So, here I am at the age of 37, hoping that a married man is going to leave his wife for me. How did my life come to this? :-(

[ThunderHeart]

I've been married since I was 19, and have 2 primary school aged children.

Dh is a decent enough man, but he is pretty rubbish as a husband. He's hurt me very deeply several times over the years, and each time I stayed in the relationship because I have always been utterly besotted with him and could never imagine my life without him (especially once we had children).

However, once my youngest child went to school, I gradually started to detach from dh for the first time in my adult life. I started finding time spent not with him more enjoyable than the time I did spend with him. It was a totally alien feeling, but I loved it. I finally felt free. None of his selfishness or thoughtlessness could hurt me anymore, because I was finally getting to a point where it didn't matter to me.

It was around this time that I met someone else. Someone who is so so different to dh in every way. We've been 'together' now for nearly 4 years.

When it first started, I had NO intention of leaving dh whatsoever. My life was quite nice, and new man, whilst lovely, was just my way of feeling better about myself after all the years of being let down by dh.

But it didn't turn out like that. New man is everything that dh has never been, and I feel more loved by him than I ever have by dh. He adores me, he doesn't need to tell me - I just know, and I've never felt that before.

He will also ALWAYS make his children his absolute top priority in everything. Providing them with a stable family background is very important to him. At first I was glad of this, as I felt equally determined to do the same for my children. Our relationship was conducted entirely separately to family life, and that was just fine.

It's been so long now though, I'm starting to feel that everyone in this mess is living a lie, and that we are now robbing our current spouses of a fairly significant chunk of their lives

I'm possibly ready to start thinking about leaving, but I very much doubt that he will even consider it.

Cannot believe that bit by bit, this is where my life has ended up.

Mine just avoided me as much as possible when the children were in bed. Watching TV in another room etc.

So he didn't have to face my questions about why he was distant, snappy and acting v strangely.

When I did ask him outright if there was some one else he turned it around and got angry that I would even think that. Ha!

The OP is doing the internet equivalent. Just totally avoiding answering any questions.

And like a few others have said I still don't really understand why she has posted as she obviously has no intention of actually doing anything to sort out her life. It appears, as she is in no rush to leave or for her MM to leave his wife, she is happy (or passive) enough to carry on with the status quo.

The only way this is going to be resolved is to raise the subject with your MM. It may not be resolved to your satisfaction even then. You can't make him DO anything sadly.

In fact the only way to force a resolution if you aren't strong enough to stay away is to tell your H and his wife. Because I am guessing that will make things happen. You may not like them though.

sorry- but I really don't see where the DCs come into this at the moment.
I have known loads of friends who knew as teens and older that their parents had affairs. It didn't change things at all for them. I accept that other posters may feel differently but let's acknowledge there are different experiences within families.
If the children don't know- which we assume they don't here- then all the comments about 'the poor DCs' are just meaningless.

My DPs children and my BILs teenagers were hurt incredibly when their mothers had their respective affairs. The fallout for them was hurtendous and involved years if counselling.

It is not that the children are affected at the moment but they will be when it gets found out (and it will eventually).

You may aswell say that the DH and DW aren't affected because they don't know that their spouses are having an affair.

I'm wondering if OP was hoping that there would be posters who would say "it's OK to do whatever you like to snatch a bit of happiness"

It's pretty clear she is going to go for her Option C, regardless of what posters here say.

The one thing I'd suggest she thinks about though, is whether the things that 'trap' her in the marriage would be obstacles to its ending if/when the affair is discovered. For a rapid severing at a time of devastation is a genuine possibility here. And is that going to be better or worse than ending the marriage now, and dealing wih the 'trap' issues calmly?

"You may aswell say that the DH and DW aren't affected because they don't know that their spouses are having an affair"

Yes.

And of course when the affair is found out or when (if) both people leave their marriages to be with each other, and IF everyone behaves impeccably and with maturity and restraint at all times then maybe the children will not too badly affected. But that is a big if. Hurt people don't always behave impeccably and with maturity and restraint. Neither do people involved in affairs.

PinkFrocks... It's quite possible to have compassion for somebody who is walking into a field of fire without patting them on the head whilst they do it. OP still has the opportunity to turn this around and that would be the best outcome for everybody - including herself.

Unless you've ever been in the position yourself - on either side - you have no idea what is actually happening here. I have been here, unwitting OW when younger and betrayed partner when older. Post all you like but please don't tell posters that they're not being compassionate to the OP. To not show compassion would be to ignore her and not post at all...

There was another thread about whether an affair hurts anyone if it is not found out. Personally I think it does, as my husband's affair (and previous attempt at an affair) hurt me and the children long before I found out about it. We didn't know what was going on, but his head and heart were not with us, his family. Presumably without realising that it showed, he was detached and uninterested and his behaviour reflected that. It made our everyday life less enjoyable for a long time.

My kids suffered terribly when their dad and I divorced, and our kids aren't the only ones to suffer when their parents divorce. And there was no one else involved, no adultery, no OM/OW waiting in the wings, no deceit, no betrayal.

