Don't know what to do

[Sickandworried]

Have NC for this.

I am pretty sure my DP of 10 yrs is having an affair. We have 2 DC and I'm 35wks pregnant with our third.

I know it sounds odd asking strangers what to do but I have no friends or family near and don't feel I have anyone to talk to.

I have had suspicions for a little while but put it down to pregnancy hormones (have had thoughts like this when pregnant previously)

He gets home from work later than me (we are on holiday so no work at the moment). He constantly goes out, just short trips, walking dog or shop etc.

I got suspicious as all of a sudden he was keeping his phone on him, previously it would be laying around, not on etc.

I did the stupid thing today as for once he left it at home when he went out with the kids. It was turned off so I turned it on and looked. There was one message (he usually deletes everything as he goes along so I was quite surprised to find anything) it was from an unsaved number, sent at 5.30 in the morning. The gist was ' what are your plans today?' It then asked when they could say hello, even if briefly for half an hour.

I feel sick, he is seeing someone else isn't he? How the hell do I deal with this? Do I ask him outright and admit to looking at his phone?

Shit what am I going to do?

[sonjadog]

Sorry to hear about the scare with your contractions.

I think that your husband is lying about this chatroom that he was just curious about. I think he is minimizing what he has done.

Have you called the number on his phone? If you are uncertain, then that's what I'd do.

[Jan45]

Gawd, liar, liar, pants on fire, he gave out his number for a threesome then tells you it's just fantasy, what a complete and utter scumbag.

Ring it, he knows you wont, even if you do, he has no doubt pre warned all involved.

At the very least he is having cyber sex with fuck knows who whilst you lie pregnant, it makes me sick tbh.

So who was he speaking to on the phone then if it's just fantasy, absolute bollocks, he's probably been mtg up with god knows who when taking dog for walk, out for milk etc, I don't know how much proof you want.

All he will do now is hide it even better from you.

[Jan45]

I have had suspicions for a little while but put it down to pregnancy hormones (have had thoughts like this when pregnant previously)

No offence OP but this is usually when affairs happen, your thought process was probably spot on before)....and here you are again, I reckon he's been doing it throughout.

[MoreYellowBirds]

Sickandworried I am sorry but he is almost certainly lying. My ex said similar when I confronted him with texts I had seen. He assured me that although it looked bad it was all a fantasy, he hadn't realised just sending messages was being unfaithful; he could now see my point of view and that it was effectively cheating even though he had no intention of following it through in RL. We hadn't defined our boundaries clearly, he was very sorry, he wouldn't contact her again. Of course he carried on with the affair, no doubt laughing at what a chump I was to swallow that crap, and he is still seeing her now, half a decade later.

[Jan45]

And don't think it's just the gay community that hook up and meet for sex, there are loads of sites that do it for all genders and all sexual preferences, it's actually very easy to hook up with people in your area. The going out walking the dog, getting milk etc, are excellent excuses for such activities, it's all done very discretely as most peeps are attached to poor unsuspecting souls - with no worry of being caught.

[badbaldingballerina123]

Look , if he thought he wasn't doing any harm he wouldn't have gone out of his way to hide it.

[AnyFucker]

he's admitted to the minimum he thinks he can get away with

there is more, I have no doubt

[something2say]

So sorry to hear this news. Are you alright? Have you told a friend or family member yet? X

[Sickandworried]

No, I've told no-one.

I just don't know what to think to be honest. The whole thing makes me feel humiliated and shitty.
I want to believe he hasn't actually done anything with anyone but how the hell do I know? I either believe him or not don't I? There isn't anything he can do to prove it to me.

I can see the internet stuff as being something that would appeal to him, faceless, nameless etc. I can see how he would think there was no harm in it, just a bit of of a thrill.
But it's the giving out of his mobile number and telling these people (if they even exist) where he lives. He says he was just stringing them along and had no intention of actually doing anything. But if that was the case then why give them those details??? Why not back out then?
He says he does not know their names or what they look like and they don't him either.

I know it seems clear to others but this is the man I have spent 10years of my life with and is the father of my children, I love him.
But if I was reading this from someone else I would be thinking 'mug'

I just don't know what to do.

[something2say]

What's his attitude to you and it all now?
Maybe the thing to do is to tell him suddenly that you plan to ring the number in front of him and then gauge his reaction and or then do it?
It would settle things for you as long as they don't lie and his face doesn't give it away.
But then you have to act on the decision.
I do feel for you xx

[Sickandworried]

He wanted me to call them, kept saying it, but I didn't want to as didn't know what the hell to say, in shock I suppose. By now though of course if there is anything more to it all he has had chance to pre-warn them due to my hospital stay.

I should have asked for his phone and kept it with me in the hospital but wasn't thinking about it at the time.

