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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Dating thread 79

999 replies

louby44 · 13/08/2014 16:47

Wow! 79 already...

Welcome to all daters, new, experienced or tearing your hair out at the frustration!

OP posts:
brokenhearted55a · 17/08/2014 10:28

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gottafindaman4yagirl · 17/08/2014 10:51

Lottie, he just text again but I am going to ignore

Broken, did you feel bad afterwards. I did the same last year and felt terrible and dtd with ex made me realize we were really over and it was horrible the way I felt the next day. Never again would I do it, its easy when your familiar with ex.

brokenhearted55a · 17/08/2014 11:09

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Jarlin · 17/08/2014 11:36

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brokenhearted55a · 17/08/2014 11:48

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AndCatMakesThree · 17/08/2014 11:51

gotta, it's good that you're keeping busy today. You sound like a very kind person, but while it's one thing trying to help your friends if they're going through bad times, it's quite another to be a listening post for a guy you've met once(?) You're not there to fix his issues, and maybe you need to put your needs first.

Walt just mentioned Mumsnet in another context (about whether Mumsnet might have any advice for me about going back to work) but it gave me such a shock!

He's coming to my area/house this afternoon for the first time - date 4! Bit nervous!

Pinklaydee1302 · 17/08/2014 11:53

Broken my advice is try not to invest or wait for texts, a soon as he goes get him out of your head. Easy advice to give.

Jarlin it is very deflating if you can't understand what you did wrong. I'm still wondering why mr short didn't like me even tho he wasn't right for me Confused stupid I know.

In other news I've exchanged numbers with another guy, we've chatted and get on great. He keeps asking if we can meet at each other's house. I've said no and he currently trying to convince he not after one thing, he decent and reliable and not a player but works funny shifts and his two young children live with him and so it's difficult to meet up! I just don't want that and told him so. Just waiting to hear. I swear I give up.....

Jarlin · 17/08/2014 12:05

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Bant · 17/08/2014 12:12

Jarlin - I'm sorry I can't give any insight into what's going on in his head. He did say he enjoyed the date and didn't send the 'no spark' response but.. it's kind of rude that he implies you should be sitting round waiting for him if he gets off his arse and invites you out again.

I'd say leave it, move on. People vanishing and being weird are not your fault, remember. This is the 'being weird' bit.

Pink - yeah, any decent bloke should be empathic enough to realise that inviting a woman to your house, or going to hers for a first date is just not on. It's a hook-up play. Does he actually not want to be seen out on a date with someone in public?

If it's difficult to find time to meet up at a public place for a first date, then is it realistic there would be time for second, third or tenth dates? Would it just be meeting at each other's houses at random times to shag? Not that there's anything wrong with that, if that's what you both want, but..

Jarlin · 17/08/2014 12:15

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Justatoe · 17/08/2014 13:32

Just back from lovely lunch date. Funny, entertaining, good conversation, nice looking and said I'm luffly too Grin
We will see...have a date with a tall Irishman this week too.

UrsulaBuffay · 17/08/2014 14:41

I feel so down today, like I'm going to be alone forever. DD is at her dad's and I haven't seen anyone all wkend, I live far from my family and real friends and have filled lots of time with dating wrong uns. Latest 'rejection' feeling is hitting me hard.

Roseflowers · 17/08/2014 14:42

Hi everybody! Thought I'd wade in and share the joys of dating with you guys, and look for a bit of advice! Have been seeing a chap from POF for about a month and a half, it all seemed to be going very well! We see each others 1/2 times a week, started sleeping together 2 weeks ago.

After seeing him Friday night he dropped me home on Saturday and I didn't hear from him all day....not sure what possessed me to but I checked out him out on POF today for the first time since our first date and he's not only been online a few times today but has changed his profile picture! Yet not replied to a text I sent a few hours ago. We haven't said we are official, but still, hmmmm. If he texts me back do I come straight out and address it, or am I being ridiculous at what is still quite an early stage in this 'relationship' as it were?

I have been asked out on a date tonight by a long standing crush that I was debating whether to go on because of Mr POF...now I'm thinking fuck it!

jesy · 17/08/2014 14:55

Had a nice text off Mr IT .
Did I fancy a tea in the week, his treat just bring myself ,
I did mention mother nature due and he texted back saying that don't you eating !

I nearly ended it yesterday but glad I didn't he was busy n well I'm not lol

FolkGirl · 17/08/2014 15:16

Ok. So this week has been a bit up and down. Mostly down though, if I'm honest.

