So, here I am at the age of 37, hoping that a married man is going to leave his wife for me. How did my life come to this? :-(

[ThunderHeart]

I've been married since I was 19, and have 2 primary school aged children.

Dh is a decent enough man, but he is pretty rubbish as a husband. He's hurt me very deeply several times over the years, and each time I stayed in the relationship because I have always been utterly besotted with him and could never imagine my life without him (especially once we had children).

However, once my youngest child went to school, I gradually started to detach from dh for the first time in my adult life. I started finding time spent not with him more enjoyable than the time I did spend with him. It was a totally alien feeling, but I loved it. I finally felt free. None of his selfishness or thoughtlessness could hurt me anymore, because I was finally getting to a point where it didn't matter to me.

It was around this time that I met someone else. Someone who is so so different to dh in every way. We've been 'together' now for nearly 4 years.

When it first started, I had NO intention of leaving dh whatsoever. My life was quite nice, and new man, whilst lovely, was just my way of feeling better about myself after all the years of being let down by dh.

But it didn't turn out like that. New man is everything that dh has never been, and I feel more loved by him than I ever have by dh. He adores me, he doesn't need to tell me - I just know, and I've never felt that before.

He will also ALWAYS make his children his absolute top priority in everything. Providing them with a stable family background is very important to him. At first I was glad of this, as I felt equally determined to do the same for my children. Our relationship was conducted entirely separately to family life, and that was just fine.

It's been so long now though, I'm starting to feel that everyone in this mess is living a lie, and that we are now robbing our current spouses of a fairly significant chunk of their lives

I'm possibly ready to start thinking about leaving, but I very much doubt that he will even consider it.

Cannot believe that bit by bit, this is where my life has ended up.

I don't think it's realistic to expect OP to put a strangers happiness above her own, i.e the wife. OPs concerns are her own family, The MM is the one who needs to deal with his family, he's not some victim that's been lured into this by a siren. OP isn't responsible for everyone.

That is very true, WildBill.

I think she should look out for her own and her family's happiness by not risking blowing it all to smithereens. My friend did this, has lost her marriage and is kicking herself now yet still enamoured of her married man...

I wonder if the OM saw a wounded bird a mile off and snuck in. Predatory men do this. Maybe he's convinced you about the star-crossed thing - he will have convinced himself, at least - and you have run with the story and believe it for him.

See how I try to humanise you, OP (allbeit making you the victim).

I should just add that imo the vast majority of men think, believe, with all their hearts, they are good guys. Look how they contort the story when they're caught.

OP - if you decide to continue with your affair with MM, each meeting, text, phone call carries a risk of being caught out. Someone seeing you, seeing a message, overhearing a call. someone telling your DH or MM's DW. at that point, you lose control of the situation, because at that point you are reliant on trying to guess how other people will behave.

Right now, you do have the ability to control and plan an exit from your marriage. You might find it difficult to do today but you could start working towards ending your marriage, be it finding a job, doing more training to help you be able to look after your DCs alone, saving for a deposit for a rental property of your own while your family house was sold etc.

It reads like you just are again, passively waiting for everything to be perfect to leave, however a) things might never be perfect and you might still be waiting for the 'right moment' in 15 years time, and b) you might lose control of the timings very quickly if found out. (plus if your DH is as unhappy as you are, there's always the risk that he finds his 'true love' too)

OP. Your marriage sounds sad. Just being in a relationship because you have a joint enterprise (bringing up the DC), with no emotional connection or effort from your DH, must be a very lonely place. I can understand how/why/what you are doing - finding warmth in life is so very natural an instinct. Perhaps you need to be braver and talk to the OM about this and see if he feels the same. Yes, there would be hurt and tears if you both leave your spouses but if you deal with it calmly and carefully then you will find that DC are resilient. An affair does not happen in isolation. You and OM need to talk.

This thread is awful.

I listened to a prison chaplain being interviewed on the radio just now. Her compassion and humanity made a stark backdrop to some of the viciousness displayed here - to a stranger who, as far as I can tell, hasn't killed anyone. You question what she's getting out of this thread- really I worry about some of you more.

Yes we are all SO horrible - so much so, that we are stretching our compassion to wonder at the feelings of the OM's Wife and the Poster's husband.
We even worry at the effect this 'affair' could have on the future of their children.
Yeah, we are SO vicious.

Excuse us for feeling more sympathy to the innocent parties in this scenario, instead of showing compassion to two Cheaters.
Yes- strip away the slightly nicer sounding word 'affair', but it boils down to seedy, underhanded C h e a t i n g.

And saying - it's not as if they've killed anyone is one of the most classic lines that cheats use to justify their actions.

