DH has left me while pregnant and moved on straight away

[Littleowl24]

Just over 4 weeks ago DH told me he no longer wanted to be with me anymore. He just cares for me as a friend and nothing more. I was 17 weeks pregnant at the time. Although I know things haven't been great between us lately the break up still came as a shock. I suggested couples therapy but he won't do that he just wants to end things. He's had huge work commitments and we have a 2yo. I've had some health problems while pregnant so have been a little miserable lately. All these add to stress in a relationship but I didn't believe for a moment that we would break up. We are still living together and for a while he still slept in my bed but recently he has moved into the spare room as I don't seem to be dealing with it very well. I've had this feeling that there is more to this than he's letting on so I've been snooping. I'm not proud of that at all but I thought there was someone else and I couldn't let it go. Very recently I found a message to his friend talking about how much he is seeing another woman and running out of excuses to tell me to stay away and hotels are getting expensive. I moved a bit too quickly and told him what I found. He's pretty angry at me as I've taking his privacy away. He wasn't ready to tell anyone about this so I've taken that away from him to WTF!! He's now telling me that this only happened after he broke up with me and he does sound believable but I'm in total shock that he's moved on so quickly and I hate the idea of him sleeping with another woman.

Although he's told me he doesn't want to be with me this still fells very very wrong. There is nothing I can do about it even if he is telling the truth or not. At the end of the day he doesn't love me and I can't make him. I guess what I'm asking is how do I move on? How do I forgive and forget? I was so excited about having a baby but now I'm so scared of being on my own and worried how I will cope with two young children while he is off starting a new relationship. Any advice will be very much appreciated, thank you x

Littleowl - make sure you protect yourself online - always log out, close things down, clear your cookies and your browsing history so he can't check out what you're looking at or where you're getting your information.

And play your cards VERY close to your chest - tell him NOTHING. Also, don't believe a word he says because he will feel that he owes you nothing and therefore will have no compunction in lying his arse off.

By the sound of it, you are now just an impediment to his shiny new life with the OW and you will be treated as such so he will stoop lower than you can believe possible (he's already started!).
Basically expect the worst from him at all points and times; you might get lucky and have a pleasant surprise but you're less likely to have any nasty shocks!

Just out of interest if any of you got the chance to speak to the OW what would you say? I've drafted an email to her but have no where to send it or if it would make any difference. I wasn't abusive just explained how hard it is to be a mum and pregnant and lonely it is when you have no emotional support or love from partner. She doesn't have children so I want her to understand how hurtful it is what she is doing. To her I'm just a blank face.

www.rightsofwomen.org.uk/
free legal advice

what a fg git

You don't ever write to the OW.
SHE is NOT the one who has cheated on you.
She didn't swear in front of God and family to remain faithful to you. HE did!
ALL of your anger and rage should be towards your shitbag of a H!
You will just be accused of being the crazy Ex and that's not something you want.
Keep your dignity and your head held high.
You will gain nothing from 'letting her know'
She already knows.

I always wanted to meet the OW but when it came to it, I couldn't see the point.

Good luck with the solicitor. I think you'll be surprised by what you are entitled to.
Gather any financial paperwork you can.
Do you know what he earns?
His pension?

As you will be left with the 2 children, you are entitled to more than 50% of the house and half the savings, half of any other assetts and half his pension.
He's gonna be very shocked by what you can and will take from him.
If he wants to keep a share in the house then he needs to keep paying towards it and also needs to pay maintenance.

He's going to find this is very expensive. Poor bunny!

I'd normally say to rise above it, don't give her the time of day. I didn't and I'm glad I didn't. Not like she was suddenly going to turn around and say, "gosh you're right, I'm so sorry for my behaviour".

But in your situation (in terms of young children) something is making me feel it might not be such a bad idea.

Your STBExH is a cock of the highest order.

Write it, then save it, don't send it, as I'm with other posters here that you should keep everything concealed from him now on, even how hurt you are. Dignified silence, business like, no matter how you are breaking inside. Really feel for you. Anyway, she got the prize dick, god knows what lines he spun her, more fool her.

just explained how hard it is to be a mum and pregnant and lonely it is when you have no emotional support or love from partner. She doesn't have children so I want her to understand how hurtful it is what she is doing

But she won't understand, she doesn't care clearly, and it gives her and your cheating exH knowledge about your feelings, which could make you vulnerable. Silence is power.

I wouldnt bother writing a letter to her, it'll go tits up eventually, a relationship built on deceit wont ever last, because they both know, they both capable of cheating.

He'll probably come crawling back to you, when he realises, he's gonna be skint, no one to do his washing or warm his bed.

Tell him to get fucked and not in the sense he so obviously likes.

Yes, UpTheChimney is right. I reread your post OP and the same lines that she quoted and thought no, a letter would be a bad idea.

I'm looking forward to hearing what the solicitor has to say. I think it's important that you feel you have some security after what this twat has done. What an absolute scumbag. I get that people "fall out of love" but having a backup woman waiting in the wings and then five mins later telling you you need to move out is just flabbergasting!

You have had a very lucky escape her. I know you have some difficult and trying times ahead with a new baby on the way but it will be worth it to know you haven't wasted your life on this idiot!

I also agree that you shouldn't communicate with the ow. She hasn't caused this split and you really don't want to be getting worked up and embroiled in anymore bitterness whilst you are pregnant.
Use all your energy to set your new life up.

Thank you I came close to making a massive mistake there. I'm not thinking with my head at all x

Hi op

I second don't contact or have anything to do with the OW it will come back on you, right now your the wronged pregnant mum to be with a shit for a husband that's the position you fight from.

