Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Hand holding required. Oh lost it just now. I was really scared

147 replies

Funnyfishface · 16/08/2014 22:57

Football season started today so he went off this morning at 11 for pre drinks - came home at 10 drunk

I had been out this afternoon to meet a girl friend for coffee.
I hadn't told him
He said have u been out and I said yes to meet friend.
He went absolutely mad
He through his plate and food across the room.
Told me he fucking hates me
I'm a fucking liar

Omg I am shaking. He went to the toilet so I put shoes on and got in the car.

I have nowhere to go
I phoned him and said I'm terrified and he's drunk. He said I was being silly and he was in bed anyway.

I am crying
And shaking
I actually thought he was going to throw his mug of tea at me

OP posts:
MrsJoeDolan · 16/08/2014 23:54

you are very brave. Please don't feel that because you hung on for 23 years you are obliged to stay for 23 more. It's like gambling - I'll have one big win and it will fix every loss which went before.

Going to bed now, so signing off, but hand-holding from afar.

Original poster
Funnyfishface · 17/08/2014 00:03

Thank you. I am going to try and sleep x

I really appreciate hand holding ty

OP posts:
Lweji · 17/08/2014 00:14

I hope you don't read this tonight, but does he know about the solicitor's appointment?

bunchoffives · 17/08/2014 00:28

Clear the history on your browser too Funny.

BringMeSunshine2014 · 17/08/2014 00:33

I hope you are sleeping now.

You have 'invested' 23 years - I get that. It feels like that was 'wasted' or 'pointless' if you leave... but you know what, no matter what, you can't get those years back. All you can do is look forwards, you surely don't want to waste more years with him like this? It has taken him a while to get this violent, but it's generally quite a quick progression from this level of violence to actually hitting you. Please don't think 'he wont' - because he will :(

If you leave soon you will also stop your boys having to step in and 'sort their Dad out' which would be a good thing to avoid for all of you.

People stay because 'it's not bad all the time', but of course it isn't, no one would stay with an abuser if they were vile 24/7 would they.

I know it's hard to leave, of course it is, but in time you will wonder why it took you so long.
x

Original poster
Funnyfishface · 17/08/2014 00:49

Hi

I can't sleep.
He got up to use the bathroom so I was listening.
I have own room and ensuite.

No he doesn't know about the solicitors appointment.

He is angry because although he has been out all day with his mates he didn't know I had made plans to see friend for coffee.
I don't see why he is angry. What difference would it have made to him. He was out.
He sees it that I have deceived him. Which is ridiculous.
We have counselling on Monday evening. She has told him that he is abusive.

Son has text to say he was going to be staying at his friends tonight. But I have asked him to come home. I can't face the morning on my own

OP posts:
Adarajames · 17/08/2014 01:03

If you are too scared to be there alone when he wakes up, you really shouldn't be there at all! And the therapist isn't doing her job properly if she is seeing you together but knows he is abusive, so save your pennies for the solicitor and stop seeing her. You really would be better elsewhere if you're feeling that unsafe, are you somewhere so rural you can't go anywhere else? Keep breathing and keep typing if you need to, is almost always someone else up at whatever hour to keep you company virtual hugs if they help

Lweji · 17/08/2014 01:12

We have counselling on Monday evening. She has told him that he is abusive.
He knows he is on his last legs and is trying to re-establish control.
It is very likely that violence will increase. Be prepared for emotional blackmail, over the top niceness and more violence and threats.
Your best bet is to either leave or make sure he is kicked out.
Please do seek support, particularly if your solicitor appointment doesn't seem promising. Get second, third and fourth opinions.

Your sons are grown up, but have lived all their lives with this. They can't "rescue" you. You have to act to free yourself from him.

LuluJakey1 · 17/08/2014 01:44

I can't see that you can continue to live with him. Either he moves out or you do.

Do you work?
Are you married?
Could you afford the house by yourself?

Honestly, nothing is worth living like this with no peace of mind. You need to look after you and protect yourself.

Original poster
Funnyfishface · 17/08/2014 01:52

Yes we are married
Yes I work
No I couldn't afford the house by myself

I know that one of us needs to leave which is why I made the solicitors appointment. I need financial advice. I need to know what I am entitled to. Then I can plan the next move.
But this tonight has thrown me.
I was scared. Really scared.
I'm not scared to face him tomorrow but I don't know what to expect. More abuse? Apologies? Mr nice guy? Sulking
I was trying to prepare myself little at a time
Solicitors so I had a clear picture to go forward with.

Ahhhhhhhhhh

OP posts:
Lweji · 17/08/2014 01:55

If it helps, I left home (with nothing but DS and my hand bag at the time) because I decided I couldn't live in fear in my own home, nor fear for my DS.
I had rung the police a couple of days earlier even though I had not been beaten up, "just" slapped.

