Don't know what to do

[Sickandworried]

Have NC for this.

I am pretty sure my DP of 10 yrs is having an affair. We have 2 DC and I'm 35wks pregnant with our third.

I know it sounds odd asking strangers what to do but I have no friends or family near and don't feel I have anyone to talk to.

I have had suspicions for a little while but put it down to pregnancy hormones (have had thoughts like this when pregnant previously)

He gets home from work later than me (we are on holiday so no work at the moment). He constantly goes out, just short trips, walking dog or shop etc.

I got suspicious as all of a sudden he was keeping his phone on him, previously it would be laying around, not on etc.

I did the stupid thing today as for once he left it at home when he went out with the kids. It was turned off so I turned it on and looked. There was one message (he usually deletes everything as he goes along so I was quite surprised to find anything) it was from an unsaved number, sent at 5.30 in the morning. The gist was ' what are your plans today?' It then asked when they could say hello, even if briefly for half an hour.

I feel sick, he is seeing someone else isn't he? How the hell do I deal with this? Do I ask him outright and admit to looking at his phone?

Shit what am I going to do?

[Itsfab]

Jan45 - they might not know he was married and sometimes people do do the right thing. I am trying to help Sickandworried, no need to make sneery comments.

[Osirus]

Did you get a response to the message?

[Joysmum]

Thinking of you. Hope you get the answers you need.

[SnotandBothered]

*Sick. I was thinking about this today. I too hope you got the answers you needed. We are here if you need to talk anything through

[Sickandworried]

Thank you, it means a lot.

We have been talking when the kids are in bed. He has finally admitted that he did strike up this internet thing with the intention of sleeping with someone else. Our sex life has not been great for a while, especially since being pregnant (fertility treatment baby so not much fun ttc either).
I am not making excuses just giving background.
He says he thought I had gone off him and wasn't interested in sex anymore (I admit that I have given that impression). So in his infinite wisdom his solution was not to talk to me (as he was scared I would say I wanted out of the relationship) but to look elsewhere.
However he says that when it came down to it he couldn't do it, that it wasn't what he wanted and he couldn't go through with it. I want to believe him more than anything. Not that I am minimising anything he has done, he has broken my heart. But he wants to go to counselling as he wants it to work between us.

I did get a reply to the text, he had not warned them and they have contacted him to try and arrange a meet up. I have asked her (as it is the woman texting) who they are and if they have slept with him.
As of yet no reply.

I am still too shell shocked to think straight. I've not been eating or sleeping and have entered the crying phase (not helped by the hormones I'm sure).
He seems devastated, as he would, and should do.
I don't know what to do, I need to think of my children and the baby first and also need to know the full truth (which he says he has finally told me)

I'm sure I sound stupid and gullible but I love him and have spent 10 years with him. But I don't know if this is something I can get over.

[something2say]

Hey you don't sound stupid and gullible. There has been a massive shock and you are pregnant. I think the thing is, he has changed things by his behaviour. He did something that changes how you see him. There was a problem and he looked outside of the relationship to solve it. Also, threesomes may not be your thing but they seem to be his....how is that going to work? The worst thing is that you have so much on your plate and he has effectively dumped you.

If I were you, I would let time pass and let it sink in, and during that time gather yourself together in your mind. Sad as it is, this may be the death knell to what was, and you may need to be independent if he does end up having to go, either he goes himself or you push him off. Either way he has changed the game and you have to face up to it at some stage and make sure you are alright.

Have you told anyone in real life yet? You need looking after xxx

[Sickandworried]

No, I've not told anyone, there isn't anyone, it's always sort of just been us. The friend I was thinking about talking to is on holiday.

He says he doesn't want it to end, that he is desperate to make it work. He has communication and intimacy issues resulting from a bad childhood, he sort of sees sex as a functional rather than emotional thing, if that makes sense.
It is in no way an excuse but I am not blameless on the sex front, I have made absolutely no effort for a long time now. I thought, wrongly as it turned out, that he wasn't really bothered about it all. So buried my head in the sand that it wasn't a problem as long as he was letting me get away with it. I can see now how this made him feel, but think his solution was a really shit one.

I asked him why he didn't just have an affair and he said because he doesn't want anyone else, just me. It was just a way of getting no strings sex without hurting anyone (as obviously I was not meant to find out) which he couldn't go through with (apparently).

I don't know where we go from here, I either believe him or not (it doesn't look like the other parties are prepared to shed any light on the situation as they have not replied)
I can't really look at him at the moment and to be honest I just want to punch him in the knackers, but that won't solve anything.

I suppose we continue to talk, which is something we should have done a long time ago and I wait to see if the offer of councelling is genuine.

I just feel physically and emotionally exhausted.

[badbaldingballerina123]

Let him look into counselling for you both , this is his mess to resolve. Do consider though , a counsellor for yourself , you'll need to process this and you can't do that with him. As fontella says , try to put yourself first .