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Original poster

I have no rights...apparently!

118 replies

ptsdhelp · 03/08/2014 10:52

Could you offer your opinions on this please?

I found out (last minute) that my exh had booked our child (10) into a sporting event, on his contact day. Its something she has done before, and is always supervised by a member of staff.

Firstly, when I asked why he hadn't let me know that he had booked her in, he said its none of my business. "whats your problem, its only a couple of hours and you cant dictate what I do on my contact days".

Secondly, when I asked him what the arrangements were, he had no idea. He intended leaving our child at the venue with no idea who would be responsible for her.

So I called the venue and asked for details only to discover that the event was for around 5-6 hours and that no adult supervision was available that day as it was a special events day. I withdrew her from the event and explained why.

My exh hadnt even checked with them! he was going to leave our child there for 5-6 hours without any adult being responsible for her.... but apparently its nothing to do with me....

OP posts:
Imbroglio · 03/08/2014 10:57

I guess this isn't what you want to hear but I think you do need to let him be the parent and make his own decisions.

It seems odd about the event supervision but I think you should have passed the info to him and left it with him.

Sorry. I know that this is hard.

Pagwatch · 03/08/2014 10:58

Hmm
I think he should have spoken to you but it depends a bit on the event/location. For example DD has done swimming galas where there are club staff on site but no specific supervision. I have happily left DD as she knows the site, the staff, lots of the parents and has her phone.
It's perfectly safe.

comedycentral · 03/08/2014 11:00

I think it's up to him what he does on his contact day. He is her Dad too so he can make decisions about her safety too. What is the sport though?

Original poster
ptsdhelp · 03/08/2014 11:03

Really? its okay for him to make decisions about leaving my child somewhere for the day? and not even check if she has an adult with her?

you do need to let him be the parent and make his own decisions:

I am happy for him to make his own decisions but not if he cant make sound ones! My child was horrified at the thought of being on her own for the day! And so was I!!!

And whatever day it is, I am still responsible for her well being whether he likes it or not!

OP posts:
Frogisatwat · 03/08/2014 11:07

So there are no adults at this event? Or is it one a parent has to stay with the participan

Original poster
ptsdhelp · 03/08/2014 11:07

the event was at a golf club.... there arent staff there as such.... she would have been going round on her own on a course she doesnt know very well.....

He can make decisions about her safety too....... but he didnt! he booked her in, intended to leave her there having made assumptions someone else would be looking after her.... just because its 'his day' I don't get to say i think it isnt safe?

OP posts:
HeySoulSister · 03/08/2014 11:08

His old is she?

lettertoherms · 03/08/2014 11:09

Well, I think you're muddling two issues then.

One: making plans/decisions for his contact days on his own, that's not an issue at all, and I think you're going a little overboard about it.

Two: not checking all the details of things, that's not the greatest, but if he made a plan for the usual way the venue runs I don't see how it's more than an oversight.

Why didn't you tell him the details of the event and let him withdraw her or make other arrangements/go with her? That's where I think you're overstepping a bit, and not letting him make decisions.

dickiedavisthunderthighs · 03/08/2014 11:09

He is her dad and what they do on his contact days are up to him. Unless he's a complete flake I very much doubt he was leaving her somewhere in danger, plus it's obviously something she wanted to do.
I am a stepmother and if my DSS's mum tried micro manage our weekends with the boys I'd be furious.

isthisanacidtest · 03/08/2014 11:10

You need to let him parent how he wants.

If you aren't happy with how he is parenting, you should take it back to court and seek an order for supervised contact.

Otherwise, you need to let him get on with it.

My DD does a sport. When she's with me, I don't tell her dad every time she's off doing it. Not deliberately, but because when she's with him he doesn't tell me either (we do get on, and she does A LOT of sport). But it's up to him when she's with him and it's up to me when she's with me.

Every parent has different views/standards and it is amplified when you parent separately because you don't have to reach a joint compromise - you both get to make your own decisions.

If I was your ex and you'd gone against me like this and withdrawn DD from an event I'd be fuming.

MysteriousCircusZebra · 03/08/2014 11:10

It doesn't sound great op. Particularly as your dd did not seem to be aware that she would be by herself.

Squidstirfry · 03/08/2014 11:12

Where was he planning to b all day? Surely if it's his contact day he wld want to spend it with her, not just leave her on some golf course. Are u sure u have the facts right? He wld b there too, surely?
How old is she?

