Damned if I do.....

[Everybodyleaves]

Ok, lawyer has just advised me to cease STBXH alternate w/end access due to many issues pending resolution (hopefully over next few weeks/couple of months). Last resort I'm afraid.

Knowing it would therefore be a while before DCs overnights resumed, earlier today I asked STBXH for details of the camping trip he had mentioned prior to all this blowing up as none had been forthcoming. He had been aware DCs were unlikely to be going yet had been talking about it with them on phone calls this week. It turned out to be starting tomorrow.

I then offered to let DCs go as a) it is a holiday for them with him b) it might be the last overnights for a long while as he can be VERY stubborn and c) thought it would be a nice gesture as aunts/cousins also going too (just found that out today too).

I asked for one condition to be met: that he agreed to return DCs to me when camping trip ended on Thursday (he was originally due to have then for 11 nights). He refused. He has previously not returned DCs to me when due to, hence my asking.

Many angry texts, calls and two confused and upset children later, he is blaming me for them not going.

Why do I even bother trying???

If that's aimed at me I haven't attacked her parenting, I have been clear about her behaviour Wrt her dcs contact with their father though. What's behind that is thought of two children upset about missing a holiday without good cause (imo).

I don't think the ex is a poor dear, as I said up thread, if he were posting he'd be told the same thing - that power play involving dc is smack out of order. Afaics they're both at it but it's the op posting so I can't direct my comments to the ex. The poor dear in this scenario is the children who appear to be in a very difficult situation caused by the people who claim to be adults and who should have their best interests prioritised above everything else - including their personal feelings for each other.

Flip I would also be extremely intrigued to know what is going on in this thread. Someone is rallying troops somewhere, out of sight...

There's certainly something going on secret.

You've got no idea what is going on in this co-parenting situation today, apart from what OP has said (none of which sounds unreasonsble) and have also made some really unpleasant comments based on nothing but your own interpretation.

Some of what the OP has said does sound unreasonable. She says the DC sleep on the floor, but there is a bed provided (for example). Not agreeing with the OP or certain other posters doesn't make us trolls or the ex's best friends who have signed up to MN just to give OP a kicking.

This isn't just not agreeing. This is something I can't quite put my finger on, but it's definitely not a normal thread.

In that case, feel free to check my posting history or report me. But you sound completely irrational.

Let's hear the other examples of unreasonable behaviour then gobby.

Unless you think the children are unreasonable for not wanting to share a bed - is that it? Because if so that doesn't exactly fit in with the sanctimonious hand winging about the poor kiddies and what they want, does it?

Also, reading back, I see the DD is 11 and quite possibly going through puberty. If that's the case even more reason for them not to share a bed. Not because of anything dodgy but she'll be wanting her privacy.

Lol at rallying the troops, heaven forfend that more than one poster could disagree with more than one other poster

I'm sorry but the dc here have missed out on their holiday because of the actions of the adults in their lives. No sanctimonious hand wringing here just horror that the situation has come to this.

There's never any issue with people disagreeing on here.

I'm still dying to hear why the OP is so unreasonable and has behaved so dreadfully.

Why aren't you laying in to the ex? After all, if he had agreed to bring the DC home earlier then they could have gone. And he doesn't bring his DC home when agreed . Isn't that upsetting for the children and very irresponsible of him? What would a court make of that, I wonder.

I've already answered all of those questions.

What I have seen is something very different secret

OP explains their point of view.

People start hypothesising about what the OP has done to poor ex to make him act in such a way

Others start to put the boot in due to bravado safety in numbers and it starts to become a bit of a bullying session.

People start to stick up for the OP and then the bullies clear off or tone down the superlatives and it eventually gets a little more on an even keel.

Sadly this appears to be quite common on MN and I find it unnecessary and destructive.

DD is indeed 11 and seeking privacy and space as she is beginning to develop, and funnily enough being in such close proximity of DS who is 7 almost 8, squabbles often erupt as they are quite different personalities too. They sometimes protest at sharing a room when they are on holiday with me, but I wouldn't ask them to share a bed at this age. DS wriggles all round his bed when asleep and snores a wee bit too.

