I have no rights...apparently!

[ptsdhelp]

Could you offer your opinions on this please?

I found out (last minute) that my exh had booked our child (10) into a sporting event, on his contact day. Its something she has done before, and is always supervised by a member of staff.

Firstly, when I asked why he hadn't let me know that he had booked her in, he said its none of my business. "whats your problem, its only a couple of hours and you cant dictate what I do on my contact days".

Secondly, when I asked him what the arrangements were, he had no idea. He intended leaving our child at the venue with no idea who would be responsible for her.

So I called the venue and asked for details only to discover that the event was for around 5-6 hours and that no adult supervision was available that day as it was a special events day. I withdrew her from the event and explained why.

My exh hadnt even checked with them! he was going to leave our child there for 5-6 hours without any adult being responsible for her.... but apparently its nothing to do with me....

Are you saying he booked a 10yo in to play a round of golf on her own, on a course she's not all that familiar with?

That doesn't sound like much fun for her.

acidtest - she asked to be withdrawn after fiding out she would be on her own.

this was not an organised event - thats my point!!!

I am not saying kids shouldnt do these things at this age, or that they have to spend all their time with a parent.
But for my child, who hasnt been left on her own for a day before, this want appropriate!

My question though, was do I have a right to say so?

SoulSister - actually - he wouldnt have found out... as he drops her in the car park...

My misunderstanding then - you said "special events day" and I obviously misunderstood that.

I personally think you overstepped a line - she was going in her dad's time, it's his call, ok she was going on her own but that's not the end of the world. If you hadn't made a fuss she would have gone, he would have had to deal with the fall out if she didn't want to stay/couldn't stay on her own etc. You've stepped in and stopped him having to actually parent - it's good to realise that kids don't always fit in with what we want and what you've done is made yourself the bad guy (in his eyes) instead of allowing him to parent and take the consequences of his actions.

Parents usually have to pay? Sign something? Etc

soul sister - there isnt really a system for the kids.... thats the problem really - and knowing this, (because one of us usually stays with her...).. it rang alarm bells when he said she was going alone.

Now it may be okay for kids to be doing things on their own - but my child hasnt done these things on her own before and doesnt want to yet! she fine if she has an adult she knows, otherwise she would be really worried!!
Just because she was going on her dads day, is it really overstepping the mark to say I have concerns about her well being? really? I dont stop being a parent just because its not my day!!

If I hadnt called the golf club, my daughter and her dad would be none the wiser, he would have dropped her off in the car park - she would have trotted off to find she was going round without an adult and would be there all day -

And I'm the bad guy? for making sure my kids feel safe?

blackdaisies - I think a phone is a good idea, thanks

How is it a "special events day" if she's going round on her own? I'm confused.

Usually you do a golf round with someone?

I really think you overstepped your boundaries. You way of parenting isnt necessarily the right way. It was up to your Ex to cancel his arrangements not you.

I must be missing something here. your Ex has booked the child in for a round of golf, but there is no tournament nor is she going out in a group? Thats just bizarre.

basically it was a huge open day for the club - not a special events day for kids.... bad choice of words on my part - but because it was a big open day, the normal adults who do go around with the kids would be busy elsewhere....

So he was going to drop her in the car park of a golf club on her own for the day (5 plus hours?) it wasn't an organised event so with no registration and no adult supervision and pick her up 5 hours later. She didn't want to do it and I presume he hadn't asked her her view and people are saying you are in the wrong???

Contact is supposed to be in the child's best interests - so can some of those posters saying you were wrong tell me what in that scenario was anything in the child's best interests?

I still think you overstepped the mark. If it's not a golf club you and your DD are familiar with, how do you know there are normal adults that go round with the kids and that they would be busy elsewhere?

She would have had to have registered somewhere to go out on the course - you can't just rock up and wander round a golf club, can you?

I thought you had a card thing you had to get signed when you did your round?

(I am not really familiar with golf clubs so am trying to understand the procedures)

frank - its not about 'my way of parenting' , actually, exh and i agree on most aspects of raising our kids.... my concern was safety. I dont think its possible to overstep boundaries when you have concerns for a child's safety/wellbeing.....

so, even though I am concerned about her safety, I best not say anything because its not my day to have the kids??? Yet if something happened to her and I admit I had concerns but said or did nothing..... whats that look like then...?

Can I just not expect a fair and reasonable discussion with an ex about OUR child's safety, regardless of who's day it is without being told its none of my business? I'm not asking for a breakdown of how he spends his time, I'm asking that we agree on safety and dont tell each other its none of our business... thats just really pointless and not in the interests of the kids

Quote "basically it was a huge open day for the club - not a special events day for kids.... bad choice of words on my part - but because it was a big open day, the normal adults who do go around with the kids would be busy elsewhere...."

