Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Caught in the act . Mortified.

567 replies

SickOfAnts · 04/08/2014 20:13

Have once again turned to MN as in RL there is only DH to talk to.

The barebones of the story are that DH and I were caught in the act yesterday by our DDIL and the ramifications seem to be totally over the top.

We've had a stressful couple of years. Our relationship was put into question over an event which happened nearly 30 years ago, was a horrid time and still now it is in the background.

Last year our DS1 announced that his girlfriend was pregnant, they're both students in pretty full on studies. We supported them 100% and i gave up work to look after our beautiful GD.

Yesterday we looked after our GD, DS and DDIL are on holiday from uni but we offered to give them a break.
DH came home for lunch and we fawned over DGD for a while and then put her down for her siesta.
One thing led to another (consenting adults in their 50's) and to cut a long story short DDIL arrived (very quietly) and caught us in a compromising position.

Mortification is not the word.

She went into the kitchen and DH spoke to her/apologised.
She was all kinds of embarrassed.
She woke up DGD and went home.

Since then all hell has broken loose. DS can't trust us to look after DGD, if we can't hear DDIL coming in then how could we hear a baby crying?

I could die. I feel dreadful.

DH has pulled rank and has basically told DS to just drop it.

I feel sick.

Thankyou for reading this far. I know this is a total non story but it's very upsetting and embarrassing for me and i needed to share.

OP posts:
Jayne35 · 05/08/2014 16:16

OP, I have just read every single comment on this thread, it has made me laugh. Most of the posters think you have done nothing wrong so relax and try to not worry about it.

I just wanted to say that you sound like a wonderful GM and your DCs and GCs are very lucky.

I know if I had walked in on something I would have quietly left and probably not mentioned to my DH, least said soonest mended and all that.

I once walked in on my parents when I was 17 and I was a bit rude - shouted at them for being disgusting not being in the privacy of their own room. I was mortified that they were doing 'that' at their age, I have changed my views somewhat not I'm nearer that age Grin

Original poster
SickOfAnts · 05/08/2014 16:20

I haven't spoken to my son.
DH spoke to him briefly last evening. He basically apologised for causing DDIL's discomfort.
As is usually the case in our household DH will continue to be treated amiably and i shall get the accusatory looks.

(Woe is me ! Family life actually isn't as bad as that little diatribe makes it sound.)

OP posts:
Original poster
SickOfAnts · 05/08/2014 16:35

Jayne35
Thankyou very much for your kind comment. Very much needed.

Not sure that DC's or DGD are lucky to have me. I am certainly very lucky to have them and often count my blessings.

Even with many years of parenting under our belts DH and i do realise that we're no experts.
We've learnt lots from DS and DDIL and if we had our time again would do some things differently.
Looking after DGD isn't having our time again.
We are her Grandparents and as such it is not our place to parent.
We "Grandparent".
That means following someone elses rules and mainly enjoying the time we have with her.

(And continuing to enjoy the time she sleeps!)

OP posts:
doziedoozie · 05/08/2014 17:09

DH will continue to be treated amiably and i shall get the accusatory looks

Hmmm, not very fair, though I suspect it is a bit similar here.

Why is this, maybe because you are 'nice' and they can get away with being snotty and DH would get cross so they keep schtum. Maybe you should do a bit of the getting cross??

Maybe a loud and clear (and angry) 'OFGS grow up' to your DCs when comments are made might fix it.

Clutterbugsmum · 05/08/2014 17:21

Maybe a loud and clear (and angry) 'OFGS grow up' to your DCs when comments are made might fix it. yes and perhaps some pointed comments about them supporting themselves, and you cutting back your financial support towards them.

magoria · 05/08/2014 17:22

As is usually the case in our household DH will continue to be treated amiably and i shall get the accusatory looks.

Do not accept this! You and your DH were doing this. If your son starts on you in any way remind him that both of you were doing this, you are consenting adults and to wind his neck in.

mathanxiety · 05/08/2014 17:53

Your DS sounds like a very entitled and immature individual. I don't envy your DIL.

Why did he talk to his brother about this? I think you need to either address this matter with him yourself or have your DH haul him over the coals for speaking about this. I don't see what other reason he could have for talking to his brother than complete disrespect for you.

You are clearly mortified. I think your DH should acknowledge this more. Maybe he is trying his best, and maybe humour is one good way of getting everyone past this, but there is something wrong with your DS's attitude to you that needs unearthing and if your DS has no respect for you and no sense of humility in this situation, then your DH might be needed to point out that you have been wronged here. DS owes you an apology.

QueenofallIsee · 05/08/2014 19:08

I hope it all works out OP, I cannot imagine the horror of walking in on my in-laws doing the deed but I cannot see how them doing so would make them incompetent carers.

Please don't let your son punish you over this.. say sorry for embarrassing your DIL (easy, as you are sorry for that) and if DS starts sniping at you stand up for yourself! Get your DH to stand up for you too as it sounds as though your sons treat him with more respect. You are not the bad guy

QueenofallIsee · 05/08/2014 19:09

PS - please come back and tell me how the dinner went

Mucho · 05/08/2014 19:17

Will you be serving spotted dick for pudding?

