How to get over the fact that I will never have children

[Whereismyb12]

Hi all. Hope to get some benefits from your collective wisdom.

I've been with my DP for nearly 5 years. He is my soul mate. He is the nicest, kindest human being I've known. He is my friend. I really like and respect him. He is the love of my life.

When we met we were both clear that we didn't want to do the 'traditional' stuff: get married, have children, get a dog, buy a house, settle down. We found it boring. We wanted to be together and have fun - live in different countries, follow our hobbies, feel young.

5 years down the line we are married (ok, it came as a surprise to both of us and we did it in a non-traditional way, but still) and in the process of buying a flat! We did it because we wanted it and that's ok. But there is another point on the 'never to do' list which we can't agree on: children.

A desire to have a child literally kicked me in the face (or rather in the uterus) overnight, around 2 years ago. I had always been disgusted/annoyed by kids and suddenly I wanted one! I couldn't get my head around it but the feeling was very strong. I spoke about it to DP: he was quite surprised but honestly responded that he didn't share my feelings and didn't know if he would feel differently one day. We had a similar conversation a few times afterwards and the outcome was always the same: he does not have a paternal instinct, doesn't mind the children of other people (in fact he's very good and caring with his nieces/nephews) but doesn't want his own child. I talked, I reasoned, I tried to persuade him. He seems honest that there is no other reason although I think in his eyes a child may be another step towards this terrifying idea of 'settling down'. Anyway his answer is no. Every conversation ended in me crying so I stopped talking about it but didn't stop longing for it.

Recently I observed some serious pregnancy symptoms. I was convinced that I was either pregnant or seriously ill as the symptoms were so out of the ordinary. I was ecstatic thinking that this could be my dream come true! When I talked to DP about my suspicions he reassured me that we would manage the situation if we were to have a child. He was very calm and supportive. Well, after a few weeks it turned out I wasn't pregnant. Stupid me, getting my hopes up so high.

It was like my own personal disaster. Like if something inside me broke and released the unstoppable desire for a baby that I tried to muffle for the last 2 years. It is constantly screaming inside my head. I can's look at children on the internet or in the street without thinking that I will never experience this. When I'm swimming I can't help thinking it's such a shame I will never teach my child to swim. When I'm running I'm imagining how I run with my daughter. When I see a bee I want to show it to my son and explain the world to him. I just think I have so much to share, WE have so much to share, me and DP, and that parenting would be a fantastic adventure for both of us. He would be an amazing parent as he's very patient and understanding, and young at heart. But we doesn't want to be a parent and I can't make him want it.

I fully respect his right to say no. I feel like this situation is my fault as I am the one who changed rules of the game and he doesn't have to accept them. But I feel so unhappy. I try to behave like before but often I will burst in tears out of nowhere or get snappy with him because sometimes something deep inside me feels that it's his fault I'm unhappy. But then I remind myself that he's not doing it deliberately. Which doesn't really change my situation.

Long introduction but my question is shorter: how can I get rid of my desire to have a baby? I need to do it to find peace. Will it fade with time? Is there anything I can do to persuade myself that this stupid longing for children will not happen so there is no point of focusing on it? Please don't tell me to LTB as this is not an option.

But he's not really the free spirit he thinks of himself as, is he. Why isn't he travelling? Doing all the things that being free of 'settling down' enables him to do? Being an artist, being bohemian and so on. In fact, he's just like everyone else - going to work, coming home, doing hobbies, paying the mortgage. I know a few men who have 'resisted' settling down (although to be fair I can't recall many women desperately trying to 'tie them down' ) and talk about all the freedom they have. But they don't use it for anything! Apart from endless sessions of Medal of Honour it seems.

Either you're a true eccentric, who does their thing, without it even occurring to them to wonder what other people think, or you're just like most people. I understand the yearning to be different from the herd (and everyone is different from the herd in their own ways), but honestly, you can't live your life from a position of 'I'm not doing that because other people who I sneer at and feel superior to are doing it'. Like someone else said, people have weddings, and buy houses, and have children for really good reasons, not because they are mindless sheep who can't think for themselves.

It would be such a shame to give up having kids because he wants to lead a bohemian lifestyle which never happens.

