DH has left me while pregnant and moved on straight away

[Littleowl24]

Just over 4 weeks ago DH told me he no longer wanted to be with me anymore. He just cares for me as a friend and nothing more. I was 17 weeks pregnant at the time. Although I know things haven't been great between us lately the break up still came as a shock. I suggested couples therapy but he won't do that he just wants to end things. He's had huge work commitments and we have a 2yo. I've had some health problems while pregnant so have been a little miserable lately. All these add to stress in a relationship but I didn't believe for a moment that we would break up. We are still living together and for a while he still slept in my bed but recently he has moved into the spare room as I don't seem to be dealing with it very well. I've had this feeling that there is more to this than he's letting on so I've been snooping. I'm not proud of that at all but I thought there was someone else and I couldn't let it go. Very recently I found a message to his friend talking about how much he is seeing another woman and running out of excuses to tell me to stay away and hotels are getting expensive. I moved a bit too quickly and told him what I found. He's pretty angry at me as I've taking his privacy away. He wasn't ready to tell anyone about this so I've taken that away from him to WTF!! He's now telling me that this only happened after he broke up with me and he does sound believable but I'm in total shock that he's moved on so quickly and I hate the idea of him sleeping with another woman.

Although he's told me he doesn't want to be with me this still fells very very wrong. There is nothing I can do about it even if he is telling the truth or not. At the end of the day he doesn't love me and I can't make him. I guess what I'm asking is how do I move on? How do I forgive and forget? I was so excited about having a baby but now I'm so scared of being on my own and worried how I will cope with two young children while he is off starting a new relationship. Any advice will be very much appreciated, thank you x

This did NOT happen after he broke up with you, this is the REASON he broke up with you
Arse

you will be ok, someone better than I will be along. but hand holding form me

He cheated on you. I was in your position whilst pregnant and it's heartbreaking and awful but you must get tough!!!! You have a baby to think of. Where will you Live ? What will you get from divorce? What maintenance will
He pay? Please tell your midwife about this.

Of course he started this before he dumped you. He hasn't 'moved on quickly' he's cheated on you. Lying, cunting arsehole. He has to move out!

This has been going on for some time. Do not believe a word he says about it, he's lying.

Hope you can keep calm and you're ok.

Someone with much more knowledge will be around very soon.

Heartbreaking...:(

Please look after yourself but get yourself to a solicitor ASAP, before you do anything else. It will be free of charge and will at least give you some information.

There is a very knowledgeable lady on here called Olgaga who posts a load of links about separation and divorce - maybe search for her?

Thank you for the support and I'll look up Olgaga to. I've been seeing my MW and doctor a lot lately due to my high BP. The stress has made it a lot worse. I don't believe for a second that it's only just stared but I can't prove otherwise and he won't admit it. Even if he did it it doesn't change anything. We are still separating and he's leaving me while I'm pregnant. I'm absolutely devastated by being left like this and it's so hard to think of the future. I want to move on but I feel stuck and finding it so hard to be strong right now x

Ahhh... the cheaters 'script'
He's following it nicely.
He's cheated.
He won't try to save your relationship because he wants to be with someone else.
Time to get practical.
Is the house mortgaged?
Is it in both your names?
Or do you rent?
Do you work or are you SAHM?

Firstly, contact family and/or friends and get some RL support. Don't listen to him and his 'I wasn't ready to tell'! Diddums!!! NOT!
Do not protect his dirty secret. This is about you and your kids and the support you will need now to see you through.
Contact CAB and find out what you are entitled to as a single parent.
Then find out what you would get in maintenance payments.
Get to a solicitor. Lots offer first 1/2 hour consultation for free.

Then, pack up his stuff and kick him the fuck out!
It is not OK that he's cheating on you and expecting to still live under the same roof as you.

Sounds crazy but it's the best way to make him realise 'loss'.
As he hasn't immediately moved out, I am assuming she is married?

Time to get tough. Time to get angry.

Make sure you look after yourself and your baby.
Keep hydrated and keep your sugar levels up.

This is totally shit and I'm so sorry you are having to go through this now and while carrying his baby is just awful for you.

for you.

I have an appointment booked with a solicitor tomorrow for my free 20 mins

Well done - good start.
Get in touch with someone who can come round and support you now.
My biggest regret was keeping it to myself and bottled up.
Does you no good and will certainly not help with your blood pressure.
A problem halved, and all that!

This is a truly a shit time. We can all tell you lots of things about getting through this but you will do it in your own way and in your own time.
Don't expect to 'move on' quickly.
You are no doubt, still in shock.
But... what we can all tell you is that it WILL get better.
You WILL get through it.
Won't feel like it for some time but you will.

And please try not to do the 'pick me' dance.
Kick him out and do it now!
Get yourself some head space for this to all sink in.

Little owl, let's be clear here,

You have a 2 year old child
You are 17 weeks pregnant
You have pregnancy related health problems
Your dh tells you he wants to break up,
He carries on living in your house
He has been cheating on you

You are well rid. If you ever have moments of wanting him back, read the above list. When he married you he agreed to love you and remain faithfully to you for ever. In sickness and health. What a scumbag. You are well rid.

