So, here I am at the age of 37, hoping that a married man is going to leave his wife for me. How did my life come to this? :-(

[ThunderHeart]

I've been married since I was 19, and have 2 primary school aged children.

Dh is a decent enough man, but he is pretty rubbish as a husband. He's hurt me very deeply several times over the years, and each time I stayed in the relationship because I have always been utterly besotted with him and could never imagine my life without him (especially once we had children).

However, once my youngest child went to school, I gradually started to detach from dh for the first time in my adult life. I started finding time spent not with him more enjoyable than the time I did spend with him. It was a totally alien feeling, but I loved it. I finally felt free. None of his selfishness or thoughtlessness could hurt me anymore, because I was finally getting to a point where it didn't matter to me.

It was around this time that I met someone else. Someone who is so so different to dh in every way. We've been 'together' now for nearly 4 years.

When it first started, I had NO intention of leaving dh whatsoever. My life was quite nice, and new man, whilst lovely, was just my way of feeling better about myself after all the years of being let down by dh.

But it didn't turn out like that. New man is everything that dh has never been, and I feel more loved by him than I ever have by dh. He adores me, he doesn't need to tell me - I just know, and I've never felt that before.

He will also ALWAYS make his children his absolute top priority in everything. Providing them with a stable family background is very important to him. At first I was glad of this, as I felt equally determined to do the same for my children. Our relationship was conducted entirely separately to family life, and that was just fine.

It's been so long now though, I'm starting to feel that everyone in this mess is living a lie, and that we are now robbing our current spouses of a fairly significant chunk of their lives

I'm possibly ready to start thinking about leaving, but I very much doubt that he will even consider it.

Cannot believe that bit by bit, this is where my life has ended up.

A raging narcissist one apparently, overdosing herself on cake and delighting in us all saying "oh OP please do the right thing!"

How did you develop strong, long-lasting feelings? Did you have those when you first started flirting with him? Did you have those when you first slept with him? Or did you develop those during the course of the affair you chose to have because you felt horny and wanted some attention? There have been various moments when you could have said "If I feel like this maybe I shouldn't be with my husband". And several moments when you could have said "If I do that it will hurt my husband". Those moments came well before you developed any Romeo-and-Juliet-like deep passion.

Too late to change that, but don't make it sound like the romantic hand of Fate forced you into this position.

Funnily enough, right now my husband's True Love for his mistress is the only thing I have any sympathy for. What is hurting me most is the fact that he went behind my back, telling a complete stranger stories about the most private things possible in my life, things I'd only shared with him, and that she was talking back about me as if she knew me. He completely abused my trust.

If he'd been intimate enough with her to fall in love but hadn't actually had sex, obviously that would count as an affair too. What I would have hoped was that if he fancied her, or started to get close to her, he'd then have realised that what he was doing was stupid, and he would have stopped seeing her, at least until he'd got shot of me in a slightly more respectful manner.

You don't have that option as you've already made your choices, but is that a reason to say "I've mucked things up now, might as well just keep on going"? Making the decision to keep the affair going as long as possible because it is convenient for you is another knife stuck in your husband's back.

OP. You are in this situation because you are passive, you allow a 'situation' to 'happen' to you because, ultimately, you feel powerless.

Powerless to alter your marriage.
Powerless to transform OM to DH.

You hope he will leave? What do you have to offer? A life with a powerless, passive woman grabbing at the crumbs from another woman's marriage?

This must be the least romantic affair I can imagine, it has so little going for it.

I pity you.

surely that is the worst part, your spouse having strong long lasting feelings for someone else

• having to be tested for STIs?
• losing all financial security that had been carefully built up over a good number of years?
• losing my beautiful home and having to move to a cheaper area?

-having to take my children out of private school?

• having to work full-time so that I am now longer there for my children?
• having to share the care of my children with a woman who, frankly, couldn't give a fuck about them?
• not knowing where your children are or what they are doing for at least part of the time?
• not recognising the beautiful, kind, decent man that you married?
• feeling scared to go out 'cos of what people might say?
• the realisation that you were the last to know?
• losing friends who take sides?
• the humilliation?
• having to be gracious towards friends who now have no choice but to sometimes have their path cross with the OW?
• having a deep, deep emotional scar that itches like crazy when you least expect it leaving you debilitated, scared and just permanently out of sorts?
• having no one to talk to about the good stuff the children do?
• having no one to talk to about your fears for your children?

