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Original poster

Do I confront him??

135 replies

IKnowHisSecret · 13/08/2014 09:06

I have done something very stupid and now it's eating away at me.
I looked at my DH work emails... And saw something that made me feel sick.
He has a contact that he flirts with regularly by the looks of things. They talk at work on the phone occasionally too. She lives down South somewhere I think so they have never met up but I know he has looked her up on Facebook. She has a partner and a child.
Anyway, the thing that made me feel sick is an email I saw from a few months back that he has kept. She stated "if only we were single and lived nearer" and my DH response was "I know :-("
She replied with "what's the :-( for?" He said "just :-("
I have recently seen an email and now know he has her number, she joked and asked if she was going to get loads of dodgy calls or pizza delivered to the office? He replied with "it's not pizza I want it's the COOKIE"
WTF???? How old is he? 14????? He's knocking on 40!
If our sex life was boring I could understand him looking but it isn't, and from her pictures on Facebook she's not that attractive - I feel insulted that he's looking at her!

So... I wanted to confront him as soon as I saw it but there is something big going on at work and I know if it pays off it would benefit us greatly so decided to keep my mouth shut until things are finalised.
Another part of me wants to keep having a sneaky look to see how far it will go, just to see what a complete arsehole he really is?

OP posts:
Only1scoop · 14/08/2014 08:01

Hope you ok Op....did you ask him what was going on?

Original poster
IKnowHisSecret · 14/08/2014 09:03

Morning scoop. No I didn't ask him. Playing miss marble at the moment.
He is so stressed about this deal at work that he woke up at 4 this morning, he woke me up by getting out of bed (I'm a heavy sleeper usually)
We talked a little about his job and then he asked me to brainstorm with him and write down a few ideas... Being the good wife I am I did it, which is no different to how I'd normally be.
I managed to have a quick look at his emails yesterday and found nothing new, checked his online billing and her number hasn't come up as yet so he hasn't called/texted her mobile yet. Let's see if that changes eh??
I was raging mad yesterday, today I am calm... Maybe that's through lack of sleep?
I will confront him, I have to. I just don't have enough ammo yet and he really is stressed at work. If he blows this deal it's not just him it effects.
For now I will sit back with a cuppa and quietly plan my options...

OP posts:
Original poster
IKnowHisSecret · 14/08/2014 09:11

Bloody marble... I meant marple!! Stupid auto correct.

OP posts:
Squidstirfry · 14/08/2014 09:47

So sorry you are having to go through this. What a pillock.
Bide your time Miss Marbles! If he is a skanky 2-timer his true colours will eventually show, if you can be bothered to wait that long. The trust has alread gone now though, which is sad. And that is enough in itself to leave someone, sometimes.

Original poster
IKnowHisSecret · 14/08/2014 09:59

The trust has gone now, I have no idea how we'll get past this, I'm really hoping that it really is flirting that went a little too far. But who am I trying to kid? If I did something like this he would fly off the handle so why should I let it slide?

OP posts:
Vivacia · 14/08/2014 10:38

I'm normally low tolerance on this kind of thing, but I really think that this, "I'm really hoping that it really is flirting that went a little too far." is likely to describe what's happened.

If it was "just" talk and he really, really was sorry I'd end up forgiving.

Original poster
IKnowHisSecret · 14/08/2014 11:05

Morning Viv. I'd love to forgive and forget, I don't want to waste 12 years over a flirtation. Trouble is, I don't know whether I can forget, this has planted a seed now and I'm questioning little things that have happened over our time together. Will that seed of doubt ever really go away now?

OP posts:
Jan45 · 14/08/2014 11:07

It never goes away, the trust is already broken, he may not have cheated but the intention is there. You can stay with him and work it out but it won't ever go away.

Original poster
IKnowHisSecret · 14/08/2014 11:27

Morning Jan. I know deep down it will never go away. I just hope we can work through it. Hopefully he'll be honest and man enough to tell me why he's carried on like this, what is he getting from her that he doesn't get from me?
By the way, just to rub more salt in my wounds... The message from a few months back of him being :-( about them not being single and living closer was the week of our wedding anniversary... Penny dropped last night when I saw it again on his phone.

OP posts:
kaykayblue · 14/08/2014 11:43

OP - I think you are getting into dangerous territory by snooping and waiting to see "what else turns up". At the end of the day, he has already crossed a line, and I think that's what you need to focus on. You will drive yourself crazy by snooping, and he is bound to catch on.

