How to get over the fact that I will never have children

[Whereismyb12]

Hi all. Hope to get some benefits from your collective wisdom.

I've been with my DP for nearly 5 years. He is my soul mate. He is the nicest, kindest human being I've known. He is my friend. I really like and respect him. He is the love of my life.

When we met we were both clear that we didn't want to do the 'traditional' stuff: get married, have children, get a dog, buy a house, settle down. We found it boring. We wanted to be together and have fun - live in different countries, follow our hobbies, feel young.

5 years down the line we are married (ok, it came as a surprise to both of us and we did it in a non-traditional way, but still) and in the process of buying a flat! We did it because we wanted it and that's ok. But there is another point on the 'never to do' list which we can't agree on: children.

A desire to have a child literally kicked me in the face (or rather in the uterus) overnight, around 2 years ago. I had always been disgusted/annoyed by kids and suddenly I wanted one! I couldn't get my head around it but the feeling was very strong. I spoke about it to DP: he was quite surprised but honestly responded that he didn't share my feelings and didn't know if he would feel differently one day. We had a similar conversation a few times afterwards and the outcome was always the same: he does not have a paternal instinct, doesn't mind the children of other people (in fact he's very good and caring with his nieces/nephews) but doesn't want his own child. I talked, I reasoned, I tried to persuade him. He seems honest that there is no other reason although I think in his eyes a child may be another step towards this terrifying idea of 'settling down'. Anyway his answer is no. Every conversation ended in me crying so I stopped talking about it but didn't stop longing for it.

Recently I observed some serious pregnancy symptoms. I was convinced that I was either pregnant or seriously ill as the symptoms were so out of the ordinary. I was ecstatic thinking that this could be my dream come true! When I talked to DP about my suspicions he reassured me that we would manage the situation if we were to have a child. He was very calm and supportive. Well, after a few weeks it turned out I wasn't pregnant. Stupid me, getting my hopes up so high.

It was like my own personal disaster. Like if something inside me broke and released the unstoppable desire for a baby that I tried to muffle for the last 2 years. It is constantly screaming inside my head. I can's look at children on the internet or in the street without thinking that I will never experience this. When I'm swimming I can't help thinking it's such a shame I will never teach my child to swim. When I'm running I'm imagining how I run with my daughter. When I see a bee I want to show it to my son and explain the world to him. I just think I have so much to share, WE have so much to share, me and DP, and that parenting would be a fantastic adventure for both of us. He would be an amazing parent as he's very patient and understanding, and young at heart. But we doesn't want to be a parent and I can't make him want it.

I fully respect his right to say no. I feel like this situation is my fault as I am the one who changed rules of the game and he doesn't have to accept them. But I feel so unhappy. I try to behave like before but often I will burst in tears out of nowhere or get snappy with him because sometimes something deep inside me feels that it's his fault I'm unhappy. But then I remind myself that he's not doing it deliberately. Which doesn't really change my situation.

Long introduction but my question is shorter: how can I get rid of my desire to have a baby? I need to do it to find peace. Will it fade with time? Is there anything I can do to persuade myself that this stupid longing for children will not happen so there is no point of focusing on it? Please don't tell me to LTB as this is not an option.

Don't romanticise and tell yourself what an "amazing" parent he would be.
He wouldn't be; because he doesn't want children. Your options are clear. Not easy, but clear.

Oh and OP, lots of people when they are young think they don't want to be so dull and conventional as their parents and everyone else, that they are free spirits and want to lead a different path, then bit by bit, they realise why everyone else does stuff that way, that being married is a good idea, that buying a property rather than renting is a sound financial decision often that children aren't these terrible things that ruin your lives but give it meaning....

You sound like that bit by bit, you've just grown up and decided you want a normal life after all. He will take bits of it, but if he really doesnt want children and settled life, then he's not capable of keeping you happy long term, he just isn't the right man for you.

Revolted by the post on here suggesting you trap this poor man with a baby that he doesn't want. In no way is that fair on him or the child. You would have to be a totally selfish person to even consider that with no love or respect for your partner or a potential baby.

I'm sorry that you are still getting so many LTB posts OP. You have said it isn't an option for you. How old are you?

