How to get over the fact that I will never have children

[Whereismyb12]

Hi all. Hope to get some benefits from your collective wisdom.

I've been with my DP for nearly 5 years. He is my soul mate. He is the nicest, kindest human being I've known. He is my friend. I really like and respect him. He is the love of my life.

When we met we were both clear that we didn't want to do the 'traditional' stuff: get married, have children, get a dog, buy a house, settle down. We found it boring. We wanted to be together and have fun - live in different countries, follow our hobbies, feel young.

5 years down the line we are married (ok, it came as a surprise to both of us and we did it in a non-traditional way, but still) and in the process of buying a flat! We did it because we wanted it and that's ok. But there is another point on the 'never to do' list which we can't agree on: children.

A desire to have a child literally kicked me in the face (or rather in the uterus) overnight, around 2 years ago. I had always been disgusted/annoyed by kids and suddenly I wanted one! I couldn't get my head around it but the feeling was very strong. I spoke about it to DP: he was quite surprised but honestly responded that he didn't share my feelings and didn't know if he would feel differently one day. We had a similar conversation a few times afterwards and the outcome was always the same: he does not have a paternal instinct, doesn't mind the children of other people (in fact he's very good and caring with his nieces/nephews) but doesn't want his own child. I talked, I reasoned, I tried to persuade him. He seems honest that there is no other reason although I think in his eyes a child may be another step towards this terrifying idea of 'settling down'. Anyway his answer is no. Every conversation ended in me crying so I stopped talking about it but didn't stop longing for it.

Recently I observed some serious pregnancy symptoms. I was convinced that I was either pregnant or seriously ill as the symptoms were so out of the ordinary. I was ecstatic thinking that this could be my dream come true! When I talked to DP about my suspicions he reassured me that we would manage the situation if we were to have a child. He was very calm and supportive. Well, after a few weeks it turned out I wasn't pregnant. Stupid me, getting my hopes up so high.

It was like my own personal disaster. Like if something inside me broke and released the unstoppable desire for a baby that I tried to muffle for the last 2 years. It is constantly screaming inside my head. I can's look at children on the internet or in the street without thinking that I will never experience this. When I'm swimming I can't help thinking it's such a shame I will never teach my child to swim. When I'm running I'm imagining how I run with my daughter. When I see a bee I want to show it to my son and explain the world to him. I just think I have so much to share, WE have so much to share, me and DP, and that parenting would be a fantastic adventure for both of us. He would be an amazing parent as he's very patient and understanding, and young at heart. But we doesn't want to be a parent and I can't make him want it.

I fully respect his right to say no. I feel like this situation is my fault as I am the one who changed rules of the game and he doesn't have to accept them. But I feel so unhappy. I try to behave like before but often I will burst in tears out of nowhere or get snappy with him because sometimes something deep inside me feels that it's his fault I'm unhappy. But then I remind myself that he's not doing it deliberately. Which doesn't really change my situation.

Long introduction but my question is shorter: how can I get rid of my desire to have a baby? I need to do it to find peace. Will it fade with time? Is there anything I can do to persuade myself that this stupid longing for children will not happen so there is no point of focusing on it? Please don't tell me to LTB as this is not an option.

Tom I get that. It's an urge. But there have been women who have not given in to that urge, or that urge has passed. I've known women who never wanted kids, got ridiculously and suddenly broody when their sister had a baby, then six months later gone back to not wanting kids. These are in the minority of course but it's not uncommon.

But just because a partner doesn't share that urge or desire doesn't make them any more selfish, or unkind, or not nice, than the woman with the urge. Nor does it mean they don't love that person enough because they won't reconsider. It is unfair and unhelpful to say they are, which is what several posters have implied or outright stated.

Ok, well I don't know ANY, I know plenty of women who've never got that urge mind. A LOT of my friends have fabulous careers and never contemplated kids and are happy.

And some who are struggling to have them/ haven't got a partner and it eats them up every day, not just 6 months, years and years.

My SIL had had 6 rounds of IVF, she's now thinking of ways to fund a 7th, she can't let it go.

