How to get over the fact that I will never have children

[Whereismyb12]

Hi all. Hope to get some benefits from your collective wisdom.

I've been with my DP for nearly 5 years. He is my soul mate. He is the nicest, kindest human being I've known. He is my friend. I really like and respect him. He is the love of my life.

When we met we were both clear that we didn't want to do the 'traditional' stuff: get married, have children, get a dog, buy a house, settle down. We found it boring. We wanted to be together and have fun - live in different countries, follow our hobbies, feel young.

5 years down the line we are married (ok, it came as a surprise to both of us and we did it in a non-traditional way, but still) and in the process of buying a flat! We did it because we wanted it and that's ok. But there is another point on the 'never to do' list which we can't agree on: children.

A desire to have a child literally kicked me in the face (or rather in the uterus) overnight, around 2 years ago. I had always been disgusted/annoyed by kids and suddenly I wanted one! I couldn't get my head around it but the feeling was very strong. I spoke about it to DP: he was quite surprised but honestly responded that he didn't share my feelings and didn't know if he would feel differently one day. We had a similar conversation a few times afterwards and the outcome was always the same: he does not have a paternal instinct, doesn't mind the children of other people (in fact he's very good and caring with his nieces/nephews) but doesn't want his own child. I talked, I reasoned, I tried to persuade him. He seems honest that there is no other reason although I think in his eyes a child may be another step towards this terrifying idea of 'settling down'. Anyway his answer is no. Every conversation ended in me crying so I stopped talking about it but didn't stop longing for it.

Recently I observed some serious pregnancy symptoms. I was convinced that I was either pregnant or seriously ill as the symptoms were so out of the ordinary. I was ecstatic thinking that this could be my dream come true! When I talked to DP about my suspicions he reassured me that we would manage the situation if we were to have a child. He was very calm and supportive. Well, after a few weeks it turned out I wasn't pregnant. Stupid me, getting my hopes up so high.

It was like my own personal disaster. Like if something inside me broke and released the unstoppable desire for a baby that I tried to muffle for the last 2 years. It is constantly screaming inside my head. I can's look at children on the internet or in the street without thinking that I will never experience this. When I'm swimming I can't help thinking it's such a shame I will never teach my child to swim. When I'm running I'm imagining how I run with my daughter. When I see a bee I want to show it to my son and explain the world to him. I just think I have so much to share, WE have so much to share, me and DP, and that parenting would be a fantastic adventure for both of us. He would be an amazing parent as he's very patient and understanding, and young at heart. But we doesn't want to be a parent and I can't make him want it.

I fully respect his right to say no. I feel like this situation is my fault as I am the one who changed rules of the game and he doesn't have to accept them. But I feel so unhappy. I try to behave like before but often I will burst in tears out of nowhere or get snappy with him because sometimes something deep inside me feels that it's his fault I'm unhappy. But then I remind myself that he's not doing it deliberately. Which doesn't really change my situation.

Long introduction but my question is shorter: how can I get rid of my desire to have a baby? I need to do it to find peace. Will it fade with time? Is there anything I can do to persuade myself that this stupid longing for children will not happen so there is no point of focusing on it? Please don't tell me to LTB as this is not an option.

How could any nice person plan for a "happy accident". It's not an accident in the slightest but a huge deceit to the person you supposedly love. The man then gets no choice a he can't force a termination yet believed contraception was in place. Should he deceive the women in future in any way he would of course be the bad guy yet the woman is a saint

cailindana - I fell in love with a kind man. If he ever hit me/cheated on me that would mean he's not the kind person I thought he was thus I wouldn't love him any more. I would leave without looking back.

I am totally honest about our decisions regarding marriage/property. I think he was the one who mentioned marriage (and I agreed it was a great idea) and I suggested buying our place (and he happily accepted).

I started this thread because I feel unhappy in my life now to the point of needing to do something about it. I will try to do what I can to make us both happy. If that fails, I will have to decide what else to do.

It think you can have hope. It seems there is not a definite 'Not ever' answer. Counselling should help him see just how very important this is to you, to help him think through his objections and to help you both communicate about it. So glad he has agreed....I think it is a big step forward.
Take it a step at a time. You dont know what will come out of the counselling sessions. Until you have had those and explored every possibility, it is too soon to be thinking about leaving or resigning yourself to no children. The communication between you about this is still open and there is no final decision yet. Perhaps have a go at writing down how you feel about it all....it might help you say it more clearly in counselling.