You have no control over him or her, and you don't know what he might have spun her in terms of info on you and the marriage.
Dealing with her is a stress maker you don't want, she got the booby prize which is him, you've dodged a bullet at some point you will see just what a favour the two of them have done you.

Get to a solicitor and deal with him only through them. Don't agree to a thing or get involved with negotiations with him, he's already making demands and doesn't care about you or his child or the one your carrying.

It looks like he's hoping for a quick clean break all on his terms, this is where the old mn saying comes in, fuck off to the far side of fuck then fuck off some more, make this your mantra.

Congrats on the baby stay as calm as you can and breath

Unfortunately, at this stage, we just don't think with our heads.
We are angry, hurt and in physical pain so of course emotions take over!
If you feel like doing something you are not sure of, then come on here and run it past the wise women of MN and see if it's still a good idea.

Do write down your feelings and pour out all your hurt and anger in writing or on the computer. Just keep it for you though. It helps to get it all out there, or just tell us.

Please make sure you stop doing anything for him.
Nothing. No washing, cooking, cleaning, ironing, tidying.
He can manage all that on his own now.
You have yourself and your DC and baby to prioritise now.
He can fuck off to the far side of fuck!

Bless you - I really hope you are doing OK.

OP, I was in almost the same situation as you last year. My now exH announced when I was 14 weeks pregnant that he completely regretted us making a baby, didn't love me etc. I found texts on his phone and had exactly the same reaction (he even mentioned North Korea Fgs)

Anyway, he was an utter twunt and the stupidest thing I did was, him having moved out, gave him another chance. I was really ill through my pregnancy (hyperemesis) and it was really really tough BUT it keeps getting better. My little acrobat just turned one and whilst I do still have moments of true sadness, I'm getting there, and my three DCs are doing just fine.

Right now, knowledge is power. I hope you have a constructive meeting with your solicitor, and as others have said, don't let your STBexH know anything about the meeting. He has responsibilities to you and both your babies, he cannot make you do anything. He knows this deep down which is why the threats and bullying tactics come out.

Anyway, PM me if you want to chat at all with someone who has very much "been there got the tshirt".

Ohhhh! I see.

He's a liar AND a cheat.

Nice man

Glad you've taken on board that it would be a Bad Thing to contact the OW - it won't help your cause and it won't change the situation.

Say she doesn't know about you, but say that your letter made her realise. and she decided she'd made a mistake so ditches your lying cheating scumbag H - then what? He comes back and begs forgiveness? What do you do then? Take him back and wait for him to do it again? Because he's very likely to do it again.

And if she already does know about you, then your letter won't affect her at all because she's already made that decision to be with someone who treats his pregnant wife like that - she won't change her mind now.

Anything you write to her will be used against you, however reasonable you make it. If she's as horrible as your H then they might even laugh over it. Don't give them that opportunity or power.

So - as others have said, write the letter but then burn it. It's cathartic to write down everything you want to say to her, but never actually saying it is a far better route.

If you can, keep even your feelings private from your H. Let him know you're disappointed in him, of course, and that you are hurt and upset and angry - but don't let him know how badly he has affected you if you can avoid it.

I'd say being a "blank face" to the OW is an advantage, actually - try and keep it that way for as long as you can manage!

Stay strong lovely lady - you're doing well so far. x

OMG how very exciting.
I will be contacting him immediately as I want my lying, cheating, scumbag of husband back, because I don't deserve any better!!
Hahahahahahahahahahahah!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Reported of course!

Wow - never seen the 'hidden' message before.
Loving it.

Littleowl I haven't had a chance to read your whole thread but didn't want to read and run, have got the gist of things from your op and I am so very sorry to hear that your twunt of a H has done this to you. I do hope you have RL support (as well as the lovely ladies of MN), going through this alone is unthinkable. Please do hold your "tongue" so to speak with regards to the other OW, as another poster says silence is power in this situation. Give him and her for that matter nothing at all with which to assess or engage with you. Proceed immediately through legal measures and by all means post here if you need to vent. www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2076472-Dear-STBXH?
is a magnificent thread that may help you see a way through, or at least that there is light to be found at the end of the tunnel, though it is most unlikely you will see it now. for you.

I have no advice, but I just wanted to reiterate that your dh is an utter cock. He has treated you appallingly. Don't let him tell you otherwise or let him play the victim. I can't believe he has the audacity to be angry with you! I am angry on your behalf. Hugs.

The reply from Blu is perfect advice-it may sound difficult but having been thorugh ut ...it is exactly what you should do....really hope you get sorted very soon

By the way, do you have an email or text in which he advises you to move 3 hours away with his children? This could come in very handy later. Let him keep making these outrageous suggestions, and file every single one. Try to get him communicating only by email, so you can print these gems out for the judge. Don't tell him a way that suggests you're creating a paper trail. Do it in a "I'm too emotional to speak" kinda way.

Gosh. What a cock.

I can't think up enough words to describe him.

Hope the meeting with your solicitor goes well, the other posters are right, he can't make you do anything!

Stay strong and keep posting.

Here's my update:
The solicitor was good but there was too much information. Luckily I knew some of it by reading your comments. She's pretty much said what you have all said.

Tonight I asked very nicely if he would leave the house just to stay with a friend for a bit as seeing him every day is putting a lot of pressure on me. He absolutely will not leave as he says it's his house to he has no where to go and he we can't afford 2 mortgages or rent. I can leave if I want. Looks like we have to live together until I can sort out a financial solution. It's so frustrating I don't want to live with him any more and I'm not moving out. He's stubborn but if I was him I wouldn't move out either. How do I financially do this? I'll be doing a lot of research tomorrow.