Email him the cheater's script, and when anyone asks, tell them 'We split because he cheated on me, although if you ask him he will tell you that with incredibly convenient timing, he met the woman of his dreams the second he decided, completely unprompted, that he needed to leave his 17 weeks pregnant wife.' And then smile.

Refer to his cheating when you need to when you are talking with him. Smile blankly when he protests and answer 'Don't worry, I know I am well rid - you don't need to waste your time inventing any story at all.'

But before this, get any and all information you can on finances, see a solicitor, do not discuss ANYTHING with him, and get the ball rolling.

Oh sweetie, I feel for you. unmumsnetty hugs from me. You must feel so vulnerable and alone. Please talk to whoever you have, family, friends. You deserve better than a man like that, and so do your children.

I agree with others that he probably was playing away long before you knew about it, but that doesn't help you now either way.

You deserve better. Keep telling yourself that.

You were quite right to snoop. He forfeited any right to privacy the moment he chose to break your heart.

You don't need proof that he'd been cheating before he told you that your relationship was over, you KNOW he was. He's just a fucking liar, and a pathetic and despicable coward to boot.

What makes it even more angry-making is that he won't just fuck off and leave you alone to start trying to get over it.

Pack his bags and chuck them out on the doorstep. If the OW can't have him because she's married he can book himself into a hotel or sleep on a mate's sofa.

What a fucking cunt!

I'm so sorry this has happened to you OP. Remember to take care of yourself. I know it's hard but you can do it

What a bastard. He's staying not out of care for you and the baby but because it is convenient, otherwise he'd be at OW's house. Perhaps she is also married or has children, but there is a reason that he has been having to stay in hotels.

He doesn't seem to be suffering too much at all right now: he's just living at home and sending blasé texts to mates about needing to make excuses to you. There's no hint of a conscience.

So, make it difficult for him. As Bitterandonlyslightlytwisted says, pack his bags, leave them on the step and then put a chain on the door.

What a fucking cunt!
as quoted above.

It doesn't matter whether he knew her before or after the split.
Kick him out.

before this, get any and all information you can on finances, see a solicitor, do not discuss ANYTHING with him
and this, too.

and again, he's a cunt. you're going to have two babies and you to look after. don't have any consideration for him at all. he's a cruel bastard.

Take him to the cleaners. You control this show, not him. Refuse to engage and get him out of the house ASAP.

What a wanker. Lucky lady that's got him, she's caught herself a prize.

'Taking his privacy away' what the actual fuck?!

You do not have to forgive his cheating arse. Or forget.

This is olgaga's blog:

surviveseparation.blogspot.co.uk

The lying dick! It's not his secret to keep. He has cheated on you and your marriage so he can face up to people knowing the ugly truth about him.

If you simply can't throw him out for various reasons and you HAVE to have him in the house, make sure you are doing nothing at all for him.
No washing, shopping, cooking, cleaning.
Nothing at all.
He's on his own now.

I say the above because my Ex didn't move out for 6 months.
It was hell. If he has somewhere to go make sure he goes.

Gudanov's Law

The quantity of time required for a twat to drown in his own shite is inversely proportional to the the volume of shite produced by the twat in unit time.

Really sorry to hear this, what a horrible position to be in.
Very upsetting.

Just remember though that many many women have been in your shoes and have, given time, turned their lives around and will tell you that they are happy, in the long run. You are far stronger than you know.

Don't waste time on fruitless arguments about whether he was messing around before he seperated from you - it avoids the main pont, which is what is best for you now and how can you best get him to create the least upset for you and the most support for yuor kids.

Prepare yourself for the meeting with the solicitor - the time will go fast and s/he won't need to hear any of the emotional details.

What do you most need to know? Go prepared with the details of your house, job and individual and joint financial situation.

Ask about getting him out of the house (unfortunately I think that you can't if it is a joint tenancy or mortgage).

Other MNers will be more experienced in the questions you should prepare.

Good luck, OP - this is all about him and his terrible behaviour.

Anger at you invading his privacy, spoiling the timing of the big public announcement - dear me someone's throwing his toys out of the pram.

Hope you can mobilise family and friends to rally round. Halfway through the pregnancy and he is too stupid to at least move out.

It may cramp Romeo's style and encourage him to clear out if you plan your own evenings out and weekends away, as he is perfectly capable of looking after DC1.

Very sorry to read this has happened to you, LittleOwl - what a bastard your H is. :(

One thing I will say is that it really doesn't matter whether or not he started the affair with this woman prior to telling you that it was over - because in his head he'd already ditched his marriage. He might think that he has somehow been more noble to say that he didn't do anything prior to telling you, but he really hasn't - he's still broken his wedding vows, he's still a nasty cheating shithead and he's still leaving you with a toddler and health problems while pg, which makes him a grade 1 fuckwit.

Get him out of your home ASAP. He probably is and has been sleeping with the OW for some time now, especially if hotels have been involved.

Tell your family and friends - do NOT ask him to do this, there is no shame in this for you, only for him. So tell them before he has a chance to re-write history and tell them some warped version of "Littleowl and I weren't getting on, the marriage was dead in the water, I was so unhappy and this OW made me feel like I mattered again" blah blah shit. Get in there first, get the support you need (and you will need it) and get the lying parasite out of your home.

Good luck with the solicitor - I hope you get a shit-hot one who can make the best of this horrible situation for you. and