HowardTJMoon · 03/08/2014 11:13

Do you inform him of every thing you plan for DD when she is with you? Does he have veto power over your decisions in the way that you feel you have veto power over his?

Original poster
ptsdhelp · 03/08/2014 11:14

Ok... some context. I have never tried to macro manage his weekends. not ever. I have in fact had to encourage HIM to make time for the children. Unfortunately there are a string of 'oversights' that have led me to question his ability to make sound decisions about the kids. and actually, it just seems, in this case that he refused to check out the details when I asked him to out of stubbornness...

I have never dictated what he can and cannot do with the kids on his time, it is none of my business. But when I think he has arranged something that is not safe for them, surely I can say so!??

OP posts:
Limer · 03/08/2014 11:16

The DD is 10 it says so in the 1st post.

If it was a golf competition/event, she wouldn't have been on her own, she would have been playing in a pair/four. If the other competitors were her age I see no issue, but if it was mixed ages or adults too then maybe not ideal.

isthisanacidtest · 03/08/2014 11:17

Just because it's a contact day doesn't mean you have to be with the kids all the time. Especially as they get older. They have to do normal stuff and not be stuck with mum and dad all the time.

Asking him to check the details IS micromanaging him I think.

If there's other kids of her age going to be there and it's an organised event, I really don't see a problem.

lunar1 · 03/08/2014 11:17

Do people really think it is ok for a ten year old to be without adult supervision for 6 hours? Or is not interfering with the other parent more important than a child's safety?

HowardTJMoon · 03/08/2014 11:18

But you haven't just "said so", you've overruled him and withdrawn DD from the event.

So I ask again - do you allow him veto power over your decisions in the way that you feel you have veto power over his?

Original poster
ptsdhelp · 03/08/2014 11:19

She is ten. And really did not want to be there alone! She asked me to withdraw her.

It is not about veto powers!! thats a bit extreme.... in my opinion.. we have pretty similar views on whats good for our kids and there is no way he would think this situation was ok if it happened in reverse. He agreed that I had withdrawn her for good reason,,,, eventually.

acid test: ''let him parent how he wants''.... sorry but dont agree when it comes to saftey... these things need to be discussed and agreed... thats all I'm asking for... some communication... that way, we avoid contact centres (which would be totally inappropriate)

OP posts:
isthisanacidtest · 03/08/2014 11:19

My DD at that age could have been at an athletics event all day. Or aged 11 at a hockey event. Or at a tennis club.

Because it was my contact time - was I supposed to not send her? Serious question! I never thought she should be with me all the time - was I wrong?

DS at age 12 would have been away all day with older teens at a sporting event. From early in the morning til late at night. Again, should I not have sent him?

HeySoulSister · 03/08/2014 11:20

He'd have found out he needed to stay when he attempted to drop her off!

isthisanacidtest · 03/08/2014 11:24

Shrug. Up to you. But I wouldn't have a problem leaving one of mine aged 10 at an organised event.

Did she ask to be withdrawn before or after you raised the issue of the safety concerns?

Original poster
ptsdhelp · 03/08/2014 11:24

Howard - there has never been a time where I have put my child in a similiar position - so I cant quantify your question!

I do not feel I have veto power - I know I have parental responsibility for my children tho, and when I feel they are not safe I will say so every time, whether it is my day or his!!

And, I didnt OVER RULE him - my child did not want to do the event on those terms - she asked me to cancel her place!

Lunar1.... thats what I cant understand.....my concern was her safety - not 'veto powers' or whatever..... I dont need veto powers - thats just pointless and small minded

OP posts:
Casmama · 03/08/2014 11:24

I agree with soul sister- he would have found out when he went to drop her off and presumably then would have stayed or withdrawn her. Just because he doesn't do things the same way you do doesn't mean that you need to step in and take over.

BlackDaisies · 03/08/2014 11:24

I think you did the right thing. She's too young to be left unsupervised all day and he was obviously not prepared to listen. Does your dd have a phone? It sounds like she needs a means of contacting you on the days she's with her dad.

If he's not thinking about her safety or her enjoyment then you have no choice but to "interfere". It's not ideal but you can't just let her get on with a day like he'd planned simply because it's not your day with her.

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