And I remain amazed by how easily people suggest you just walk away from him. I guess lots of people place a low value on marriage and lifetime commitment. I realise that the baby thing is a big, big deal for women and can be a relationship breaker....but it does not have to be in every case and the communication between these 2 people is still open if both are willing to go to counselling. I just think that sometimes there can be a way through if we are willing to try hard enough to find it, but many people seem keen to give up without trying every avenue. It is wise not to be too hasty in making life changing decisions. These might have to be made at a later point, but not yet.

I'm glad to hear it Whereis. I hope it all works out well for you, it would be great to have an update when things have moved on.

I have lurked through this thread, but just re read your original post.

You cannot get rid of the desire to have a baby, it's biology. It will probably just get stronger and stronger. Your resentment will get worse and worse.

I second the 6 months thing, but tbh, unless he agrees, it will destroy your relationship as the resentment you feel will eventually corrode it.

You need to tell him this

Op
Can you see the inequality in your relationship?
Although he is older, you seem to be the more mature ( in some ways, not all.)

I'm a bit worried about the 'family money' which enabled you to buy a flat ( which you said was your suggestion.)
Presumably this means he got to 38 with no real assets? Not being able to buy a home at 38 is not unusual for anyone living in the SE or London, but if you are not in this location then I'd question why he hadn't been able to put down some roots. (Unless he had owned a property with his former partner.)

But the point I am making is that the cash for this flat appears to have come from your side (??)
If it was his presumably you'd have said' he came into some money and suggested we buy something'.

So you were driving it as you are now driving wanting a baby.

This would worry me because rightly or wrongly if my man was almost a decade older ( and I've had a relationship with someone 14 yrs older) then I'd expect them to be more mature and maybe even taking the lead.

Your marriage sounded a bit impulsive and I do wonder if he was really ready for that ???

Please don't think counselling is going to give you an ally. I have had counselling 4 times over the years and have several friends who are counsellors as well as friends in counselling right now. There is no way a counsellor will take sides. They will give you space and a controlled setting to talk to each other. They will ask him why he is reluctant to have a child now and it will be interesting for you to hear his answers to a 3rd person. Sometimes the obstacles we invent in our minds can seem rather trivial when aired publicly so that may work in your favour. But don't have huge expectations that counselling will 'do the trick' because it may not.

Everything counts -have you never heard of Liz jones's trick (turned the condom inside out after sex, put it inside her. It earned her the nickname 'Giz Loans'!!!!!!!!

Yes, counselling isn't a magic solution that will get him to agree to your point of view: he may understand it better, but not necessarily agree with it.

I also agree with Chaseface's point that you can have five years, happy ones, with a person and then move on when you reach a point in your lives when you want different things (or just a bit of variety). The man I live with now would never have made me happy at 24, but at 51 we are both very different people from the ones we were then!

Pink - he owns a property which is currently rented as in different town to where we live (he used to live there), he's still paying off the mortgage. The family money covers the deposit and yes it is a gift from my side of the family. We had talked in the past about buying the place we're currently renting and the cash from family gave us the opportunity to apply for a mortgage.

Marriage was indeed impulsive but I assume we were both in it (he suggested it first and was happy to go along, I wasn't pushing him into it, so why would I doubt his intentions?)

I am really not looking for an ally in the counselling. I just hope what you say will happen - we will be able to address our feelings in a neutral environment and I will get to know if he's really just not into having children as he says (in this case I cannot do anything, I can't force him to parent a child against his wishes) or there is any underlying problem he doesn't want to acknowledge but solving it could change his position. I also want him to fully realize what my feelings are and then decide what he wants to do. Seriously. I am not looking for a bullying buddy to make my DH feel awful.

I think what would be helpful from counseling is to sort of normalise your feelings. At the moment you seem to feel guilty about wanting a child, because you changed your mind and because it's not what your DH wants. I hope this thread has shown a bit that your feelings are completely natural. Just because your DH, as you put it, doesn't seem to understand where you're coming from, doesn't mean your feelings aren't valid.