Betrayal is a dreadful, dreadful thing but it's actually relatively easy to get over. You very, very quickly get your head round the idea that you wouldn't want to be with someone who could treat you like that and that you are worth so, so much more. The aftermath never stops. You learn to live with it but personally, I doubt I will ever get over it totally.

OP, you might not be able to change your feelings. But you need to think about other feelings, like the love you have for your children. Why are you staying in your marriage which is obviously so empty? Why? To say it is for the children makes no sense when you are prolonging a situation with this OM that could cause a split in the future more painful for them than you leaving before now would have been. Please, tell us why you don't leave your husband? I don't think the OM will leave his wife, or if he does, not for you. That is my guess after 4 years. But really - if you have any respect, even for yourself, why are you staying with a man you can manage to live with whilst having these feelings for someone else for so long? You won't find happiness with any man till you leave and start again. Leave the OM too, if he leaves to be with you then you have your answer. If not, perhaps he will manage to rebuild his marriage, though personally I suspect he has other women or is not able to rebuild his marriage. At least you will be out of it. If he has not left for you by now, he is not going to.

I don't understand why you talk about wanting to grow old with him, when you are both making no steps to end your marriages, even in 4 years! Is there some vague future point at which you both will have 'done your time' and will be together? NO, that is a dream world. NEVER going to happen, and all you are achieving whether it does or not is more appalling hurt to other people. Pull yourself the fuck together NOW, for their sake and yours.

You say you don't want to waste what is left of your youth - but that is what you are doing. If you leave now you might meet someone who can give you a good future and neither your DH or the OM will.

You really need to think about what the hell you've been doing for 4 years too. It is staggering that you have been able to go on like this and just don't seem to have any awareness of the effect on others. I would say stop being selfish like the others have, but actually if you have your own self interest at heart you'll get the hell out of all of this.

the fact that myself and OM 'just clicked', in a way that doesn't happen very often

Op you say in your Op you got together with your husband when you were 19. 'Clicking' with someone is not that special or rare at all. You'll meet plenty of people in life you click with. You settled down very young so you missed out on a lot.

Sitting around on benches and having hurried drinks here and there is no great love story. Really Op, come on.

OP
I'm not going to throw any more stones at you. what you have done is not good but it's not unusual.

I feel very sorry for you. You married at 19 which is very young, you have presumably never lived on your own- went straight from your parents into a marriage, maybe the first 'real' boyfriend you'd had?

You clearly lack self esteem and must feel you cannot cope on your own without a man around.

Al this man is doing is sapping the little bit of self worth you have. If he really did adore you then he'd free himself so that you could start to imagine a life together. What he is using you for is to prop up his marriage - just as you are.

I don't agree with some posters who say the children always know- sometimes indirectly. Some people, often men, are very good at compartmentalising their lives so you- the OW- will be in 1 compartment, and the family in another. I doubt he is mooning over you and letting it affect his every move, every day, or making him disengage with his family. He may in fact be very happy at home, but you are the 'extra' in his life.

You need to be honest with yourself. If- god forbid- he was run over by a bus tomorrow, would you stay with your DH and try to make things work? Forgetting the OM because he isn't offering you anything at all, are you going to be happier with your DH or without him? That is the choice you need to make.

How do you feel about it?

Thank you Pinkfrocks. That is a very useful post.

Yes, dh was my first boyfriend, and yes I went straight from my parents to a marriage. At the time, I was in love and as is probably very obvious, I've always been very led by my heart and not by my head.

If OM went under a bus, would I stay with dh?

Good question.

For now, yes I would. Right now, taking everything into consideration, my life and my children's lives would be worse off if we were to separate.

However, our emotional relationship together is absolute rubbish and I can't honestly see a long term future for us anymore. Once our lives get to a point that we both feel we can separate more successfully (for want of a better word), I reckon we will split.

I think this regardless of OM.

Ok. So if you have decided to stay together for the sake of your children, what are those reasons? Are they financial?
Do you work as a team now, with your children? What do they pick on is going on between their mum and dad? Do you argue, fight, are cold towards each other...?

