Dating thread 79

[louby44]

Wow! 79 already...

Welcome to all daters, new, experienced or tearing your hair out at the frustration!

Bant,

I agree with you on the chemistry you described, with my ex it was love at first sight and I am realistic that it doesn't happen often. You can only tell when you meet up, which is what makes me so nervous about first dates. Hate going home disappointed and feel worse if the other person is keen and I am not.

So easy to get carried away chatting and start to imagine positive things because I really want to find the one and have someone to share life with.

Is online dating a forced way of finding a compatible partner, no one really talks to each other out and about, have a guy who drinks coffee the same day and time as me. He keeps looking over and even sat right next to me but he didn't say a word the whole time and then smiled at me and walked away.

I don't get out more than three times a week so OD is convenient. Are men put off women with children?

gotta some relationships do grow though out of friendships and similar interests! It doesn't have to be immediate attraction!

My best friend met her partner through mutual friends and she says it was a slow burn type of thing! It was only 3/4 dates in that she started thinking it could go somewhere! She had no butterflies, but they've been together 4 years now and think the world of each other!

Gotta I'm like you in that I get so disappointed time n time again when I go on dates and that 'magic' isn't there. If I don't fancy them straightaway I generally never do but I know that's different for other people

It's true what Bant says about pheromones, a couple of dates I've had I could literally 'smell' them and it put me off. It wasn't BO or anything they were clean n tidy it was their personal smell. Also mannerisms put me off too

Jarlin did you feel odd in any way because you were out dating since Slow? I'm curious as I think you're very gutsy to just get out there.

Help, would your correspond with an ex that has suddenly contacted me after a year?

Can I please join in? I'm going on a date tomorrow eve with a guy I've been talking to on pof. I am extremely nervous as there has been a huge build-up and I'm worried he will not be interested once we actually meet. My self-esteem is fragile as I've had some rejections just recently. As a single parent of two young children it is really really hard to get out and meet people and I would like some romance after 4 years of nothing at all. So although I may not seem cut-out for od, I think it is my only possible option for meeting anyone. Oh I'm dreading tomorrow night really, if I'm honest! I shouldn't have allowed the whole build up to develop, but it is hard not to get sucked into it.

lucsnowe I know what you mean when you say it's difficult not to get sucked into the big build up. Can you explain what he's done to build the date up so much in advance? Is he very OTT with compliments/getting sexual too soon, etc?

Hi knitted knickers, he just keeps saying how much he is looking forward to meeting, how much he looks forward to our kiss. He has said it multiple times and I have to say I reciprocate. It has verged on sexual too eg what do you like from a man. And I have engaged in the whole discussion. But I know all too well that his attitude could change once he sets eyes on me. And I'm worried I will find all of that very upsetting. Of course this is all self -inflicted!

lucsnowe - I have been in that position (posted on here about it ages ago over and over again about my many anxieties!) In retrospect I felt really annoyed with myself because the guy I met built up that first date so much that I felt completely stressed before I met him. He said things like 'Are you ready to have a man in your life? I just know we're meant to be together, it's fate, it's written in the stars' blah blah blah. My natural instinct is to think this all ridiculous and outwardly in my emails back to him I made a joke of it, i.e. 'Urm, we're only meeting for coffee'-type response, but inwardly I was nervous and started worrying that I wouldn't 'stack up'. I remember thinking that I almost wasn't that bothered about whether I found him attractive, I just wanted him to find me attractive in real life! It sounds so pathetic now but my advice would be do not obsess about how you will come across to him but keep telling yourself that this is just a first date and you will decide whether you like him and that you will only have a second date if you definitely think he's up to scratch (obviously if he feels the same!!!) I know this sounds simplistic but I'm normally very switched on and quite feisty but somehow, I think I allowed myself to be manipulated by the guy I met and it all became a massive head f*ck!! Good luck, try to enjoy it and revel in your own gorgeousness!

Thank you knitted knickers, that is all really helpful. That is exactly how I feel: worried that I won't stack up, and desperate for him to find me attractive. I've hardly considered the possibility I won't find him attractive! Thank you for your encouragement. Yes I will remind myself that I am as in control as he is! So what actually happened on the date you've just referred to here?

I didn't fancy my boyfriend on the first date, if I'm honest. I think my first thought was, "shit, it would be really rude now to turn round and go home..."

But only because he wasn't 'my type' and not because he wasn't attractive. Now, I look at him and he is one of the most gorgeous and beautiful men I have ever seen. I could look at him all day. It's partly what makes all the other stuff so difficult...

lucsnowe don't obsess. He'll be as nervous as you. I found it useful to be quite pragmatic about attraction on that first date. If you don't click or fancy each other, it doesn't mean there is anything wrong with either of you, just that the 'chemistry' wasn't right. And there ain't nothing you can do about that.

I've had a rather interesting few days. My exH has signed up to the same dating site as I was on. And was telling me about it. He showed me his profile to get some feedback (that really is a new level of progress! ) and I wished him well.

That was a bit odd... Not a problem. But odd...

I told him some of my more and OD and I think I might have put him off! But he's going into it with the right idea I think.

