Hand holding required. Oh lost it just now. I was really scared

[Funnyfishface]

Football season started today so he went off this morning at 11 for pre drinks - came home at 10 drunk

I had been out this afternoon to meet a girl friend for coffee.
I hadn't told him
He said have u been out and I said yes to meet friend.
He went absolutely mad
He through his plate and food across the room.
Told me he fucking hates me
I'm a fucking liar

Omg I am shaking. He went to the toilet so I put shoes on and got in the car.

I have nowhere to go
I phoned him and said I'm terrified and he's drunk. He said I was being silly and he was in bed anyway.

I am crying
And shaking
I actually thought he was going to throw his mug of tea at me

I'm very emotional. Have been all day.

I have told eldest son. He is coming over.
I have told my husband that we should separate. He said he doesn't want to.

We have counselling tomorrow night.
I am exhausted.

Thank you all - please keep posting

Please stop communicating with this sorry excuse of a man.

He said he hated you and a lot more. You also seem to feel that because you didn't lie to him he's in the wrong but no, he's in the wrong on every single level. He does not have any say in how you spend your free time, what you wear, who you see.

Start safety planning and please do inform the Police on 101 that you are doing this and report last nights incident so they will respond quickly if he starts up. So gather important documents, ensure he can't clear out joint accounts, hide away important photos and things he might destroy to hurt you.

Please let your adult sons help you. They don't need protection from knowing what their dad is like and I'm sure would rather keep their mother safe.

Do not under any circumstances go to any more counselling with him. No doubt he would use it as an opportunity to justify and minimise his outrage it's behaviour. Just get on with planning your separation. Friends and family will help you and no doubt you will be entitled to a good chunk of the marital assets.

Nothing but nothing will get any better for you until you are away from this person. In the meantime do not communicate and if possible get him out. He's the one who should go, not you. ( though do if there really is no alternative).

Good luck.xx

Honey, please be very careful. If you feel unsafe at all, ring the police. Keep your mobile with you at all times. Please do not be fooled by any of his acts of contrition. It sounds like things will just continue to escalate. Remember there are organisatiins ready to support you like Woman's Aid.

I imagine you are feeling utterly exhausted. Your heart and soul must feel very bruised right now. I am sending you huge hugs. You deserve a life without fear and anxiety.

I wouldn't go to joint counselling at this stage, but if you do go use it to work out separation.
He doesn't get to say no to it, but it could be done nicely or less nicely (police and injunction).

He's not going to change, nor wants to - after a year if counselling he's like this then there's no hope. Stay safe.

What he wants is irrelevant given how he behaves towards you. Put you first- that is all.

Has he said why he went off on one at you? Have you asked him why you aren't allowed to leave the house without his permission?

What does he say?

He is angry because I didn't tell him in advance that I had plans to meet my friend.

Sons are really angry. Eldest son is cross with me that I didn't go to him for protection last night. Which breaks my heart.
He said - mum this is DV
It's not on
Bless him

He's STILL angry with you now? WTF, why is it so important he's not your keeper. Any half decent human being would be apologetic by now.

Your son is right. You have raised a sensible young man and should be proud of him - and take up his offer of somewhere to stay where you can be safe.

You are not accountable to your husband, you don't have to tell him where you go and who you see. And particularly not when he had spent the entire day out drinking.

What is your escape plan?

No he isn't angry now. The opposite. He is trying to be nice.

He is planning what we are doing next weekend.

I'm going to the counselling tomorrow in the hope that she will help me get across to him that we need to separate.
I am at the solicitors on my next day off.
I have told my sons. Everything.

They are both supporting me. They are worried that my anxiety will return so they are protective.

I am just tired x

Of course you are tired my love. You have been living a very very draining life and last night was terrifying for you :(

Frankly, I think you should tell him he has 2 choices, he goes peacefully now (while both boys are there to protect you) or you call the police and tell them all about last night & get them to remove him. His choice.

Either way, you should really call the police tomorrow and tell them. In some areas they will put you on list where if you phone them they will send someone quickly.

You might think 'he wont do it again' but you didn't think he'd do it last night, you have no idea how nasty he might get.

He doesn't have to agree to separate. Seeing the counsellor with him tomorrow will just reinforce his belief that you don't actually mean it.

Are the boys both staying tonight? (well I know one lives there, bu

sorry... but will he be home?

Go carefully Op

Thank you.

Yes son is home. Sitting here with me.
My eldest son is a policeman

Don't go to the counselling. You can't expect them to negotiate this for you. Joint counselling doesn't work when one side of the marriage is abusive.
It sounds as though you are still holding out a faint hope he can be negotiated into civilised behaviour. Sorry, but you need to let go of that. You can't trust him and he is abusive.
Cancel the counselling, don't trust him a single inch, call Women's Aid, check out the Freedom Programme and definitely have that solicitors appointment.
And make sure your Internet use is secure.
Also you need to either get him out or leave and go elsewhere. Please don't stay there with him. He won't behave himself.

I have heard that counselling is not advised in cases of dv. Standsongoldensands gives good advice above. You can't change him, don't waste any more time on this man.

No I'm not holding out any hope. I am done.
I have told him I want to separate with no contact.
He doesn't want it.
The last counselling session - he refused to go with me.
So I discussed how I could move forward.
I am going to go tomorrow with him. Not to talk about us but to help me.

It's the right thing for me

Well, if you are going to go, do you have someone (ideally your eldest son) who would go with you (not to go in, but to be there when you come out). I really don't think you should be alone with your H.

Wow funny you sound so resolute, well done. Your sons sounds absolutely amazing, honestly, they are fantastic.

Are your sons there with you? I agree with other posters that as he loses control of you he may try to get it back in other ways. Take care.

Well done so so much. You have come miles and miles since your first post.

Simontowers2

I don't hate my h. And I am certainly no doormat.
You have absolutely no idea.
Your post is not at all helpful

Im glad your sons are there for you. How ironic one is a copper as he will have seen this before. Hopefully he will go into police mode with his dad and be calm but firm.

Ok, sorry crossed wires with my last post. As long as you know what he's trying to do.

Am glad your son is with you. You seem to know how you want to progress (good). Take care, I'm not much help but there's loads of lovely posters who've been through similar on Relationships all hours x

Thank you for your hand holding. I can't tell you how much it means.

My boys have been fabulous. But there is still that element of wanting to protect them. It's great to come on here and have support.

Thank you