Has he "settled down" with you OP, or is he planning to move on? If he wishes to be with you for ever, then he is already settled - for someone he loves. A child would also be someone he loves.
No one should have a baby if they really don't want to, but some of his reasons sound a bit spurious.

Oh god. A dreamer. Give me a fucking break. If it hasn't happened by the age of 38, it ain't happening, love.

OP sorry but he is going to string you along and waste the best years of your life, dump you at 40 for a younger model and get her pregnant right away.

Have your baby. With him or without him, but have it, and love it and mother it.

I would choose my children over my DH any day of the week.

Oh, I don't agree, CY. Children are wearing, boring, tiring, put any number of spokes in your wheel if you want to live the life you did before. Hiring a nanny or babysitter costs money. They want to do boring things and don't want to do interesting things even if you take them with you. You have to pay for them, change nappies, think about schools, bore yourself silly with all the child-associated stuff for decades. And worst of all, your love for them means you do not do the sensible thing and run like the wind to get away from them.

I am quite glad I had children, mind. But I can utterly understand people who don't have children; I envy their certitude, which has quite frankly given them a much nicer life than mine.

Secretblack has put it very well. What about him is quite so cool and unconventional to make him so much better than the rest of us?

Although motherinferior I found that having my DS has made me MUCH more focused with how I spend my time - I try to use my child-free time for creative things which I enjoy rather than pissing my time away - and given me inspiration to have a career, not just a job. So it can affect you in different ways. But I only have one small DS so far!

I don't think the OP's husband is saying he is 'cool' or 'better' than people that want to follow the societal norm.

It's a bit naive to think that if you are child free, you suddenly escape the constraints of society like living costs, taxes, etc. if you don't want kids you don't suddenly qualify for free air travel and living.

Secret - you don't get to decide what is a useful/waste of time for others. Some people may think you having a kid is a waste of time.
Your 'focus' isn't for everyone. It's how you want it. Don't be so judgemental.

I don't think the OPs DH is wasting his time. But I think if there is a different lifestyle he wants, and he has the freedom to follow it, then why isn't he? Also, I don't care if someone plays Medal of Honour 24 hrs a day - but if you claim you actually want to live by the sea in Mexico and that's why you're keeping yourself single and mortgage free(which my friend does) then why aren't you at least giving it a shot? That's all I meant.

Op, if you and he decide that well, okay, you should have a baby, can I suggest that you do not allow any bargaining.

By that I mean he says he gets to pursue his hobby or after work activities regardless because he has agreed to have a child.

You both have to parent and you both get to have equal time - if there is any! - to have other interests.

To everyone who reminded me that age was an issue if there were any problems conceiving - yes, I know that. I married at just short of 30 and thankfully DH was quite keen to try for DCs after a year of marriage.

OP- I think you have an unrealistic idea about what counsellors do. You mention the word 'advisor'. Counsellors don't advise- far from it, in fact. The basis of counselling is they help you understand what makes you tick and what you want. They don't play god and advise couples on the way forward, nor do they take sides. You have given the impression - intentionally or not- that you think a counsellor will give you some ammunition or strategies to help convince your DH that he wants a child.
Maybe I've picked up the wrong idea but this is what you said:

I want to make sure and an advisor could help me do it. I need to get to the root of the problem before I can tackle it. If it is something I can help (convince him we don't have to do it like our parents and it's not the end of the world), then I want to try

This is NOT what a counsellor does. If you are hoping for an ally than you are going to be disappointed.

It's not your role IMO to convince him. Your role is to tell him how YOU feel then leave the next move to him. If he carries on saying he doesn't want them and has no real reason he's entitled to that - but then you have to decide what you want to do in response.

Secret - it's none of your business though. People will do what they want. Lifestyles aren't that black and white. People come up with lots of ideas that they don't act upon.

It's interesting that getting married and having kids is pressurised in society. That as soon as you break free of that. You have be doing it for a very good reason. Instead of maybe just living as you did in your 20's. There isn't this pressure on older retired parents. Households where the kids have left the home.

It's like me saying, you should send your child to private school. The option is there, the option to fund it is available in the job market. But it's none of my business!

OP came on asking for opinions. I gave mine. Of course it's not my business - practically nothing on MN is.

Askings for opinions about having a child or dealing with 'urge' if she resigns herself to not having them.