Some of us are even so vicious as to have real concern for the OP's future should the affair come to light and MM dropping her like the proverbial hot potato, whilst her family tries to pick up the pieces of their shattered lives without her.

She has control at the moment, could turn this around. I would be so happy for her if she did, spiteful cow that I am.

Findo... You're right though, OP hasn't killed anybody, nor coshed an elderly lady over the head, nor dealt drugs to school children. So really, it's all good.

I happen to be a full-on, signed-up Christian. I realise that doesn't count for much in the morality stakes (if the general behaviour of the church is anything to go by) but I am aware of the teaching the chaplain you mention no doubt espouses, Findo. Christians, especially public Christians, appear to be compelled to peddle the 'gentle Jesus meek and mild' and it's not so hard to do that in public ie an adorable, all ends tied off, system. It's a great thing to live by, aim for, I suppose but life has a tendency to get astonishingly messy sometimes. And when someone is in a mess, making hideous choices, apparently blindly, then a good telling off isn't so unchristian. I'm sure that if said chaplain's sister/daughter/wife/mother were making similar mistakes as OP, he'd be pretty cross too, in private, and would no doubt rant a bit himself.

What I'm trying to say is get real. It is not surprising that many on here are full of vitriol at OP's apparently brazen, selfish and unthinking attitude at times on this thread. If you want to get Christian about it, there appears to be no evidence of repentance, conscience or humility on OP's part. It's not for us to forgive her, it is not us she is hurting, but I see much compassion and grappling to understand on this thread, which is why it has run for so long. That and raw hurt from posters who have been on the end of this type of betrayal; as well as those who can imagine the devastation of it.

So now I'm telling you off for being so sanctimonious, Findo. Have some compassion for those who have been desperately hurt and can't contain the vitriol. A good social slapping is not such a bad thing and is sometimes appropriate, gives perspective, knocks sense into.

See that sexism there [furiously blushes]

There is a load of rubbish being spouted here by some people- as if primary age children understand marriage vows and that their mummy is staying with their dad for the size of his wallet. Get real please.

Most of you are looking at this from one and only one side- your own. Try to step outside of your own hurt and be a bit more understanding.

Not everyone want to be nasty and spill the beans about an affair. I've had friends who have had affairs and would never dream of telling anyone, even though I have not agreed with what they did. It's their business.

I have also known friends whose parents had affairs - two families for decades- and you know what? They aren't damaged, or repeating the behaviour. Some of you post as if these things are 'truths' whereas in fact they are your experiences and your opinions.

I have tried to be considerate to the OP by pointing out that ending this situation is in my opinion, the best thing for her. I can be sorry for the other people and also think the OP is being used to some extent and could end up left in a marriage that she is unhappy with down the line. If financial/practical/children reasons are really a reason to stay, then that may be the right thing to do - but that is not a reason to carry on seeing the OM, even IF you just consider your own wellbeing OP.

Really I think staying in an unhappy marriage is one thing, but if the only way you can sustain that is seeing another man for an extended period, then leaving your husband, it isn't workable. Will you still see OM if he is willing - and he probably wouldn't be. Or would you want to be single and meet someone? How would OM fit into that?

Just trying to point out that those of us saying get out of this are not just attacking - yes, it is crucial to consider others AND it is in the OP's best interests. I agree she probably has low self esteem.

OP, why don't you go to counselling alone. Don't tell your DH. You can talk through why this has all gone on, and whether your reasons for staying are valid.

Sorry to double post, but just wanted to say OP that I think framing this as what you want, versus what damages others, has made people focus quite rightly on the immense wrong you're doing and the damage to others. That is all true but putting the focus back on what you want may be the key to helping others if you do it properly - get counselling and consider if you even want the disaster this will turn out to be. You're not willing to just stop, so assessing what you think you want/really would be best for you AND others, may be the key.

Please do reflect on the posts pointing out the damage you are doing also.

As for OMs family. That's his decision. I've never met his wife. (I realise I am playing my part here, but I can only have the required level of insight into my own family).

Well now that you have had ample revelations from many posters here about how it feels to be the wife in this sort of situation I don't think you can claim ignorance any more. From now on if you claim not to know how she might feel or what she will face in real, financial terms, it's a case of willful ignorance on your part.

I recommend you read FedUp's post in case you missed any details.

And it is in fact your decision that will contribute to the fate of the wife here. If you called a stop to your affair today you would be able to say that the worst you did was put her through four years of wondering what her husband was up to but never being able to quite put her finger on what was wrong. If you decide to keep up the relationship and then take the rug out from under this woman's feet when the children are grown, you will be responsible equally with her spineless and shameless husband of perpetrating larceny of financial resources and decisions about finances, and monumental cruelty against her.

