Help me deal with this woman!

[Sabellassweatyforehead]

It's pointless going into the past details, but this is just concerning a woman in my family who I am having a really hard time with. There are certain things she does that I need your help with how to react to her when she does them. They are things like:

• ignores me when she enters the room but acknowledges everyone else in the room excitedly
• despite being married herself (but very insecure in her marriage) frequently takes my DH off to do activities together like climbing and rowing while we are on holiday. I am pregnant so cannot do these things at the moment and hubby likes them and likes that he can do them with someone while I get a rest. But she is extremely giggly and flirtatious with him, takes lots of pictures of them together and posts them on FB. She also gets DH to help her do activities and care for her kids (her husband avoids her and is rarely around or available) so much so that I feel sometimes like I am watching a family together - husband, wife and children - even though he is my husband.
• my DH got dressed up in a wetsuit to go surfing and looked really funny, so I said I wanted to take a picture. As I was lining him up against the background, i heard a voice from behind me "oh (her private nickname for him) you look so funny, let me take a picture!" with that she pushed (literally) past me, whipped out her camera phone and stood in front of me and took the picture! As if he was her husband!
• She changes every single conversation to be about her
• when I am with my friends she is incredibly nice to them and overly intimate. She met my best friend for the first time two weeks ago and said she liked her nail polish and could she (my BF) please paint her toenails for her in the bathroom. My friend, surprised, but wanting to be polite, agreed. She then took my BF into the bathroom and locked the door and left me standing outside where she talked and laughed very loudly with her. Afterwards my BF said it was very strange!
• if she cannot get a foot hold in a group conversation or if attention is being directed towards me, she creates a diversion with her kids. Say I am talking about something to the group, in the middle of me talking she will interrupt and say loudly to my DH "please can you take DS3 to the bathroom because he said a minute ago he wants to go." My DH gets up, people shunt around in their chairs, and she uses the distraction to forget what I was saying and talk about herself again.
• she is so dominant. Her voice is very loud and shrill and when she is around I can hear her everywhere. As I am resting a lot with this pregnancy, I can often hear her outside my bedroom announcing to people that she can't believe how long I have been sleeping for and she hopes that nothing is wrong with me, in this sing-songy voice. My traction is usually moody, or to stay in bed longer rather than have to leave the room and face the "attitude" towards my resting that she has set up with the rest of the family

What IS this? And how can I combat it? It is so subtle and subversive and she is so incredibly charming to everyone else that nobody really sees what's going on. I can't exactly say "stop trying to take the photo I was going to take." Or "please don't ask my DH for help with your DCs." Or "why do you say hello to everyone and not to me when you come into the room?" That just feels pathetic and like I care too much. But how do I get a foothold?

It's possible that he likes the attention but I think it's much more likely that he feels he should be involved and it hasn't occurred to him that SIL has a crush and is basically making a play for him.

He probably feels responsible because they're his relations.

I know I find it difficult to say no to anything involving my nephews and niece because they're my sister's kids.

It may be that she sometimes makes him feel uncomfortable, in which case when the OP has a word with him he will know exactly what she means.

OP I would warn him that she has a crush, that he may not have noticed and that it could get him in hot water if he doesn't give out clear signals. I would also mention that her behaviour has developed a slant of behaving badly to you, which you find upsetting and humiliating as indeed you are supposed to, so you would appreciate if if he stepped in as set some boundaries with her.

I don't think this is affair potential or that your other half is flattered. I think he sounds like he's being dutiful and bossed about by an annoying overbearing woman.

I wouldn't talk to my husband about this, it would be misinterpreted as my insecurity and I would look weak. I would kill with kindness and play alpha female - start getting things on my turf. How nice that your husband feels a duty to his nieces/nephews and enjoys spending time with them. They will be your child's cousin and there will be plenty of family time with them in the future. I would arrange "uncle" time that includes you and him and her kids. You will be including them in your unit when your baby is older so kick it off now. She is welcome to reciprocate by having your baby with her kids in the future so you and husband can have time to yourselves.

As other posters have said, I would not publically or privately challenge. If she thinks you don't like her you have another 30-40 years of family dynamics to contend with. I would want to "win" by asserting control and let her know that you are the one who is the most important woman in DH's life.

Your friends will be able to support you re. her odd toe nail painting behaviour by neutralising things. I would focus on creating my own culture and atmosphere at these settings my getting a table nearby and contributing to conversations with friends/ husband but not feeding into her "show." I suspect the more you ignore her by containing her, the more she will sense that she's not going to "own" the situation and either bad mouth you - in which case she will be ostracised or conform (to a degree) and get attention from elsewhere.

Good Luck!

