Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Do I confront him??

135 replies

IKnowHisSecret · 13/08/2014 09:06

I have done something very stupid and now it's eating away at me.
I looked at my DH work emails... And saw something that made me feel sick.
He has a contact that he flirts with regularly by the looks of things. They talk at work on the phone occasionally too. She lives down South somewhere I think so they have never met up but I know he has looked her up on Facebook. She has a partner and a child.
Anyway, the thing that made me feel sick is an email I saw from a few months back that he has kept. She stated "if only we were single and lived nearer" and my DH response was "I know :-("
She replied with "what's the :-( for?" He said "just :-("
I have recently seen an email and now know he has her number, she joked and asked if she was going to get loads of dodgy calls or pizza delivered to the office? He replied with "it's not pizza I want it's the COOKIE"
WTF???? How old is he? 14????? He's knocking on 40!
If our sex life was boring I could understand him looking but it isn't, and from her pictures on Facebook she's not that attractive - I feel insulted that he's looking at her!

So... I wanted to confront him as soon as I saw it but there is something big going on at work and I know if it pays off it would benefit us greatly so decided to keep my mouth shut until things are finalised.
Another part of me wants to keep having a sneaky look to see how far it will go, just to see what a complete arsehole he really is?

OP posts:
annielovebaasi · 13/08/2014 13:05

Vivacia wat do u mean by that

Vivacia · 13/08/2014 13:06

annie I mean that keeping tabs on your partner, behind his back, must be a very draining, tiring, unhappy way to live.

I don't know for certain that my partner isn't cheating on me, but I live every second of my life as though he is faithful, loving and trustworthy.

annielovebaasi · 13/08/2014 13:09

I dnt do it behind his back I do know he loves me but I still cnt trust him 100% I check his fone in front of him and he tried to snatch it but I still check it sometimes I find stuff sometimes I dnt

annielovebaasi · 13/08/2014 13:10

Wat if he's cheating on you wouldn't you want to leave him before he does?

Wrapdress · 13/08/2014 13:13

"Cookie" is a term comedian Steve Harvey uses for sex.

Vivacia · 13/08/2014 13:31

Wat if he's cheating on you wouldn't you want to leave him before he does?

Obviously, I'd rather he tell me his feelings have changed before he started a relationship with someone else, but we both know how often things work out like that! If he's cheating on me, me snooping his phone isn't going to stop him, is it?

But the most important thing to me is to love and to trust and to live my life like that rather than living as though I'm his guard and with suspicion and mistrust. I'd much, much rather be single.

yoyo27 · 13/08/2014 13:43

I agree with some previous posts. Wait for the deal, get screenshots etc in the meantime. You may be able to check mobile numbers called from his mobile account online? Not sure if they show up or not.

But yes, bide your time xx

annielovebaasi · 13/08/2014 13:44

Vivacia I totally agree with u in that sense but men are unpredictable. I've read too many stories and in those stories the woman doesn't know and the guys cheating on her then he leaves her. These stories have affected my mind. I love my man to bits and pieces and I wish I could trust him 100% and I know he loves me more than I love him but it's just one of those things

annielovebaasi · 13/08/2014 13:46

But as time is passing I dnt check his fone as much and I've learned to trust him more. He's going to be the father to my baby so I love him too much I just dnt want him taking advantage of that

Original poster
IKnowHisSecret · 13/08/2014 13:54

I think it may be the attention he likes, safe in the knowledge it'll never go anywhere but he gets his ego boosted (personally I don't see how as she's a fag ash moose like I've said)
Still doesn't mean I like it.

OP posts:
Vivacia · 13/08/2014 14:07

What's your nickname for him OP? He's the one cheating on you.

I think you should take a screen print, just so that you don't question yourself when the inevitable denials come.

Vivacia · 13/08/2014 14:10

annie you describe men as a homogeneous group - "unpredictable" and "dirty". That's just not my experience. I feel really bad for you that you are living like this, choosing a man you fear is taking advantage of you.

Jan45 · 13/08/2014 14:32

No offence but if your OH was happy and content in his relationship he'd have no actual desire to seek out ego stroking from fag ash Lil.

Jan45 · 13/08/2014 14:34

What I mean by that is, the fact this has been discovered signifies there's something seriously wrong with the relationship in the first place.

Vivacia · 13/08/2014 14:38

something seriously wrong with the relationship in the first place

Or, the relationship could be fine and there's just something seriously wrong with him and he wants his cake and to eat it.
Even if you're right, and the relationship is "seriously wrong" normal people don't think that the solution is to start sending dirty messages to colleagues over company emails.

Jan45 · 13/08/2014 14:51

Viv: absolutely, just another angle.

When I say seriously, I mean seriously no real commitment.

Original poster
IKnowHisSecret · 13/08/2014 15:21

Jan and Viv, you're right. He's obviously not happy with me otherwise he wouldn't need his ego boosted. Like a prat I make sure I tell him he looks good and give him compliments so he knows he is the apple of my eye. He tells me things too but obviously not with sincerity that I do...
I do think he wants to have his cake and eat it. I just wish it was just my cake he wanted to eat... Or should I say cookie?? Hmm

OP posts:
Jan45 · 13/08/2014 15:46

Lol, sorry OP, you know it, he's not the trustworthy type, he has it all and still goes looking....

Jan45 · 13/08/2014 15:48

After finding this out OP, instead of wishing he wanted your cookie, you should be wondering whether you want his, don't let his minimising make you feel you have won a prize.

kaykayblue · 13/08/2014 15:50

Vivacia - I can see your point about how sad it is if someone is with their partner, and feels the need to keep checking their mobile/e-mails just in case something is going on.

But that doesn't seem to be the case here. The OP felt like something was not right, so checked e-mails to confirm it. And seems to have had those suspicions confirmed.

I don't really see any problem in that.

I would only be weird if there was consistently nothing going on, but she felt compelled to keep checking as she didn't trust him.

Vivacia · 13/08/2014 15:57

But that doesn't seem to be the case here.

I know, that's why I agreed with Jan's comment, "I know OP, wasn't directed at you, was just a general observation after reading so many similar threads."

Vivacia · 13/08/2014 15:58

In fact, that's been my point all along. I don't advise her getting in to a place where that's what's she's doing.

Twinklestein · 13/08/2014 16:01

I dunno, I don't believe in playing games, but I would be inclined to keep an eye and watch how far he will go before confronting him.

Right now it can be dismissed as a flirtation and in that case you will never know, yet always fear where it may have ended up.

A female friend of mine started lying and rather than confront her immediately I gave her rope to see if she'd hang herself. She did, quite unambiguously, and I'm so glad I made that choice because it meant I had no doubt as to what I was dealing with.

Original poster
IKnowHisSecret · 13/08/2014 16:26

Twinkle that's exactly how I'm feeling, I don't want to play games but need to know if he truly is a b*stard or if it's all talk. I don't want to end my marriage over a flirtation that got a bit carried away.

OP posts:
Vivacia · 13/08/2014 16:39

I would confront asap and tell him to pack his bags. Give him a couple of days in a Travelodge to work up some proper grovelling and then take him back.

I hope he doesn't read this.