DH has left me while pregnant and moved on straight away

[Littleowl24]

Just over 4 weeks ago DH told me he no longer wanted to be with me anymore. He just cares for me as a friend and nothing more. I was 17 weeks pregnant at the time. Although I know things haven't been great between us lately the break up still came as a shock. I suggested couples therapy but he won't do that he just wants to end things. He's had huge work commitments and we have a 2yo. I've had some health problems while pregnant so have been a little miserable lately. All these add to stress in a relationship but I didn't believe for a moment that we would break up. We are still living together and for a while he still slept in my bed but recently he has moved into the spare room as I don't seem to be dealing with it very well. I've had this feeling that there is more to this than he's letting on so I've been snooping. I'm not proud of that at all but I thought there was someone else and I couldn't let it go. Very recently I found a message to his friend talking about how much he is seeing another woman and running out of excuses to tell me to stay away and hotels are getting expensive. I moved a bit too quickly and told him what I found. He's pretty angry at me as I've taking his privacy away. He wasn't ready to tell anyone about this so I've taken that away from him to WTF!! He's now telling me that this only happened after he broke up with me and he does sound believable but I'm in total shock that he's moved on so quickly and I hate the idea of him sleeping with another woman.

Although he's told me he doesn't want to be with me this still fells very very wrong. There is nothing I can do about it even if he is telling the truth or not. At the end of the day he doesn't love me and I can't make him. I guess what I'm asking is how do I move on? How do I forgive and forget? I was so excited about having a baby but now I'm so scared of being on my own and worried how I will cope with two young children while he is off starting a new relationship. Any advice will be very much appreciated, thank you x

Just leave him to himself, Littleowl. Stop doing anything for him - stop cooking for him, cleaning up after him, doing his laundry, make him move out of your bedroom etc. etc. (Or you may have to move out, depending on how much of an arse he is).
Ignore him except for practical requests. You have no need to make conversation with him now. Be civil but that's it. Make him feel as unwelcome as you can.

And yes, keep everything - it might seem petty but oh it really isn't. It all adds up to a campaign, so every little tiny shred of extra evidence adds up.

MY heart really goes out to you Littleowl. I completely agree you stop doing anything at all to make life easier for this complete arsehole. I would be tempted though to make him the odd meal during your lowest periods. Namely ready prepared Jus-Rol pastry, equal amounts of dog food mixed in with his favourite pie filling perhaps tarted up a bit with a splash of wine or ale. If the bastard asks why he gets the odd meal cooked, just smile sweetly and say it was left over. Please note this should only be used when you feel things are getting on top of you and you need a bit of light relief. Obviously this is a bit passive aggressive however until you get all the legals worked out and have your baby you do not want to go full hammer and tongs on the revenge front. Think he is a complete and utter C..t though. Depending on what you are looking for there is a range of human grade dog food online. So hope this situation gets easier for you soon and you get him out of the house.

Woody - afaik, all dog food is tasted by a human taster, so technically it's all human grade

Torture. He is obviously hoping u will buckle and go back to your family.

He wants cash for his new life more than he wants u and your toddler to be ok! :0

This man is so selfish! He doesn't want you but he won't move out?

Horrid horrid man

Stay strong, you've had some great advice here. Have you told his parents yet? Can't imagine they would be too impressed...

You will find strength in yourself you never knew you had. That's good you have booked in to see a solicitor. You're taking control back. You will be ok. You will bd better without him. Nothing is more crippling than being lied to and manipulated - once you step away from that things will get better for you and your children. He needs to move out, it's an insult to you to try and continue to live with you for convenience. Good luck . You're not alone

Thank you. I do feel manipulated by him. I hate the idea that he's seeing another woman while living with me it is an insult. He says he will tell me all about her but I think that's just cruel. He actually believes he is doing nothing wrong and he's had his privacy invaded. At least all this tension is helping me to loose feelings for him. I'm totally getting over him now.

