How to get over the fact that I will never have children

[Whereismyb12]

Hi all. Hope to get some benefits from your collective wisdom.

I've been with my DP for nearly 5 years. He is my soul mate. He is the nicest, kindest human being I've known. He is my friend. I really like and respect him. He is the love of my life.

When we met we were both clear that we didn't want to do the 'traditional' stuff: get married, have children, get a dog, buy a house, settle down. We found it boring. We wanted to be together and have fun - live in different countries, follow our hobbies, feel young.

5 years down the line we are married (ok, it came as a surprise to both of us and we did it in a non-traditional way, but still) and in the process of buying a flat! We did it because we wanted it and that's ok. But there is another point on the 'never to do' list which we can't agree on: children.

A desire to have a child literally kicked me in the face (or rather in the uterus) overnight, around 2 years ago. I had always been disgusted/annoyed by kids and suddenly I wanted one! I couldn't get my head around it but the feeling was very strong. I spoke about it to DP: he was quite surprised but honestly responded that he didn't share my feelings and didn't know if he would feel differently one day. We had a similar conversation a few times afterwards and the outcome was always the same: he does not have a paternal instinct, doesn't mind the children of other people (in fact he's very good and caring with his nieces/nephews) but doesn't want his own child. I talked, I reasoned, I tried to persuade him. He seems honest that there is no other reason although I think in his eyes a child may be another step towards this terrifying idea of 'settling down'. Anyway his answer is no. Every conversation ended in me crying so I stopped talking about it but didn't stop longing for it.

Recently I observed some serious pregnancy symptoms. I was convinced that I was either pregnant or seriously ill as the symptoms were so out of the ordinary. I was ecstatic thinking that this could be my dream come true! When I talked to DP about my suspicions he reassured me that we would manage the situation if we were to have a child. He was very calm and supportive. Well, after a few weeks it turned out I wasn't pregnant. Stupid me, getting my hopes up so high.

It was like my own personal disaster. Like if something inside me broke and released the unstoppable desire for a baby that I tried to muffle for the last 2 years. It is constantly screaming inside my head. I can's look at children on the internet or in the street without thinking that I will never experience this. When I'm swimming I can't help thinking it's such a shame I will never teach my child to swim. When I'm running I'm imagining how I run with my daughter. When I see a bee I want to show it to my son and explain the world to him. I just think I have so much to share, WE have so much to share, me and DP, and that parenting would be a fantastic adventure for both of us. He would be an amazing parent as he's very patient and understanding, and young at heart. But we doesn't want to be a parent and I can't make him want it.

I fully respect his right to say no. I feel like this situation is my fault as I am the one who changed rules of the game and he doesn't have to accept them. But I feel so unhappy. I try to behave like before but often I will burst in tears out of nowhere or get snappy with him because sometimes something deep inside me feels that it's his fault I'm unhappy. But then I remind myself that he's not doing it deliberately. Which doesn't really change my situation.

Long introduction but my question is shorter: how can I get rid of my desire to have a baby? I need to do it to find peace. Will it fade with time? Is there anything I can do to persuade myself that this stupid longing for children will not happen so there is no point of focusing on it? Please don't tell me to LTB as this is not an option.

You both sound like you are being great about being so honest and mature and respectful. However I agree with the pp who said that this will destroy your relationship anyway, if you want kids this much and can't have them. It's certainly not right to trap him, so I'd think you need to agree a course together or move on apart.

I think you must consider the future too. I have no way to put this delicately but...even without almost a decade's difference in age, you will most likely outlive him. And you won't have children, or grandchildren.

Not everybody wants them, and even people who have them aren't always close to them. And its certainly possible to live a full life as an older person without DC and GC. But for me, it's something I'd think about.

I will add something to this thread later.

Another question, at 29, I knew I wanted dcs, and thankfully DH did too, we were only a little apart on when would be ideal (I wanted straight away, he wanted to buy a huge money pit house and rebuild it for 2 years then have a baby, we had dc1 when I was 30 and bought a smaller, ready to move into house).

But at 29, when discussing it, I had 1 pregnant friend, none of my other friends where starting families, but then by the time I was 31, 15 friends either had babies or were pregnant.