Not for you to judge her partner's or other people's 'lifestyle' choices. Only because their choices differ to your ideals. There isn't one correct life to lead. Yours isn't better or correct.

Well quite, mother. :) i didn't mean that your life doesn't change when you have DC, merely that it is still possible to travel etc. And of course it costs money but it does regardless...either you have to pay for someone to look after them or you have to give up work and lose money that way.

I don't think childless people have a nicer life than I do. My children have given my life direction and purpose. When I look at my childless by choice friends, I think it is nice for them but for me it would be empty.

King- his reluctanceto have a child may be rooted in his desire to live this arty lifestyle where a child would- in hi s mind- be a hindrance.

No one is judging but it's a relevant point for the OP to mention and for her to discuss with him.

I was trying to get to the bottom of her DH's fear of settling down etc. as it sounds like they are starting to want quite different lifestyles. I haven't said anything at all about other lifestyles being wrong though, because I don't think they are - but yearning for something that is completely different to your current lifestyle and not making attempts to achieve it when you perhaps could is what I am talking about. And you don't really know anything about my ideals or how I live my life.

There have been plenty of judgemental posts. Worded in a negative way.

It's the mindset that he needs a reason. The mindset that children are the default.

Secret - like yearning not to have children

It tells me a lot about your ideals, by using the phrase 'fear of settling down'.

Anyway, back to the thread.

It's fine for the OP's DH to not have or want children. Not so fine for her if she wants them, and the reason her DH doesn't want them is because he wants to lead a lifestyle which he never actually gets around to leading!

Was what I was trying to say in an obviously incoherent way.

But I guess you have a point - he doesn't need a reason to not want them. It's just that his art was one of the reasons he's given the OP for not wanting to settle down.

I think - and this is a massive generalisation - that men tend to be more into their hobbies than women. In general (of course there are plenty of exceptions, so don't jump down my throat on this) men focus on hobbies, whilst women don't put as much into them, possibly because they know that one day they'll have to give them up to look after kids. I know with my ex, he loved his hobby, and it would have been enough (along with me, his job, and holidays) to keep him happily occupied for the rest of his life.

I had hobbies, but over the years they became ways of filling my time, until I became a mother. They were simply "add-ons", never a raison d'être.

Ironically I think the women's movement has enabled men to say no to family life. In the past it was a given - man worked, got married, had kids, woman stayed at home and looked after kids and maintained the house. Now women have options, they can have careers, they aren't expected to be housewives, they can choose to be career women instead of mothers without being seen as freaks. And equally men have those choices too, they don't have to follow the archaic conventional rules either. There is freedom of choice all round, which is a good thing, but of course has its price.

I'm afraid, in my opinion, someone who wants a conventional life (kids, house, job) is just not compatible with a dreamer who wants to be free to pursue a hobby and live life as a free spirit.

King the OP said 'I think in his eyes a child may be another step towards this terrifying idea of 'settling down'. Sounds like fear to me.

OP how would you DH feel if you asked him to live his life without ever doing his artistic hobby ever again? If you made that a condition of you staying together? Would that give him some insight into how you're feeling?

Secret - there is such a thing as a child free lifestyle. It doesn't have to come with any conditions. Just wanting time to do a hobby is a seperate issue. Hoping one day it becomes a job is also seperate. It's not children as default or you better have a damn good reason not to. Maybe if we moved away from this pressure it would be a lot more healthy.
Maybe if we put pressure on people to come up with a damn good reason to have them, society would be better.
After all parents fuck up children than none parents. This bored is testimony to that.

But the irony surely is that he IS settled!
He's married and been in a relationship for 5 years and has a regular job that gives him an income which allows him - some of the time- to pursue a hobby.
MILLIONS of people have a hobby which in their heads may one day be the same as winning the Lottery because it will enable them to give up the boring day job. I have one- but it gets side tracked by MN ( slaps own wrists.)

Most people eventually fess up to the fact that their hobby is never going to make them a millionaire because it's their own laziness or 'average-ness' that's holding them back.
But it's very easy and convenient to shift the 'blame' to something like an unborn child and say it will hold them back.

This man is fighting his inner demons. He wants to think he's a free spirit unencumbered by something so staid as a marriage ( but he gave in to that) so now it's a potential family that's to blame. It's all terribly adolescent and I wonder why a 38 year old is still like this.