How to get over the fact that I will never have children

[Whereismyb12]

Hi all. Hope to get some benefits from your collective wisdom.

I've been with my DP for nearly 5 years. He is my soul mate. He is the nicest, kindest human being I've known. He is my friend. I really like and respect him. He is the love of my life.

When we met we were both clear that we didn't want to do the 'traditional' stuff: get married, have children, get a dog, buy a house, settle down. We found it boring. We wanted to be together and have fun - live in different countries, follow our hobbies, feel young.

5 years down the line we are married (ok, it came as a surprise to both of us and we did it in a non-traditional way, but still) and in the process of buying a flat! We did it because we wanted it and that's ok. But there is another point on the 'never to do' list which we can't agree on: children.

A desire to have a child literally kicked me in the face (or rather in the uterus) overnight, around 2 years ago. I had always been disgusted/annoyed by kids and suddenly I wanted one! I couldn't get my head around it but the feeling was very strong. I spoke about it to DP: he was quite surprised but honestly responded that he didn't share my feelings and didn't know if he would feel differently one day. We had a similar conversation a few times afterwards and the outcome was always the same: he does not have a paternal instinct, doesn't mind the children of other people (in fact he's very good and caring with his nieces/nephews) but doesn't want his own child. I talked, I reasoned, I tried to persuade him. He seems honest that there is no other reason although I think in his eyes a child may be another step towards this terrifying idea of 'settling down'. Anyway his answer is no. Every conversation ended in me crying so I stopped talking about it but didn't stop longing for it.

Recently I observed some serious pregnancy symptoms. I was convinced that I was either pregnant or seriously ill as the symptoms were so out of the ordinary. I was ecstatic thinking that this could be my dream come true! When I talked to DP about my suspicions he reassured me that we would manage the situation if we were to have a child. He was very calm and supportive. Well, after a few weeks it turned out I wasn't pregnant. Stupid me, getting my hopes up so high.

It was like my own personal disaster. Like if something inside me broke and released the unstoppable desire for a baby that I tried to muffle for the last 2 years. It is constantly screaming inside my head. I can's look at children on the internet or in the street without thinking that I will never experience this. When I'm swimming I can't help thinking it's such a shame I will never teach my child to swim. When I'm running I'm imagining how I run with my daughter. When I see a bee I want to show it to my son and explain the world to him. I just think I have so much to share, WE have so much to share, me and DP, and that parenting would be a fantastic adventure for both of us. He would be an amazing parent as he's very patient and understanding, and young at heart. But we doesn't want to be a parent and I can't make him want it.

I fully respect his right to say no. I feel like this situation is my fault as I am the one who changed rules of the game and he doesn't have to accept them. But I feel so unhappy. I try to behave like before but often I will burst in tears out of nowhere or get snappy with him because sometimes something deep inside me feels that it's his fault I'm unhappy. But then I remind myself that he's not doing it deliberately. Which doesn't really change my situation.

Long introduction but my question is shorter: how can I get rid of my desire to have a baby? I need to do it to find peace. Will it fade with time? Is there anything I can do to persuade myself that this stupid longing for children will not happen so there is no point of focusing on it? Please don't tell me to LTB as this is not an option.

I know you said not to tell you to leave him but I would if I were you. I'm not and you may be very different from me. But I think if I had a strong overwhelming desire for a child and I were able to have one I would try everything to have that child. I couldn't live with the regret. It isn't like he is infertile. He is refusing to help you have a family. He isn't really taking your feelings seriously either as you no longer feel comfortable discussing them with him. I would leave him and give myself the chance of the family I wanted. I would also leave someone you wanted a different life to the one I wanted. You have one life. I wouldn't live somebody else's.

I think this will destroy your relationship anyway.

You're stuck between a rock and a hard place. There's no easy way out. Does your husband actually realise that you are so unhappy because of the fact you might not ever have children or does he think you have dealt with it and moved on?

You have two options: leave him and give yourself a chance to become a mum, or put up and shut up (and most likely always be haunted by regret).