You said you both changed your mind about getting married, was that around 3 years ago? Because none of my friends were married at 24, by 28, pretty much all of my friends who were in relationships where married or engaged. Around 27 was when my friends who "didn't see the point of marriage" and thought about it in terms of. Wedding day, started realising there were terribly sensible legal and commitment reasons to get married, it's not just a big party!

It sounds like you and your DP had strong ideas about not wanting to be conventional at the point (for you) that you wouldn't be doing it anyway, once you saw others and the benefits, you changed your mind.

It could be you can cope with the idea of being childfree while your friends are, but when they are starting families, it will get harder to contain. Be prepared to lose a lot of friends as it will be hard to be round them once they have a little one and you are trying to contain your urge to have children.

But set your stall out to your DH, he didn't want property or marriage either, and he doesn't clearly want no children ever, or he'd have the snip. He might just need to know it matters to you. (But don't offer to do all the work, you want a family with him, if you are in charge if the dcs and he has no effect on his life, still going out and acting like he's childfree while they are your "job", you'll lose all respect for him, and lack of respect for your partner is deadly to a relationship).

You can raise children in an unconventional way, maybe he could think about it like that. I do understand the desire not to live a Terry-and-June lifestyle. I know lots of parents and they do it in lots of ways. I also know women who are child-free by choice and are happy. That's not you though.

My husband and I used to have the same agreement. He actually insisted that he would never marry or have children. He was upfront about it and told me this in our first few weeks of dating. I told him being cut off to marriage was a deal breaker for me. As I was young I rationalised that a husband I knew and loved was worth a thousand children I have never seen.

We are blissfully happy, but I always saw him with kids and it made me broodie, he's amazing with them, patient and kind. Its an amazingly attractive quality but also something that really made my ovaries kick into overdrive.

A few months ago, I was off the pill for heath reasons we had a genuine accident. He has been amazing about it, to the point where he woke me up trying to use a doppler on my tummy this morning... He's so excited. Yet if that accident had never happened we probably wouldn't be having this baby...

My husband is the kindest and sweetest of men and I love him to bits, and his love for us is more important then something he once wanted for himself.

I'm not sure counselling is what you need.
I'm usually an advocate of counselling but for you, it's more about a complete disagreement over something very fundamental. I'm not sure how talking this over with a 3rd party would help. You need to talk to each other.

Your DH sounds immature for someone of his age.

I'm a mum and one of my DCs is a year younger than you. I would be horrified frankly if they had tied themselves to someone who had such different life goals and they were trying to force themselves to conform to those at the expense of their own feelings. I'd urge them to leave and start again.

Have you discussed this at all with your own parents? It might help to talk to people in real life as well as an anon forum. People in RL will know your DH and be able to give their opinion on him- we don't know him from Adam.

My DH was never super keen on having kids, but he never ruled them out. For him, he says it was all about the right person at the right time. We got married at around 30 and our first DC arrived 2 years later. (That was quite old then- most of my friends had already had their kids.)

In your situation I'd be quite worried if a 38 yr old was still wanting to hang onto this vague idea of 'freedom' . At 28, yes, clearly. At 35 - possibly. At 38- hmm.

One last point- there is a 10 year age gap almost between you.
Do you tend to bow down to his wishes over your own? Do you put him on a pedestal? Do you think of him as 'knowing best' because he's older?
In other words does he dominate the relationship in other ways and your wishes aren't considered seriously? I wonder........

I think you need to be honest with yourself. You say you want a child with him. Not just a child. Is this true? Or is thus just you rationalising away the option of leaving the marriage?
If it is true then there is only one answer. A baby with him is not possible. There is really nothing you can do about that. But if your desire is to have a child then leaving him has to be an option.
He has been fully honest with you (and the reluctance to get a vasectomy reeks of him keeping his options open). You need to be with him. You need to tell him how important this is for you. If it was me I would be telling him I will consider leaving. If I decided to stay and made peace with no children I would expect him to get a vasectomy so he is making the same sacrifice you are.
The chances of regrets are very high here for you. On balance I think not having a child will cause you more regrets and pain than leaving a fundamentally incompatible marriage.