But you're absolutely right in saying if he's adamant (remember He was cool about the scare though) then he had every right to say no, every right.

Notnew
I get it 100% .

What you don't get is that he hasn't said no children ever. He's said no snip and no children now because he's not ready- but 'might' be someday.

You've thrown in another factor which has not been raised- that the snip can cause health problems. That isn't even a conversation these 2 have had. if he had said that I'd have more respect for him having given it some consideration - but he hasn't said that. He's said he doesn't want to be made sterile because in the back of his mind he may want a child one day ( with someone.)
That is totally different. He has all the time in the world to change his mind. Wasn't C Chaplin a father at 80?

And if you want to play the 'risk of vasectomy' card then you need to look at the stats- there is a far greater risk to women through pregnancy than there is to men having the snip, and if you aren't using contraception that is 100% effective ( and none is , though sterilisation comes closest.)

NotNew as an aside - as a GP I have seen countless men who've had vasectomies and none of them have had any problems at all. It is entirely your right to not want kids, but I think you are being rather selfish to expect every partner you have to sort out contraception herself, because you're too scared, on the basis of a handful of anecdotes. Female contraception causes far far far more side effects and health issues than vasectomy. I also think that if you want women to take your absolute refusal to become a father seriously, you have to do something permanent to ensure it never happens ie have a vasectomy. Put your money where your mouth is, so to speak! Otherwise you may have partners speculating about whether you may change your mind. Or they may even just get pregnant anyway.

NotNew - no, not a huge leap, last night the OP said:
I half-jokingly suggested a vasectomy at the beginning of our relationship given that neither of us wanted children. He said no cause he might have a change of heart one day. The thing is, he doesn't say he will definitely never want to have kids. He says: I don't want them now and don't know how I will feel in the future. - he's keeping his option open, he doesn't object to having the snip for medical reasons, but because he wants to keep the option open to have DCs in the future.

The OP is 29, if his "some point in the future" is in 10 years time, then it's with a different woman. He's keeping his options open because he'd quite like the idea of having children one day. That was honest. No one wants to say "you might not be 'the one' although I'm happy with you now."

OP, worth having a frank conversation, if his stance on not having a vasectomy because he'd like the option of being a dad at some point is the same, then ask him why not now, what will chance in 4 years time, (which is if you want more than one is about the limit you can go before starting) or does he think more in terms of 10+ years, at which point, does he realise he's talking about having DCs with someone else? If he's really prepared to entertain that idea, then you best get out now.

sorry, that should read "what will change in 4 years time"

Pinkfrocks no I do not put him on pedestal because in everyday life I forget he's nearly 38 as he looks and behaves 10 years younger. We are equals in the relationship and I've never felt I should look up to him. I wouldn't say he doesn't consider my wishes seriously as in all the other areas, except the 'baby area'.

It's not like we haven't talked to each other. I wouldn't have posted here before having any conversation with him - but it always ends up in me being terribly upset because I can't make him understand how important this is for me and him comforting me without really getting why I am crying. That's why we I think we need to get counselling.

I don't want to talk to my parents about it, that's really the kind of relationship I have with them. I have told my best friend in RL but she's never been in that kind of situation and she may like me too much to be 100% objective.

Isitmylibrarybook I know this post my looks funny on this particular website but I've been reading this forum for a while (Relationships and AIBU mostly) and found that many posters give great advice not necessarily related to children. So I gave it a shot. And I'm glad I did.

Sarnies thank you. I definitely want to make sure he does properly hear me and realises how deep the problem is. I don't want to give up on us too quickly. I have to show him how our future will probably look like as I've already started resenting him and I'm afraid this will only get worse with time. It that fails - well, I guess I will have to take a tough decision.

Jolly - I clearly said in my earlier posting that I am quite prepared to wear condoms for the rest of my life and that I would never expect a female partner to have her tubes tied or take the pill if she didn't wish to. I don't see how that is being rather selfish?

We constantly tell women they are in control of their own bodies. So are men!

