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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Is this abuse/what do I do?

167 replies

Mama8 · 10/08/2014 19:59

Please can I have some advice, I really don't know what to do or who to go to for help. I'm sorry if I don't explain it fully, I'm really upset and struggling to think. On two previous occasions when my eldest daughter (4.6) has been 'naughty' (eg encouraging her you get sister to be cheeky) my husband has really yelled at her and held her around the neck tight enough to leave marks. I told him to never do it again or I would leave, I told him that it is abuse and unacceptable. He just shrugs it off & tells me I'm overreacting. Tonight while I was putting the baby to bed I could he him shouting and smacking her repeatedly. I rushed down and he stormed off into the kitchen shouting that she had been telling her sister to be cheeky. She had red marks on her arm and neck. I'm now sitting with my two daughters trying to comfort them and get them to go to sleep.

Who do I turn to? We've moved away from my friends and family to be closer to husbands family. I don't really have any friends here. If I go to the doctors will they believe me and will they be able to help?

OP posts:

Karenthetoadslayer · 10/08/2014 20:35

Take pictures of the marks now. Phone the police. Have him removed from the house immediately.

ArtemisiaGentileschisThumb · 10/08/2014 20:36

Op yes I'm afraid this is very serious abuse, has he hurt you physically as well? Either way your children are at risk of serious harm, I know the idea of upping and leaving must be terrifying especially when you are so far away from support but there is help out there for you; you can go directly to the police now with your DC and you can call women's aid on 0808 2000 247 or you could take them to A&E if your little one is seriously hurt (it's probably. Good idea to get her checked out there if she has been grabbed around the neck) and you can speak tot he police from there, they will take you seriously and help you. I'm sure there are people on her with more experience to help point you towards other support.

No matter how scary it is you and your children are in very real danger and your partner has shown that he is not even willing to accept that what he is do no is wrong let alone be willing to change. Please leave with your DC as soon as you can.

I'm sorry you are all going through this

cailindana · 10/08/2014 20:36

Grabbing a child around the neck is incredibly dangerous. He could easily crush her wind pipe or break her neck. It is so so easy to do, a child's neck is extremely fragile. Do not let him near her again. You should call the police, but if you can't manage that at the very least get her away from danger. That is the very least you can do for your child.

Karenthetoadslayer · 10/08/2014 20:37

OP phone 999.

ouryve · 10/08/2014 20:37

You shouldn't even need to ask :(

Tipsykisses · 10/08/2014 20:37

Please ring the police or even women's aid !
Could you ring family to come to you ?
I'm very worried to see this , it is not right , your husband is a dangerous man !
Please let us know you are all ok !

bellarations · 10/08/2014 20:42

If you do not change this, your dc mh will suffer they could blame you for not protecting them.

RollerCola · 10/08/2014 20:46

Please leave him, call Women's Aid they will tell you what to do. Has he ever shown signs of violence before? To either you or them?

If you stay with him, he will do it again because he clearly doesn't think he's doing anything wrong. The next time he could really hurt them. They will be terrified of him and as they get older they will blame you for not keeping them away from him. He might turn on you.

Show the children you can take control and that they can trust you to keep them safe. The baby won't know what's happening but your daughter will already be scared of him and this will manifest itself in all sorts of ways if you stay with this violent man.

You must be very scared but please let us know you're ok. Thinking of you.

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 10/08/2014 20:53

He could easily kill her by accident. Please call the police.

Original poster

Mama8 · 10/08/2014 20:53

I called my mum for advice. She said that its hard for husband as I don't let him discipline her. She is pro smacking. I can't go to her for support. Her and my dad are my only family. He agrees with her.

I have spoken to husband he says he held her from behind her neck. The red mark faded in 10 minutes. I am not trying to minimalise this but this is so out of character for him. I don't want my family ripping apart because of 3 (very serious) mistakes.

I have told him if it happens again I will call the police. Surely it's better to try sort out whatever problem husband has then leave all 3 of them with no family other than me.

OP posts:

MrsKCastle · 10/08/2014 20:54

Please phone the police. Your DH has assaulted your DD on at least 3 separate occasions.

There can be NO justification for that. Ever. She is a child. She must be utterly terrified of her own father.

Please protect your children. I know it's easy for us to say, but please please don't ignore this.

Original poster

Mama8 · 10/08/2014 20:54

No I'm not a troll. I wish I was. I don't have anyone to talk to.

OP posts:

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 10/08/2014 20:54

He. Could. Kill. Her.

JaneFonda · 10/08/2014 20:55

OP, is he abusive to you?

I simply cannot comprehend why you wouldn't do absolutely everything in your power to make sure your children are safe.

Those poor little girls, they must be so frightened in their own home. :(

MrsKCastle · 10/08/2014 20:57

X-post.

No, you're minimising.

3 separate assaults and you'll only call the police if it happens again? People above said that next time he could kill her. Are you willing to take that chance?

Galvanized · 10/08/2014 20:57

Why are you posting on MN instead of calling the police? Put it this way, if he did this to a colleague or adult family member wouldnt you expect him to be arrested for assault? It is still assault if it is a child.

Galvanized · 10/08/2014 20:58

My parents are pro smacking but they would never condone what your husband has done. Why have you said you'll call the police "next time"? He can't control himself, next time he might injure her or worse.

JaneFonda · 10/08/2014 20:59

If, God forbid, he severely injures (or worse) your daughters - you will also be held responsible for protecting him and not them.

queenofthepirates · 10/08/2014 20:59

Please, please take this seriously, the fact that he is unremorseful is very worrying. I would urge you to call the police now and get him out of the house. Once is quite enough but three times? How many more times before you are going to listen to all of the advice you are being given?

Aheadofyourtime · 10/08/2014 20:59

I think it's better to leave now, then when you feel he is different, in the future, you can consider contact or getting back together.

That way round.

Tipsykisses · 10/08/2014 20:59

Mama8 there is a big difference between discipline & abuse ...
It is abuse to squeeze a child by the throat and could cause serious damage or death to your dd
The fact that this is not the first time it has happened is very worrying and the fact that he is justifying what he has done even more so !
You have a baby in the house too , what if he gets angry again & hurts the baby ?
I know you must be scared and confused especially after your mum agreed with what he did but I really think he is dangerous to be around and you'd all be safer away for him .
Please get some help before things escalate xx

Original poster

Mama8 · 10/08/2014 21:00

I spoke to my mum. She says I'm over reacting. She has been sat on his knee sharing her stickers with him. She is not terrified. But no his behaviour is not acceptable. His behaviour is out of character.

OP posts:

HumblePieMonster · 10/08/2014 21:01

Where can you go with the children? Parents? Friend?
You need him away from them fast and forever.

Original poster

Mama8 · 10/08/2014 21:02

He is remorseful this time. This isn't like him to do this.

OP posts:

AskBasil · 10/08/2014 21:03

Your mum is wrong.

You are not over-reacting.

She is under-reacting.

It's astonishing that she doesn't have more concern for her grandchildren.

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