So, here I am at the age of 37, hoping that a married man is going to leave his wife for me. How did my life come to this? :-(

[ThunderHeart]

I've been married since I was 19, and have 2 primary school aged children.

Dh is a decent enough man, but he is pretty rubbish as a husband. He's hurt me very deeply several times over the years, and each time I stayed in the relationship because I have always been utterly besotted with him and could never imagine my life without him (especially once we had children).

However, once my youngest child went to school, I gradually started to detach from dh for the first time in my adult life. I started finding time spent not with him more enjoyable than the time I did spend with him. It was a totally alien feeling, but I loved it. I finally felt free. None of his selfishness or thoughtlessness could hurt me anymore, because I was finally getting to a point where it didn't matter to me.

It was around this time that I met someone else. Someone who is so so different to dh in every way. We've been 'together' now for nearly 4 years.

When it first started, I had NO intention of leaving dh whatsoever. My life was quite nice, and new man, whilst lovely, was just my way of feeling better about myself after all the years of being let down by dh.

But it didn't turn out like that. New man is everything that dh has never been, and I feel more loved by him than I ever have by dh. He adores me, he doesn't need to tell me - I just know, and I've never felt that before.

He will also ALWAYS make his children his absolute top priority in everything. Providing them with a stable family background is very important to him. At first I was glad of this, as I felt equally determined to do the same for my children. Our relationship was conducted entirely separately to family life, and that was just fine.

It's been so long now though, I'm starting to feel that everyone in this mess is living a lie, and that we are now robbing our current spouses of a fairly significant chunk of their lives

I'm possibly ready to start thinking about leaving, but I very much doubt that he will even consider it.

Cannot believe that bit by bit, this is where my life has ended up.

Daisy that is a very sexist assumption! I suspect that the OP is genuinely concerned about her DC's emotional wellbeing and stability - as are 99% of mothers. As for "finding out what their mother has done", that is daft. There is a reason nowadays that divorce is no fault. Largely it is because pointing the finger of blame is usually impossible. You could argue that their father withholding affection, being selfish and thoughtless (see first post), and a rubbish dad would be what the DC have noticed the most and, depending on their ages, would be very happy to see their mother get out of that situation.

OP, your DC will not love you any less. You will probably get main residence (sorry, not sure what it is called these days) if in fact you do most of the child care and if they are young. From your description of your DH, and from how you come across as lovely and kind, if your DC are older, I suspect they would choose to be with you if given a say. no court would cut contact for a non abusive parent! A very significant % of married people have affairs and the court will simply not take into account who had the affair.

All or nothing eh? I think that's called catastrophising.

There are grades, there us no reason to give up your job ffs or to move the children to different schools ffs or live in a tiny house piling ash on your head. Plenty of people, usually on the other end if this, keep going on pretty much the same tracks as previously. Reduced income, certainly (that's how it goes), but you jiggle this and that and do all you can to make sure the boat rocks as little as possible for the sake of the kids.

The way I see it, if the OP gives up the MM and stays in her marriage, then nobody will be happy. If she leaves her DH, and if OM leaves his DW, then all parties will be free to pursue fulfilling and life enhancing relationships. Life is a long time lived. At 37, the OP should not have to write off her chances of emotional contentment just because at 19 she thought wrongly, and as barely more than a child, that she had found "the one" when in fact he turns out to be not very caring or kind.

Please, can some posters top drawing conclusions that may never happen?
I don't want to say too much here because of disloyalty and confidentiality to other people, but there are close friends of mine - and immediate family- who knew their parents were having affairs- in some cases for 20-30 years. A couple of them did fall out with their parents over this but that vast majority didn't.
I really doubt if primary school age children have the wherewithall to make those kind of judgements unless persuaded to by adults. And some affairs are never discovered.

And the comments about marriage vows. I think something like 40% of children have parents who aren't married. When I was in my 20s, they were called illegitimate or bastards. (yes, I'm that old.) I'm not saying affairs are right they aren't- and I'm not saying the OP is doing something right. But what I am saying is that some people are very quick to take the moral high ground and talk about 'vows' when I bet a lot of them aren't even married.