Though I don't want to play into your hands when I say that op, to give you an excuse to continue in your deceit and betrayal to 'protect' your kids. The fabric of their lives is built on deceit and betrayal, and somewhere in their psyche they will know that. I have a friend whose dad used to hit her mum in the evenings when my friend was a child asleep (her dad did it quietly, her mum kept quiet to protect her kids) - my friend didn't hear a thing, never, not once. But she was (and is) fucked up by what was going on, even, and before, she knew about it. Just because they don't see it or know about it, doesn't mean it isn't going to affect them.

Your kids will, at least, be affected by the contempt you have for their father, whether you think you show it or not. The same holds for his contempt for you, if that is the case. They will very likely replicate the same dynamic in their adult relationships. That's how it goes.

I can only imagine you being 'trapped' if you live in a country where it is impossible to divorce your children's father without losing your kids. Is there a cultural element to you feeling 'forced' to live like this?

As pP's are saying, please answer questions posters have put to you. Please also have a stab at some humility and try to rein in the brazen approach shown previously - it is a red rag to a bull. Perhaps start with this question, asked many times: why did you post? What were you hoping for?

That one was mine, Ravenmum. My friend had a long term affair and was adamant that - if nobody found out - it was painless. I disagreed with her and posted for other opinions. Most also thought that there was suffering involved. My friend, in her bubble, still disagrees...

"Personally I think it does, as my husband's affair (and previous attempt at an affair) hurt me and the children long before I found out about it. We didn't know what was going on, but his head and heart were not with us, his family. Presumably without realising that it showed, he was detached and uninterested and his behaviour reflected that. It made our everyday life less enjoyable for a long time."

I agree with this. It coincided with my eldest boy's early teen years and they constantly clashed. I worried that their relationship wouldn't recover. It is got pretty good now because H got his head out of his selfish self-obsessed arse and worked at it! The irony is that his father treated his family really badly when he left (and afterwards) and H always swore he'd never be like that. Ha!

I'm wondering if OP posted because the MM and his family are away on a family holiday whilst OP is at home with the reality of her own marriage (which sounds far less fulfilling for her than MM's might be given he has made it clear there's no future).

Absence and all that.

I think ALL OW post here because they want to talk about their MM and can't to anyone in RL.

I also think you could be right there, Wisey, the hens have come home to roost. MM happy at home, OW not so much. You really are wise.

I agree with math that what she is contemplating should be a crime. I think only someone who has severe problems is capable of behaving in this manner. For obvious reasons I spent some time on line reading about infidelity. There's a site over at I village specifically for people who are having an affair. It's full of women gloating about their affair and their hopes of mm leaving their wives. It's truly horrific and certainly gives you a insight into their mentality.

Each sorry story plays out in the exact same way , they all think they're unique www.ivillage.com/forums/love-sex/relationship-problems/mas/my-affair-support-2?page=2

It doesn't surprise me that the Op hasn't had a conversation with mm about being together full time. They usually don't want to burst the bubble , they prefer the fantasy. Once they do discuss it and get told no , the shit really hits the fan and they have to deal with the reality that they've been just a bit on the side. They are wounded when mm denys ever knowing them.

What also surprises me is the assumption that wife , upon finding out , will cling to husbands legs and plead with ow to back off so they can work on their marriage. I've seen a friend beat the ow in her marriage to a pulp. When it happened to me I confronted her , publicly. I told her husband and sent pictures of her bare fat arse and her sleazy messages to her parents and andher family. There was no way she was walking off with my house , my savings , and there was no way in hell she was being step mum to my kids.

The MM may feel just as trapped and frustrated as the OP, we just don't know.
Reading the posts from people who have experienced the fallout from family break-ups reinforces for me what I suggested earlier. Ditch the MM and brace yourself fora lifetime of disappointment. Many people do this. No-one gets hurt.

Are you reading these comments OP? Can all these people be wrong? Its obvious to all that OM will not be leaving his wife and you know that. He will never make you happy in the long term because no-one actually makes another person happy. It comes from within. You will disagree because being with him makes you feel happy, and he will be supporting you emotionally. Thats what men do when they are having an affair.
Think about a new outfit, a great vacation or anything that gives you a buzz. You feel good for a while and then the feeling goes, until of course you get something else. This is the same in an affair and theres the added excitement of planning carefully together and avoiding being caught. Great, it feels that you are at long last living, as opposed to the life you have at home. Unfortunately, if you are not happy internally then setting up shop with OM will bring about a re-run and failure. If your husband is as bad as you imply (and you still havent said why he is so bad) then leave him and your lover, but we on this forum suspect that you wont, (you also state this yourself) because you need your lover to fill the void that is within you. I shall look for your future comments with interest but will not post again. You do not intend to change, so you wont.

Why are you now saying you're "kind of trapped in your marriage" when upthread you said that if you'd wanted to leave it, you would have? If it's financial considerations alone, how come the "successful career" that means you and OM wouldn't have to take the house from his wife wouldn't allow you to support yourself?

I'm truly sorry to hear about the "years of pain" you won't elaborate on. But fucking another woman's husband for four years kind of loses you the moral highground.