And if you do decide that you are going to stay for a few years yet, are you convinced ( and be 100% honest here) that you have given your marriage 100% effort to make it better or you can try to do that now?

Is your DH disengaged emotionally? Does he feel like you- is he staying for the children?

Have you told him how unhappy you are?
Have you told him what he needs to do to make it better?
Has he had a chance to change?
Or have you for 4 years just stopped trying?

I don't agree with some posters who say the children always know- sometimes indirectly. Some people, often men, are very good at compartmentalising their lives so you- the OW- will be in 1 compartment, and the family in another. I doubt he is mooning over you and letting it affect his every move, every day, or making him disengage with his family. He may in fact be very happy at home, but you are the 'extra' in his life

so that's OK, then?!

have you ever lived with a man ever having a long term affair?

Or a woman for that matter and don't stay together for the 'sake if the children' that often builds resentment too.

My Dp thought he was doing the right thing staying for the sake of the children when his ex wife had affairs.

The hurt never went away just built into resentment and ended in an extremely acrimonious divorce that took years to settle.

My reasons for staying right now are partly financial, partly practical, and geographical.

Also, myself and dh do okay as a team. We run the house and parent the children quite successfully (albeit rather separately).

We don't argue or fight at all. There's very little animosity between us. We just don't really get on anymore.

The kids want for nothing, and have a comfortable home life. The one thing they are not getting, is visibility of a tight-knit successful marriage which I am very sad about, but I can't magic that up for them, and at the moment that is preferable to turning their whole lives upside down.

Dh has ALWAYS been disengaged emotionally. The only difference is that now I am as well.

Yes, I do feel that I have given everything to my marriage. I don't think I would have got involved with OM if I didn't feel that. For years and years and years, I have tried everything to get my marriage to work. I guess turning to OM was me finally giving up on it (without actually having the means to support everybody through the process of me leaving it).

That's what's selfish I suppose. But it is what I feel is best for everybody at the moment - not just me.

As for OMs family. That's his decision. I've never met his wife. (I realise I am playing my part here, but I can only have the required level of insight into my own family).

Poor bloke, wonder if he has any idea his wife is sleeping around but won't leave him as she likes the money.

As for the idea it's what's best for everyone, I doubt your husband and children will think that.

So how long are you planing to keep it going for then? 10 years, 15 years?

How do you know it's better for everyone. You are denying your DH a choice as he doesn't have all the 'facts'

As I have said my DP was in you DHs situation and trust me it didn't end well.

It will get found out. How do you think your DC and DH aswell as OM family will feel then!?

"My reasons for staying right now are partly financial, partly practical, and geographical.

Also, myself and dh do okay as a team. We run the house and parent the children quite successfully (albeit rather separately).

We don't argue or fight at all. There's very little animosity between us. We just don't really get on anymore".

All are no justification for staying, your children will adult will not thank you for staying and will despise you in particular going forward for knowing that their whole childhoods were all based on lies. They will not like their dad either but particular scorn will be reserved for you. You're just putting yourself before them again for your own selfish reasons as well as teaching them a crap role model about relationships. Would you want them to also think that a loveless marriage like yours is the norm for them to emulate as adults?.

"The kids want for nothing, and have a comfortable home life. The one thing they are not getting, is visibility of a tight-knit successful marriage which I am very sad about, but I can't magic that up for them, and at the moment that is preferable to turning their whole lives upside down".

A home life that is one filled with material things does not make up for the facts that one parent is unhappy, their marriage is falling apart at the seams and your solution to that is to have an affair. Talk about running away from your problems, you're still running away from reality now.

Feel the bloody fear and do it anyway in terms of ending your marriage. You got married way too young and you've outgrown him. Its not your fault or his but you cannot stay for the children alone; they will call you daft for doing so and will wonder of you also why you put him before them. Face facts. Enough of the dishonesty and lies. You simply cannot burden a child with a choice that you yourself made, staying for them never works out at all well going forward.

Be careful what you wish for.

FedUp... Your post at 23:21 yesterday was so powerful. The nuts and bolts of what betrayal actually means.

==

I don't know if it's just that many OW write in the same sappy, passive way or whether this is a previous poster. She bears much resemblance to one several weeks ago who seemed very similar to one several weeks before that.