He finally told me this morning that he is still in contact with his most recent ex girlfriend - a beautiful, slim woman of the sort I am nothing like. I don't know when they split up.

She has a horrible terminal illness, which is obviously terrible. But he told me that he still sees her and thinks about her and that when he does it makes him sad. And that it's worse when he's at home. Which is where he is now.

He said that he doesn't love her anymore and he does love me. But I don't know.

He said it was important for me to understand... But I don't really know what it is I'm supposed to be understanding of.

I certainly can't compete with her though - a beautiful, dying woman. FFS.

So I asked him about her, just to try and gauge exactly what it is it's important for me to be understanding of, and when he last saw her and he hasn't replied.

Maybe there's something wrong wit me, but I don't get this staying in contact with every ex. My exH and I are amicable because of the children and we're trying to make it as easy for everyone as we can, but as far as I'm concerned, when someone's an ex, they're an ex for a reason and if you stay in touch it's due to unfinished business/unresolved feelings or whatever. And coupled with this... well I just can't match that.

louby44 · 17/08/2014 15:21

So I suspended my POF & OkCupid accounts, taken the apps off my phone!

Still texting Mr Morrisons/Marathonman daily and loving our banter.

Went to a Meetup meal last night, 31 of us, all mixed ages - great night and good fun.

This morning had a message off one of the meetup guys saying he was sorry that he didn't get to speak to me but wanted to say how lovely I looked!!!!

He was sat opposite me and I didn't even know he'd noticed me!

OP posts:
FolkGirl · 17/08/2014 15:22

rose under the circumstances, I'd think "fuck it", too.

After 6 weeks? I don't know, if you haven't had the 'exclusive' chat with him then being active on the site isn't really a massive issue, but if he's changed his photo, then he's trying to re-appeal to the women on there, he's not just contining conversations he'd already established, or whatever.

If you've liked this other guy for a while and would be prepared to give up the pof guy for him, them I'd meet him. I don't think you owe this other guy anything.

FolkGirl · 17/08/2014 15:25

Great stuff, louby Grin

louby44 · 17/08/2014 15:29

rose I too would be wanting to be exclusive after 6 weeks and the relationship becoming sexual. You need to have the talk!

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Jarlin · 17/08/2014 16:04

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UrsulaBuffay · 17/08/2014 16:10

Jarlin it's hard isn't it, the little knock backs. I'm not certain I'm really over my marriage ending because as much as I feel I am, the tiniest feeling that someone doesn't want me when I want them just makes me feel like this. I feel sick with anxiety today and I don't know why. I could handle being alone now if I knew when it might end.

FolkGirl · 17/08/2014 16:23

He just said he wants me to understand. But hasn't said exactly what he wants me to understand.

gooeycookie · 17/08/2014 16:25

Ok so just getting ready to meet Mr Toyboy...
Kind of feeling like I like him.... But don't dare say it out loud! We've had lots of text banter everyday between dates but I'm trying very hard not to get too invested...
Easier said than done!

Deep breaths.... Keep your fingers crossed guys please....

Roseflowers · 17/08/2014 16:51

Thanks for the top advice guys! I've laid it out on the table with Mr POF, he has fessed up to still chatting but says he isn't seeing anyone else...really likes me and has been thinking of where things with us are going. I've told him in no uncertain terms that I won't be an option so if he wants to carry on he's got to knock it on the head. In the mean time, I'm seeing Mr Crush tonight....does that make me a hypocrite? Obviously I won't see him again if Mr POF decides to stop playing the field.

Folk I was a person who never ever bothered staying in touch with exes, couldn't understand it, thought it was impossible as there would always be feelings involved etc....but recently I've managed to stay on great terms with two of them. I don't have feelings for them but I do very much value them as friends, confidantes, people who I turn to for support in tough times, because they know me better than anyone! And I expect them to behave the same with me. I really value them in that regard now. Could this not be the case with the ex? After all, she is dying, she probably does value the support :(

frames · 17/08/2014 17:53

I am sorry folk unless you know the ex....I wouldn't be taking it as red that she is actually terminally ill. Other posters are welcome to jump in and call me cynical.... In my limited experience men who are playing around can go to amazing lengths to feed lovely women lines. I would be asking? What is wrong with her? What is her prognosis? Which hospital does she attend? Where will she die? All these questions can be asked in a supportive, sympathetic nature without seeming to be challenging.