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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Is this abuse/what do I do?

167 replies

Mama8 · 10/08/2014 19:59

Please can I have some advice, I really don't know what to do or who to go to for help. I'm sorry if I don't explain it fully, I'm really upset and struggling to think. On two previous occasions when my eldest daughter (4.6) has been 'naughty' (eg encouraging her you get sister to be cheeky) my husband has really yelled at her and held her around the neck tight enough to leave marks. I told him to never do it again or I would leave, I told him that it is abuse and unacceptable. He just shrugs it off & tells me I'm overreacting. Tonight while I was putting the baby to bed I could he him shouting and smacking her repeatedly. I rushed down and he stormed off into the kitchen shouting that she had been telling her sister to be cheeky. She had red marks on her arm and neck. I'm now sitting with my two daughters trying to comfort them and get them to go to sleep.

Who do I turn to? We've moved away from my friends and family to be closer to husbands family. I don't really have any friends here. If I go to the doctors will they believe me and will they be able to help?

OP posts:
ArtemisiaGentileschisThumb · 10/08/2014 21:36

Three incidents like this are not mistakes, they are serious abuse and also three incidents means that it is rapidly becoming not out of character. I'm afraid your mother is wrong, you are not over reacting you are in fact massively under reacting.

The fact that she is sitting on his lap looking at stickers does not mean she is not terrified of him but rather that she has probably already internalised that his reactions are her fault, it is natural for a child to love and want to be loved even (and especially) after they have been hurt. She will not bounce back from this if you continue to allow it to happen.

You asked if it is better to sort this out than to leave and be the only family for your children? My response is that it is far better for you to be their only family than to have them physically and emotionally damaged any more than they already have been.

ArtemisiaGentileschisThumb · 10/08/2014 21:37

Sorry x post, I have just seen that you have called women's aid. Well done, that is a really brave step xxx

TheLastThneed · 10/08/2014 21:43

So pleased you made the decision. This is incredibly worrying.

JadeJ123 · 10/08/2014 21:43

I would of legt him the first time, are you going to say it was out of character if he accidentally killd her, grow a back bone and call the police. Dh knows I'd personally take his head off if he hit DSD!

Mumof3xox · 10/08/2014 21:49

Well done mama

queenofthepirates · 10/08/2014 21:52

Thank goodness, we all wish you well. Please do stay with us and tell us what happens. You have a lot of people who do care for you and your children. It takes a tremendous amount of courage to leave but you absolutely cannot allow this man near your daughters.

tipsytrifle · 10/08/2014 21:55

Children are very adept at sussing out who has the power in a family. This child has correctly identified who must be appeased if she is to survive. Kind of sad that this is possibly how man-pleasing behaviour can originate. Kind of sad that i know this from my own experience.

I hope you seek further advice and clarification on whether this third violent incidence qualifies as abuse. I'm sure you will find WA helpful in this if you aren't willing to contact the police.

M00nUnit · 10/08/2014 22:18

What did WA say? Like a lot of people I'm seriously worried about your kids. Your DP has done this three times now so you can't say it's "out of character" anymore. It's likely he'll assault your children again and possibly inflict serious injuries on them unless you get them away from him (or better still call 999) asap.

Original poster
Mama8 · 10/08/2014 22:28

I phoned womens aid but they won't speak to me while husband is in the house even though he's asleep. He leaves for work at 5.30 am so ill call in the morning. I don't feel right calling 999 as he is not a threat now he's asleep. If they say that I need to report it then I will do.

I have spoken to my parents and they are been more supportive and have offered to come and talk to him, although this wouldn't be until Friday as its when his and their days off are.

I am not risking him doing something like this again so I will be calling womens aid and probably the police in the morning. Thank you all for your advice.

OP posts:
tribpot · 10/08/2014 22:28

Three times in a week is not 'out of character'. This is extremely dangerous.

Why is he never alone with her? Did you have doubts about him prior to this?

guitarosauras · 10/08/2014 22:30

Nothing that your parents can say will help. He's a bully.