I also don't think it's a question of "what is he getting from her that he can't from me". The fact is, men who do this - generally they just do it because they are pathetic and like the attention. He already knows that you love him, etc - I mean, you're married! The kick he is getting from this is that there are still other women that find him irresistible, witty, desireable or whatever.

Jan45 · 14/08/2014 11:53

Just remember you will never know the full story, he will minimise, minimise and minimise, just keep your eyes and ears alert, he may well just carry on but hide it better.

4seasons · 14/08/2014 12:25

I too would bide my time and see what turns up. What you do from now on should be to your benefit and not his . If it is " just " flirting gone too far then you might want to continue with your marriage but you will never forget what he has written to this other woman.

However , it is possible to live a happy life together even after this . You will just be more cynical and careful , not as trusting but equally not as vulnerable . You will develop a harder shell around your feelings to protect yourself and will have planned what to do if there are further incidents .

Only you will know if this is what suits you. All relationships are different and what suits one person would be hell on earth for another. Use the next few weeks to sort out how you feel about things and also do some practical things re. finances etc. Use it wisely . At least you appear to have had some warning of possible trouble ahead unlike some of the poor women on MN whose other halves suddenly up and leave , taking everything with them and leaving the women to struggle on next to nothing and usually with children to take care of too.

I really hope that you will both be able to sort this out and move on and have happy lives together.

gamerchick · 14/08/2014 13:21

Op you're going to drive yourself nuts if you keep this to yourself.

Send her an email telling her to stop helping you husband make himself look like a knob, make yourself real to her. Then tell him to stop emotionally fucking around behind your back because it's making him look foolish. Whether it's just some light relief from any stress he's under or whatever he needs to know he's treading all over the boundaries. Ask him to reverse it and would he be happy if you were doing what he was via email and let him stew.

He's out of order and you want to wait so things are easier for him at work?

Jan45 · 14/08/2014 13:32

Sorry but I hate that advice about getting in touch with OW - it's like fighting for your man, her fight is not with the OW, it's with her OH - the OW will probably love it if she gets in touch and it will be a right laugh for her...........just reeks of desperation I'm afraid.

brokenhearted55a · 14/08/2014 13:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

gamerchick · 14/08/2014 14:01

Just going on the tone of the OPs posts.. The other woman is nothing to look at, why is he doing this when I keep myself nice and do good little wifey things like brainstorming for him when he's woken me up in the middle of the night type stuff. Skulking around trying to catch him out. Keeping things normal so EC hubby doesn't get stressed at work.

Why not add one more thing on top of that?

In reality he needs a good kick in the nads and to face the consequences of his actions but no way is the OP going to do any of that.

Original poster
IKnowHisSecret · 14/08/2014 14:03

I would never give the fag ash moose anything to feel smug over. The more I look at her picture the more angry I get because he's chasing an ugly troll.
I have realised he really must be very shallow to encourage attention from something that looks like that. I don't blame her for finding him attractive, because he is and he certainly has the gift of the gab...
I have been thinking this morning (probably too much-my head hurts)
Don't think I can wait until this work thing is over... So looks like it's going to be over the weekend! I'll get the kids out of the house so they don't have to witness the vile things I am going to admit to have seen in those emails.

OP posts:
Original poster
IKnowHisSecret · 14/08/2014 14:10

Gamer I am being my usual supportive self so he doesn't catch on that I'm looking or know anything. Want to really catch the b*stard out. Going to take screen prints of the worst emails so there's no way he can deny them.

OP posts:
brokenhearted55a · 14/08/2014 14:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
IKnowHisSecret · 14/08/2014 15:07

Brokenhearted, I'm so sorry to hear you've been through something so similar. And for an ugly trout too! Believe me, you aren't cruel and bitter, you just aren't wearing rose coloured glasses like our men are/did.
Personally I think my "DH" must have blackout glasses on... I have to laugh... It helps keep me angry but strong instead of turning into a blubbering wreck.

OP posts:
Joysmum · 14/08/2014 15:08

Of course, he may well have been less careful of boundaries precisely because she was far away, nothing was going to happen and she is no threat to you in his eyes.

Perhaps those things meant it wasn't serious in his eyes but if she'd been accessible, it would never have happened.

brokenhearted55a · 14/08/2014 15:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Vivacia · 14/08/2014 15:15

For goodness' sake with the women-hating comments!

Original poster
IKnowHisSecret · 14/08/2014 15:16

Joysmum - that certainly is a possibility. But would he like it if the tables were turned? No. So I'm not standing for it either.
If he gets away with this then what next? It may be with someone much more accessible.

OP posts:
Jan45 · 14/08/2014 15:27

Yeah, the slagging off the other women's looks is getting a bit tiresome now.