Support thread for those in Emotionally Abusive Relationships 30

[CharlotteCollins]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
A check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
Why financial abuse is domestic violence Are you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
Warning signs you’re dating a loser Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie If you’re a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out - You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
Heart to heart - a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

What couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
Should I Stay or Should I Go bonus materials This is a site containing material for men who want to change - please don’t give him the link - print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
What you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

If she starts reception next year, I'd say (I know, I know, I HATE to agree with him for any reason!) it's worth trying a few weeks and let her get used to it. It really does prepare them for reception. Ds2 struggled a LOT the first few weeks he went, then suddenly loved it, once he got used to it.

Just pointing out that the chaotic year she has had is kind of a good reason for her to actually be in nursery - it's a regular thing, a good schedule for her which provides stability (not that you're unstable, but you know what I mean).

Oh, bless her, it sounds as she isn't ready for nursery just now. If she is that upset by it, I'd just stop sending her - you've tried it, it's not working out. It sounds like you do plenty of activities and socialising so I wouldn't worry on that score. As for KD, which is more likely - that he has her best interests at heart or that he wants to throw his weight around and control you?

Before you give up on it, I would have a meeting with someone at the nursery (without KD) and discuss your concerns and see what they can put in place to ease her into it more. Ours was very good about making little changes and putting child-oriented incentives to interest ds2.

X-posted.

Yes, nursery now might well make the transition to school easier next year. OTOH by this time next she might be naturally more ready for school anyway, and a negative experience with nursery might not help with that.

Gaaah..I know at the bottom of me that it's essentially a good idea, and that it will prepare her for reception, I just feel like there was no discussion, DD1's anxious nature wasn't taken into consideration. KD wanted it and so it must happen. Last year we were discussing the possibility of me home schooling our DC as I have over a decade of early years education experience and have worked as a private tutor for all age groups. It's something we'd always discussed and as long as their educational needs and their socialisation needs were met, he was happy for that to happen. Now he says, without further discussion, that that option is off the table entirely.

I now feel that I don't have any say in their education at all.

Put KD entirely out of the decision making progress for a moment. Look at it strictly as "what will help her overall more?" Discuss it with the nursery and THEN decide, based on what is best for her overall. You don't want to make a knee jerk decision based on your irritation at KD. If you decide to keep her in nursery then it'll be because it's what you feel is best for her, not because of what he says. The fact that he wants it too is simply a coincidence, nothing more.

MrBuster I just don't feel like she's ready for it, and as you say if she has a negative experience with nursery, then that may have a knock-on effect wrt going into reception next year. I do feel like he's pulled this out of thin air when he was otherwise happy to have me home school her and eventually the twins.

alice.. I think I'll ask to have a proper word with someone at nursery. They seem very quick to dismiss my concerns when I pick her up, saying that she's an anxious child but when she's not vomiting she interacts well with the other children. She is generally a delight, sweet, pleasant natured, outgoing etc. I'd hate to think this experience might affect that.

I imagine they're a bit dismissive as it's being brought up at coming in and going home time, when things are a bit chaotic, and at the beginning of the year, when lots of children struggle with the change of nursery. I think you'll get a more objective discussion if you schedule an appointment for the next day or so and talk to them then. They can also give you an idea what she is like after you've left, in case it's a "coming in/going home" problem specifically.

From what you've said, she doesn't sound ready to enjoy nursery at the moment. However, if you're torn about whether to continue sending her or not, there's nothing to be lost by following Alice's suggestion and asking for a meeting with nursery to discuss your concerns. If they are dismissive at a proper meeting and won't consider measures to help her settle in (e.g. building up the length of time she attends gradually), then maybe they're not the right nursery for her.

The thing is, I know he's more than capable of using our DC to control me, and this insistance of nursery seems to have been plucked out of thin air. He had previously been happy for me to home educate, knows I have a timetable and resources, and that I factor in as much socialising as possible. I just wonder if this turnaround is entirely honourable and that he has DD1's interests at heart.

But yes, I'll definitely request a meeting with her nursery key worker and take it from there.

I think Alice's advice on this upthread was sound - leave KD out of the equation, don't waste headspace trying to work out his motives, focus on deciding what you, her primary carer, think would be best for DD1.

Thanks MrBuster and alice. Ultimately I just want what's right for DD1, and I'm sure speaking properly to someone at nursery will clear that up.

Best of luck. Education stuff like that is always a mine field. FWIW, I am well educated, organised, and patient with my dcs and I STILL wouldn't want to home educate! I would if I had to, obviously, but I'd prefer not to. I'm happy to supplement their regular education with extra things at home.

Thanks..I just love the idea of a tailor made education that uses my early years experience to full advantage. Until recently KD was on board with that. I suppose all will out in the months to come. I can't help feeling if I agreed tomorrow to a reconciliation, suddenly home schooling would be back on the table.

I suspect you are spot on with that Curt. I think his "improved behaviour" is a mask to lure you back in so he can get you back in line and get his feet back under the table. What a twat.

Yes. I do believe that may be right.

So he's text saying he loves me, is commited to rebuilding our marriage, he was angry when he set up the OD profiles and...drum roll..he set them up when we first separated and hasn't used them, nor had any intention of doing so, and will prove they've been deactivated now by sending screenshots. Hahaa..did I call that or what!!

Shame you can't place a bet on this stuff. We'd be rich, eh?

The bookies wouldn't give good odds though. It is a sure bet predictable twats.

Well..just broached the nursery subject with KD, tried to express my concerns and ended up with a huge argument. He's turned it all around nicely and said I'm shutting him out of decisions etc. I told him I want to speak to the nursery about DD1's distress and that we should make a judgement based on what they say (whilst maintaining we know her best, they may have a strategy wrt how upset she is). He's just shouted that so what if she vomits and refuses food, she needs to get over it..and that I think I know better than nursery staff because I'm an arrogant bitch . I do think I know DD1 better than people who've known her 4 days, yes! And I have over a decade of experience in early years education so I'm well aware some children don't take to it well. Hand on heart I never met a young child who vomited the whole time they were there though!

So now I'm wound up and have sent him a couple of texts to tell him I won't stand for being verbally abused. To which he replied he didn't verbally abuse me and I'm overreacting.

Gaaaaah. And breath.

So let's see... we have verbal abuse (shouting, calling you a bitch, etc), child neglect (as he is utterly unconcerned about her vomiting and refusing school), and my personal favourite ... gaslighting (he didn't verbally abuse and you're overreacting)...

Oh, Curt. He's back in full form, isn't he? He's showing you the REAL him. Take note.

He's absolutely reminded me in one fell swoop of all the reasons why I left and why I can never go back. I should be able to share my concerns and have him back me up, not shout me down and minimise not only my worries but also DD1's distress. I wasn't suggesting remove her right now, I was just saying I thought it would be prudent to speak to nursery as suggested, and if nursery also voiced concerns, then perhaps rethink nursery for now, look at it as an option again in a few months (simply for example). He's gone completely off on one, which says to me this is more for his satisfaction and exertion of control, rather than for the benefit of DD1. Just as I suspected.

Does he have parental responsibility? I'm assuming he does here, but I would say still schedule a meeting with the nursery and discuss your concerns.

1-this will show them that you're putting her first, regardless of what's going on with ex
2-if you do end up taking her out of nursery, he cannot make it look like you utterly went against what he wanted as her father without any valid reasons. If he tries this at any point in future, you can happily point to your meeting with the nursery and say "nope, we discussed it and I made a decision based on that meeting."

Covers you all the way.

And a tenner says that he will attempt to reel it all in by this weekend again. We really do need to get something at Ladbroke's on these FWs.