That's even worse

You were definately right.

I MIGHT leave my 10yo child there on their own to play a round if they were a (junior) member of the club, played very regularly and knew the pros and other staff very well, and they had a phone or emergency contact details for me in the clubhouse, had weather appropriate clothing AND most importantly if they were very keen to play /practise.

Otherwise no

But you and your ex don't agree on everything. And he made a call that on his time on his watch it was OK.

You could have certainly spoken to him and raised your concerns - where you crossed the line for me was withdrawing your daughter. That wasn't your call to make. It was his.

Having said all that, if you have genuine safety concerns about how he parents then you really should move contact to a contact centre and make sure he is supervised.

acid test - we are very familiar with the club. But she has never played the whole course - hence she is unfamiliar.

Yes she would have had a tee off time, and 'might' have been going around with another child.... But once she has tee'd off.... shes on her own.... who would notice she had gone missing - how long would she be gone before someone noticed? given that its a 5-6 hour course....

I know there are normal adults who go with the kids grouop, because I drop her off for these events and I know the staff! I know these peope weew not available that day, because I picked up the phone and checked before having any concerns about her saftey! Once told that she would be on her own - I was concerned!

The child didn't want to do it surely that trumps what either of the parents wanted ?

If the dad wasn't going to cancel them attending so mum did - what's wrong with that?

I am utterly confused about how the day would work - sorry! Obviously I'm dense!

If she gets a tee off time would she not be teeing off with someone? Wouldn't the others going round with her notice if she goes missing?

How can she be so familiar that you know all the stuff about what goes on and yet she doesn't know the course when her dad drops her off?

You're familiar with the club - she knows the club, ok she hasn't done the whole course but she'll be going round with someone ?

Or am I missing something?

ironng - thank you

acid test: I did try and talk to him! thats when he responded with '' its none of your business, whats the matter with you''. Now given that I have not had concerns in this direction before, why is that a reasonable response? I asked him, what the arrangements were, because I knew they were having an open day and so things would not be operating normally. His response was 'i dont know, i spose she'll be going round with the usual lot and its only for 2 hours''

So how has he made 'his call, on his time'' when he hasnt even got the iinformation on which to make ''a call''?

So if he decides that he wants to go out and see his mates for a few hours and leave the kids home alone... is that okay? because its his call and his day?

Does she like golf?

If he thought it was 'a couple of hours' and wouldn't check, why would he leave her for 5-6 hours?

Was he going to give her money for lunch?

Does she has a phone or money for a pay phone?

Is there any reason why she couldn't say 'Dad, that sounds rubbish, can we do something else?' herself rather than you cancelling it?

Is there anything else do do at the club? Eat chips and read a book perhaps.

Is there any specific dangers? (I don't play golf so I can't think of any)

Personally if i had booked my 10yo in to do something and DP phoned up and cancelled it I would be furious.

I don't see the 'danger' and i think if they are doing something boring then its up to him really. My kids often have to do boring things. It's a bit crap to do boring things at contact but I don't think the other parent has a veto right.

I leave my 10yo at whole day sporting events a fair bit, but there would be adults around. I'm struggling to see how a golf club could have an open day without any adults or structure but like I say, I don't play golf.

acid test -m yes you are missing quite a lot... my dd didnt want to be alone without an adult!! she felt really concerned about that!! she had no idea who she would be going round with... but it would have been another child... ir YOUNG person - not someone to turn to.... it is a massive massive course, she doesnt know her way around - it is surrounded by woodland, is open access with public rights of way - anyone can wander in ..... but the bottom line for me was the my daughter said she did not feel SAFE

At 10 I wouldn't have a problem with a child being left for an hour or two. I used to do it with DD when I went to the supermarket.

He's made a decision. He didn't check it out properly and it might be a disaster, but it might not. In my opinion, you'd have been better off to leave him to it - and leave it between your DD and him - then you wouldn't have been the bad guy and he would have learnt his lesson for the next time.

Honestly, I can't see what harm she would have come to going round a golf course at a club she knows well, as long as she has waterproofs etc with her.

x-post with Thecageisfull

Your DD was obviously able to articulate clearly to you that she didn't feel SAFE and didn't want to be alone without an adult.

Why would she not/could she not have articulated that to her dad?

He is her parent every bit as much as you. I can't see what harm she would have come to at this sporting event. You did over rule him. You cancelled the event. Sorry I think you were in the wrong here.

According to your OP I get the impression that you first challenged him for not telling you that he'd booked this thing, so I imagine you got his back up.

Regardless of the pros and cons of his decision, I think the issue is how you communicate.