YY Mathanxiety! And trying to shame women into finding compassion for this sort of disordered and selfish thinking, instead of naming the behaviour as dispicable and criminal, is likely to lead to more women getting into and stuck in abusive patterns.

So would everybody be happier if I ended both my marriage and OM, sold my family home, gave up my career and any hope of independence, uprooted my children (after they have sadly lost 2 close family members in the past year), took them out of the school they love, and went to live somewhere miles away from home?

Of course I know what's really 'right'. Of course I would gain much peace of mind from doing the 'right' thing. Of course, before this ever happened to me, I would have vilified somebody doing this just as much as many of you have here (I think I even remember using the word 'criminal' about a similar situation when I heard of an acquaintance's long term affair many years ago).

Back in the real world, who would really opt to put themselves and their children through all that, when the alternative (in practical terms) is that everybody keeps their homes / careers / security and goes about daily life quite happily?

I'm posting because, I'm not happy about it. It torments me. And I know there is a time bomb that could go off any day.

You do sound as if you feel powerless. But you have made choices to get here.

What are you going to do next?

Op, why the assumption you would keep the children? Speaking as an adult who came from a similar family as the one you've created, I can tell you what you are doing will cause far reaching damage to your children which will directly impact their own adult relationships for many, many years - see it every day especially in the siblings involved- and the affair was over 40 years ago.

The "right" thing to do us to end your affair and end your marriage. Don't make out you're not doing so for the sake of the children. You're not doing do because you are an incredibly selfish person and want your cake and to eat it. It's not at all about your children or anyone else but yourself and you are deluded if you think otherwise.

But it's not a happy life they are leading, it's a lie and once it comes out, and it will you will shatter any trust they could ever have in another person because you have betrayed them so deeply. The only way to have any hope of minimising the long term damage to them is to finish both relationships but you won't because you personally have too much to lose.

You just need to stop seeing him. Just stop. It is within your power.

Look at your relationship with your husband. Decide if you want yo stay.

That's what you should do.

Horrible situation.

The DC do not have to be uprooted from their school/s if both NRP and RP stay close to their existing one. If it is in their interests to stay put, then it is better that whichever parent wishes (or can afford) to stay where they are rooted has weekday residency.

OP: I thought you sounded rather petulant in your mat recent post.

Yes, this is what affairs cost. This is why they are generally condemned. They are messy, expensive and hurtful. It's devastating to the innocent parties caught up, and worse than the active parties (ie those who chose the affair ever imagined).

As it is clear that yo will not stop your affair, then yes, all those things you posted about will probably happen. (Though you cannot count on being able to move DC away from where they are settled - Courts put their interests first).

So yes, this is a good time to face up to that as your future.

It's not, btw what people here are "expecting" you to do. It's the consequences of the choices have made - and crucially are continuing to make - and you can't wish them into non-existence just because you don't want to face up to what the next chapter of your life is bringing.

I agree with posters who say it is downright cruel to plan on the basis of leaving another person's retirement plans in tatters when she has little/no time to rebuild in another way.

Why should the OP give up all chance of a loving happy relationship to stay in a bad one? Lots of posters are happy for her to chuck in her marriage, which is the bit that might be an upheaval for her DC, so why not also encourage her to find a warm future with the man she wants to grow old with? She is right that the OM's marriage is NOT her concern. He may have a deeply unhappy relationship. His DW may be glad to see the back of him. It is for HIM to decide whether or not he leaves his DW and that is not the OP's concern. IMO it is unlikely to be a happy marraige as he would not otherwise be having a long term affair. Also, most posters would advise a woman whose DH is having an affair to LTB so presumably they would approve of him leaving his marriage.

OP, I think you should either continue your affair, in order to provide stability to the DC (as without the affair I suspect you would be so miserably lonely that your marriage could not last), or leave and encourage your OM to do the same in order that you can both find happiness, and giving your spouses a chance to find new partners before they are old. In either case, you are clearly prepared to put the wellbeing of your DC first and there seems to be enough cash around to provide for all concerned. You only live once and giving up all chance of warmth in your life in order to avoid disruption for DC is too pointless and costly a sacrifice. Your DC will soon come to see how a really warm close relationship can be - search threads here to find DC who resent the fact that their mothers stayed in a marriage "for the sake of the children". It could be best for all parties after the first few months which will be tough.

Good luck.

Maybe after the children find out what their mother has done, they may want to stay with their father. Given you have more concerns for your own happiness, it's not a bad idea that he keeps them in the family home. Or you could rent local and share custody.

You won't lost your career, little dramatic don't you think.

What I suspect is, that he is the main earner by far and you don't want to compromise on your lifestyle.