Yes I've told my parents and a few friends now. They're not too happy with him although his mates are totally on his side

He is just going on the offensive out of guilt with the privacy line. Again, not an argument to get drawn into. Just say 'I k is exactly how you feel, I have had my marriage invaded' And walk away.

He is being outrageous. If he has been paying out for hotels he could afford a flat share. Does he have any family close by ? How would you feel about telling them what is going on ?

I agree but he just won't back down and going on about me invading his right to privacy. I have accidentally told his mum. He's going to be mad if he finds that out. She wants him to tell her himself. She's pretty disappointed but wants to remain neutral. She'll still be there for me and the kids.

I think what I want to do now is bight my tongue when talking to him and don't show him any emotions. I need to find a way to either buy him out of the house or give him money to go away. There must be a way.

I bet I'm not the only one who is glad you told her.

She'll still be there for me and the kids.

Remember, that there'll come a time when she takes her son's side though and has to be there more for him than you (just as all of us would at some point, if it were our son).

Oh owl I'm so sorry he is still being such a selfish knob.

Biting your tongue with talking to him and not showing any emotions is a good strategy. Just disengage.

You shouldn't need to pay him money to go away. Legally, you may be able to get an occupation order from the court that says he must go and you an the children continue to live in the house. Your solicitor will be able to advise you about this.

IMO your best bet is to continue to say nothing to stbx and continue to move forward with the divorce.

Can you get that in writing (a text or an email) that he wants your to move 3 hours away? That will be a useful piece of information to have.

Do disengage for him, no cooking, cleaning, washing ironing but (and I'm sorry to restate this if its said upthread) if you feel insecure or threatened call the police. Even if its to ask them to put your address on a high priority to respond.

There will be a time that your MIL will support her son, be cautious what you say to her. Follow MsSquirrels advice re money - you do not have to pay him to go away

I've asked him to leave but he says it's half his house to. He's wants to get half the equity out of the house and me move 3 hrs away to be closer to family so I can get their help. All I've said to this is that I love my home and my friends and my job and my daughter loves living here. I don't want to move but he says I can't afford to buy him out the house and pay the mortgage. That's true as I work part time so my wage is low but I could change that if I needed to after maternity. Maybe moving towards family would make it easier but my friends are really amazing and have been so supportive to me and I'd hate to leave them. I also love my job, the work life balance is great and I'd be worried I couldn't find a job like that again.
I'm so sorry to hear of your situation - I don't have much to add as it's all been said but please please please DO NOT be manipulated into doing what he wants. Do not move 3 hours away, do not leave the house. You love your home, your friends, your job - these will be your rocks whilst you shed yourself of this waste of skin.
Incidentally does the OW know you are pregnant? he's probably been telling her you haven't been intimate for years.

be cautious what you say to the MIL, yes, she won't be able to HELP HERSELF updating him.

I agree taht it's pointless to write to the ow, as your h will have told her 'oh it's over between me and wife and has been for a while and would be even if you weren't with me' so the ow will feel (erroneously) that you just can't accept the truth that the relationship was dead and that she's a symptom not the cause. that's what she will believe.

you are right to stay where you are if you can at all. I did have to relocate to my family and it meant I lost everything. Yes, I had my mum to look after me and help with the children but it was a MAJOR life set back not just a relationship breakdown as i had had a job i could have gone back to and a home and friends, then suddenly i had no friends nearby adn instead of being somebody with a job open, i was unemployed with two young children.

