How to get over the fact that I will never have children

[Whereismyb12]

Hi all. Hope to get some benefits from your collective wisdom.

I've been with my DP for nearly 5 years. He is my soul mate. He is the nicest, kindest human being I've known. He is my friend. I really like and respect him. He is the love of my life.

When we met we were both clear that we didn't want to do the 'traditional' stuff: get married, have children, get a dog, buy a house, settle down. We found it boring. We wanted to be together and have fun - live in different countries, follow our hobbies, feel young.

5 years down the line we are married (ok, it came as a surprise to both of us and we did it in a non-traditional way, but still) and in the process of buying a flat! We did it because we wanted it and that's ok. But there is another point on the 'never to do' list which we can't agree on: children.

A desire to have a child literally kicked me in the face (or rather in the uterus) overnight, around 2 years ago. I had always been disgusted/annoyed by kids and suddenly I wanted one! I couldn't get my head around it but the feeling was very strong. I spoke about it to DP: he was quite surprised but honestly responded that he didn't share my feelings and didn't know if he would feel differently one day. We had a similar conversation a few times afterwards and the outcome was always the same: he does not have a paternal instinct, doesn't mind the children of other people (in fact he's very good and caring with his nieces/nephews) but doesn't want his own child. I talked, I reasoned, I tried to persuade him. He seems honest that there is no other reason although I think in his eyes a child may be another step towards this terrifying idea of 'settling down'. Anyway his answer is no. Every conversation ended in me crying so I stopped talking about it but didn't stop longing for it.

Recently I observed some serious pregnancy symptoms. I was convinced that I was either pregnant or seriously ill as the symptoms were so out of the ordinary. I was ecstatic thinking that this could be my dream come true! When I talked to DP about my suspicions he reassured me that we would manage the situation if we were to have a child. He was very calm and supportive. Well, after a few weeks it turned out I wasn't pregnant. Stupid me, getting my hopes up so high.

It was like my own personal disaster. Like if something inside me broke and released the unstoppable desire for a baby that I tried to muffle for the last 2 years. It is constantly screaming inside my head. I can's look at children on the internet or in the street without thinking that I will never experience this. When I'm swimming I can't help thinking it's such a shame I will never teach my child to swim. When I'm running I'm imagining how I run with my daughter. When I see a bee I want to show it to my son and explain the world to him. I just think I have so much to share, WE have so much to share, me and DP, and that parenting would be a fantastic adventure for both of us. He would be an amazing parent as he's very patient and understanding, and young at heart. But we doesn't want to be a parent and I can't make him want it.

I fully respect his right to say no. I feel like this situation is my fault as I am the one who changed rules of the game and he doesn't have to accept them. But I feel so unhappy. I try to behave like before but often I will burst in tears out of nowhere or get snappy with him because sometimes something deep inside me feels that it's his fault I'm unhappy. But then I remind myself that he's not doing it deliberately. Which doesn't really change my situation.

Long introduction but my question is shorter: how can I get rid of my desire to have a baby? I need to do it to find peace. Will it fade with time? Is there anything I can do to persuade myself that this stupid longing for children will not happen so there is no point of focusing on it? Please don't tell me to LTB as this is not an option.

MillyMolly-that's a really interesting perspective.

I hope you don't mind me asking-do you still talk about having children or is it totally off the table/never going to happen? Do you know he won't change his mind or do you still hope that he might-for example when he sees your friend's new baby?

You can always find another man, always. You can't find another baby. This was my situation once and I left him. 7 years later I was married to a man who wanted to live a life not stick to a bunch of pointless principles and I had my babies. The man I left is living the same life he lived with me just with someone else and from the outside it looks empty and scared. The idea that I could have chosen him over the joy of my own babies is ridiculous.

Go and live your life, have your baby.

No you can't always find another man, salt. I know people that haven't.

Then you can find another sperm donor. You don't need to find another man.

