Don't know what to do

[Sickandworried]

Have NC for this.

I am pretty sure my DP of 10 yrs is having an affair. We have 2 DC and I'm 35wks pregnant with our third.

I know it sounds odd asking strangers what to do but I have no friends or family near and don't feel I have anyone to talk to.

I have had suspicions for a little while but put it down to pregnancy hormones (have had thoughts like this when pregnant previously)

He gets home from work later than me (we are on holiday so no work at the moment). He constantly goes out, just short trips, walking dog or shop etc.

I got suspicious as all of a sudden he was keeping his phone on him, previously it would be laying around, not on etc.

I did the stupid thing today as for once he left it at home when he went out with the kids. It was turned off so I turned it on and looked. There was one message (he usually deletes everything as he goes along so I was quite surprised to find anything) it was from an unsaved number, sent at 5.30 in the morning. The gist was ' what are your plans today?' It then asked when they could say hello, even if briefly for half an hour.

I feel sick, he is seeing someone else isn't he? How the hell do I deal with this? Do I ask him outright and admit to looking at his phone?

Shit what am I going to do?

[badbaldingballerina123]

Let him look into counselling for you both , this is his mess to resolve. Do consider though , a counsellor for yourself , you'll need to process this and you can't do that with him. As fontella says , try to put yourself first .

[Sickandworried]

No, I've not told anyone, there isn't anyone, it's always sort of just been us. The friend I was thinking about talking to is on holiday.

He says he doesn't want it to end, that he is desperate to make it work. He has communication and intimacy issues resulting from a bad childhood, he sort of sees sex as a functional rather than emotional thing, if that makes sense.
It is in no way an excuse but I am not blameless on the sex front, I have made absolutely no effort for a long time now. I thought, wrongly as it turned out, that he wasn't really bothered about it all. So buried my head in the sand that it wasn't a problem as long as he was letting me get away with it. I can see now how this made him feel, but think his solution was a really shit one.

I asked him why he didn't just have an affair and he said because he doesn't want anyone else, just me. It was just a way of getting no strings sex without hurting anyone (as obviously I was not meant to find out) which he couldn't go through with (apparently).

I don't know where we go from here, I either believe him or not (it doesn't look like the other parties are prepared to shed any light on the situation as they have not replied)
I can't really look at him at the moment and to be honest I just want to punch him in the knackers, but that won't solve anything.

I suppose we continue to talk, which is something we should have done a long time ago and I wait to see if the offer of councelling is genuine.

I just feel physically and emotionally exhausted.

[something2say]

Hey you don't sound stupid and gullible. There has been a massive shock and you are pregnant. I think the thing is, he has changed things by his behaviour. He did something that changes how you see him. There was a problem and he looked outside of the relationship to solve it. Also, threesomes may not be your thing but they seem to be his....how is that going to work? The worst thing is that you have so much on your plate and he has effectively dumped you.

If I were you, I would let time pass and let it sink in, and during that time gather yourself together in your mind. Sad as it is, this may be the death knell to what was, and you may need to be independent if he does end up having to go, either he goes himself or you push him off. Either way he has changed the game and you have to face up to it at some stage and make sure you are alright.

Have you told anyone in real life yet? You need looking after xxx

[Sickandworried]

Thank you, it means a lot.

We have been talking when the kids are in bed. He has finally admitted that he did strike up this internet thing with the intention of sleeping with someone else. Our sex life has not been great for a while, especially since being pregnant (fertility treatment baby so not much fun ttc either).
I am not making excuses just giving background.
He says he thought I had gone off him and wasn't interested in sex anymore (I admit that I have given that impression). So in his infinite wisdom his solution was not to talk to me (as he was scared I would say I wanted out of the relationship) but to look elsewhere.
However he says that when it came down to it he couldn't do it, that it wasn't what he wanted and he couldn't go through with it. I want to believe him more than anything. Not that I am minimising anything he has done, he has broken my heart. But he wants to go to counselling as he wants it to work between us.

I did get a reply to the text, he had not warned them and they have contacted him to try and arrange a meet up. I have asked her (as it is the woman texting) who they are and if they have slept with him.
As of yet no reply.

I am still too shell shocked to think straight. I've not been eating or sleeping and have entered the crying phase (not helped by the hormones I'm sure).
He seems devastated, as he would, and should do.
I don't know what to do, I need to think of my children and the baby first and also need to know the full truth (which he says he has finally told me)

I'm sure I sound stupid and gullible but I love him and have spent 10 years with him. But I don't know if this is something I can get over.