Simple way to handle this. I would send your DH off to spend some time with his brother or speak to your DH about him calling his brother to come join everyone. If your DH heads off to spend time with his brother your DH won't not being anywhere near this nightmare.

If you are on holiday it doesn't sound relaxing and I would be pushing that you and your DH have some date days before the birth of your first child. If the SIL pipes up I would say something along the lines of 'Oh, do you want to do a date day with your DH too? We can look after your kids if you want.' That way you get two days without her being around! Better yet do a double date and let her act like a fool infront of her DH. I am sure he would have a strong word with his wife and tell her to knock it off.

I had a friend whose husband was treated like this by a female "friend". He left his wife for this woman.

Husband likes sil because she appears assertive , confident , and knows what she wants , and how to get it. She also knows how to flirt and husband is rewarded for skivvying with praise and flirt. I'd imagine there is also some element of pissing on his brother too.

Both brothers sound like they've got no boundaries.

What does her DH do/say when he's around? Is he with you? I presume you're on holiday en masse rather than living all together?

I dont think you can pussyfoot around tbh. These woman are dangerous to relationships, specially if she is engineering alone time with your DH by going to do activities with him.
now is not the time to play nice. Speak to your DH, speak to her if you feel you can. Tell her you know exactly what she is doing or trying to do and to keep away from your husband. Your DH may not have noticed or he may be enjoying the flattery, but its a slippery slope. If you stand back and allow this woman an opening, she will take it. Its how affairs start
This type of woman wont care about damaging your relationship, all they care about is themselves and their needs.

I'm with meddie. Their relationship is having a detrimental effect on your marriage. It's appropriate to state your boundaries before things progress. Your husband is stepping into the role of being HER husband , meeting her need for recreational companionship , childcare , and verbal validation. Realize now that she also meets the same needs in him. What's missing ? Just sex and financial support.

Do not sit quietly by while your spouse meets someone else's needs in this way , or vice versa. No more time on their own for any reason. If she's flirting openly in front of you and other people , consider how she will escalate things once she's on her own.

Stern words now I think , or shell have potential to be walking off with your husband and half your pension , and you don't want her being step mum to your kids. She doesn't have a husband of her own despite the vague marriage to bil.

Its very sad really. She doesn't have a husband (not really) and she envies you your husband and your lovely life. Very sad.
BUT I would be very wary of her doing her best to try and "steal "your husband in any way she can including sexually. She is already doing all the thrilling sports and stuff which seems to have bonded them together (which is not good at all) and is relying on his "uncle" duties to make him feel responsible for her and her kids.

If you were to write on here in the future that they have had an affair then I wouldn't be at all surprised. (not saying there is anything going on at all now though) just that it isn't good at all. He feels he is just being nice and helpful but how far will that go.

This needs nipping out and sooner rather than later. She actually sounds like a "bunny boiler" in this scenario. I would definitely have a talk with your husband. Write down every thing you want to say to him and how it all makes you feel. He cant see the wood for the trees, but you can.

Sorry people, I only read the first page and thought that was it. Didn't realise there were 4 pages and that what I have said has already been said.
Good though!! Im glad im not the only one to see this as a potential affair material.

People can't be "stolen" that's ludicrous. Someone will only stray if it's in their nature, not if they are "ripe for flattery".
It's an embarrassing use of the male stereotype that really isn't helpful to the OP. Do some of you really go around playing "alpha female" in case one of "those women" (another lovely stereotype) are lurking around the corner?

Sitting on his knee and making passive aggressive comments will only make you look like an idiot OP and you will lose the respect of the people around you.
You don't need to piss up his leg, tell him he can't take his nephew to the toilet or barge your bump into pictures.

He is your partner and your SIL knows that. The only way that will change is if your DH wants it too.

I understand completely that you are feeling insecure right now but don't let the hysteria on this thread make you think you need to write your name on your DH forehead.
I assume you respect and trust this man so that's all there is to it. Ignore your SIL and enjoy the fact that your DH is taking responsibility where he feels his DB is failing. That's honourable.

Unless of course, you think your DH has different motives, then of course that is different. If he does however, it's because of his character not because he's a susceptible male who can't see past flattery.

I'd feel sorry for your SIL and maybe try to befriend her. If that doesn't work then I'd just avoid her as much as possible and just be honest with DH in a non accusatory way.

She is making a play for him. The flattery and ego boosting are a red flag. I'd suggest writing down your worries and showing DH.

I agree that people can't be stolen , but they can be flattered , played , and manipulated. And tempted. Both sexes , not just men. No one's immune to it. I don't think anyone struts around playing alpha female , but I wouldn't meekly sit there while some loud mouth tried pissing on me.

