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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

DH has left me while pregnant and moved on straight away

104 replies

Littleowl24 · 05/08/2014 10:59

Just over 4 weeks ago DH told me he no longer wanted to be with me anymore. He just cares for me as a friend and nothing more. I was 17 weeks pregnant at the time. Although I know things haven't been great between us lately the break up still came as a shock. I suggested couples therapy but he won't do that he just wants to end things. He's had huge work commitments and we have a 2yo. I've had some health problems while pregnant so have been a little miserable lately. All these add to stress in a relationship but I didn't believe for a moment that we would break up. We are still living together and for a while he still slept in my bed but recently he has moved into the spare room as I don't seem to be dealing with it very well. I've had this feeling that there is more to this than he's letting on so I've been snooping. I'm not proud of that at all but I thought there was someone else and I couldn't let it go. Very recently I found a message to his friend talking about how much he is seeing another woman and running out of excuses to tell me to stay away and hotels are getting expensive. I moved a bit too quickly and told him what I found. He's pretty angry at me as I've taking his privacy away. He wasn't ready to tell anyone about this so I've taken that away from him to WTF!! He's now telling me that this only happened after he broke up with me and he does sound believable but I'm in total shock that he's moved on so quickly and I hate the idea of him sleeping with another woman.

Although he's told me he doesn't want to be with me this still fells very very wrong. There is nothing I can do about it even if he is telling the truth or not. At the end of the day he doesn't love me and I can't make him. I guess what I'm asking is how do I move on? How do I forgive and forget? I was so excited about having a baby but now I'm so scared of being on my own and worried how I will cope with two young children while he is off starting a new relationship. Any advice will be very much appreciated, thank you x

OP posts:

brokenhearted55a · 05/08/2014 15:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

Littleowl24 · 05/08/2014 18:07

Thank you for your comments today. Some of them have made me giggle to. I think the OW is just coming out of a long term relationship and doesn't have children. H tells me he's not been to her house which makes me think that she is still living with her ex or BF. Good advice on getting myself prepared for the solicitor. I will write a list of things I need to know.

I've asked him to leave but he says it's half his house to. He's wants to get half the equity out of the house and me move 3 hrs away to be closer to family so I can get their help. All I've said to this is that I love my home and my friends and my job and my daughter loves living here. I don't want to move but he says I can't afford to buy him out the house and pay the mortgage. That's true as I work part time so my wage is low but I could change that if I needed to after maternity. Maybe moving towards family would make it easier but my friends are really amazing and have been so supportive to me and I'd hate to leave them. I also love my job, the work life balance is great and I'd be worried I couldn't find a job like that again.

It's still all very raw at the moment and it's hard to look ahead to think ill move on one day. I like the idea of finding a new and better man though x

OP posts:

SquidgyMummy · 05/08/2014 18:14

Glad you have good friends in RL.
He's not going to be getting half the house if he has 2 children to support and that's not even mentioning maintenance.

If he thinks hotels are expensive.....

AllMimsyWereTheBorogoves · 05/08/2014 18:15

He wants you and your two children to move three hours away from where you live now? He'd rather have the equity from the house than have his two children live near enough for him to see a lot of them?

My goodness, you're well out of this, Littleowl.

hamptoncourt · 05/08/2014 18:22

If you are eligible for tax credits once separated you might be able to afford the mortgage with tax credits, your p/t salary and maintenance. He will have to give you a minimum of 20% of his take home pay.

It's called a mesher order - his name has to stay on mortgage but your home would be for your use only until youngest is 18, and then you sell and split equity - as PP have said, you may well get more than 50%.

I think your DH is in for a shock once you have your legal advice.

Do you know what pension provision and savings he has?

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 05/08/2014 18:23

He is full of BS (that doesn't stand for bright solutions).

You don't have to rush into anything and certainly not to suit him.

Palepowder · 05/08/2014 18:31

What thumbwitch said. I was in your exact position back in February right down to husband refusing to leave the house ( minus the pregnancy but with 4 kids). The script is always the same (which was pointed out to me by lovely mumsnetters at the time). Funnily enough he has now realised his mistake and wants to come back .
Get rid of him. You are in an awful awful position right now. I have been there. Do not protect him or his feelings, tell everyone you need to, enlist their support and lean on them for help. You'll be surprised how many people will want to help you through this. Believe me, in 6 months time you will be in a far better place. X

MrsSquirrel · 05/08/2014 18:33

You may not need to buy him out of the house owl, at least not any time soon. Listen to your solicitor's advice, but you and the children may be able to stay in the family home until the youngest is 18. If you want to stay in the house, tell her that. He has a responsibility to keep a roof over his children's heads.

He is really turning out to be a selfish knob. So sorry you are in this situation.

MrsSquirrel · 05/08/2014 18:39

If you love your job, by all means keep it. Having a job you love, rather than just something you do to pay the bills, is a precious thing. Don't give it up just because stbx says so.

Thumbcat · 05/08/2014 19:10

WTF does he mean by saying you won't be able to "buy him out" and then pay the mortgage. He is seriously deluded if he thinks he can father two children and then just skip off into the sunset with his OW. Please post to tell us the look on his face once you've had legal advice and are telling him how things will actually be.

You are strong enough to get through this OP. You deserve more than a lying, cheating wanker.

Vivacia · 05/08/2014 19:19

He's wants to get half the equity out of the house and me move 3 hrs away to...

Aww, talk about deluded. As if his wishes come in to it from here on in.

