Help me deal with this woman!

[Sabellassweatyforehead]

It's pointless going into the past details, but this is just concerning a woman in my family who I am having a really hard time with. There are certain things she does that I need your help with how to react to her when she does them. They are things like:

• ignores me when she enters the room but acknowledges everyone else in the room excitedly
• despite being married herself (but very insecure in her marriage) frequently takes my DH off to do activities together like climbing and rowing while we are on holiday. I am pregnant so cannot do these things at the moment and hubby likes them and likes that he can do them with someone while I get a rest. But she is extremely giggly and flirtatious with him, takes lots of pictures of them together and posts them on FB. She also gets DH to help her do activities and care for her kids (her husband avoids her and is rarely around or available) so much so that I feel sometimes like I am watching a family together - husband, wife and children - even though he is my husband.
• my DH got dressed up in a wetsuit to go surfing and looked really funny, so I said I wanted to take a picture. As I was lining him up against the background, i heard a voice from behind me "oh (her private nickname for him) you look so funny, let me take a picture!" with that she pushed (literally) past me, whipped out her camera phone and stood in front of me and took the picture! As if he was her husband!
• She changes every single conversation to be about her
• when I am with my friends she is incredibly nice to them and overly intimate. She met my best friend for the first time two weeks ago and said she liked her nail polish and could she (my BF) please paint her toenails for her in the bathroom. My friend, surprised, but wanting to be polite, agreed. She then took my BF into the bathroom and locked the door and left me standing outside where she talked and laughed very loudly with her. Afterwards my BF said it was very strange!
• if she cannot get a foot hold in a group conversation or if attention is being directed towards me, she creates a diversion with her kids. Say I am talking about something to the group, in the middle of me talking she will interrupt and say loudly to my DH "please can you take DS3 to the bathroom because he said a minute ago he wants to go." My DH gets up, people shunt around in their chairs, and she uses the distraction to forget what I was saying and talk about herself again.
• she is so dominant. Her voice is very loud and shrill and when she is around I can hear her everywhere. As I am resting a lot with this pregnancy, I can often hear her outside my bedroom announcing to people that she can't believe how long I have been sleeping for and she hopes that nothing is wrong with me, in this sing-songy voice. My traction is usually moody, or to stay in bed longer rather than have to leave the room and face the "attitude" towards my resting that she has set up with the rest of the family

What IS this? And how can I combat it? It is so subtle and subversive and she is so incredibly charming to everyone else that nobody really sees what's going on. I can't exactly say "stop trying to take the photo I was going to take." Or "please don't ask my DH for help with your DCs." Or "why do you say hello to everyone and not to me when you come into the room?" That just feels pathetic and like I care too much. But how do I get a foothold?

With the photo I would have walked to my dh kissed him and smiled for the photo with hand on bump.

I would be holding hand and kissing dh and cuddleing in front of her alot.

With the taking her kid to the toilet I would have said "he cant he promised me a back rub now. Maybe he will give you one when you get back" then sit on his lap and dont more when she gets back and have dh play along with lets get you to bed and leave holding hands.

Make sure you and dh are on the same page and be kind to her.

I would be asking where her dh is all the time!

Don't let her push you to the side in the future.

I agree with AnAir's advice.
When she stands in front of you, (eg taking the photo or anything)calmly, but firmly go back to where you were standing.
Don't let her keep pushing you out of the way, physically or any other.

I have read the update and you need to tell dh about this. His responability is to you and the baby. He will not have time once your own family starts.

She is massively insecure and probably jealous. You need to explain your feelings to H as he will play a massive part in ending her silly behaviour.
He needs to stress the 'My wife' phrase every times she suggests something, as in 'I'd rather spend time with my wife'. Subtly but firmly put her in her place.

I suspect all is not well in her marriage, you say her H isn't around much........why not?

I'm torn between advising you to "kill with kindness" and beat her at her own game or telling you to put your foot down and point out the lack of loyalty and respect your husband is showing.

marking my place! I have a similar issue.

I would suggest having word with husband about loyalty and how his first loyalty should be to you.
Trouble is, I have come across TWO females who have acted like this throughout my marriage where do these cows come from and in my experience, men tend to be flattered at being 'needed' by another woman.
It's pathetic but true.
And she is playing on it.

i think you need to tell your dh.

But she is extremely giggly and flirtatious with him,

and you definitely shouldn't be putting up with this. It needs nipping in the bud.

Your Dh has responsibility to you , not her. I would lose all respect for him watching him be sil skivvy. He will be lapping up the attention from her. I think your h is the problem here. Most men wouldn't sit by and have their wives treated like this. Are you sure there's not more to this ? It sounds like they're a couple

Completely disagree with onair's advice, that is the strategy of an insecure woman and makes you look foolish.

Just try and see a bit less of them.

I think your DH is nice to help with the care of his nephews. Your SIL is out of order, but some things I would just let go.

My strategy would be to be not possessive of your H, but do get his support/back up when you actually need it.

Sitting on his lap and making snide little remarks will just make you look pathetic IMO.

Ignore and avoid. Maybe mention it to DP in a non emotional way, men can be a bit blind to this sort of behaviour.

I've been Wendied like this before. She kept "needing" dh to do things for her, kept offering then to "repay the favour" by taking him out, started bad mouthing me to mutual friends. She then became more brazen and started ignoring me, giving me dirty looks.
That was the straw that broke the camel's back. I rang her, told her exactly what I thought of her and never heard from or saw her again!

I don't want to get all MN on you OP, but I hope she doesn't engineer it so they are ever on their own together.
It sounds as if she has a bit of a thing for him giggly and flirtatious and I wouldn't put it past her to try and make a move on him if the situation was right.