Mmeh · 05/08/2014 19:26

I do think that the 'nicer' and more apologetic you are about all this, the more you are galvanising the stick with which they are beating you. Basically, by being nice and apologetic you are admitting to being wrong and 'dirty' and they are taking pleasure in beating you as it confirms to them that they are somehow right to be all hoity toity and embarrassed.

Well, the embarrassment is understandable but the prolonged sulking simply isn't. I think a few short sharp words along the lines of 'pull yourself together' if not literally at least in attitude would be the best way to get them to remove their heads from their own arses and realise how ridiculous and immature they are being. Good luck, OP.

thicketofstars · 05/08/2014 23:59

Wish you were my DM, Sickofants! You sound perfect.

Echocave · 06/08/2014 00:40

Seriously OP, lock the bloody door next time even if culturally or locally or whatever you don't normally do this.

I fully admit I'm a hideous old prude and I'm sure you'll all get over this but I think you could have considered not doing this in the middle of the main room when there was a remote chance of anyone walking in.

I'm not saying you're bad carers or anything like that but I do think you're a bit bloody stupid. Sorry.

And I agree with JellyStrawberries first post. dIL has kicked off due to a combination of shock, embarrassment and (unnecessary) PFB worry over her child's carers. I wonder if she actually dislikes the fact that she has to rely on her parents in law for childcare. So even more likely to go mad at perceived failures? I don't want to stir with that comment btw but I went back to work on a longer hours basis to avoid feeling indebted to grandparents.

I feel a bit cross reading this thread. Probably says more about me than you OP as you sound very nice. But you and your DH should probably keep your kecks on at work.

FlossyMoo · 06/08/2014 00:44

They weren't at work they were at home Confused

Echocave · 06/08/2014 00:48

Yes I see what you mean. But to DDIL they were sort of at work weren't they? As carers?

Anyway I've said enough now. Off to drink some delicious Arse wine. FFS don't try that one on the sofa OP...

FlossyMoo · 06/08/2014 00:54

Nope they were/are grandparents.

Being at work means you have a contract/wage/written set of rules.
Being grandparents at home babysitting does not.

Enjoy your wine Smile

abigamarone · 06/08/2014 01:29

start enjoying the company of your gd instead of a penis

That, right there, is comedy gold.

ForTheLoveOfSocks · 06/08/2014 01:47

It's a wonderful thing you do, looking after your DGC. My DParents and DInLaws do the same for DH and I. However.

I don't agree with the chorus on here. If you are only looking after her for a few hours then surely you can wait until after she has been picked up?

The comparison between parents having sex and grandparents is unrealistic. You said yourself you spent years sneaking around being quiet because you didn't have a choice. And that's the difference. As parents we don't have a choice, but as grandparents you do. Your DGC are not with you 24/7. I know I'd rather have sex in an empty house.

On the other side, it's not for them to dictate what you can and can't do in your own home. And I don't think it's because of your age. I think it's more because your actions led you to taking your eye off the ball and someone being able to creep into your house with you unaware.

I hope I'm still having sex in my fifties. Although my DH is ten years older than me, might have something to say about that Grin

BOFster · 06/08/2014 02:44

It sounds like the OP very much had her eye on the ball, tbf...

GrannyOnTheSchoolRun · 06/08/2014 05:16

But they don't just look after the baby for a few hours at a time - it can be for 4 day blocks sometimes.

I think it's perfectly understandable that people can at times be feeling all loved up just because life is good and wow, look at the stage we are at, and for one thing to spontaneously lead to another.

GrannyOnTheSchoolRun · 06/08/2014 05:18

And Mmeh has said it all in a nutshell.

LapsedTwentysomething · 06/08/2014 06:48

ForTheLoveOfSocks and JellyStrawberries, you have both made the very dismissive point that as the OP is just babysitting for a few hours they could have just waited.

Well no actually. The OP is providing long term childcare as I understand it. You are being patronising.

OP, doesn't even matter that a stranger could have walked into the house. You saw your DIL [embarrassed]; you'd have seen an intruder. And they'd have seen it all Grin

OrangeMochaFrappucino · 06/08/2014 07:10

On this occasion they were just looking after the baby for the afternoon. I know they provide childcare whilst the parents study and the OP later pointed out that she sometimes has the baby for the week, nights included. But this time, they were expecting their DIL in two hours time which is why I said I would have expected them to wait - it was a short one-off babysit rather than their usual arrangement of full days with regular overnights.

doziedoozie · 06/08/2014 07:16

Grrrrrrrrr. The ageist comments on here! Are some of you still teenagers?

I hope I'm still having sex in my fifties. Although my DH is ten years older than me, might have something to say about that grin

What planet are you on, of course normal 60 and 70 year olds have sex, I would laugh at the naivety if it wasn't so annoying!

FlossyMoo · 06/08/2014 07:36

OP, doesn't even matter that a stranger could have walked into the house. You saw your DIL [embarrassed]; you'd have seen an intruder.

I wonder if it had of been an intruder would they have posted on MN?

Hi all new here but wanted your pov.

So I was all set to rob the house of a couple of pensioners yesterday. They leave there doors unlocked (everyone does round here) and I thought the coast was clear. I let my self in through the front door and well what I saw can never be erased Shock. They were 'at it'!. Oldies having sex in the lounge!
I of course muttered my disgust, there was a baby in the house too Hmm, and left. AIBU to be disgusted by this couple?

Maybe not a thread we will ever see Grin