If you go into your decision-making thinking you're wrong and your DH is right, you are going to have a hard time being true to yourself and doing what's best for you. Better to think that neither of you is really wrong, just not on the same page right now.

Enchanted Forest - we don't really talk about it very much now as I don't think it helps to dwell on things all the time, but if I am really struggling I usually mention it. Haven't mentioned how I am feeling re my friend as things are a bit stressful at moment, and don't want to add another thing into the mix - we have recently moved house and one of our pets was sadly run over and died. But i will prob mention it at some time in the future.
I know deep down that he will not change his mind but sometimes i daydream that he does and we do have children and how great that would be. But like another poster wrote, i also have times when I dream about the book I will write and become a top author, or my own sewing business etc etc.
A few months ago DH's sister had her first baby, and I struggled through much of her pregnancy and the first few times seeing baby. I sat down with DH and said that although we said definately no children a few years before, it was something i really wanted and was struggling re SIL etc, is it something we could tr? for? He was very sympathetic and supportive but said unfortunately he has not changed his views. I said I understood but I felt that I had to ask again, to make sure. He has mentioned getting a vasectomy several times, so he seems very clear in his head. But I have said that i would like to wait a few months, to get my head round the absolute finality of it all (although logically I know its final, my heart just needs a little more time).
It does cause some awkwardness at times, as I know he feels guilty for not feeling the same, and I feel bad bringing things up again, but mostly I feel that we are both supportive and sympathetic to the other person's point of view. The one thing I do struggle with at times, is seeing his life tick along exactly as he wants it, whilst I struggle with the loss, sometimes I see it as 'his fault' even though I know it isn't anyone's fault - it's just one of those things! Hoping things continue moving forward, past all of this

I feel for you ....and if he thinks that the counselling is for you to 'gain an alli' then he couldn't be more wrong.

Counselling may encourage him to look at the reasons he is reticent to have a child. However, if his choice and mindset remains the same then please think about the massive compromise you could be making in your life by not choosing to follow your heart.

I have a friend in a very similar position she is now 43 and resentful within her marriage.

Hope you both work things out....

OP, you have been given some great advice on this thread. Please don't feel guilty about what your heart wants. It's very natural. You talk as if you have betrayed some kind of commitment to a child free life together with your DH, but I don't think that's the case. What people want changes over the years, and that is healthy and normal. I didn't even think about children until I was around 30, and in a happy and stable relationship. Previous to then, I never thought I would be a very good mother because of my family history and poor relationship choices. I was in a very different head space at 31 than I was at 24.

Your DH does sound a little immature, but it's easy to get a skewed impression of someone when your reading a relationships thread about all the OP's frustrations.

I hope that the counseling is helpful in clarifying the situation. Once you have a better understanding of where things stand exactly, you'll be in a better position to decide what to do.

I think the best bit of advice you were given is to ask your DP how he would feel if the price of staying with you was to give up his artistic pursuits. Not because his enthusiasm for whatever it is he does is wicked and selfish, nor because you want to punish him for not wanting children as much as you do, but as a way to help him understand both how you feel and how he actually feels.
I've seen threads on here before from women who are dating (or married to) men who are artists/musicians/writers and passionate about what they do, and the women are asking for ways to make the men spend less time on the art and either commit to marriage or agree to parenthood. There is nothing wrong with prioritizing an interest over both couplehood and parenthood to the extent that you would rather stay single and childfree. It is a mistake to try to persuade someone with a particular passion that the marriage-and-baby progression is compulsory and not to want it is to be immature or a failure or a wicked person. If you successfully push such a man into marrying you and having DC you will end up with a miserable, resentful family life on both sides - either you will manage to make him give up or sideline his art and he will mourn for it, or he will continue to pursue it, leaving you with the bulk of the childcare, becauswe he told you what he was like and yet you will resent him.

You are not wrong to want children. He is not wrong to not want them. Neither of you were wrong in beginning your relationship and having enjoyed it but most relationships have a limited lifespan and this one may well be at the end of its lifespan because you now have different aims and desires and goals. A partner relationship is the one that should always be sacrificed over others BTW because it's the easiest one eithr to replace or to do without.

whereismyb12 Well done you -- this is a great outcome for now. He has agreed to talk things through with a counselor which is really positive which ever way things eventually go. I am feeling positive vibes for you...

