Is this abuse/what do I do?

[Mama8]

Please can I have some advice, I really don't know what to do or who to go to for help. I'm sorry if I don't explain it fully, I'm really upset and struggling to think. On two previous occasions when my eldest daughter (4.6) has been 'naughty' (eg encouraging her you get sister to be cheeky) my husband has really yelled at her and held her around the neck tight enough to leave marks. I told him to never do it again or I would leave, I told him that it is abuse and unacceptable. He just shrugs it off & tells me I'm overreacting. Tonight while I was putting the baby to bed I could he him shouting and smacking her repeatedly. I rushed down and he stormed off into the kitchen shouting that she had been telling her sister to be cheeky. She had red marks on her arm and neck. I'm now sitting with my two daughters trying to comfort them and get them to go to sleep.

Who do I turn to? We've moved away from my friends and family to be closer to husbands family. I don't really have any friends here. If I go to the doctors will they believe me and will they be able to help?

If its out of character what do you think has changed? Can you talk to him later tonight or do you feel you have to walk on eggshells round him?

Even if it's out of character it's still dangerous !!
I don't agree with your mum , you are not over reacting ...
I was disciplined very strictly but never was I strangled

Ring the police NOW

She will be appeasing him to try and get back in his good books to try to stop him doing it again. Deep down she will be terrified.

Stop minimising and stop listening to your mum. This has nothing to do with discipline and is way beyond smacking.

If a stranger did this to you or your child in the street then it would be assault and I bet you wouldn't minimise it like you are now.

Your dd is only 4, she needs you as the adult to stick up for her. He has done it three times and it sounds as if it is getting worse.

I am going to be brutally honest with you here.

Do you want to leave it until you come in to see her lifeless body on the floor? That is a real possibility here. Could you live with yourself knowing you could have stopped it?

Oh my goodness, this is awful. Please leave him protect your little girl. I'm crying for her.
You say this is out of character yet it isn't the first time. Please don't play it down this is child abuse and he is a nasty cruel person.

He's not sorry at all, he's only sorry that you caught him in the aftermath of what he did to your child.

Do you want these children growing up to think that violence against them is their normal?. I am wondering if he is abusive towards you as well and are very afraid of him.

I am sorry that your parents are both unhelpful and unsupportive for their own reasons. I would no longer involve them in this and inform the proper authorities instead. You need to call the Police and Womens Aid today.

Staying within this situation is no longer an option. If your H had done this to a person in the street, he would be arrested and likely charged with assault.

Holding her around the neck. Are you all mad. This is extremely dangerous and could be fatal. Call the police immediately.

Please read this if you can
It might help , even if there are some telephone numbers that may help you .

m.helpguide.org/articles/abuse/child-abuse

I'm not sure if this link works ?
I've never posted a link on MN before .

m.helpguide.org/articles/abuse/child-abuse

Ofcourse it's abuse.

You owe it to your dc to get far away from this man asap!

By staying your daughters are learning that it's appropriate behavior.

As another poster said, it doesn't matter if it's out of character or what she did or what your mother thinks. He hurt your child.

This is his character, he has done it 3 times! You will start modifying your behaviour now and trying to prevent him getting annoyed with your dd if you stay with him.

You are damn lucky she isn't dead already.

Death by strangulation can happen extremely quickly (much quicker than you think) especially in infants. Your DH could very easily kill her without fully intending to.

Strangling is one of the most serious forms of domestic violence short of murder. Strangling incidents are an indicator of extreme danger. They are frequently a prelude to murder.

You MUST act. GET THE FUCK OUT NOW. Call 999 NOW and get out of there.

She is appeasing him because she is a child and she doesn't know how else to protect herself from him. YOU are the grownup. YOU must act.

Will you still be defending him when he throttles your defenceless 4 year old again?

What would it take for you to take action? How far does he have to go? What if he repeatedly hits her again but doesnt strangle her?

See told you.

Fwiw I'm a smacking supporter and I'm telling you his is not smacking.. This is him losing total control and next time you could be plastered all over the press for allowing your child to be killed.

It's on your head and no he's not allowed to discipline her in that way.. smacking is used in dangerous situations not for what you've described.. It will become her normal and to be frank.. If she's forgiven him straight away means you're full of it or you don't know that this is a regular occurrence and is now her normal. Which is it?

Mama8
I wish I could ring the police myself .. I've never read anything on here that's affected me as much as your post tonight

So he's done it 3 times and each time you threaten to leave him the next time he does it. You do realise you're giving him permission to abuse his daughter by keeping her in that situation. Next time he could fricking KILL her. But it's ok obviously because he doesn't mean it. Is that what you'll tell the police when he's arrested for murder?

However pro smacking you are, surely no-one is pro:

• repeated smacking (isn't the argument once should be enough?)
• smacking for the dubious offence of 'telling her sister to be cheeky', WTF does that even mean
• smacking when it is not intended to stop a child from a course of action that could endanger them (in this case the strangling/slapping was the thing that endangered your daughter's life)
• holding a child around the neck (even unintentionally, this could kill your daughter)

this is so out of character for him. I don't want my family ripping apart because of 3 (very serious) mistakes.

So out of character that it's happened 3 times before she turned 5? Have all of these events actually happened recently?

How ripped apart will your family be if your dd tells her teacher what has happened? Or frankly any responsible adult. Act now.

Op

Please get your children away from this man

Thank you for your advice. This has all happened in the previous week. He never spends time alone with her so I know he isn't doing this while I'm not about as I'm always about! He has gone to bed now. My daughters are watching a movie and I'm going to call womens aid for support.

So glad to hear that OP.

Good plan mama8. Call them now.

Mama sweetheart, you know this abuse. Serious get the fuck out of there now abuse. I have gone cold reading your posts. You say you haven't got anyone to turn to - your children NEED YOU to be THEIR saviour and save them from the man who is meant to love & protect them from harm. You have of us here in MN, you're not alone.
This is not right, it doesn't matter if it's out of character - it's now IN his character and changes your & your Dc's future for ever.
Your mum is wrong, which is also difficult to hear but your children's safety takes priority.
Call the police or just grab your DC and walk out the front door. Right now, you can do it.
You have to do it.
You can do it, we can help.

So pleased to hear that !
Good luck mama8 , please let us know you are all ok if you can x

Calling Women's Aid is a great idea - hopefully it will give you the support you need, and to realise that this is abuse and it's not normal.

Well done Mama, you can do this. We will all be here for you x