There is a regular poster whose name escapes me who has had appalling issues with vasectomy complications and while yes, the statistics are worse for other areas, they are still far greater than people are led to believe. Which is why some of us object when people say that "having the snip" is such a minor procedure. If you knew people who have had serious complications, as I have, you would understand precisely why I am reluctant.

Op, I wonder if, at the beginning of your committed relationship, you had said you were undecided about children - as most 24 year olds are - whether your oh would have stuck around.

Was he relieved or happy?

Notnew condoms are not 100% effective- 97% at best for most people. You ought to know that. And if you are in non-monogamous or short term relationships condoms are par for the course anyway for other reasons.

And not all women like having sex with a man wearing a condom once they are in a monogamous relationship. Which puts the contraceptive ball back in their court.

If you only date women who do not want a child ( same as you) then each of you ought to be doing the best you can to stop one. This means the Pill, sterilisation- much bigger op for a woman- or the snip for a man.

All come with possible side effects and although you may feel you are being responsible, you aren't being as responsible as you could be.

how can I get rid of my desire to have a baby? I need to do it to find peace. Will it fade with time?

This is up to you, really - how to live with whichever choices you make, and whichever circumstances life forces on you. Very, very few women have all the children they want. Many of us (25%) don't have any.

I never had the craving for a child that I've seen in my friends. That is, I assumed their feeling was different from mine, but I felt - and still feel - all the things you've described. My final miscarriage was mid-term, and I still wonder about the woman she'd have been by now. I still let my thoughts ramble over baby names, conversations I might have 'one day' with my growing child, and so on. It does not overshadow my life.

It's one among many things I wanted, but didn't have. My thoughts also ramble over the large company I didn't run, the yacht I didn't own, the affair I didn't have, the speech I didn't make ... But, out of all the things we each keep in our imaginations, I have done more than women who had children. Being childfree grants you vastly more time, money and flexibility. I am not some shadowy half-woman, thwarted by my uterus

I do think it would be a mistake to opt out of reproduction for the sake of a man who'd indicated he will want kids after your fertility has faded. I don't think that man is a considerate partner - in fact, it's such a selfish desire, it borders on cruel. But you need to be clear in your mind that YOUR choice is what to do with YOUR body and life.

Winky I don't know. But he was happy we were on the same page when I said I never wanted kids as he had split up with his ex for the same reason (from what I know, she wanted marriage+children+'settling down', and he didn't)

By the way, we've only used condoms as I don't want to take hormonal contraception (scared of possible health problems) so you could say the contraception is on him.

Erm, if you're relying on condoms only, you are putting it in the lap of the gods to an extent! Have you both acknowledged this fact?

so if the contraception is 'on him' ( ha!) are you happy to , in theory, carry on using condoms for the next 25 -ish years? Age of menopause is 52, so you have some way to go...

This is the first time you have said he has a history of moving on from a relationship where the woman wanted marriage and kids.

How long ago was that? How long were they together?

You are right in that he behaves like a man 10 years younger. Are you saying that with admiration or disapproval?

I wouldn't find a man who behaved like someone 10 years younger very attractive - not at his age. (My DH looks and behaves like a man 15 years younger but he's 60 so that's a real plus for me :))

They had been together for 5 years (I know, just like us at the moment!). Split up about 6 months before we met. Don't know any more details sorry.

I like condoms so that doesn't bother me.

Most of the time I like the fact he seems 10 years younger. Sometimes I despair. Like now.

Love, what pulls at my heart strings is your age.

You are barely older than my eldest DC. It's too young to be learning to live with a choice you don't want.

If you were 40 and he was the same, then perhaps you'd be more sure of what direction to take- if you were 35- 40 you might have 5- 8 years left to have a first child so you would make your mind up sharpish.

But you have 15 years or so to live with this basic urge of wanting a child before it becomes a non-starter.

I think you underestimate how this will eat away at you.