I heard a programme on radio 4 which said the ageat which your mother experienced menopause is crucial, in that women tend to go through menopause at a similar/same age as their mothers. The fertility doctor on the show then said that your fertility starts to tail off more quickly about 10 years before menopause. So, if your Mum didn't hit menopause til her early 50s you might have more time, whereas if she hit menopause in her mid 40s you'd be unwise to leave it (by choice) until you were 40+.

I think you're unwise to leave it (by choice) past 35. I conceived my first no problems but then had to go on clomid to conceive my second, so how that works I do not know. Even if you think you're perfectly fertile, there's just no telling what can happen. And there's no better test of fertility than trying to make a baby.

OP, I'm afraid I have only read 2 pages of the thread.
To begin with, I am sorry you find yourself in this situation. Neither of the 2 obvious choices of leaving him,mor accepting you won't have a child are appealing and will be very upsetting.
I think it would be good for you to have some counselling together about this before making a decision about the 2 choices, because it is just possible, that a way forward might be found through counselling. You probably dont want to go for counselling and he probably won't want to either. But for the sake of your relationship, and for the peace of mind of knowing you have tried absolutely everything to reach a resolution for you both, I think it would be worth forcing yourselves to do it.

FWIW, my husband and I both didn't want children. When we went for our marriage prep classes, the leaders asked us how we would each feel if the other changed their mind. This made us think a lot about it and in the end, we agreed that if one of us seriously changed our mind, the other would accept the need for a child and go for it.
2 years into our marriage, I changed my mind. My DH was shocked and terrified. He was definitiely not keen. And the reason was he feared he would not love the child and it would ruin his life. The 'child' was an abstract thing for him, because of course it was not a real person with a personality, just a theoretical idea. He said he knew that no one ever really regrets it and held onto this reality, in the face of really not feeling he wanted it. Anyway, we now have a very real 8 year old with a very definite personality, who he relates to wonderfully and would not be without. He found the baby years hard, when there is an awful lot of give and limited returns, but as our child has grown into a proper little person who can relate to him,MIT has been wonderful to see their relationship develop.

I would say, don't give up just yet. Counselling may help make it a possibility. If it doesn't, you will be faced with the same difficult decision, but you will know you have tried everything. Don't walk away too fast or give up on your DH too quickly.

Venus. O.P wants a child. Her d.p doesn't. It seems like only a baby will make her happy Like I said you can't turn your feeling off to suit others even if it is your d.p as another poster also said. No man is worth not having a child for if you want one.
I still stand by what I say

I am surprised by how many people seem to advocate having an 'accident' or just walking away from the marriage in search of another man,so lightly.
This man is the OPs husband. She has built a life with him and expected it to be forever and still hopes it can be so. They have a relationship built on trust. Tricking him into becoming a Father, is really not part of the deal and would be so damaging to the relationship and for the child too. Simply walking away, is not simple at all, but a devastating, huge huge decision.

MillyMolly, I have a lot of respect for what you said earlier. I think it was courageous and honest of you to accept your husbands decision not to have children, although clearly painful. As you said, in the end, it has been your choice to stay with him.

OP, I do t know how long you can keep open channels of communication about this with your DH. If they seem closed and his decision seems final. Perhaps ask for one last chance for counselling and ask him to try to have an open mind going into it. After this...I don't know what. I'm not sure if these things are ever really really closed.....MillyMolly perhaps still has some hope of a change of heart, but has made a conscious choice to accept what her DH wants.

I hope there can be a resolution and that neither of those 2 choices have to be made.

There was an article in the Atlantic about 1-2 years ago about how fertility research is much less reliable than we're led to believe and the 'cliff' in a woman's late 30s may not be like that:
www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2013/07/how-long-can-you-wait-to-have-a-baby/309374/

Though here's an interesting and critical response:
www.bionews.org.uk/page_323531.asp

But then narrowing your window for anything gives you less chance of getting what you want, so regardless of fertility decline (or not), only starting to try at, say, 38 gives you lower odds than starting at 28.