Next time a woman posts that her husband is having an affair, I hope all those that agree with the OP come on and say it's fine and his is a lovely person who just wants to be happy. Somehow, I bet there won't be one post.

Lot of 'justifying' going on here.

Anybody saying that children don't mind their parents being unfaithful are living in cloud cuckoo land. Children are very good at picking up on atmospheres and can sense when their parents aren't as close as they should b were. OP is giving off unhappy vibes whether she realizes it or not.
Affairs do affect children.

OP . A suggestion:

Why don't you and your husband have an open marriage? That way you are enabling your husband to also find, connect with and have sex with another woman.
It would enrich his life.
It's only fair

empathetic Does the OP state anywhere that her DH is a rubbish dad?

I can't remember reading that.

And we only have the OP saying that her DH has been thoughtless and selfish? She won't give examples as it may 'out' her. Hmmm... :-/

Maybe if she did, I would have more empathy for her, but she certainly wouldn't be the first to go back and rewrite history to justify her affair, would she?

OP... Why, if your relationship with your husband is all but over but you parent together very amicably then why not approach him and tell him that you'd like to stop all physical relationship with him as that's no longer what you want but you and he will stay in the same house and co-parent.

Some couples do separate emotionally from each other but remain in the same house together. sweetnessandlite has made the point already.

It's true that OM has to sort himself out, whatever decision he comes to and you are not responsible for that because if he wanted to be with you, he would - and the flipside, if he doesn't, he won't - you can't take the 'blame' for both of those standpoints.

Take some time to really think about where you are going and what you want because you seem very reluctant to take yourself there, needing company and a 'partner' to do so. If you can work out what it is that you want, you can start taking steps to get there.

Next time a woman posts that her husband is having an affair, I hope all those that agree with the OP come on and say it's fine and his is a lovely person who just wants to be happy. Somehow, I bet there won't be one post.

I agree.

Also as for the DH a rubbish dad can you point me to that post because I fail to see it.

OP, PM me if you wish. I have been where you are (although I was single and childless). He and I are now married, have been together for over 20 years and so far as I know he has never cheated on me. I never go into detail on here because it's not the consensus view that sometimes, good people do bad things and that relationships which begin in an affair do work out and also because I'm not proud of the way we began, it just was what it was at the time, but if you want to chat with someone was has "been there", I'm happy to listen.

rewrite history to justify her affair, would she?

Exactly. This is said on loads of threads where DH are having affairs. Is it not the case where it is women. After all they are being deceitful by having an affair as that is the very nature of them.

The op would leave for the OM wouldn't she? But the problem is he's not keen on doing the same.

sweetness you are conflating 2 different things.

Children may or may not mind about a parent having an affair. some will, some won't and many will never ever know.

Secondly, yes, children don't like unhappy parents and unhappy homes.

But there is a lot of conflicting research about whether children are happier in homes where there is unhappiness or with parents who divorce. Much of the latest research has shown children prefer to be with parents who don't get on, rather than live with one of them ( if they divorce.)

I am sure there will be people who come along here and contradict this with their own views and experiences, but research looks at thousands of responses, not just a handful on a forum.

OP. Out of curiosity, does your om ever buy you gifts. Jewellery for instance?

signyourname... YY to good people doing bad things. Sometimes people get married for the wrong reasons, are not suited and then find themselves trapped by finance and circumstances. I'm glad that you're happy.

OP is sleepwalking through this affair; I bet that married man is not. He knows exactly what he is going to do and what he is happy to lose. I wish that OP could develop that same cognisance rather than be asking the question "how did I find myself here?" if and when it all goes wrong.

Empathetic - thank you for being one of the few people who really seem to understand where I'm coming from.

Thank you also to everyone for posting. It's all valuable and I'm glad I started the thread.

I wish I could go into some more detail about dh. I really think that understanding the course of events over the last 20 years would go some way to helping lots of posters understand how affairs like this happen, and how good people can do a bad thing with the best of intentions.

However, it's not as simple as 'he once shagged another woman'. He's done some weird stuff which anybody that knows me would identify with straight away!