There is no justification for not being able to sleep peacefully in your own bed.
There is no justification for not being able to decide to meet who you want when you want to.
And your children don't have to see their mum being subjected to this.

BringMeSunshine2014 · 17/08/2014 06:47

I hope you got a little bit of sleep.

Did your son make it home? I hope so. Your husband has escalated the abuse, you need to stay safe, see the solicitor and get moving with your 'plan', you don't have the luxury of preparing yourself a little at a time now.

Try to remember exactly how scared you were last night, do not minimise it, do not forget it. Use it to detach from him, use it to be determined to come out with your fair share from the marital assets, use it to stay in the house if you want to... use it to your advantage.

43percentburnt · 17/08/2014 07:11

How are you this morning?

I totally understand you have invested 23 years. But imagine this happening when you are 75 years of age. Tell yourself you have given your best shot and it's come to an end.

Phase 2 is about to start, and phase two is about having a happy life where a coffee with friends is a normal occurrence. After your coffee you could invite friends over for some food at your house. You would feel safe.

Please please consider calling the police and obtaining an injunction. I know you may feel it is OTT but it will make your situation easier. If he is removed you can separate easily. He is unlikely to leave easily and I fear you will miss your opportunity to have had him removed. The other posters are right you are in danger when you split up.

43percentburnt · 17/08/2014 07:12

Oh and fight for your share of the assets! Don't walk away cos it's easier, too many women do that.

Ledkr · 17/08/2014 08:35

Op I'd also allow your boys to help if necessary too.
I have three boys who wouldn't hesitate to protect me like yours would, I know you don't want to involve them but they are your chikdren, allow them to.
There is safety and strength in numbers and transparency.
Make yourself a nice new life, with peace and fun and freedom.

FunkyBoldRibena · 17/08/2014 08:46

Leave - rent somewhere - get the house sold and use the money to put a deposit down on your own house.

Deciding to go out for a coffee with a friend is something a grown woman should be able to do without being abused for it. He doesn't own you - you do. At least give yourself some shot at a happier future.

Adarajames · 17/08/2014 08:59

Morning funny
How are you doing today, hope you managed to sleep some. Please do let us know, and as previous posters have said, get that plan ready now and get yourself somewhere safe
Thinking of you

WienerDiva · 17/08/2014 09:10

I've just read this thread and I'm really hoping you're ok this morning OP and that you got some sleep.

There's no way he'll change I'm afraid and by going to the solicitors on Monday, and please still do ring WA you are finally making steps towards a happier future.

Loriens · 17/08/2014 09:37

Hi there, nothing to add really just hoping that you are ok this morning. Keep your appointment and find out all you can. Take care

Original poster
Funnyfishface · 17/08/2014 09:42

Thank you so much.
I am ok
I slept for the odd hour. I'm shattered.
He has brought me a cup of tea to my room but I was under my duvet.
I am about to go downstairs.
I can feel the anxiety starting up so I know I have to leave.
He will act as if nothing has happened. But I am done.
Eldest son coming over today.

Thank you for helping get through the night - I can't tell you how grateful I am x

OP posts:
BringMeSunshine2014 · 17/08/2014 09:46

Allow him to act as if nothing has happened. Speak to your solicitor, get all your ducks in a row, talk to your boys - tell them how bad it is and what you are going to do. Talk to them about what you want/need them to do and about their relationship with their father, be honest and clear about how you feel and what you need/want.

Focus on a future where you can live a happy life, being you, not being scared. Hang in there.
x

SnakeyMcBadass · 17/08/2014 09:53

Hang in there, OP. Keep your appointment with the solicitor and make plans. Don't fall for any charm offensive. The arsehole is just under the surface x

Joysmum · 17/08/2014 09:54

Hate to say it but he's showing you who he is and doesn't believe he's doing anything wrong so who can he change?

I can only ask you to imagine what it would be like to live in your own place without fear. However much you've invested over the years, it's worth walking away from to get eid if that anxiety.

lunar1 · 17/08/2014 10:04

I hope you are ok. Make sure you go to the solicitors appointment. You may have been with him for 23 years but that doesn't mean you need to sacrifice you life to an abusive man.

AcrossthePond55 · 17/08/2014 15:44

It doesn't matter how long a marriage has lasted if it isn't a happy one. It doesn't matter how much time you've invested in him, if he isn't treating you right. His behaviour is abusive and controlling.

If you've been in counseling for a year and nothing has improved, then it's not going to. DH and I went through a rough patch when we'd been married about 13 years. He had issues with his temper. Although he never threw things or became violent, I told him I was done unless he agreed to go. But his changes started happening within a month, with him acknowledging that his behaviour had been inappropriate and that he needed to learn to manage his anger in a better way. He learned ways to direct his temper and how to defuse himself within a few months.

Do keep that solicitor's appointment. And make a solid plan to either leave or make him leave. You will be happier in the long run.

Swipe left for the next trending thread