Some of the men on these websites have got such a cheek. I got a message from one guy saying he's looked at my photos and I'm very good looking but he's not ready to be a father to my children. So I looked at his picture, which I was not impressed by!! And then, worse, read through the answers to some of his questions where he had said that the world would be a better place if people with a low IQ were not allowed to have children! But apparently I would most certainly be dying of love for him

Another man sent me a message asking if we could meet up and I replied saying I can't see you face in the picture. It's ok, he said I've decided I like you. WTF is with these men - do some of them think we're actually desperate?

Lucsnowe, it didn't end well - I think that was due to a combination of my paranoia (partly due to the feeling of pressure and wanting to be 'right') and I do think he was a player. However, that's why I say you should try to enjoy it and consider your own feelings towards him. He needs to pass your test of approval! Have a great evening.

Ok heres my situation as it stands now. Those two blokes that i was saying about up thread that just wanted fun. Lets call them man 1 and man 2.

I have been speaking to man 1 via text for 6 weeks, we had planned to meet twice but they never happened due to reasons beyond our control. One was my controlling ex but thats another story altogether. We did stop talking for a week as my ex managed to get his number and went nuts as he doesn't want me meeting anyone but we are now chatting and flirting a lot again. He goes on holiday for a few weeks tomorrow so we won't meet until he gets back now. Anyway we were up talking until 2am and he said he doesn't want just sex (i had assumed that was what he wanted) but we'll see how things go because he is really keen on me. I really like what i've seen/heard too. We must be keen if we've been chatting everyday for 6 weeks (minus 5 days).

Man 2, been speaking non-stop for 3 days now and he has already text me this morning. He is after just fun, i think he is really nice looking and am tempted to meet him once, have actually now arranged it for tomorrow but starting to bottle it already! I want to meet him and just get it out of my system but i have such low confidence i probably won't go.

Someone tell me what to do!

lucsnowe

It is tough, the whole meeting-after-a-big-buildup thing. He may not fancy you, you may not fancy him. Even if there is mutual attraction he may turn out to be wrong for you in other ways.

Everyone can be funnier behind a keyboard. Trust his worst photo, not his best. He may be married or a midget or an angry man. Or an angry married midget.

And the important thing to remember is - you don't know this man yet. You've read words on a screen, and projected your own mental image onto them. Possibly you've made him out to be nicer/better/taller/funnier than he actually is in real life. Meeting in person is a let-down maybe 90% of the time, especially when it's built up. He may be a person you wouldn't look at twice on the street because you just don't fancy him at all. He may be shorter, or older. He may smell wrong.

Even if you do fancy him in person, you've still got to get past other hurdles. Is he rude to the waiter? Does he get angry at homeless people on the street. Does he swear about his ex. Has he done five years inside for being overly affectionate with farm animals.

Lots of this stuff doesn't come out on the first date, it normally takes a few seconds or minutes to work out whether you like him, and several dates to work out how close he is to the mental projection you have of him. There will be moments of cognitive dissonance where you just think 'oh, I wasn't expecting him to say/do that' and you have to work out whether what he's done in reality is okay with you or not.

And if he doesn't seem right, then all you owe him is politeness. Nothing more.

You worry about whether you fancy him and like him. Let him worry about whether he impresses you enough. You're the prize - you should see whether he's worthy of you, not worry about whether you're worthy of him.

There are plenty more fish, really there are.

Lottie - have you had your profile checked by someone on here? Attracting those types of messages may mean your profile doesn't give the impression of a strong independent woman. Stronger wording can put the twatbadgers off.

Bant - that is a very good point, thank you.

Cold water - if I were you I would go! Nothing ventured, etc.

I feel sorry for all of you who have these controlling, angry exes. I do get a lot of messages asking how things are with my ex now.

Well proud of myself and I texted Mr IT to wish him luck today and it was him who continued the chat , he said saying his mate who he with today and his wife asked a out me .
I ended it very simply by saying have fun let me know how it goes

I got a of course x

It's silly but even if the fwb ends I have a mate and considering a friend texted me last night basically implying she can't see me now she pregnant I'll accept friendship .

Good luck to those on dates x

Hi, I'm new to this thread. Didn't think I'd end up here so quickly tbh! I broke up with my abusive ex in April and have found myself a man. Been with him for a couple of weeks now and he is completely different! This is what people talk about when they say a good man! Never had that before. I'm going to stop there or I'll make you all sick!

Jarlin, I'm glad that your date was at least pleasant, even if there was no chemistry there. Fingers crossed that the elusive chemistry is there with Mrmysterious - is your coffee date today?

lucsnowe, I think a big build-up to a date makes it very nerve-racking. I can only agree with the advice that you've already been given, and especially that it's very important to think whether you like him tonight, not just whether you think he likes you. It can feel as if you know someone quite well if you've exchanged lots of messages, but it really is impossible to tell (in my opinion) until you meet them face to face.

blueeyedmonster, that sounds good! Did you meet him online?

Meanwhile, it's my third date with Walt today. We're going to an exhibition. I'm not really sure how I feel about it. He still seems lovely, but is giving me no signals at all that he finds me attractive, so not sure if it's just a friends thing? I feel quite awkward about it all really. Plus I've had such an exhausting week with DS, and not sure if I'm in the right place emotionally ... but if I don't date because of DS, I'll be single forever, which doesn't sound very appealing either. Sigh.

Because you're an alcoholic. Or possibly a St Bernard