If leaving him really isn't an option then you need to consider carefully how you plan to deal with your desire for children, you won't be able to muffle it I'm afraid, it will be a constant painful struggle especially as friends and family around you have children. You must try very very hard not to become bitter, or it will ruin your relationship anyway if you start to resent him for not giving you what you want.

Please also keep in mind that if you did accidentally become pregnant it could also ruin your relationship as well. Lots and lots of relationships break down under the pressure of a child, it will change your entire mindset and priorities as well as your lifestyle and finances. It would be an even larger strain on your relationship in your case as the baby is only wanted 100%, by one of you.

Also for the sake of the potential child remember that it is better to regret never having had a child than to regret having had one.

I don't want to say LTB but how about showing him this post and the responses? He may not realise just how much it means to you, and it sounds like when you thought you were pregnant he was prepared to cope with the idea, so he may be more flexible than you think. Otherwise I don't think the situation will go away, and if you insist on staying with him, you may end up resenting him and destroy the relationship anyway. Imagine if that happened and you broke up and he went on to have kids with someone else, while it wad too late for you? All I'm saying is, don't kid yourself that this will go away. You must convey to him how strongly you feel, or it could destroy what you have together.

OMG are you me??!

I could have written your post word for word two years ago. I felt very strongly that I was in the wrong as I'd changed the rules. After all, he had been totally frank from Day 1. And for years we'd both been on the same page then suddenly I changed, and it wasn't fair. We had a great life, and here I was broody. I felt like a right cow! How unfair of me! How irrational!

We had a ton of conversations about it where he said very nicely that nothing had changed for him, but that if I were to find myself pregnant then of course we'd cope. It just wasn't something he wanted for himself.

Looking back, I was so busy being "fair" to him, and feeling guilty, that I was basically negating my own needs.

So for months I just tried to get over it.

Then one day, I'll never forget it, I was shopping in town and as I walked around was brooding on my broodiness as usual. Feeling massively guilty as usual. Then something snapped and suddenly I got really pissed off with myself and said out loud "OMG YOU SOUND LIKE A F*ING VICTIM!!"

And I stomped around town getting more and more irate with how apologetic I'd become. And I stomped home and I stomped into the kitchen and said "I want a baby, and I'm not going to apologise for that! And I want you to agree to try! So what do you say???!"

And to my utter shock he went "..........OK...."

He said he didn't want to be the cause of my bitterness later on. He felt that my being resentful of him would be infinitly worse than us having a child.

Here we are and I'm now 7 months pregnant. He was very supportive since that day and he has gradually come around. Now he can talk baby for hours and is genuinely sentimental about the idea.

I do not know what your husbands reaction will be. But I do think you need to stop feeling guilty and big fat OWN your need. And stop apologising for it. Stop snivelling and start driving your own life. If you will resent him forever? That makes this very much his relationship problem too, not just your problem. And he needs to realise the magnitude of that. No more apologies.

I agree, it depends how old you are.

Personally I would be hesitant to choose a partner over a baby, given what, half of marriages end in divorce? I know you think yours won't but of course no one ever thinks it will be them.

Imagine giving up a baby for him, then 15 years later you split up anyway. The regret you are trying to rationalise away now is nothing compared to what you would feel.

But if you are only like 25 then I would just give it time.

AbsolutelyCrushed has given you excellent advice in her post. You do have a decision to make and I agree that it would help to have some time away from him to make it.

I thought what Lonny did too - I am afraid his 'we'll manage the situation' didn't mean what you hoped, it is more likely to have meant that once you calmed down you would agree with him that the pregnancy should be terminated. You could ask him to clarify that as one way of advancing down the road of a decision about this painful situation.

Give him an ultimatum. Unless he agrees to have a child then you will leave. Why should you put aside your natural longing for a baby which might never go away. Lots of people change their minds about children. Sometimes men aren't that keen but most of them step up to the mark when the time comes.

I think your age is relevant. From just one perspective based on personal experience though. I can have children, DH cannot. I cannot wait until I'm too old to have children because occasionally the need rears it's head. I can control it because I have children. But if I didn't I think it would be unbearable. I have felt like this for many years now. DH does not know. It is an exhausting thing to control.

He sounds quite young- this idea that marriage, mortgages and babies are a chore. You also sound quite young too in the way you think he'd be a good dad because he's 'young at heart'- as if you still have the mindset that all dads are a bit staid.

It all depends on how sure he is about this. And the honest answer is he may not know- just like you have had a change of heart.