Either way, I think that what she's getting out of this thread is some small measure of delight at knowing how the wife feels, knowing the impact that SHE is having on their marriage and gleaning whatever she can about the overall damage that is being wrought. Even FedUp's list is a validation of what she 'means' in this man's life.

I strongly think that this is what she's doing and even though posters are posting their feelings and experiences to make her see that she's causing untold damage, they're unwittingly contributing to feeding the OP exactly what she's after and exactly what she posted this thread for.

OP, you're a piece of work but I know YOU.

Lying.. I think you're right. OP is probably getting off on all the stories.
Time to put this topic to rest.

A bit harsh, but what can I say?

I haven't just opened up about the state of my marriage for any of those reasons.

Rather than keep on telling the OP how vile she is, it might be more constructive to try to help her move forward.
Attacking people usually makes them defensive, not open to ideas about how to change this for the better.

OP- I hear what you say about this being the best for the children. You can stay in a marriage for financial reasons- millions do. But that doesn't mean you have to see another man outside the marriage. You came here saying you were thinking of ending it. That's what you need to do because there is no future in this for you. If you want to carry on seeing him then free yourself, be single and see how he reacts.

PigsDOfly has it spot on

'The other man seems like everything your DH isn't because you don't see him during the daily grind and nitty gritty of life. It's all fantasy and he's on his best behaviour when he's with you.

He's no great shakes as a husband and father; he's being unfaithfully to his wife and putting his children's happiness at risk. He's really not the catch you seems to image.'

I have been as bit harsh. But I have never been a Cheat, so maybe aren't able to empathize too much with your situation.. OP it would probably be better for you if more Cheats (like yourself) were to come and offer you advice, as they will have been in the same boat as you and the replies will be more helpful.
I can only speak from a betrayed 'spouse + children's' point of view.

I hope you find the answers you want.

Children often inadvertently end up in similar marriages to their parents. My parents had a shit marriage , I had a shit marriage , and so have all my siblings. Like many people I thought it was best for the children to not disrupt them. I was wrong , as I'm now watching my grown up children being unhappy in their shit relationships.

Someone else can probably explain this better , but it's a pattern , and someone needs to break it. Your currently demonstrating to your dcs what it is to be married. Don't be surprised when they marry someone who is emotionally distant and unavailable. Don't be surprised if the way they cope with that is by cheating. The guilt I feel about the example I set is , well , I can't put it in words. I regularly tell them they deserve better and to be happy , but what does this mean to them? They've no idea how to achieve a happy marriage because they've never seen one. Their relationship is normal in their eyes.

Oh stop it, pinkfrocks. OP knows well what needs to be done, she doesn't want to do it. If you think you have the answer then do her a favour and tell her.

I'm seeing posters left, right and centre open up about their pain and there have been a few things the OP said that made me start because manoeuvring for an insight into somebody's betrayed marriage can be for several reasons.

OP... Yes, it is harsh. I do know you, I've been there - albeit not in exactly the same situation. You posted here for what, exactly? You don't want to end this and you haven't really opened up about your marriage to any degree so presumably, you just want to talk about your affair. That's fine but be upfront so that those posters who have really laid themselves bare are doing so with their eyes open with your motives uncovered, ok?

I wish you well, you're heading for a shitstorm that will cover everybody you apparently care for, better take a brolly...

If what you say is true, OP, that you can co-parent successfully then move towards that. End your marriage amicably and co-parent with your husband. If your affair becomes known, this will not be possible and all that you've wrought will be misery for your children.

I'll tell you though that I would NOT want to be this married man's OW. It's the equivalent of a rebound relationship and is destined for upset. If you really think that he is 'the one' then let him find his 'interim OW' to work out his misery and angst on, and that of his family who will hate her. Better her than you...

It's not going to happen, is it? I do feel for you, you're in a horrible and unworkable situation with your married man and it's compounded because you would leave your husband to be with him; he won't do that for you and you know it. That's why you're posting, I think, you're hurt at the realisation of that and there's nobody to talk to about it.

All the bluff and bluster about ownership of MM's house is just that, sad bluff and bluster because you know it's not going to ever be a reality.

I'm sorry for you. :(

Bad, that's a good point.

The OP is teaching her children that marriage vows mean nothing and that you should stay with a man and deceive him due to the size of his wallet.

Doubt she cares though, clearly doesn't think of anybody bar herself.