...he says I can't afford to buy him out the house and pay the mortgage.

Blimey, he seems very confident for someone who isn't mentioning maintenance or Mesher Orders.

thestamp · 05/08/2014 19:23

This man is a twat. A stupid twat, at that.

That is all.

Love to you OP. Your DCs are lucky they have a mam with her head screwed on properly.

Blu · 05/08/2014 19:33

Well, he doesn't get to say what you do, or even have a part-say, given that he has removed himself from the relationship! How dare he be telling you what he thinks you should do? Especially as it seems to revolve around him getting you out of the house and your family picking up the mess he has created!

Of course check with the solicitor about your housing options and what you would likely be awarded. Also how you would pay for the legal fees. As you are still married, the fees might come out of your joint bank account! But I am not sure about that.

Personally, for now, I would get your advice but keep your cards close to your chest. Don't be shouting at him about mesher orders or the fact that it is very possible with 2 kids that you will be entitled to 70% of the equity, if he tries to browbeat you into any schemes, just say 'I think we'll need to take legal advice about that' and don't be drawn.

Once you have seen a solicitor, had chance to check out benefits and entitlements then you can calmly let him know that your solicitor will be in touch.

I suspect he will get a big shock.

Pat45 · 05/08/2014 19:34

Littleowl I am sorry to hear that you are going through this awful time. Make no mistake he has been seeing her for sometime. She is hardly getting a prize - someone who lies through their teeth and betrays his 17 week pregnant wife. Let me tell you she will turn into one very anxious OW if they stay together.

Even though you are in shock you are focussing on all the right things e.g. taking legal advice, staying near friends and planning to keep working. Well done, I take my hat off to you. You will be fine. It won't be easy but you really will be ok. When your gorgeous baby arrives you and your first born will have so much more love and joy in your life.

You stand a very good chance of staying in your home until the youngest leaves full time education. Your H is in for the shock of his life when he sees how much this is going to cost him, financially and emotionally. Don't be surprised if he comes back crying and begging forgiveness when he realises the impact of his actions. Don't ever try to protect him. Tell everyone he was unfaithful. His friends and family will be unanimously unimpressed. Don't tell him one word that the solicitor tells you. Get copies of any financial documents you can and if you have a joint account seek advice very quickly on how to protect your finances.

I was in your shoes 16 years ago pregnant with a 2 year old. My new baby was the best thing that happened to me. To this day it is very clear that myself and my children came out of the whole thing much better than my EXH. He lost more than we ever did. Good luck to you. You will go through some awful times but hold tight because you will be fine.

Pat45 · 05/08/2014 19:38

With regard to Blu's query about legal fees they will most likely be deducted from the final settlement.

thestamp · 05/08/2014 20:01

Once you have seen a solicitor, had chance to check out benefits and entitlements then you can calmly let him know that your solicitor will be in touch.

I suspect he will get a big shock.

I so agree x 10000 especially with the last sentence...
this man isn't just awful, he's stupid too.

Frogisatwat · 05/08/2014 20:36

And to add.. you could say 'its our house' you have decided that we are no longer a 'we'

StackladysMorphicResonator · 05/08/2014 22:22

He's deluded as well as being a shit if he thinks he's getting 50% of the equity in the family home. With a toddler and another on the way the court will be in your favour - he could be forced to stay on the mortgage until the youngest is 18 whereupon the house is sold and the proceeds split (with you getting significantly more than him since if he only puts in child maintenance that doesn't count as paying off the mortgage).

He sounds like a prize twat, does the OW know he's abandoning a pregnant woman and a 2-year-old? Maybe you should contact her and meet up - not to tell her to back off, since clearly you don't want him back, but to let her know what she's in for since she'll be getting a rather 'tinted' view from your STBXH...

Patrickstarisabadbellend · 05/08/2014 22:29

He's a piece of shit scumbag. Sorry OP

Viviennemary · 05/08/2014 22:32

Any man who does this to his wife is worth nothing. that's my opinion. He's annoyed at you!!! You deserve much better than this cheating toad. I am furious on your behalf. Hope things get better soon.

aprilanne · 05/08/2014 22:35

hello op .i am sorry for your hurt .i know it will be hard but you have the most important things .your toddler and your baby when they arrive .you will survive .we women are built of strong stuff .hopefully you can try and arrange somewhere for you three to make a fresh start .hopefully you have family near .

rosepetalsoup · 05/08/2014 22:43

What a horrible story - poor you OP.

PopularNamesInclude · 05/08/2014 22:43

He wants his toddler and his unborn baby to move 3 hours away?? So he's cheated on you and now he wants to take the roof from over his babies' heads. He wants to erase his family from the scene so he can start a life with the OW. There aren't enough insults to cover this shitbag.

The courts are not going to be impressed. He is very unlikely to get half the money out of that house. Ask the solicitor for advice on getting him shifted out of YOUR home.

Tell everyone you know that he's cheated on you and wants you all out of the picture. The righteous indignation of others will go some small way towards making you feel better.

EverythingCounts · 05/08/2014 22:44

Don't move if you don't want to, don't leave your job if you don't want to. It's your life now. He can whistle for what he thinks he will get. His children need to be provided for. He and the OW are going to get a big shock when they realise how tied into that he is still going to be.

Original poster

Littleowl24 · 06/08/2014 00:15

You ladies are awesome thank you so much. I have never heard of a mesher order before so thank you for all the new info. I can't wait to meet with a solicitor now. I'll let you know how I get on xx

OP posts:

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