Neither are appealing in your case but I know which one I would choose. No question.

Sorry to be blunt. I do feel for you OP. And it's perfectly okay that you changed your mind as you got older...

Parenting looks really boring from the outside. You are right it is in fact a massive adventure. I can't answer your question as I don't think you can or should try to suppress your feelings. It's such a tricky one - as you don't even know if you can have them yet.
In my relationship I was the one who didn't want dcs, my dp was adamant he did and I came round to his way of thinking. You don't mention how old you both are?

You need to leave. No man or woman is worth it. Your soul doesn't need a mate.

Leaving is always an option.

I would have some good counselling tbh, you'll be able to talk in a safe environment about all your hopes and dreams and work through your feelings and what to do. Then if you still long for a DC you may have to ultimately decide to end things and begin again but by that stage you may have peace with it iyswim?

How would you feel if he changes his mind when the chance has passed for you?

Unfortunately, you have to make the choice, and really make it. You can't half-heartedly choose, or keep hope alive that you can have both.

You can have your husband, your flat, and your life together as it is now. Or you can leave, and persue your desire to have a child, or children. You can have the family that you long for, but you can't have DP.

Think about them both. You need to really, really consider both options. I know that you're saying LTB isn't an option, but you need to make it one, so that you can make the choice.

If you decide to stay, you need to stop talking about children. Your position is clear - you chose to stay, he doesn't want children, ergo you will not have children. Make the most of what you can, and do, have. Spend time together doing things as a couple that would be much harder if you had children. Accept your family as complete as it is. And sort out contraception, properly, so that there are no more scares.

If you leave, then make it quick. Explain that the urge to have children came suddenly, that you've tried to change it, but that two years later it's no different. Then find someone who does share your new dream - a house, a marriage, a child.

There's no way to make the urge go away if you're spending every day hoping that he'll change his mind, or longing for your contraception to fail because you're sure that he'd be a good dad. That's no way to live, and it's not fair on you, or him. It has to be an absolute decision.

If you can get away from him and your current life for a few days, that will probably help you to make the choice.

Of course, there's a biological element to this, and that's harder to fight. But you'll be doing all you can, and that will fade with time.

I suppose it boils down to which of the outcomes you desire more...A baby or your partner, both aren't achievable, you have to choose which future will make you happier

I'm not sure this feeling will just go away. You may feel it forever. You take a risk whatever you do, stay and hope he changes his mind or the feeling diminishes or leave him and hope you find someone who wants children as well who is as good/nice as your dh.

This happened to a good friend of mine, both were adamant from when they met in their late teens that they didn't want any children. About 10 years in, she changed her mind...

I think it was a few years before he came round to her way of thinking and they tried and eventually had their DD, now 10. He didn't get involved in any of the ante natal stuff, but he is a great dad and she is an only child.

So, it isn't always the end of a marriage, it just depends how far both are willing to compromise to make the other one happy.

Good luck whatever you decide.

Tricking a man into having a child is no way to start a family.

P.s. His reaction when you thought you were ill, suggests there may be a glimmer of hope???? Have you discussed it since?

Why don't you simply say to him something along the lines of "I understand you don't want a child but I do. From now on, contraception is your responsibility."
If he's serious he'll have the snip or use condoms religiously.
The older I become, the more convinced I am that the one who is most adamant they don't want a child (but do want sex) should sort it out. Which is why I'm having my tubes tied with dc3!

I think you should both have some counselling. I think he needs to 'hear' you properly - at the moment you are stifling your emotions and desires because they upset you too much so it's easy for them to ignore you.

But essentially you have to make a decision and I think it's worth getting some help to help you make the right choice for you. That may well mean leaving your DH - I know that's not what you want to hear and I'm sorry about that, but I don't think once you have that level of desire for a child that you can just damp it down.

I'd be wary of reading too much into what he said during your pg scare. Did 'manage the situation' mean 'all live happily ever after' or 'I'll hold your hand through a termination'?