I can tell you another RL story. Man A met woman B when she was early 40 ish. Her ex DH had had a vasectomy without involving her in the decision. She had left him, but didn't meet her next DH ( no children either) until she was early 40s and he was late 40s. They could have tried to squeeze one out but he didn't want to as he felt he was too old and there was always the worry of birth defects with 2 older parents. She lived with that - but she only had to 'live with it' IYSWIM for a couple of years because once she was mid 40s she realised it wasn't going to happen.

But you have years of life ahead of you when you will constantly have to live with your DH's choice.

Don't underestimate how that will feel if you go down that route.

He has as much right to not want a child as do you to want one. There is no compromise in this situation as you can't have half a child. Pressuring somebody into being a parent or issuing an ultimate is not right or fair.

As for "accidentally" getting pregnant as suggested, that's a truly awful thing to do to a person and the subsequent child.

Only you know if you can live with your DH knowing his views, if you can't then leave and you can then both find partners who will respect your views with no pressure.

There are no guarantees in life, you could leave and not meet somebody else likewise there is no certainty that you can get pregnant.

Thats' right but at 29 the odds are that the OP would meet someone and that unless she knows otherwise, she has a good chance of conceiving. These are unknowns for anyone in a relationship or wanting a relationship and children. She can only deal with what she knows- which is that at the moment she has a DH who doesn't want a child.
You can't make good decisions based on the ;what ifs' - you have to make decisions on the information you have at the time.

OP this is so sad.

It reminded me of my friend whose fiance was so against having children. she even had a termination because he said he would leave if she didn't. Eventually he left her for an even younger model. She bumped into him in the shops, on the anniversary of her termination to hear him tell her his new GF was pregnant, wasn't that great? He went on to have 3 DC.

She can never have any, having left it too late. By 38 her egg count was negligible, which happens to many women unfortunately.

This feeling you have, this need to have a child will not go away, it will get stronger. Please don't leave it too late.

Just to add my own story, I met and fell head over heels in love with my ex at the age of 23, we were together for 8.5 years. I always knew I wanted to be a mother, but knew that we would wait for a few years before we started trying as we were both establishing our careers and enjoying our twenties.

He was never as enthusiastic about the prospect as I was, but never entirely shut it down as a possibility. My broodiness grew and grew, and like you I was utterly convinced that he was the ONLY man I could imagine fathering my children. It got to the point where I was half mad with the desire to have a baby, all of our friends started popping them out around in their early thirties, he remained on the fence. I succumbed to depression.

Eventually he dumped me aged 32. I was devastated, the future I'd imagined for us was gone, no children for me. It took me five hellishly long years to properly get over him.

He, of course, met someone else and now has a beautiful little daughter who he adores. The day he told me his partner was pregnant was like being stabbed through the heart, even though I was in a new relationship by this point myself (but believed that at 38 my chances of having children were dead and buried).

Anyway, I have been extremely fortunate as I am currently 5 months pregnant, conceived on my 40th birthday, a lovely surprise, but still tinged with sadness that I wasted 8 of my most fertile years with someone who kept his options open whilst shutting mine down, and that I was complicit in letting it happen.

It will destroy your relationship. Seek couples counselling if you can, get him to hear you and respect your desire for a child. If he won't, then leave him. No relationship is worth making that big a sacrifice for.

Ltb

Ltb is an option

Ltb is your only option

Counselling is your best option. You would be mad to break up without trying joint counselling.

OP, he is listening & does understand when you cry. He just doesn't feel the same way about having a baby as you do. He has finished a LTR because he didn't want children. He hasn't lied or deceived you.

Please listen to what HE is saying.

Sorry if that sounds harsh.

The thing that really gets me about your situation is that he's said he might want children in the future. If he'd said absolutely no way then you could work on that basis and you would know pretty much for sure that if you stay with him there is no chance of children. Instead, he has given you a tiny bit of hope that he might sometime change his mind in the future. That is so so cruel. What if he changes his mind when you're 36 and you find you can't conceive? What if he suddenly leaves you when you're 40 and you're left with no husband and no children? This is not some relatively minor decision like whether to travel to Australia for a year. Having or not having children determines the course of your whole life. He simply cannot put it off and make you hang on without knowing how things will go.