Don't know what to do

[Sickandworried]

Have NC for this.

I am pretty sure my DP of 10 yrs is having an affair. We have 2 DC and I'm 35wks pregnant with our third.

I know it sounds odd asking strangers what to do but I have no friends or family near and don't feel I have anyone to talk to.

I have had suspicions for a little while but put it down to pregnancy hormones (have had thoughts like this when pregnant previously)

He gets home from work later than me (we are on holiday so no work at the moment). He constantly goes out, just short trips, walking dog or shop etc.

I got suspicious as all of a sudden he was keeping his phone on him, previously it would be laying around, not on etc.

I did the stupid thing today as for once he left it at home when he went out with the kids. It was turned off so I turned it on and looked. There was one message (he usually deletes everything as he goes along so I was quite surprised to find anything) it was from an unsaved number, sent at 5.30 in the morning. The gist was ' what are your plans today?' It then asked when they could say hello, even if briefly for half an hour.

I feel sick, he is seeing someone else isn't he? How the hell do I deal with this? Do I ask him outright and admit to looking at his phone?

Shit what am I going to do?

He "didn't know" ? That's convenient for him (and a complete whitewash, of course he knew).

Anyway, I don't want to keep putting you on the spot. Your relationship, your decision to make.

Can you check his phone bill to see how many texts calls to the number?

I agree the answers are sketchy. I've told him how convenient it all seems and that I don't really believe him.

I appreciate the replies, I have no-one to talk it through with in RL and so it is just going round and round in my head. An impartial view is sobering as I'm a tad emotional at the mo, it's been a hell of a few days.

It's a pay as you go so no bill.

If he didn't think he was cheating, then why keep it a secret from you. I feel for you OP. What a really crappy situation to be in x

Are you certain you have no one to talk to IRL?

It is good for the soul to unburden yourself, experience another person's empathy. MN is fine, but it will do you much better with a person you trust and care for. And speaking this out loud will allow it to become "real". Perhaps that's something you'd like to avoid at first, but it's when a problem becomes "real" that we also find the real, practical solutions that we want.

OP I get how much easier it would be to allow yourself to bury all this and get back to normal.

The problem is that the normal isn't there anymore.

His actions have changed your life for good.

He'll never be the same to you and you'll never feel the same about your life.

Now you have to decide whether you can live with that.

But I really find think he's being honest with you.

His story stinks. That's all.

Of course he knew it was wrong, what possible acceptable reason is there for going on sex sites for no string sex....???

He is lying of course, I find it impossible to swallow how one person who was purely dealing in fantasy alone would let strangers know their phone number and whereabouts, no sense in that at all.

You might have his phone but sure he has contacted those concerned already via email.

You might not be up for doing anything at the moment and that's fine but your relationship is now without trust and that won't go away, you will at some point have to deal with it for your own peace of mind, good luck.

And stop keeping his dirty secret, tell someone!

Don't forget OP your initial post states you suspect (are pretty sure) an affair, and that's without any of us commenting.

OP, you said that you suspected him of cheating when you were previously pregnant. It's quite possible that your instincts were correct on that occasion too.

If he's been in chat rooms he will have a user name , and you'll probably be able to see his contacts and chat history. Couples who want a third party can take their pick from dozens of men , and the woman is usually fairly picky. I think it very unlikely they have swapped phone numbers without pictures being exchanged , along with the usual sleaze about their sexual preferences. He's obviously put a fair bit of time and effort into this. And it seems he's been sleazing around on line for quite some time.

The trouble is with this sort of thing is that everyone starts off with a line , and then the line starts to move in relation to what comes out. You said you could sort of understand the internet chatting. That's a deal breaker for most people. And you do have proof he's done something. You know he's been on sleazy sites arranging to meet a couple for a threesome , and you know he's lied about it , saying it's all in your head .That's enough, there doesn't need to be proof of anything else.

Discovering your partner is unfaithful is horrific , especially now when you are due to give birth. Your likely in shock and not able to think clearly at this stage. As others say , don't keep his dirty secrets , tell someone , you'll need the support.

He said he used a non registration site so he didn't have to give any personal info. He has also said the chat is instant so no log of what has been said. Having no experience of this I have no idea if this could be true.

I have told him that I think he is telling me the minimum and that I think there is more to it, he swears over and over not (but then he would wouldn't he)

With regards to pics again he says not. I said that I can't believe anyone would go so far as to try to arrange a meeting with someone when they have no idea what they look like. He said it didn't matter from his point of view as he had no intention of meeting anyone.

I am so bloody confused.
What if he is telling the truth? I know you all think he is lying, I can usually tell if he is lying to me but not this time.
I sound like a weak, naive sap. But I just wish I could believe him.

No you don't OP, you sound like a partner who desperately wants to believe but your head is telling you different, our opinions are from a non emotional point of view, we are not involved with him, you will want to believe him of course but I'm afraid the facts are what they are, no way are people meeting up without swapping pics, is part of the whole titillation.