Infact I'd say it'd be silly for them to have words with him.

tribpot · 10/08/2014 22:32

Cross-posted with you. I'm glad to hear that you got through to Women's Aid. I don't think there's any value in your parents coming to talk to him; it's more likely they see this as a way to gang up on you with him to pressure you into thinking it isn't serious.

You can call the police on 101, the non-emergency number. However, I suspect they would come and remove him as 'sleeping' is not really a sufficient defence.

HumblePieMonster · 10/08/2014 22:34

I'm a bit concerned about your parents 'having a word'. It seems inappropriate. He's going to listen to them because they're the 'grown ups'? Or do they think he will change just because they've spoken? He's really dangerous and you've already made all the right decisions so there's nothing for them to say, they just need to be there for you.

AnotherStitchInTime · 10/08/2014 22:35

You can call 101 and report it even though you are not in imminent danger.

FairPhyllis · 10/08/2014 22:37

Well done. Make sure you make the call in the morning. We will be here if you want support then.

His behaviour is really high risk - it is on the extreme end of domestic violence. You are not over reacting at all.

Ultimately you will have get away from him permanently to protect your children, but the police and WA will be able to help you do that.

Your parents are hopelessly uninformed and out of their depth here - the only safe way you can deal with behaviour like this is to leave. Anything else is just too dangerous.

Can you take photos of the marks?

TheCowThatLaughs · 10/08/2014 22:42

Please make sure that your husband can not find this thread op. Could put you in serious danger if he does.

AutumnshadesofGold · 10/08/2014 22:44

Well done Mama; you took the first step. The next step is important though - you must call WA back tomorrow. And are you sure you're all safe tonight? The Police are there to help you and your DC.
I also don't think it's a great idea for your folks to speak to him - especially as they didn't seem to think it was serious earlier! It would also mean that this situation would continue until Friday (I think you said, sorry on my phone) - you need to be away from him before that, you really do.

Original poster
Mama8 · 10/08/2014 22:48

The marks on her neck faded within 20 minutes. I didn't think to take a photo, I busy comforting her. I have taken photos of the mark left on her arm.

This has all happened in the past week and as I said is out of character. We have been together 7 years. I want him to be able to get help. He is being bullied at work and he has problems with his family. I must stress I am not making excuses but this weeks behaviour is not typical of the 7 years we've been together. My children are my priority but I want him to be back to the good father he is.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mama8 · 10/08/2014 22:49

We are safe tonight. Nothing wakes him up when he's sleeping.

OP posts:
gamerchick · 10/08/2014 22:53

He's being bullied at work doesn't mean he gets to bully a youngling.

I got bullied at work and I kept a log and chucked a grievance in. I didn't take it out on my kids.

Tipsykisses · 10/08/2014 22:57

Thank you for letting us know mama,
I have been wondering how you all are , you've made the first step & that is always difficult but you did it !
I will be thinking of you & the little ones tonight & in the morning .xx

ArtemisiaGentileschisThumb · 10/08/2014 22:59

If I had hurt my child that severely I don't think I would be able to sleep... I hope you do call WA in the morning and that you listen to their advice. If all of these incidents happened in the last week then things have escalated very quickly; regardless of what is going on for him there is no excuse for what he has done, the children are very likely to be traumatised already and he is a danger to them as he is clearly unstable and not all that remorseful if he can sleep. Well done for taking this first step, now you will need to keep going. Good luck for tomorrow, please keep updating.

ArtemisiaGentileschisThumb · 10/08/2014 23:00

Also he can get help at any time, you don't have to be there for him to take that step.

FairPhyllis · 10/08/2014 23:04

Here is a link to how to cover your tracks online if you think you may need it.

AnotherStitchInTime · 10/08/2014 23:04

The stress he is under at work and with his family are no excuse for his actions.

If he truly wanted to be a good father he would recognise that he had lost it and leave voluntarily to seek help. Instead he has blamed his violence towards your child on her behaviour. He is not a good father, even if this is out of character for him previously. It has happened three times now, this is now part of his character.

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