DS was allowed to buy and play Assassins Creed - please let me know if any of you think that was remotely appropriate - and Ex compounded this error by telling both DCs to lie to me about that. Ex caved and bought it because DS threw a strop in the shop, I would have left empty handed regardless.

My lawyer confirmed today (in a letter to his lawyer) that it is common courtesy and common practice for the NR parent to share some details if the DCs are not staying at the normal place: location, duration and brief details of accommodation are all I would like. I already provide him with that, even for one night away and I would just like the same consideration paid to me.

I have refrained from retaliating against some of the more extreme comments (and indeed the downright rude and ill informed ones), but I will admit that I shed a tear or two yesterday morning at some particularly vicious remarks.

I am trying my very hardest to "play" (for want of a better word) this right, and yes I have made some mistakes over the last few years but there isn't a manual for this process, and the general consensus (in RL) is that I have done, and am doing a pretty good job.

I am not perfect by any means, but I wouldn't use this forum to scorn or attack anyone's life that I knew so little about.

DCs had a holiday with Ex three weekends ago, and two other weekends away with me since school ended in June. I think they'll live!

I will also say, I use Facebook a lot and post lots of pics about the kids and activities or trips so I have offered Ex a friend request twice and been ignored. I would have thought he would like to see them enjoying themselves, even if it is without him (or me sometimes).

He has made no such offer and I only get a photo if others are present with him and they send pics or tag me. It's nice to see what they are doing.

Everyone I don't think you need to justify yourself to anyone on here and I hope you're OK.

Maleficent agree, I really don't like that aspect of MN. I know however that certain groups have previously run coordinated 'invasions' and maybe that's what secret was getting at. Sounds bizarre doesn't it, but it's not such a far fetched scenario as you might think.

I am fine thanks flippinada they just caught me at a low and tired moment yesterday.

Glad you're OK .

I recognise the situation you're in as my ex is very similar - unfortunately. I sometimes think abusive men all read a script, their behaviour is so similar!

the trouble is that some posters seem to think that OP's ex is a reasonable person, and all this could be sorted out amicably if the OP would just stop trying to control everything

However abusers are not reasonable. And once you are finally free from them you need to set very firm, unwavering, often backed up with legal status, conditions that allow them absolutely no wriggle room, or they will draw you back into their previous treatment of you, and take the children with you. There is nothing an abuser likes more than the feeling of power that they get when crossing any boundary that has been set - and if the ex is worried, frightened or angry as a result, all the better. Collateral damage to the kids is insignificant for his need to be in control and have everyone jumping to his tune.

Proof of the pudding - he has done lots of 'fun dad' stuff with weekends away, and buying unsuitable video games, lots of kiddie brownie points there. But he hasnt addressed the issues that are actually raising concern, with the school as well as the OP. If he cannot see that his 11 year old DD needs privacy, if he doesnt understand how difficult it is to sleep with a wriggle bottom, if his kids have to be disturbed everytime they want a cup of tea, then he is doing it deliberately.

Sleeping on the floor on an odd occasion, such as a camping trip, or a sleepover is one thing, but week in week out, 3 nights at a time is not what I would want for my children. Sleeping bags are generally pretty hot sweaty and uncomfortable. The floor does not give adequate support for a growing child.

NettleTea and ditto!

Yes - very well said Nettle.

Ultimately, you just can't be reasonable with someone who is fundamentally unreasonable. It's very tiring and draining.

Seriously, mine behaves in the same way. As I said, it's like a script. Firm boundaries are the way to go.

It's interesting that I'm being perceived as manipulative/controlling by some posters for wanting him to meet these "requests".

Some of these are just plain common sense IMHO (e.g. Beds and games) and some of these things were agreed at the very first mediation session we ever had two years ago (communicating plans and holidays and what/how we speak to the DCs about each other). Wouldn't have thought the latter were especially out of the ordinary, but maybe I'm wrong???

Are things that different in Scotland, I wonder because we have our own legal system??

To be fair though most people wont 'get it' unless they have been on the receiving end of abuse.

and no, asking them to stick to what was agreed, whatever that might be, is not unreasonable. But as said, reasonable doesnt come into it.

tisraining I don't really "do" self help books, but perhaps I should think about giving one a try.