Just be wary and keep your eyes open.

I agree with AnAir . You need to emphasis you and Dh s relationship .Well, overemphasise really since she is coming across as quite dense in this matter.

He can help her Dc with toiletting because he is practising for when 'We have OUR OWN Dc' and playing with them as he needs to keep up his skills 'for his OWN children'. He has to go with her to activities because HIS OWN wife is temporarily out of action.

He has to acknowledge you and your baby in every interaction she has with him. If she puts things on face book -you mention it instead.

It doesnt have to be nasty -just a little word or two -each and every time.

And ,of course ,if she is present you and he should be stuck together like glue. So affectionate. ( it will make others lightly nauseous though - be warned ) And a real family together with your bump.

As the older members of our familoy used to say " Shes more to be pitied than scorned" but you still need to make her aware of the real situation.

Could she have a crush on him?

I would point out to dh she has a crush on him and he needs to discorage her.

I had a very similar issue. She was a prize cunt who was after my husband but for AGES only I could see it. Drove me up the fucking wall.

However tempting it is to retaliate, don't. You'll just look bad.
With mine, I just bided my time and waited for her to really put her foot in it. Sure enough, she made a real play for him whilst on a night out while I was at home pregnant. There were witnesses who rang and told me (as well as shocked DH, on whom it finally dawned that I WASN'T just paranoid).

I rang her the next day, told her I knew what had happened, and told her to never contact either of us again. She immediately rang DH who echoed what I'd said.

It was a bit unpleasant for a bit but since cutting her out completely it's like a huge weight lifted off my shoulders.

So that's my only advice I'm afraid - cut her loose.

It is SO hard though when only you can see it and DH just thinks that he is being kind and helpful!

Your first prong here is with your H.

Tell him how domineering and over powering she is being, how it isn't normal/natural/acceptable for her H's brother to be doing what isn't his job.

Tell him that there are things women do that are designed to undermine other women, and men don't necessarily pick up on. She is conniving. Men aren't often conniving so don't see it. Her dc are NOT his concern/worry/responsibility, not when it comes at your expense.

From now on, SHE looks after HER dc, and HE stops allowing her the space to get in your lives and undermine you.

Then... call that one out on her pushing and shoving, be a complete bitch if need be:

'Erm excuse me SIL, that's my H I was about to take a photo of, don't shove me aside to play 'let's pretend I have a husband' with someone you're NOT married to. Go find your own'

'I don't appreciate your opinion on if and when I rest. It's my pg, my complications and I don't want to know what your opinion is, much less outside my door disturbing me' 'go find a motorway to play on'

'oh hello SIL, i'm Sabella, have you forgotten my name? Only you greeted everyone else.. I was sure you'd not be intentionally that rude, so thought perhaps you'd got some memory issues...'

You say 'fly home'.. is this creature from a different culture to yours?

What's the set up here OP? Are you all living together? If so why?

Oh and yes, she is trying to Wendy you with your own husband. But he is playing a part here too - he is lapping up the attention. He needs to be the one to cool off with her and shut this down.

It's a bit difficult to cut somebody lose when they belong to the family.

She's got a huge crush on him - probably because her own h isn't up to much.
That's not your problem however, and if I were you I'd be fit to kill.

I do agree with everyone else - you need to talk to your dh about this and tell him how much it is bothering you.
Read out your OP - just tell him what you've told us.

She gets your H to take HER dc to the toilet!

No.

Stand up for this and say, you have your DC, and toileting them really IS your responsibility. My H's responsibility is here.

Go do your job, and leave us to do ours..

It's as much a husband problem as a SIL problem. he is being naive and a bit insensitive to you.

By all means talk to him about what she is doing, but don't let him continue the status quo on the basis he doesn't see or believe it. Ask him to please be absolutely solid with you when she is around, and not to do the replacement husband thing, or at least not without running it past you. Of course he can enjoy his nephews and nieces, but if the children need a man in their lives then your DH should perhaps be mentioning that to his own brother. And father.

I agree that you may need to structure the months leading up to and after the birth of your PFB so that you are simply too busy to see her socially and your DH is far too busy to be at her beck and call. You could even ask him to have a word with his bro about her leaning too heavily on him when he needs to be focused on his own family.

But if you are rock solid with your DH and know he isn't responding to her flattery, then play the long game. An ex turned up when DH and I got engaged and played really dirty to try and get him back. I had to point out to him that she'd shown no interest when he was free and single in the same city as her for five years and that she just didn't want him happy with someone else. She tried soooo hard to get him and I played sweet little innocent (I knew something wicked about her and used to imagine the put down I could play if she pushed me too hard.) But the best revenge is to be happily married twenty years later. She's still single and bitter and horrible and we are rock solid.

i agree that you need to talk to your dh. I think you can say that you understand that she needs support but that she appears to be systematically undermining you. Ask what he thinks about the examples you have given us. If he doesn't believe you tell him to look out next time you are out. If he is more understanding talk wth him about how you can both support her with her kids and find a way to support her that is more useful together.

I would have said, hey xxxx you're in my pic! wait your turn in a playful way.

I might have said, why dont i take dc3 to the loo, i need to go anyway.

I couldn't do the whole sitting on lap thing but I am just not like that. i think you need to punch a hole in her balloon not attempt to outflirt her as it sounds like she's too showy plus she may have been in his life longer than you if she has 3 kids and you are on no 1 so they have more history as extended family.

"He must have ask you, his mum to take him. I will keep your seat. As I was saying......"