I'm also not convinced about the fantastic uncle thing either. Is anyone else's husband that invested in their nieces and nephews that they toilet them and have these day trips ???

My husband or I would take my nieces and nephews to the loo sure. We do day trips and holidays and stuff. Although, I would not agree to a holiday with anyone as obnoxious as the OPs SIL.

yes i think family holidays need knocking on the head right away. this is the last time you will have together before the baby.

I have a two friends I can immediately think of, whose brothers play a big role in their kids lives, taking them for days out (and to the loo if needed).
I don't necessarily think it's all that usual though. My brother is the polar opposite in that respect.

She sounds quite overbearing though.

Oh but Carryon, there is nothing more attractive to a man than a woman who is clearly interested in him.

Well Carryon I put steal in commas as she does seem to be doing her very best to win him over with her poor little me act. Not everyone who strays or has affairs has it in their nature. People have affairs for many reasons.

A few things:

No more shared holidays, weekend together etc for a time.

No more 1-2-1 outings with your dh and sil. No way. Tell your husband that you are fed up with it and ask him to keep you company. Explain to him that you find sil overbearing and that you need to spend time with dh and need some space away from her. Remind him that once baby is born, there won't be much couple time left. I wouldn't explain in too much detail all the intricacies of what she is doing at this pit.

Definitely be assertive, not passive aggressive to sil. Now you know what she is like (insecure, manipulative, not to be trusted), you don't need to be nice to her. Polite yes, nice no.

With the photo you might have said:
"sil, don't butt into my picture. When I'm done, you are free to snap away. Wait till then."

Conversation interrupted at the dinner table: actually sil, we are having a nice chat here right now, dh won't want to miss this. Best if you take dc to the toilet this time so that we can carry on.

With your bf, nail varnish etc: sil, bf and I have some catching up to do, why don't you go and paint your nails yourself whilst we take a walk, have a drink, watch tv, whatever whatever...

She sounds insecure, manipulative and a pita. Draw your line firmly in the sand and do net let her cross it.

On a different note, I wonder what sil's husband is up to if he is not really around/available...

Also seeing that her dc will be your dc cousins... Try and use this time together to get to know them a bit, befriend them... Does sil have any time for them if she is busy on days out with your dh?

Where is OP?

Big gaps in her dh's behaviour. Has she even tackled him on it?

Milly, I agree that people have affairs for many reasons and maybe I didn't word it as well as I could have. I just don't think it's sensible to live life thinking that everyone will cheat if flattered enough. It switches the responsibility off the teach and in this case suggests that he's just "a poor man who can't control himself".

I'm just worried that some people on the thread are creating wild speculations based on very little information and the OP is in a vulnerable position whilst pregnant. It's just not helpful.

Some people are decent.

Very true Carry but it happens. You only have to look at the threads on here to see that, unfortunately. The thing is though, the OP is worried and if she is feeling like that then maybe she has reason to. She has an inkling that something is not right and she wants to tackle it but doesn't know how.

I am in a different timezone/country with sporadic access to wireless.

I may not have made this clear in my first post, but I don't think SIL is trying to 'get' with DH. I think she is more using him as a pawn to get at BIL.

She is obsessed with BIL and he is incredibly unavailable to her. She grabs on to the things she feels will keep him attached to her. HIS family being the main one. Her ongoing presence and domination in his parents' house being another. I know that PIL and DH probably feel sorry for her.

And also somebody said above that it sounds like she has been around for a long time. , she has. she and BIL have been married twenty years, and she has known my DH since he was 18. He has grown up with her and was one of the first to turn up at her hospital bed after each of her children was born.

She is about ten years older than DH and 20 years older than me.

So I DO understand the psychology behind this - I just wanted help tackling the excluding behaviour and Wendy-ness that she constantly shows me. Because I need to be here too this holiday ( in DH's parents home) is two months. I need to fid a way to live in the same house as her, which works.

I spoke to DH and he reminded me that he has "grown up" in the role where BIL is constantly unavailable, so he feels duty bound to help her when she needs it as no one else will, and he has become very attached to the kids. He said that he will work with me to stop her monopolising everything, however.

I quite like the tactic of pursuing a line of questioning about BIL and where exactly he is when she is becoming very dominating. This is enough to irritate her and stop her from following her own line of conversation. The thing is though, if she was just straight with me about what's going on and her own feelings and 'own' that she needs/wants DH around a lot, I would be so much happier.

But instead what's happening is I feel like the bad guy who is always miserable because she is pretending that things are amazing and living in this fantasy world where she thinks that as long as she has PIL, DH and the kids, then She is somehow connected to BIL through that.

Ah I understand the grasping onto family.

Your husband needs to find a sense of responsibility to you. Living with his family sounds like a nightmare, let alone when pregnant.