Either he can be persuaded (I think this v likely with his concerns that you and the counselor will change his mind) - or he respects your feelings deeply and wants to give you the best closure.

If he is worried that there is some bias / conspiracy ask him to book the counselor direct. If you do Relate - you are assigned a random counselor.

So get on it asap and make sure you both go to at least 6 sessions. Sometimes you feel that you have said it all in the first session but things come out over time....and help you come to terms with situations or to dismiss long held beliefs. When you are there listen let the counselor lead dont feel you need to fill in silent gaps....let him get out his feelings. I have an uncommunicative husband and when we went to relate - my thoughts were that he has heard my ranting for years but nothing has changed so I dont need to say it all again I forced him to speak as he would respond to the counselor and if she addressed us together I would defer to him to answer he was v uncomfortable.

What is his main reason for not wanting children?

What age are his circle of friends his or yours?...do they have children?

Aren't you slightly worried about the fact that he owns a house and has now bought somewhere with you?

Who owns his house that is rented- just him, or both of you?

From a legal point of view,presumably he made it clear that he already has a mortgage , because I'm assuming the flat you have now bought is in joint names and you each contribute to the mortgage? Or is it only in your name?

I'd be worried that he was keeping his other house as a bolt hole if your relationship didn't work out. Unless it makes sense financially to keep it and use it as a long term investment, then why didn't he sell up and put the equity towards the flat you are buying now?

Have you considered that he might be thinking of it as an escape route or did you discuss together and agree what was best for this asset?

It just seems odd that someone who professes to be a free spirit on the one hand keeps a house and rents it out, on the other, and provides him both with an income from the rent ( I assume it covers the mortgage at least) and provides a potential home for him if your marriage goes belly up.

For someone who is fundamentally opposed to being "tied down" in any way, he seems to be acquiescing all the trappings of a more settled life, i.e. Spouse, two properties and a day job. Maybe the avoidance of fatherhood I and the choice of a much younger partner is an attempt to try and cling onto his perceived youth and "freedom"?

FWIW, DC don't necessarily mean an end to your creativity, travel, new experiences, or other exciting and fulfilling things in life. My DH and I are both creative people and I can't imagine a life without our creative work. If it's important, you find the time, and for me I feel that not having as much free time as I did before DD helps me to focus, and to better appreciate the time I do have, and be more productive when I have the chance to work. Less lazing about on weekends and slumping in front of a film with some wine on an evening, and more time in the studio.

Aware that this is page 6 and the conversation's moved on from page 3

As a representative of the 25%, I do like to try & kill a few common fertility myths when I can:

poo-pooing the idea that women's fertility falls off a cliff after 35 - I think I know what you are referring to and it really annoys me that it hasn't got more attention

Yes, and YY to whoever pointed out that the 'off a cliff' thing isn't actually supported by any decent data.

When I had my lumpy ovary removed at 45, the surgeon told me the remaining one would just take over (it did) and still had enough healthy eggs for another sixty years or so! He also said I'd need to be extra careful, as my fertility may have IMPROVED with the removal of the rogue. Yes, at 45!

Fertility is so individual. But having said that there has been a lot in the press lately about how women shouldn't panic when they reach their mid - late 30s. I accept that there are women on this thread who said they had problems TTC in their late 30s, but it's possible they were always going to find that and were sub fertile so that the first 'easy' conception was a bit of luck. I conceived much quicker in my mid 30s with DC2 than DC1 a couple of years earlier. It does also depend on the menopause runs in your family as someone else said. If your mum had hers in her 40s then that's something to consider. I knew that my mum and to a lesser extent my grandmother had reached their early 50s before their final period and I was 54.

I know everyone is different in the way they work creatively. Just pointing out that I know of someone who is an increasingly successful painter - he gets up at 4am so that he can work for a couple of hours before going out to work to support his wife and young children.

I worried I wouldn't be able to write anymore once I had a kid but actually I am far more productive now too. I think this is quite common.

I got pregnant very easily even in early forties. But I also miscarried very easily, several times.
Doesn't mean that would happen to others, but getting pg is not the only age-related issue.