Vanitas said: "You need a serious conversation with him, if he would rather lose you than have a child then frankly, I don't think he can love you in the same way you love him."

There was a very similar posting on a very similar thread last week. And I'm going to say the same thing. It's bullshit. Because it's always "If he REALLY loved you, he'd change his mind" but never "if SHE really loved HIM, she'd change HER mind".

Oh and can I also say, that, as a man, I am very happy to take control of contraception but I would not choose to have a vasectomy because I know several people, including a relative, who had very serious complications. It doesn't mean I am keeping my options, nor would I expect a partner to have her tubes tied or take the pill if she was unhappy about it.

I have also always known I didn't want children. I am now 40 and still don't. I have not denied anyone a child as I have always been upfront and neither have I suddenly, after a partner left me, had an amazing change of mind with a new partner. Just because that has happened with some men does not mean this would necessarily happen with the OPs husband if she left him.

I would also say I have known people split over this - which I can understand - I have also known people leave their partner to try and start a family with another man and never meet that other man, even after 7 or 8 years. At least one of them now wishes they had stayed with their previous partners (all of whom are not single, but not one of whom has had children with new partners).

To answer the question of whether or not someone can "get over" the desire for a child - if you go to forums where people have dealt with infertility, you will find plenty of people who have managed to make their lives enjoyable and fulfilling, despite being childless when they'd wanted children. There are many other things that people can achieve happiness and contentment from.

BUT the crucial difference in these situations is that these couples couldn't have children. They were both "in it together", dealing with their enforced childlessness together, supporting eachother through something they were both unhappy about. But this is not your situation. You are facing having childlessness imposed upon you. So, far from supporting you through the pain of childlessness, your DH will actually be the one who caused the pain. That is the crux of the matter. I believe that no matter how hard you try to tell yourself there is more to life than kids, you will never be able to get past the fact that your husband took your dream away.

I've been with my DP for nearly 5 years. He is my soul mate. He is the nicest, kindest human being I've known. He is my friend. I really like and respect him. He is the love of my life.

Yes, but- you met him at 24. You were very young. With due respect- and you said so yourself- you'd not had another serious relationship. So you have little to compare him with.

In theory there will be a million men on the planet who could also be your 'soul mate'- you simply haven't met them.

And to give you a reality check- he is not nice or kind. He is depriving you of something you want by putting his own wishes first. He is also not saying 'never' ( ie no snip for him) just never for you & him.

You might believe that he is the love of your life but the question is, are you the love of his? And is he as kind and nice as you think?

I agree with NotNewButnameChanged that this is not a test of love. That is way too simplistic. And actually, I think a relationship in which one person will sacrifice themselves so totally to the other's wishes is almost pathological. I wouldn't enjoy being with someone who had given up doing something they desperately wanted to do because of me. I would feel permanently guilty.

When I left my ex I knew I was too old to meet another man in time (I was 36, and tests had shown my childbearing years were seriously numbered), so I used a sperm donor. I am still single 10 years later. My ex is happily married to a woman who doesn't want kids either. However, I have no regrets about leaving him.

In fact, my only regrets are that I spent years in various relationships that were going nowhere. But that's a whole different thread!

You need to make sure he knows how much you want a child- my DP didn't realsie that when i said i wanted one I really menat it until he found me in tears over it- and like your DP he was around 37 when he was still saying he didn't want one now (i think he saw children as something to do when he grew up and liked to hang on to the illusion he was still young/child).
You do have time on your side to a degree - you could wait and see if he changes his mind- i suspect the issue will start to undermine your relationship over time.
A female friend of mine was in a similar boat but the otherside- she really didn't think she wanted a baby at all- her DH did- they kept agreeing to defer the decision- eventually she did have a baby but her views hadn't changed up to that point- it was more that she wanted to stay with him and she wanted him to be a father and to be happy more than any mindshift herself- and it may be that this happens to your DP

Pinkfrocks makes a good point, he's not taken the decision he never wants to have children, as he's not had the snip, time to have a conversation, if he's still against having the snip but maintaining your stanse of no children together, he's clearly made the decision that he does think at some point he'll have children, just not with you, therefore he's not planning on being with you forever.

Don't give up your chance to have children for a man who might spend the rest of his life with you, but also is not averse to the idea of being with someone else...