If he is absolutely sure he never wants kids how's about you suggest he has a vasectomy?

Be interesting to see if he hesitates over that.

TOTALLY agree with AnnaRose that you should take seriously your needs and not feel guilty about changing your mind. People grow, mature, and change. Few 20 year olds are desperate for a baby. Many 30 year olds are. This is not something abnormal you are feeling. Be honest with him. The worst that can happen is that he's adamant about not having kids, and then you'll have to choose between him and a baby. Which is what you're trying to do now, but without the heart to heart chat.

You don't want to leave him, you love him, he loves you, and you have built your life together for the last 5 years.

My situation was different (I already had a dc from a previous relationship) but when my dp and I got together we thought we knew where we were headed.... And then, WHAM! something got me and I desperately wanted a child; his child.

One mad weekend I even thought I heard him say 'ok - let's do this' (well maybe he did, but we were probably thinking different things at that moment ) For a few days I thought I was pregnant. I was worried, and he was fine. But I wasn't pregnant.

I longed, and longed, and longed for him to want a child, to suggest that we try for a baby. My hormones were driving me wild.

But he didn't. And my feelings subsided. And at the moment I sit here tonight and look at him across the room and I am glad for every part of our relationship. I can truly say that I would rather be here on this grey and rainy evening with him in my life - with his joy, his sense of humour, his intelligence, the depth of his humanity and goodness, than to be on my own, possibly on a dating site (maybe posting on mumsnet about it ) hoping desperately to meet someone I could love and trust, and laugh with and cry with, and yes even have babies with.

I would rather be with my lovely dh as we sit her in silent companionship, or when we take our lives in our hands and try surfing, than be alone with a small child (and with no-one else to share that responsibility).

For me, my one in the hand is certainly worth more than two in the bush (even if those two were babies). There is no guarantee of love, or of being able to have children. You have love, you have found it with your dh - that is worth everything. Maybe, in addition to that love, you can one day have a child.... but what you have now is the foundation for your life.

Kids are a chore. They are hard work, they are boring and they do completely change - often I would say wreck - your life. Nobody should feel they have to have them...

...except that you do want them. And having been in your situation myself, I think you have to do what I didn't; make it clear, and then leave this relationship if your partner doesn't agree.

He may change his mind, one day - but that may be much later on. By which time you will, I hope, have kids of your own.

Forgot to mention, after my DH agreed, he said something very wise that has really stuck with me.

He said "So what if it was our plan? Does that mean you're never allowed to change?"

People change - and plans must change accordingly. We can't keep ourselves rigidly the same for decades for fear of upsetting The Holy Plan.

Venus- it is TOTALLY different if you already have a child from another relationship.

OP - suggest a vasectomy as the best route for him.
If he is certain, he will take up the option though be interesting to see what happened in the counselling before the snip- if he's very young they would possibly refuse anyway- but that would be an interesting discussion for him to have with other people, rather than you.

Another thought, while he might go along with having a baby because it's what you want and he doesn't want to lose you, if he's not 100% behind the idea, he won't be a good dad.

Being a good dad isn't just about being young at heart, being fun, being the one who goes "it's a sunny weekend, let's go camping!" But being the one who at 3am gets up when the toddler has had a nightmare, who comes home early from work when you are throwing up and the baby needs looking after. The one who does discipline too, who does bath time while you recover from a too long day, who makes sure the changing bag is packed, will change stinky nappies etc.

There are lots of childfree men who are really fun uncles, but being a good dad is being there for the crap bits too, and never, ever saying "this was your idea" or leaves it to you, because it's what you wanted, not him.

Venus, it's a completely different situation when you already have children.

I think your resentment will kill the love you have for your DH.

Please don't buy a property with him whilst this is undecided.

I agree he sounds young (? Late 20's?) & may not be ready.

But sometimes us women are just bad at hearing what we don't want to.

Have you told him, in the words you use in your OP, how physically and emotionally overwhelming the desire is. That it's not just a change of heart, but something biological has kicked in and it's overwhelming and world changing.

Saying to him anything less than the brutal emotional truth isn't giving you or him a fair chance of figuring out whether he truly feels this way and would risk totally alienating you before agreeing to address this to a close. Does he truly know how much misery you could be risking if you stay and never get that family?