How old are you OP? I think it's relevant.

Personally I would not stay in a relationship with someone who didn't want children and I also would not wait around and hope for a man to possibly change his mind on the subject (especially if he has made it clear he doesn't think he will change his mind). If I was younger I might wait around a bit more for the mind change, but now (knocking 30) no way.

Wtf, quietly. Of course it's wrong! I don't want children. Fortunately as a woman I control that 100% (no way a man can trick me into it) but if somehow they could I could not tell you how I would manage, emotionally. I don't want children. Not just "meh" about it. I'd be an awful mother (I'm capable and love kids but would resent a child I didn't want). This man doesn't want kids. Worst advice ever. Glad I'm a woman.

As everyone else has said. Partner or kids. Doesn't sound like you will have both. Big and hard decision. I think if the feeling was just going to go away, it would have by now.

I also disagree with people implying your dp should make some sort of compromise. "He is refusing to help you have a family" makes him sound like he's doing something wrong. He doesn't want a child. The child wouldn't just be the OP's. He isn't with holding something she is entitled to. He wouldn't just be "helping out" like a donor. Apologies if I've misread the tone of that comment, though.

I agree with leaving all contraception responsibility up to him

When I said he was refusing to help her have a family I was trying to differentiate him from someone who could not help her have a family. I do not think he 'should' or 'must' give her a child. But she wants a child with an uncontrollable desire and he wants something else. They want different lives and he won't entertain her main goal. That is not a life partner I would want. I think she would be better off leaving him and giving herself a chance at the life she wants. He won't be any better off as he will have lost his wife and the life they are currently living which is his ideal life, not hers.

Re getting him to take responsibility for contraception. I did that when pill was sending me loopy, bought (then) DH big box of condoms and explained I was coming of the pill and asked him to take care of it for a while while I explored alternatives.

He forgot to use one. Once. I got pregnant. He had just lost his job when I found out. I (in tears) told him, he went absolutely nuts. Shouting, swearing, screaming that I had ruined his life and his chance to have nice cars, lovely holidays, big house etc etc. and accused me of tricking him into it. I define that as the moment I fell out of love with him.

If he was unsure, then telling him that you are leaving all contraception up to him ( as some have suggested) might be OK. But he married you in honesty, saying that he did not want kids and thinking that you felt the same. He has been honest with you in every conversation since. Dont trick him.

Time for you to be honest. Its a deal breaker for you, isn't it? You're not going to magically get over the desire to have a child. When it hits you, its unlikely to go away I am afraid.

To give a meaningful answer, we need ages- yours and his.

If he is under 35 then he may well find having a child a very scary prospect. I know men in their late 20s and early 30s who say they cannot think about having a child until they are mid-late 30s when their careers are more stable and they feel more 'ready'.

If you are not yet 30 you have time to wait and see if he warms to the idea.

If you are over 30 then I think you have to leave him. Not having a child when you are broody now is going to prey on your mind until you are late 40s when it will all be too late.

I don't suggest you have an 'accidental' pregnancy to trick him into being a father. some men warm to this when it happens but it's risk and not fair IMO.

You don't need to come to terms with not having a child- you need to come to terms with the fact that your marriage may not be viable.

Did the late period and symptoms coincide with taking a risk- contraception wise- and was it an early miscarriage, or a kind of phantom pregnancy, I wonder?

If you want children and he's the reason you can't have them, when you are too old to have them, you might feel ok, the feeling might pass, or it might smash you in the face that he has taken the chance of motherhood from you. It's unlikely you will be able to forgive him for that.

Talk to him honestly, you want DCs, if he really, really doesn't, if he wouldn't be ok with having a child, then he needs to tell you.

And then you need to pull out of buying the property, with no DCs and no property bought, ending hte relationship would be rather simple now, keep it simple, your relationship won't last if you really want children and he really doesn't.

oh and dont feel trapped by your earlier stance, just because you didnt want DCs 5 years ago doesn't mean you are wrong to want them now, it's ok to change your mind.