I put up with it because I was besotted with him. I was DETERMINED that we have a perfect, happy family. And because he had lots of good points too. It's only with maturity that I now realise I was just too scared to leave him and be on my own.

Now I finally am not scared of that anymore, I have these mountains of trappings that make leaving pretty much out of the question right now.

OM has a fairly equal, but different, pile of his own issues to deal with, and what conclusions / decisions he will eventually come to, I have no idea. I do know that I feel more loved by him than I ever have in 20 years with dh. I remember I always used to ask dh if he loved me. I needed to hear it. OM doesn't need to say a word. I just know.

And no, in the entire time I've known the man, I don't think he had ever bought me a gift

Hang on, the majority are saying leave aren't they?

OP... Would you/your husband consider co-parenting under an arrangement where you both live in the house but you're both free agents?

If you have so many obstacles preventing you from leaving, could that be a consideration?

Regarding the gifts - do you mean your husband has never bought you one or the other man has never bought you one?

What do YOU want to happen and which bits of that are under your control?

... and I really don't think you need to post details about what your husband has done or hasn't done because really, it's irrelevant. You have your reasons/permissions/justification for the affair and you have the right to decide to act if you want to.

My concern is that you want what you cannot have. MM is not in that position because he could have you if he wanted you, you'd leave your husband under that circumstance, wouldn't you? It's sad that you don't have control of what would make you happy. :(

I don't think there's much point in going into it either.

I do think people should strive to be happy. And if that means leaving and starting the new relationship then go for it.

You can make decisions from now on.

Would I leave if MM asked me to? Depending on the circumstances, I think I would, yes. But I have only recently started to feel that way. And MM has no idea whatsoever that I think that. In fact, I think I have told him the complete opposite! As far as he knows, I have a happy, pleasant home life (it's not massively far from the truth - I just don't tell him anything about how my relationship with dh has broken down).

I do feel powerless at the moment. I can't see any future that doesn't cause pain for someone.

Yes, I can picture myself and dh coming to a reasonable co-parenting solution. It's more or less what we do anyway.

On the gift thing - I meant the OM. It's something that sweetness asked about. No idea why(!)

Put no one else other than your children first. Leave your husband and leave your affair alone

ThunderHeart... Then that could be your way out of this.

If you and your husband could agree that you will live in the same house but separately and both co-parent as you're doing then that will set you free. Your children would clearly benefit from that.

Regarding your relationship with OM then, that's between the two of you. You only have responsibility for your part in it. He is responsible for his wife as you are for your husband. There's no point in people banging on to you about the 'wrongness' of it anymore as you're in this now and have been for four years. It's hardly a transitory thing.

You need to come to terms though with the fact that OM is not going to upset his status quo. You might only have just thought about this as an option but he might NEVER have thought of this as an option and thought you wanted the same - or cynically just kept quiet hoping that it would never be brought up. He isn't going to leave his wife. The posters telling you this upthread, that these decisions are made quickly are, I think, correct and deep down I think you know that.

Free yourself to make the decisions you need to make. It may be that once you've sorted out your home arrangements, that pressure ceases to make you so dependent on OM and what he might want to do. If that then makes you treat the affair in the same manner that he is, that is a good result for you.

I know I've been very blunt on this thread, ThunderHeart. I have a friend who was in an affair (1-2 years) and was - and is - in a real mess because of it. If she'd worked out what she wanted from it and put those decisions (brakes and controls) in place, she would be happier now.

Affairs are never a good idea, there's too much scope for a pain-fest that can be far-reaching but they happen and they are happening more frequently than anybody really knows.

Please do whatever you need to do to protect YOU because ultimately, if you can do that, your husband and children will also be protected.

You may be right about my way out. Seems so unconventional though. Not sure how on earth we would go about telling people and formalising the arrangement

Also, I guess can only ever be temporary.

As for OM leaving. It's taken me 4 years to slowly come round to that idea. Not sure why he apparently should have made that decision in the first few months?

All I can say, is he seems to be every bit as torn apart by the situation as I am.