I agree that age is a factor. I also agree with the poster (I'm on my phone) whose DH said that plans change.

Think seriously if he maintains his position. I'm not saying it never happens but 'getting over' these huge biological urges is never going to be easy. You may end up resenting him so much that the relationship is ruined anyway. If I thought that would happen I'd want to walk away on better terms.

The maternal urge you talk of brings back how I felt before my dd1 was conceived and to a lesser extent I had a similar urge for a second child. It is very strong and real. I agree with the pp who said you should stop apologising and own your need. It's not a bad thing that you've changed your mind, it's not your fault that you've had a change of heart. Stop feeling to blame. If you are truly soul mates, best friends etc your dh should perhaps be more understanding and open minded. Your maternal urge is aost animalistic- it has simply switched itself on, it's what makes the human race continue!! Some women don't feel it, others do. You had no way of knowing how strongly you'd feel it 5 years ago.

Surely he won't lose you over this?

I think a truly happy marriage is hard to find and worth compromising on but how far do you want to go?

There is no guarantee that you would meet someone else who you could be as happy with who also wants tobe a pparent

The only way to get over it is to accept that the course of your life is being dictated by someone else and that in 5-10 years time, when you can no longer have children, he could turn around and suddenly decide he wants children after all and fuck off into the wild blue yonder with miss20something who isn't past it.

He sounds immature. If you're willing to give up your dream for his immature wishes, so be it, but the chances that you will regret it are huge.

Don't have a child with someone who doesn't want one, for your sake as much as the baby's. You won't get the support you need and there's a higher chance that you'll lose him anyway (and, if he has shared access, less time with the baby you so wanted).

I know how bad the urge to have a child is. I almost broke up with my husband because I wanted one and he didn't. I hung on for years after I should have done. In the end we had one. He did very little to help (hence my advice above) and in the end we split up. It was definitely a contributing factor.

Now I have a DP I've been with for quite a while. Having not wanted more kids when we got together, I now want to carry his child. Badly. Time and health are not on my side (c40 with a long term condition) and he is adamant about not wanting more. I waver between calling it a day and staying with him. Daily. It's no way to live. I know if I was younger, healthy and won the lottery I'd be down the sperm bank like a Jack Russell after a rabbit.

Thank you for all your replies. I appreciate all of them, including those telling me to leave. You are really helpful. I am reading your answers and with each one of them thinking: 'how would I feel following this advice?'. I have to clarify one thing though: when I look inside me, I can see that I don't just simply want a child/children. I want to have them with him. I want to have a family for us, and not just for myself, and this is because I love him. That's why I don't even consider leaving him in order to have a child on my own/with someone else. Writing this down has actually made me realise that my choice is very simple: having him without children or not having anything at all. I'll go for the first option. I do believe in unconditional love (and yes, this may be naive, but at this stage of my life I really do) and commitment, solving problems together and keeping promises. This is the man I promised to love no matter what and I intend to keep this promise. I could never conceive a child behind his back as 1. I respect him, and 2. I wouldn't want him to do it to me if the situation was reversed.

Quitelikely I agree with you that DP may not realise the extent of my feelings. I am quite shy when it comes to expressing feeling which make me vulnerable so he may be a bit in the dark here. I told him I would get some counselling as I considered this to be my problem really but maybe you're right MomeRaths and we should get some help as a couple. Maybe then I will be able to make these feelings fade away like Crushed says.

Lonny it was a 'We'll manage raising a child together' kind of support.

lunar If he changed his mind and it was too late, I would seriously consider killing him and getting rid of the body (you can see I don't have a problem with expressing 'strong' feelings like anger )

Pinfrocks The pregnancy symptoms arrived 2 days after the pregnancy scare and felt very real (like nothing I experienced before, very physical iyswim). But then I had my period. And a negative test. So no idea what it was.

By the way, I'm 29, DP is nearly 38 (behaving and looking 10 years less, hence the 'settling down' fear maybe?)

IMo you are being a very silly girl.

He sounds very immature.

But if he didn't want kids even at 34 when you met then he sounds pretty determined not to have any ever- or not with you anyway.

Take note of the women here who have said he may one day and leave you high and dry and 39 when he's happy to find a younger model when he has his mid life crisis.

Sorry- but I think you are now minimising your feelings so you 'fit' with some romantic dream rather than the reality of your life with this man.