Incidentally, some excellent posts from math on this thread.

'Clearly' there would be some financial considerations'?

Can you hear yourself?

She gets a house she would have to sell because you can't live on fresh air and you can't fund a retirement with empty rooms, or heat those rooms without an income, and since she won't be told of your plans for her in time to ramp up her career, resume it, or get a new one, she won't have much of an income to rely on. She will still need a roof over her head though. She will end her days counting her pennies, after making sacrifices for the sake of the career of a worthless man and for her children, in hopes of a retirement together.

What you are contemplating should be classed as a crime.

^
This exactly this.
Are you twin sister to the ow my ex left me for?
Her plan to the fine detail, no hurry to have him until it suited her.

I have held on to my house but the empty rooms are filled with students, to help with running costs. My life plans in ashes. Too late to re-train for the few years left to my retirement.

I too would be interested to know what your husband has done , as mine told the ow all sorts of absolute nonsence to justify his actions.

Proceed with caution as plans can and do backfire:

OW. Her XH awarded marital home and both her children remained with dad. Children see her rarely .

ExH. Ended up in a one bed flat, as expensive in his part of town. Only one of our children has any thing to do with their father, all adults, making their own decisions, I have never bad-mouthed him to them.

The Kicker, someone at their place of work must have felt such anger towards them both, (you see, someone ALWAYS knows), reported their affair to HR , OW demoted and moved to out of town office, Exh retained position why is it the men keep their jobs? but his reputation is trash. They have few friends. I hear through the grapevine they are only together as each other is all they have. They still have a fancy life style, but with a sour taste to it.

Just another perspective.

Why did I post in the first place? Good question. I guess because I know it's all wrong. And because I can't talk about it in real life (no OM's not on holiday!)

I haven't gone in to the details about my marriage because they're very identifiable. Sorry - I know that would give some context.

I don't suppose there's anything that I can say to redeem myself on this thread. For what it's worth, before this started I would have been equally appalled by anyone exhibiting this behaviour.

I absolutely cannot help how I feel (if anyone knows how you change your feelings, please let me know), and surely that is the worst part anyway? If your spouse had strong, long-lasting feelings for someone else, would it really be all that great if they were able to say "yeah, but I've never acted on it"? Surely the feelings being there, and knowing that someone else was in their head all the time is the hurtful part anyway?

Can you honestly say that if you'd gone non-contact with your OM early on, recommitted to your marriage, arranged marriage counseling etc. you'd still have feelings for him now though? Four years down the line?

You made the choice to carry on the affair. You talked to your OM when you should have been talking to your DH, flirted with him when you could have put your energies into your marriage, built up whatever crap your DH has done so you could justify what you're doing, instead of talking to him and sorting things out.

You could have made the choice that being attracted to someone else is entirely normal for pretty much everyone at some point in a long relationship, but that doesn't mean you have to act on it.

And yes, maybe your marriage would have failed anyway, but at least you'd have tried and would have some integrity left.

Thunder
You asked how to change your feelings. Well, you can start by changing your behaviour.
You will never get out of this situation if you keep seeing this man, will you?
Little by little- it may take months or years- the pain will pass.
But you can remind yourself during that time that you are doing what is right and honest.

You have some simple choices: deal with your marriage (I doubt you are that identifiable if you were to say what's been going on- there are over 60 million people in the UK alone so doubt if we know you!)

Either you want to save it, or you don't.
If you do, then stop using the OM to prop it up.
And be honest about this - marriages and spouses always look worse than they are when there is the chance of greener grass. Maybe your DH and your marriage is not that bad really, you are just bored or whatever. But if it IS bad, then get out of it.

It's actually very easy. All you do is email, phone or meet the OM and tell him it's over. And mean it. Then get on with dealing with your marriage.

Noone is saying it will not be painful. But that is the price you will pay for your affair. You can't expect to walk away and live your life as if it hadn't happened.

Do you think you can end it? Do you want to?

surely that is the worst part, your spouse having strong long lasting feelings for someone else

Actually the worst parts have been the financial destitution and homelessness and having to have STD checks and having everyone know my marriage failed and being separated from my DC three days out of the week.

Infidelity DOES affect the children OP. (and anybody else who says it doesn't)

Your OM, instead of concentrating fully on his wife and children (which is what normal married men do), has his head-space occupied by YOU.
So, time that should be spent inter-acting with them is missing.

I know this, because my DH (who was cheating) very rarely did anything with our children. I know this, because every weekend he seemed agitated (obviously wishing it was Monday so he could get back to spending time with his cheat partner).

Come Sunday night he would suddenly perk up wonder why

My children used to be hurt, but never knew why their father wasn't interested in doing anything with them. (neither did I)

So, please don't fool yourself that children are not at all affected by your furtive sneaking around. They are.

You are not just cheating on your husband.
You are also cheating on your children.
How does that make you feel OP? (still feel good about yourself?)

What kind of mother are you that you put what's between your legs befoere the needs of your own children?

????????????????

worth repeating (you never know, this might just get through)

You are not just cheating on your husband.
You are also cheating on your children.
In other words, you are cheating on
Your Family.