He says he loves me, wants to be with me, it never crossed his mind that it would affect our relationship (probably cause he didn't think I would find out). He says he stopped the internet chatting months ago as it all got boring, only so many times to say the same thing as it were.
That is what worries me, the thrill wore off so what was the next stage, oh yes! arrange a meeting etc.

[AnyFucker]

he stopped the internet chat because it "got boring"

So he escalated to meet ups. This is how it goes. Starts with a bit of porn. Then a bit of cam, a bit of interaction, some dirty messages. When that isn't enough, or gets "boring" only a physical meet up will scratch that itch

He is lying to you, OP

[tinks4]

Very sorry to hear you are going through this and at what should be a happy and exciting time for you.

While I agree with a lot of the comments that it doesn't look good and I don't think the story he has told you sounds convincing, it is so easy to give advice when it is someone else's situation. Acting on that advice even if you believe it to be correct advice when you are emotionally involved and with children is a lot harder.

When you have put your trust in someone and believed them to be a decent man you so want to believe that he hasn't betrayed you. However, he has at the very least behaved in a way that you do not deserve. Only you can decide whether you can live with any doubts you may have and put it behind you or decide that the damage is already done.

I do hope everything works out for you whatever you decide. I really do feel for you.

[Pinkballoon]

Ring the number and keep ringing until you get through and speak to whoever it is. I don't believe the chatroom stuff.

Next time he says he needs to go out to the shops, make a big deal about asking what exactly it is he needs to buy. If he insists, say you'll go instead and he can stay with the children as you need the fresh air. Tell him you want him to sit with the children in their room while you pop out, as thats what you do when he goes out, as they get upset. Then call up: "Daddy is coming up to sit with you while mummy pops out." He won't be able to use the phone in their room with them there. If he tries to walk out, walk past him and go out first leaving him with the children. Make it hard for him.

If necessary, get hold of the phone when he's asleep. But don't put up with this crap.

[Waltermittythesequel]

He's ky

[Waltermittythesequel]

Sorry!

He's lying to you. I have no doubt about that.

[Bagoffrogs]

Sickandworried, you are me 3 years ago. Exactly the same situation, exactly the same lines from DH. And I also wondered what could I do, 8 months pregnant. As time went on and the new baby appeared I allowed it to all fade into the background.
Without going into huge detail, his phone continued to be at his side, he continued to have late nights out and I continued to concentrate on the children and ignore it.
My children are now 6 and 3, and he moves out at the weekend. I can no longer ignore the huge disrespect and lack of trust and have called it.
For me it was getting the children to an age where I was more in control. You do what you have to do OP, you know in your heart what he is doing, just as I did, but if now isn't your time then wait as I did until that time arrives. Good luck to you x

[Sickandworried]

Thank you all, it is good to just be able to rant.

We have had another heart to heart, he is saying the same story. He says he can see how I feel and that he is sorry and wants us to stay together.
Like I say the internet chat I can sort of understand, although I have made it perfectly clear how I feel about it and he says he really didn't think about it too deeply. He says he wasn't thinking when he gave out his number and was just stringing them along. He cannot explain why he would do that, I have said that if he had no intention of meeting them then why didn't he say that and pull out so they could meet someone who did. He has admitted he wasn't thinking about them or me or anyone other than himself and he can see now how stupid it was and how bad it looks.

He has also agreed that there is nothing he can do to convince me, he has offered to stop deleting anything on his phone (but he could still just delete the stuff he didn't want me to see before showing me).
It seems as though I just have to believe him and try to salvage things or not, I don't think I have the strength at the moment for the 'or not' version.

[AnyFucker]

It's a crying shame that you appear to think staying with a man like this is preferable to striking out on your own.

[Sickandworried]

Maybe, but striking out on my own with 2 young children and 8 mths pregnant is not an easy thing to do. That is not to say it won't be an option in the future.

[AnyFucker]

Living with a cheat is harder, IMO.

[Sickandworried]

But that is the problem, I have no proof he is a cheat.

Maybe that is me being naive. I have confronted him, he has given me a story, I have no proof that he has done anything. He has covered his tracks and I have no way of finding out the truth.

I either believe him or I don't. Maybe he is lying, maybe he is telling the truth, I don't know and that is the issue.

[AnyFucker]

Getting sexual kicks outside of his primary relationship is cheating in my opinion. Unless you had prior agreement you could both play outside of it ?

[AnyFucker]

You would be entirely justified in considering the sexual internet chats to be cheating. Do you not ? Does it have to be sexual physical contact before you would consider it a betrayal ?

[Sickandworried]

I have said that I also consider it a form of cheating, it's not like looking at a picture or watching porn. There was a real live person involved at the other end and even if no physical contact took place he was still getting off with someone other than me.

He did not think of it that way apparently.

I have now taken his phone and have left him in limbo. Not that I plan to do anything with it but we shall see if anyone tries to contact him.