One thing I'm interested in, OP, is that you've both already made two decisions that were initially on the 'we're not going to do those traditional things' list for you. You've got married and now you're buying a home together. What prompted the change of plans in each of those circumstances?

Thank you for all your inputs. I spoke to DH tonight and he (reluctantly) agreed to get counselling. He thinks that I want to go there to get an ally so that we can both try to persuade him to change his mind re babies but he will do it for me.

Everything we just spontaneously decided one day that getting married would be a nice idea and a confirmation of our committment. We also spontaneously decided to buy our own place when got some money from the family and found an affordable place in great location at the same time. I am not saying we didn't think these things through in the process at the first the idea was quite unexpected.

I hope things work our for you.

Glad that he's open to a discussion and counseling, and hope that things work out for you.

Just wondering, about the many posters that would never, ever, under any circumstances consider an "accident", were you able to have your children by honest means? If you were in a relationship like the OP's, or the many we see here from time to time where a devoted female partner is denied the possibility of becoming a mother, or where the DP refuses to discuss and says "maybe someday" while time is running out, would you faithfully take hormonal contraception despite the circumstances? Would you really leave an otherwise happy relationship and scurry to find a partner keen on procreating, or take on the burden of being a single mother via a sperm donor or adoption? People generally say they would, but would you really?

I guess OP's situation is a bit different as she is 28 but what if she was 10 years older? It's a lot to ask of someone, to leave their home, partner, stability, and jump into the dating pool again. All in the hopes of finding someone to impregnate you ASAP from the slim pickings available to women nearing 40. I'd reckon that it doesn't work out a lot of the time. If this was your situation, would you really be happier childless and alone, but secure in the satisfaction of being a super honest person?

If a man doesn't want to be a father, then he doesn't necessarily have to. My father fucked off when my sister and I were toddlers. He paid minimum to no maintenance. We saw him a handful of times until we were teenagers but to this day have no idea where he is. He was never interested in being a father, so he wasn't. And of my very wide social circle, only one or two of my friends were brought up with involved fathers. Most were raised with single mothers. I've had two step fathers, who were much more involved in my life than my own father was.

And for the record, yes, I had my DC via totally honest means and joint decision with lovely DH who is an awesome dad. But had I not been so fortunate, who's to say. I don't know what I would do in that kind of situation and so hesitate to judge someone who might decide, albeit dishonestly, to stop waiting around and just take matters into their own hands, and let the cards fall where they may.

I know one person who had a happy accident and it almost broke her marriage and gave her and husband complicated feelings about baby in the long run. I disagree with this, a lie is not a good start to life and a baby deserves more. I think counseling sounds sensible. When I first read the title of this thread I thought it was about a woman who couldn't have babies and I thought how will she come to terms with that, but that isn't you is it? Hopefully he will change his mind, for you if nothing else (initially).

OP is fortunate that she has time on her side. She is young, and that gives her options. She can talk further with DH, and try the couples counseling. Maybe he will come around, if only out of love for her initially. If he remained dead set against the idea of being a father, then she can decide if she can be content with a child free relationship, and if she values that over the chance to become a mother. Lots of couples lead happy, child free lives together, if that's what they both want.

I have two friends who were dishonest about contraception and became "accidentally" pregnant after reaching their late 30's with partners that were either against the idea or in the "maybe someday but not yet" camp. Strangely enough, the guy who was dead set against manned up and rose to the occasion, and after an initial freak out, became very supportive. Baby is now 3 and he's a devoted dad and regrets that they didn't have kids earlier, as he would like a second. Unlikely though, as my friend is 43 now.

The guy who was in the "maybe someday" camp ended up flaking out and wasn't able to cope with fatherhood. He and my other friend split when their child was a year old. He sees the baby occasionally but is generally too busy partying and traveling and shagging his new 20 year old girlfriend to be that bothered. He was never very mature to begin with. However, my friend doesn't have any regrets. Her DD is her world, and she can't imagine life without her. She reckoned it was her only chance, so went for it.