[SnotandBothered]

*Sick. I was thinking about this today. I too hope you got the answers you needed. We are here if you need to talk anything through

[Joysmum]

Thinking of you. Hope you get the answers you need.

[Osirus]

Did you get a response to the message?

[Itsfab]

Jan45 - they might not know he was married and sometimes people do do the right thing. I am trying to help Sickandworried, no need to make sneery comments.

[Sickandworried]

Well I don't trust him now, I did but he has screwed that all up.

If I felt he was telling me the truth then I could try to process it all but I just don't.

[showtunesgirl]

If you're that suspicious, this means you don't trust him.

In my book, that means the relationship is over anyway.

[Jan45]

Do you really think:

1. they haven't already been pre warned

and

1. have a conscience - when they are mtg up for no strings sex with strangers and/or know the man they are having sex with is married???

[Itsfab]

You have nothing to feel stupid about, you haven't done anything wrong.

I would call the number and be honest. Say you are the wife, are about to give birth and would appreciate them telling you what has gone on with no come back to them. They aren't the ones who have betrayed you and you might get lucky, it might be they have a conscience.

[Snapespeare]

If I were having an affair with a married man and he told me his wife suspected something was up and that she had seen a text, so possibly had my number... I would go and buy a 99p PAYG sim card and discard the old PAYG sim card I had been using. Don't expect a response OP, unless they are really stupid about covering their tracks.

[fluffyraggies]

I think he's prob'ly warned the owner of the number by now :(

It's worth a shot though. Even if just to feel you're 'doing' something. You must look after yourself though OP. I know it's hard but try not to spend time just stressing. I wonder if there'll be an answer?

[ROUNDandROUNDINCIRCILESMORETHA]

oh no OP would feel exactly the same.
Save the number, text asking to meet at the park, take your dc's for a play early evening and see who turns up I know it will be hard but if anything is going on this could be a way of finding out who it is and if it's suspicious.???

[Sickandworried]

I just said 'sorry, been trying to find a min. How are you?'

I though less was the way forward otherwise it may give me away. No reply as of yet.

[fluffyraggies]

What did you say OP?

I'd be ringing or texting the number too.

[Sickandworried]

I've sent a txt to the number, now I really feel sick.

[Quitelikely]

How about asking a trusted friend to call the number for you?

[Fontella]

What is there to feel stupid about?

Your H has been going on sex sites and has given out his phone number to a sexual contact, at the very least although personally I'm sure there is far more to it than that. (3am phone conversation that you heard with your own ears, that he denies and tells you you imagined ffs!). You've got the phone number and want to check it out. Nothing stupid about that. There's plenty of women in your situation who would want to do the same, me included.

However, if it was me, to be honest, I'd leave it for a bit. Let things die down a little. You are under immense stress at the moment, and your health really is paramount. If I was in your shoes I'd put that number away somewhere - let him (and her/them) think you've swallowed his BS.

I know it's so incredibly difficult but try and focus on your own mental and physical well being. If your husband is being attentive and caring, bloody well let him. If it was me I'd make the fucker wait on me hand and foot and kiss my arse, while I bide my time.

Then later on when he thinks he's got away with it, I'd make contact with that number or get someone to do it for me. One way or another I'd find out what the fucker had been up to and then deal with it.

LTB is all very well, but you are in an incredibly difficult position right now, and you have to put yourself, the baby, and the little ones first. No disrepect but fuck your H right now. Put him at the bottom of the list where he belongs - there's unfinished business there of course, but I'm not convinced that now is the time you should be trying to deal with it. Others will disagree with me I'm sure, but I know I couldn't in your situation and I'd play the waiting game.

In the meantime, please don't fall for his bullshit and lies, because that's what it is, and you know it. Do what you have to do to get through the next few weeks but don't kick the can down the road indefinately. Your H has betrayed you in the most despicable way and that is something that you should never lose sight of, no matter how contrite and remorseful he may appear.

[Jan45]

If it's a good friend, they will want the best for you and want to support you, by keeping his secret you are effectively covering for him, you need someone for goodness sake, at the moment, he's pretty much enemy no 1, I hope you call that friend soon.

[Sickandworried]

Not face to face round here no.

I'm considering contacting a friend but like has been said I would have to say it all out loud and I feel stupid.

[Fontella]

Is there absolutely no-one in RL you can confide in? Give them number to them and get them to contact it?

[Sickandworried]

Yeah suppose, was sort of going along the lines of the internet couple story being bullshit and it being someone else.

I don't know, thanks for keeping me company though. Have shut myself away upstairs to rest after scare. Can't really face him or the kids.

[Jan45]

via email or however it was he was talking to them online.