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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DP still out, please can someone tell me to stop crying

139 replies

fatedtopretend · 03/08/2014 05:48

DP and I don't live together, when he goes out he tends to stay out a day or 2 usually. He invited DD and I to sleep at his last night, went to meet his friends for a few hours around 6pm and still isn't back.
I had a missed call around 1am from one of his friend's phones (his phone will have died) but nothing else.

I really hope he gets back before DD wakes up, she will be gutted.

OP posts:
Bunbaker · 03/08/2014 10:21

"he has a coke problem."

That would be a deal breaker for me.

What you seem to be lacking is self respect. If you don't have any you can't expect anyone else to show you some respect. Cut him out of your life.

Only1scoop · 03/08/2014 10:21

Even if you do 'miss the sex' Hmm

Pobblewhohasnotoes · 03/08/2014 10:21

The OP on a previous thread has already said her DD has spoilt her relationship with her DP. How sad.

Only1scoop · 03/08/2014 10:22

How old is this dd?

scottishmummy · 03/08/2014 10:23

I get they don't live together,i thought he was dad?
It is a concern. Esp fi it comes to local authority or nursery/school attention

magpiegin · 03/08/2014 10:29

OP, the only reason why people's replies are making you feel worse is because they are putting your daughter first and not you. You need to put her first in your life. You may love your partner but I am hoping you love your daughter more.

Please listen to what people are saying- it may hurt to read but your daughter is clearly at emotional risk.

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 03/08/2014 10:30

It's massively relevant that you used to have drug issues. You have a child, and you are choosing to continue a relationship with a drug addict who encourages you to do drugs and harms your recovery. All this is harming your child.

So if you feel bad, feel bad about that.

Corabell · 03/08/2014 10:33

OP isn't even asking for advice, it reads as a simple statement of fact. Nobody is going to say his behaviour is ok or say he will change or that you should keep trying because it won't make a bit of difference.

I feel sorry for your DD she doesn't have any choice. You do. Why put up with this nonsense?

Nomama · 03/08/2014 10:46

To directly answer your original thread title, OP.

Stop crying and grow up!

I know it all sounds really harsh, so many people having at you, but you knew they would, didn't you? You have posted enough about him and his antics to make sure that every woman who reads your threads is horrified for/at you!

You have some better choices waiting to be made:

  1. LTB (I have never posted that before), or
  2. Stop posting and asking for sympathy, you won't get it, ever.
waitingforgodot · 03/08/2014 10:51

I haven't read any of your previous posts, just this one so I don't know the background. It seems you are upset because you know your DP's behaviour will be upsetting to DD so you know what you have to do. Your DD only has one mum and its up to you to make sure her life is a happy one. You have choices. If this is a regular thing, you need to want to make changes in your life. If you don't feel strong enough to do that then maybe some counselling would help you to make the right decision

hamptoncourt · 03/08/2014 11:03

Why are you taking your DD to his house when you know he is a drug abuser?

Seriously, don't you have any standards at all? I have just read that your DD has "spoilt" your relationship with your DP????

Maybe you should just put her into care and then you can go off and have loads of sex and fun and coke and it will be blardy marvellous?

Your choice.

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 03/08/2014 11:23

OP is genuinely having a crisis I think. I have just flicked through some recent posts and they talk of alcohol problems, self harming, feeling like DD would be better off in care and being too scared to see the GP.
OP, you must seek help. Nobody will punish you for seeking help but right now you are massively failing to protect your daughter and your parenting needs improvement. Please seek help, GP, health visitor, family centre, mental health team. Anything. And cut this fucking loser out of your lives.

HeySoulSister · 03/08/2014 11:27

Oh dear, this is awful

Vivacia · 03/08/2014 11:27

OP, you must seek help. Nobody will punish you for seeking help

I agree.

CherryEarrings · 03/08/2014 11:28

I fear you are right Ehric I am hoping that as the OP lives with her parents, that they are able to keep an eye on her DD.

Only1scoop · 03/08/2014 11:29

Op please get some help. Hope you have some Rl friend or family member you can confide in.

scottishmummy · 03/08/2014 11:30

If there are difficulties,go to GP get help for you and the wee girl
Its not insurmountable but you'll need help

QuintessentiallyQS · 03/08/2014 11:34

You can be a mum.
You can be pursuing sex with random junkies and coke fixes.

You cant do both.

Trying to parent while also indulging in your needs for sex and drugs is neglectful and harming your child. You are failing to protect your child.

I dont understand why you just have not given her up for adoption with your priorities.

Frogisatwat · 03/08/2014 11:43

Nice. Lovely to have a skanky coke head around your daughter. Could someone pass the op some self esteem?

wafflyversatile · 03/08/2014 11:48

I know you are all saying leave him but I do not want to. He is not abusive, he does not hurt me, he likes to enjoy himself when he goes out-that's all. I am just sad that he's stayed out when he invited us here as it seems like he can't have fun with me anymore-it's like the only people who make him happy are his friends. I miss sex, I miss fun with him, it's all a bit shit

Unlike most people I'm not going to have a go at you because your bf has a bit of a bender once a month. but 1. 'he is not abusive' is not a good enough reason to stay with someone! 2. the bolded bit is a very good reason to split up with someone.

Don't stay in a relationship that is not making you happy. 2 years in and these things are already up the spout? How can that be worth holding onto for another 6 months, let alone long term?

wafflyversatile · 03/08/2014 11:48

hmph, bolding fail. this bit:

he can't have fun with me anymore-it's like the only people who make him happy are his friends. I miss sex, I miss fun with him, it's all a bit shit

scottishmummy · 03/08/2014 11:55

Your post isn't helpful waffly,colluding with op telling her you wont have go at her
You being fake matey,platitudes about not having a go.its irresponsible
No one is having go.we are speaking up for the child welfare

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 03/08/2014 12:11

It's a lot more than him just going on benders once a month (as if that's a small thing anyway)

FunkyBoldRibena · 03/08/2014 12:13

Even without a child, crying about a coke head going off on one after inviting you over; rather than ditching the loser and getting yourself a life - would be bad enough. But bringing a kid into this ridiculous scenario?

Even without a child, crying about the end of a two year relationship with someone who would rather be on a bender than be with you both, is bad enough...

Two very good reasons and yet you are crying like a baby when you should be protecting your real baby.

Viviennemary · 03/08/2014 12:18

You absolutely must grow up and take responsibility for building a stable and happy life for yourself and your child. This isn't going to happen in the situation you are in now. You need to rethink this.