It's not an ideal start in life, no. And deception in itself is never a good thing. But people can do all kinds of things out of desperation, and I find it hard to judge when that's the case. It's not exactly admirable, but I don't think its as horrible was people here often seem to think.

I had a difficult childhood, and a deadbeat dad who didn't want me that much, but I have never wished I hadn't been born. I have such a wonderful, strong, devoted, amazing mum. She did a great job raising me and more than made up for the fact that dad was never on the scene.

Sorry to derail OP, wish you the best of luck with your DH and that you will happy together either with or without DC.

Well, if I heard that a man had tampered with a contraception device or pills to trick his wife into pregnancy I'd be horrified. I know it seems worse because she would go through so much physically, but ethically it must be similar surely.

I just think the OP is a case in point of why that shouldn't be needed. She is 29, she knows the situation now and can leave before she gets into a situation like your friends did.

I would have thought that any 'accidental' pregnancy would be pretty transparent to people in this kind of situation, and potentially a cause of huge resentment. It is very depressing to be honest, from either perspective.

OP - sounds to me like you need to persuade your partner that the decision to have a child can be very spontaneous . What could be more exciting for him than making a huge life change like that on the spur of the moment - what an unconventional, fly by the seat of his pants kind of guy he is!

As an aside OP I think you need to have a long hard think about the "unconditional love" thing. It is right and normal to have unconditional love for your children - they depend entirely on you and only exist because you made them and it is your duty to support them through life. You don't turn your back on a child no matter what.
However, with a partner I think unconditional love is really really unhealthy. Love between adults absolutely has to be conditional in order for it to work on any practical level. Would you stay with him even if he hit you? Even if he slept around? You have to maintain your own sense of self respect in a relationship and look out for your own needs, otherwise there's a serious danger you will just become a bit-player is someone else's life and wake up in 20 years to find you never made any decisions for yourself or fulfilled any of your own dreams.
It's great that you feel so strongly for your husband. But don't let that blind you. Relationships are not guaranteed - he could leave at any time (that's not to say that he will, just that he could), he could die or become ill and you will be left with a life that you don't particularly want. Relationships do involve compromise but they should also allow you as much as possible to pursue the life you really want. At the moment it seems to me that you are pursuing the life your husband wants. Wanting your partner to be happy is basically a good thing, but once you're straying into the territory of pushing your own wants and desires down in order to keep them happy then you're on dangerous ground.
You say "we" spontaneously decided to get married and "we" spontaneously decided to buy a house but if you're totally honest about it, was it really the case that he suddenly decided he wanted these things and you just went along with it?

Estrellita - I wouldn't trick a man into having a baby because I know how hard it is to have a baby with someone who actually wants it. I would hate to be in a situation with someone who rejected the baby. I would feel far too guilty for bringing a child into that situation.

Op my dp and I are artists as well as having other jobs, we are now expecting our third child. One thing does not necessarily exclude the other.

I often make a lot more work in the years just after having a child as I am at home a lot more. Many of my artist friends have families and are successful at their artistic careers, royal college and academy backgrounds. It is not the children which stop us from developing our work only our own talent (or lack of !)

I feel for you as he sounds very stubborn

Quite. Unconditional love to an adult sounds quite surrendered, I think.
The counselling I think will be beneficial in helping the dh work out what his reasons are re not wanting dcs. He might find it is a deep seated conviction that won't change; or he might find it is founded on something more changeable. It is important for the OP to know this, before leaving her marriage, and I imagine the DH can't really put his finger on what it is just now.

Regarding happy accidents, I'm guessing some of these involve women adopting the same relaxed approach to contraception that many men have, rather than actively pricking holes in condoms etc.

But surely, if they are only using condoms, there is a chance of a 'happy accident' at some point over the next ten years anyway?

I go back to my point that any sexually active heterosexual must be prepared to become a parent anyway. Yes, the odds are small but they are there.

And that kind of 'happy accident' is not open to the OP (moral arguments aside) anyway as they use condoms.