OP must add your H is pretty thick if he thinks he can just take half the equity and waltz off, He clearly hasn't looked into what the split will entail with 2 young kids; You have already seen a solicitor - you need to arm yourself with facts and take action now - you need to go on the offensive to protect yourself and the kids, don't wait for him to tell you what is going to happen - you call the shots now.
If you have to live together do nothing for him, no cooking, no cleaning, no washing, no shopping, nothing. Sleep in another room.
Look after yourself x

In due course your solicitor will lay down the basis on which you deal with the house etc. I agree, you need to press ahead with this.
As part of reaching a settlement the sloicitor will advocate mediation. This is not emotional, relationship mediation, but a mediated discussion about what is fair and what is lawful in the division of assets. Through this he will discover that no way is he entitled to half the equity if you have residency of the children.
They will encourage a discussion which leads to an agreement which would be acceptable in a court hearing.
As I understand it, if there is enough equity in the house that your share would enable you to buy a smaller house, but big enough for you and the kids, then they make suggest a settlement rather than a mesher order - and that would free you from ongoing involvement (fnancially etc) from this selfish git.

Put some energy into establishing how much you will have to play with as a single parent - Child Benefit, tax credits, child support from him etc etc.

Remember that you will also be entitled to a share of his current pensions and savings and anything else he has.

I would invade his privacy a bit more and take copies of all his policies, if he has any.

I am really sorry you are having to deal with this, but you sound strong and clear.

Relationshiops break down, sadly people fall for other people - but his behaviour towards you and his selfishness and lack of responsibility toeards his child and unborn child is shocking. You must go hell for leather to look after your interests in the face of this.

Pull together your team of close girlfriends - or find new ones, ask one to be a special friend to your toddler (childcare and attention once yu have your newborn) , and one to be your birth partner and godmother to your unborn baby - start building your new life networks now - they will be invaluable.

Good luck, Owl, and all strength to you.

What a vile disgusting cunt. Sorry. I don't have anything else to add but im actually seething on your behalf. Pathetic little worm. His parents must be so proud.

The only ways to make him move out are either through the divorce process, he will be told he has to move out by the court.

Or if he is threatening and aggressive/violent enough for you to get an Occupation Order which means again that the court will order him out.

I do not think you should move out unless you and DC are at risk.

I had to live with XH for 3 months whilst divorce was sorted and it was hellish but so worth it.

Press ahead with the divorce and it will all be over soon. Good luck.

I'm glad you let it slip to MIL - it's only happening thanks to him and affects your life so too bad if he was planning a no doubt highly edited big reveal.

He has enjoyed the 'thrill' of subterfuge and secret jollies so you pre-empting any dramatic announcements is tough luck.

It would suit him very nicely if you quietly disappear 3 hours' away with DC and let him get on with being centre stage. I don't think so.

It sounds a bit over the top but try and note any remarks he makes to you about financial or childcare issues - date and time them - so your solicitor has a full picture

He absolutely will not leave as he says it's his house to he has no where to go and he we can't afford 2 mortgages or rent. I can leave if I want

So is his plan for you to live together for 18 more years then?

I agree that you should press ahead with divorce proceedings.

He decided to cheat. He decided that your marriage was over (when you were 17 weeks pregnant). He then decided that you can't afford 2 mortgages or rent. He decided that you should move 3 hours away.

How about he doesn't get to decide anymore? How about the courts tell him to move out of your house, to find somewhere else for him to live and pay maintenance while keeping his name on the mortgage for the next 18 years.

I really hope you get a good lawyer and he gets the shock of his life.

sorry new to this thread, not sure if anyone has mentioned it before but I know that other women on here have gone to several solictors to get their free half hour sessions enabling them to get as much info as possible for free.

He can't afford two houses? Bahaha!

He better get used to it.

Tell him it will be cheaper than sleazy hotel rooms and to get the fuck out!

When I read posts like LBZT's I feel that my head is going to explode.

Fgs don't even think about giving him money to move out! He is NOT entitled to be bought out, or anything of the sort. It he won't move out, and you can't afford to either, then the house will be sold. Assets will then be split , but he won't get 50/50. You will have DC to house and look after; he will have to pay maintenance for you to do that for HIS children!

Coparenting in the same house is tough, but can be done IF you stand your own ground, maintain your own space, and don't think of yourself as anything other than flatmates. As had been said before, no cooking/cleaning/ironing etc