Thank you keepcalm - you have put it far better than my many attempts to put it!
I am really not interested in any power struggles/game playing etc - And I agree - if I am getting it wrong I would rather he was able to tell me! and I have said that to him - if he feels something shouldnt happen I have asked hi to say so - they are his kids too and he has every right. it goes both ways . And, actually, even though 'i dont have to'... i do tend to tell him what we are doing on 'my days' because i think its helpful for him to know! and also helps him feel he has knowledge about their lives with me.
Carryon:
What you did that was completely out of order was undermine your DD's father to her.
No. not the case at all. My discussion with him did not and never does happen in front of the kids. I am not an idiot and am well aware of how inappropriate that would be. You have made a lovely set of assumptions about me, my ex, our relationship and what you perceive to have happened.
Forget the ins and outs of the "danger" she might have been in. It wasn't imminent danger so you absolutely did not need to withdraw your DD when you did. That could have been done on the morning of the event-and not by you.
I didnt say there was danger, I had concerns that the arrangements (or lack of) were not appropriate, and as i said HE AGREED. Its irrelevant whether I withdrew her or not, or at what time. He said he was unavailbale to be contacted, therefore there wasnt the opportunity for him to do anything.
Surely the normal response would be to say "xh, I've had an email from the club saying that it's not a normal game day, DD thinks you are just dropping her off so I just wanted to check you've seen the email".
Then he can decide if he wants to stay with DD or withdraw her. Or DD can then request to him to be withdrawn.
Surely the 'normal' response when mum asks dad what the arrangements are for their dd is NOT 'its none of your business'. Surely the normal response would be to explain what the arrangements are so that everyone feels happy. Additionally, seeing as he had no clue what the arrangements were, I have every right to call the club and find out. I am equally responsible for her welfare. There wasnt the option of him staying with her at short notice as we have another child he was looking after that day.
That's the maximum amount of input you needed to have. Instead you displayed to your daughter that you think her father can't be trusted with her welfare and that you have final say over him-you did this through action and by even having a conversation with her about it. In your words she was "horrified" at the idea. You did that-you horrified her and told her that her Dad would put her in that position. All of your conversation should have been in private with her father.
How on earth have you come to the conclusion that I had that type of conversation with her? What actually happened was I called the club (on speakerphone) with my daughter and asked for the details. On hearing what the details were, my dd, said 'theres no way I'm doing that on my own'. So I asked her what she wanted to do, and she said 'I dont want to do it'. So I told the club to withdraw her'. What I actually said to her was, that dad thought the arrangements were something else and obviously didnt realise they were different for that day. I told her I would tell him she wanted to withdraw and he would be fine with that. At no point did i tell my dd that I didnt trust her dad. A huge conclusion to jump to!! I also did not tell her I have the final say - SHE had the final say - SHE decided she did not want to participate. Do you suggest that I force her so as not to piss exh off?? Also, I would have been delighted to have her dad sort this out for himself, as, technically he had responsibility for sorting it. He REFUSED to, and declared himself unavailable. His choice. But it needing sorting so I did it.
Shame on you. Stop using your child to undermine your XH-you are damaging your DD and the relationship with her father. She will resent you when she's older if you continue. This isn't the time to get back at him for things in your relationship.
I have no shame in making sure that when my dd participates at an event that she feels SAFE and SUPPORTED. Under those circumstances SHE did not. I supported her by respecting her decision not to participate and by not forcing her into a situation she didnt want to be in just to avoid a difficult conversation with her dad.... and as I said - he agreed it was not suitable and was happy for me to sort it. I have no need to 'get back' at her dad... I'm afraid I do not fit into the cliched scenario of a woman needing to get back at a man thru her kids. I have far more respect for myself and my kids that you obviously give me credit for.