Am I right in thinking he also gave out your home addy? If so, that's hardly fantasy is it.

No apparently just the general area, town name, he says that it had like a username and area at the top of the posts.

They apparently live 30mins away.

I said if it was all fantasy and anonymous then why give the true area out, why not say he was from somewhere else (apparently used a false name).
He said he didn't think, but that just tells me he was looking for people close.

I speak to him and he seems plausible, I come on here and he is a lying cheating shit, my head is going to explode. Don't take that to mean I don't want to listen to the responses it is just so fucked up.

Sorry but the searching for meet ups in your area says it all really.

Please confide in someone, you need RL support.

I don't have any close friends nearby as we have moved a lot. My family don't live near either, not that this is the sort of thing you can tell your mum.

I just don't know who I can talk to.

Apparently he wasn't looking for anyone close, it was them who noticed the closeness in area and started talking to him.

But he stated his whereabouts, why do that if it's all fantasy. You surely have a friend at least that you can confide in, even by phone. Not for your mum to know no.

Even if he is telling the truth , that he didn't meet up , your still left with the following. A man who has gone on line having on line sex with people. That's what he means by talking about sex. He's then gone to the trouble of creating a user name to chat with people about threesomes , and he's given out his number. And he's lied and lied.

I think it's totally normal to swinging between believing them and not believing them , it's probably too soon to process and its a trauma.

If someone is texting him at 5am wanting to say Hello, it does not sound like some swinger stranger.

A swinger stranger would be texting him sexually exciting stuff - at the very least it'd be highly suggestive. And it wouldn't be at 5am in the bloody morning.

No, this is someone he knows, someone he has been having an emotional affair with. And he's desperately trying to protect HER. He's maintaining her anonymity very successfully - you are completely thrown off the scent.

I am only a few weeks less than you, so your story fills me with horror. Feeling the baby move and feeling so vunerable and imagining such callousness. I honestly don't think I could manage to NOT know. I know the thoughts of ringing the number makes you feel sick - but how can you rest without doing it? How can you keep his phone away from him indefinately? How can you be lying there feeding the baby, exhausted, and have him say "We're out of nappies, I'm going to the supermarket" and not feel sick?

Please please ring the number. Yes, the person may have been warned, but they still may get a shock when you ring - enough of a shock to tell you the truth. If it is an emotional affair they may be very shaken by reality intruding. And at least you'll stop feeling lost and confused and bamboozled.

Daft question, have you googled the number?

Either way, he knew he was being unfaithful to your boundaries. Seeking sexual thrills with other people and excluding your partner isn't acceptable in my marriage. Whether he was physically unfaithful isn't relevant if you feel the same. If you don't, and if the story as you've been told is true but think you can work the ought it then it's worth digging deeper, just to be sure.

The lying part is that it's unlikely this has anything to do with a couple, btw. Like someone else said, it sounds considerably more like it's someone he knows. Who texts a stranger at 5am? That's obviously not the only thing outting his big fat lie...he seems to be digging a bigger hole.

Oh sweetheart - please read back over what you have written here. 'You are confused' 'You don't know what to believe' ' he seems plausible' 'What if he's telling the truth?'

There's nothing to be confused about and he isn't telling the truth.

The facts are staring you in the face and the only thing that is stopping you from seeing that is your H's minimising, lies and excuses. There's nothing plausible about anything he's told you - it's complete and utter bullshit and you are the only one who can't see it because he is manipulating you to not to, with his sincere denials and apparent remorse.

You keep repeating all the things he's told you in your posts - he had no intention of meeting anyone, he didn't think it was wrong, he never sent any pictures or gave out any personal info (apart from his mobile number of course) he wasn't looking for anyone close ... it was all nowhere near as bad as everyone here is telling you it is. It was just a little bit of fantasy and him not really thinking about what he was doing, silly boy, and he had no intention of actually doing anything.

This is what they all say. Your H is no different. He's trotting out the same bollocks that they all trot out. It's not what you think, I never intended to go through with anything, it was all a bit of fantasy that's all, I would NEVER do anything like that.

No ... and I'm the Queen of England.

This is what they do. Partial admission, partial confession. Remorse, I don't know what I was thinking, I didn't mean it, I didn't think , I'll never do it again .... bullshit, bullshit, bullshit.

Look at the facts of what you know so far. He's been online, in chat rooms, talking about 'sex' with other people behind your back and has freely handed out his mobile phone number to a sexual contact. You have seen one single text from that person (there will have been plenty more and other communication by the sounds of it) and he's told you part of the story. Please tell me what are the odds of you finding this out at the precise moment to be able to nip it all in the bud, because he hasn't actually done anything? Millions to one I'm afraid.

What if you hadn't found that text and confronted him? What then? Would he have just carried on 'not answering' the people he had made contact with for extra marital sex, and given his private phone number to? Would he have just carried on going onto sex sites and making contact with others looking for sexual contacts, with no intention of following through on any of it?

You know the answer to that even though your H may stand in front of you and swear otherwise on a stack of bibles.