One of my friends left a man she loved very much because he didn't want more children (he already had a daughter); and yes, she is still single and also has never had the right thing. But I still think she did the right thing. She didn't want a relationship with someone who didn't want more children with her.

My partner and his girlfriend split up in their 20s because she wanted kids and he didn't. Yes, many many years and several relationships later he changed his mind. But she'd already happily had several of her own by then.

I agree with Igggi if the problem is a general fear of settling down, you really don't have to as much as you think. You don't have to move to the suburbs and get a 9-5 job and never travel again that's what a lot of people do but it's not a law or anything.

I don't think we're particularly unconventional but -- we live in the middle of Berlin, my husband sells cheese, I write. DS goes to a very bohemian preschool, we do lots of geeky things together, we still travel and enjoy life. We've lived in three countries so far, we'll never buy property as we wander around too much. I do not feel very tied down at all.

You have people backpacking around the world with their kids, or raising them on canal boats.

So I would suggest you really explain to him the depth of your feelings, but also get a sense of what is holding him back. If it's fear of settling down, talk about how you might do things more unconventionally. What does he still want to do in life that kids would interfere with? Is it travel, work? Is he afraid you might become a different person or something?

I kind of suspect this isn't the real reason, if he was willing to get married and buy property. But it's worth exploring.

Fragile also makes a good point! Is having children a bit like getting married and buying a property, something that grown ups do - and he's a great big manchild?

Is he the sort of man who needs his hand held and convinced he's not really turning into his dad before he'll do anything 'grown up'? My now DH did have a bit of a wobble after years working overseas in various dotcoms/ creative start ups, he moved to London to be with me, got a job in a bank so had to wear a suit (rather than go to work in shorts and batman t-shirts) and commuted by train to the City daily, and suddenly he had a panic he was turning into his dad...

Pink You don't get it, do you? That your argument doesn't work because you can't have it both ways.

You say HE is not nice and kind but selfish because HE won't give up HIS desire to have a childfree life and give his wife what SHE wants. Although he has been open and honest since day one.

How about SHE is being equally selfish and unkind and not nice if SHE doesn't give up HER desire to have a family life and give her husband what HE wants? Because she changed her mind.

See? It doesn't work. It's nothing to do with love or someone loving the other enough to give up their own wants. There is a fundamental incompatibility - not one that was there to begin with, to be fair.

NEITHER of them are wrong and it is completely out of order to pin blame on a partner for NOT disregarding their feelings or wishes. I don't believe anyone on this forum thinks a woman should give up her desires or wants simply because that's what a man thinks she should do and it damn well should apply the other way around.

Yoy will regret it forever if you do not have the child you want so much. I fell pregnant by surprise having never been very interested in having children and I am overwhelmed by how glad I am that she is here. Talk hard to your dh about how much you want this and how difficult your relationship will become. He might not think he wants children now but he will be very glad if he does become a dad.

Mary - Jesus Christ, there's a huge leap. You said that because he doesn't want the snip that "he's clearly made the decision that he does think at some point he'll have children, just not with you, therefore he's not planning on being with you forever."

For fuck's sake. I've already posted here, as a man, that I have chosen not to have the snip because, despite what you often read on MN, there are more complications with the snip than people think. It in no way means that I want to have children later in life or that I wouldn't be committed to a partner.

Slightly you just said: "He might not think he wants children now but he will be very glad if he does become a dad."

And you know this HOW????? Do you have a crystal ball?

Not New I get what your saying.

BUT a woman's urge to have children is DIFFERENT, it is, its all consuming,a very strong primal urge.

It's not making a decision, we have no choice!

Find this so sad op, I can't come and tell you to just leave him it's not that simple when you love some one. I have no advice really other than talk to him, talk to him about everything your feeling, everything you've said on here, and everything you've read. Cry your heart out to him, he has to see how much it really means to you.
Tell him your scared you'll end up bitter and resenting him and you don't want to because you love him but that's how much you want a baby.
He may still say he doesn't want children and you might not get through this together if he doesn't but it needs to be talked about and talked about until you can come to some sort of agreement together.
Finger crossed for you and I hope it all works out.