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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DP still out, please can someone tell me to stop crying

139 replies

fatedtopretend · 03/08/2014 05:48

DP and I don't live together, when he goes out he tends to stay out a day or 2 usually. He invited DD and I to sleep at his last night, went to meet his friends for a few hours around 6pm and still isn't back.
I had a missed call around 1am from one of his friend's phones (his phone will have died) but nothing else.

I really hope he gets back before DD wakes up, she will be gutted.

OP posts:
FlatCapAndAWhippet · 03/08/2014 08:46

Its a genuine question, not rhetorical, I am genuinely keen to know how you justify this?

Hakluyt · 03/08/2014 08:49

Have you posted about this man before, OP?

DontstepontheMomeRaths · 03/08/2014 08:50

I can't believe your self esteem and self worth are so low you don't believe you deserve better Sad

Please leave him. Read Melodie Beattie's Co dependant no more book. Have some counselling. Work on yourself so you can be a better Mum and choose your next partner more wisely.

scottishmummy · 03/08/2014 08:59

Why are you crying,seeking reassurance from strangers?hes acting like single guy
Hes adult if he wants to socialise and return 7am let him,but be clear you'll not be fretting
Clealy he's no regard for you,and he does own sweet thing.irrespective of whether that hurts you

scottishmummy · 03/08/2014 09:05

Why are you pursuing a relationship when he's clearly not want one.
He loves coke,he loves his single guy buzz.he invited you and dd over,and cant be arsed staying around
Its a shocking relationship to chose for yourself,trying to parent with an erratic drug user

FrankSaysNo · 03/08/2014 09:08

he has a coke problem.

You have this round your daughter? get some self respect and get out of that relationship now.

angelohsodelight · 03/08/2014 09:15

He sounds a real catch, not. Do your daughter a favour at least and get him out of your life.

sleepysleepy · 03/08/2014 09:17

How on earth are you letting your dd be with you in this situation?

You are exposing her to all sorts if shit because of your need to have "sex and fun" with an addict who treats you both like absolute crap.

Well done indeed. You are supposed to be parenting, you know. Her needs first, and all that. Is this what you dreamt of when you held her for the first time?

People are being harsh because you are making CHOICES to be in this situation and letting her witness this. She will think this is normal. She will grow up with equally rubbish self esteem and accept equally rubbish relationships.

I don't know what happened to you to allow you to think this is all you deserve, but for gods sake, do the difficult thing and walk away for HER sake.

scottishmummy · 03/08/2014 09:18

You dont live together,don't have sex,barely socialise,he prioritises coke and mates
Hes not your dp.he's not dear or a partner.he's the baby father,thats it

Thegreatunslept · 03/08/2014 09:30

He invited u and your dd over then got a better offer to go out with his mates and get coked up to the eyeballs. He has chosen drugs over u and your daughter that alone should make you see what type of person he is and how your life with him will always be.

Pobblewhohasnotoes · 03/08/2014 09:32

From doing a quick peek it seems OP is drinking and self harming herself and is struggling with DD. Seems like her DP is just one part of the problem.

PinkSquash · 03/08/2014 09:36

Fuck sake, please keep your daughter away from this drug user. Coke may be seen to the acceptable drug but he is not who you should have around for your daughter.

daisychain01 · 03/08/2014 09:41

This is the last post I will make here, as I don't feel it is worthwhile trying to help someone who has no intention of helping themselves. Your life, your choice, but I really feel sorry you cant see what you are doing and the choices you are making as an adult are impacting a child whose life is influenced by what she sees around her.

Using the Thank you for making me feel worse though line that you made to Ehric above is showing you are deflecting your poor adult decisions onto people who have spent time trying to advise you.

Yes, feel bad, feel very bad, remember that sometimes a friend will tell you the truth not sugar-coated words to make you feel good. Maybe it will help you change your life for the better and your DDs life!

LittlePeaPod · 03/08/2014 09:46

i said he doesn't have a drinking problem-he doesn't, he has a coke problem

I was aiming on giving unbiased advise till I read this.. WTF, you are hanging onto a relationship with a coke head and actively placing your child in this situation? Why would anyone want a drug addict around their child?

Only1scoop · 03/08/2014 09:47

Agree daisy....

And the 'thanks for making me feel worse' just sums it up really.

financialwizard · 03/08/2014 09:55

OP. I appreciate how hard it is to get rid when you are in that situation and clearly have your own issues going on too but all I will say is I got out eventually. It took me a long time but when I finally got free it felt really good.

It has eroded my confidence in other areas and for a long time after I had an over-reliance on other people but there is light. You just have to find the way to it. It starts by kicking him to the curb. For your child's sake.

CleanLinesSharpEdges · 03/08/2014 09:56

You've prioritised your 'relationship' with a coke addict over your daughter.

You've been posting about this arsehole for a year and have ignored every scrap of advice you've been given.

Stop wallowing in self pity and own your choices.

LIZS · 03/08/2014 09:59

I don't think the dd is his child. op has no ties with nor no obligations to this man . He's just someone she's been seeing and has become part of the set up as and when it suits him . op you can easily walk away now, go no contact , make a fresh start for your dd's sake - but it is entirely up to you . However the consequences of settling for this are scary for you both. At some point it will become a safeguarding issue.

Original poster
fatedtopretend · 03/08/2014 10:05

The thanks for making me feel worse was for bringing up my problems with addiction when I am not discussing them

OP posts:
Slh122 · 03/08/2014 10:07

Just read through this thread. Why on earth do you think it's a good idea to bring your child around a drug addict?

Summerbreezer · 03/08/2014 10:15

Is there SS involvement here? OP, they will not look kindly on you keeping your daughter around a drug user.

They will support you if you get yourself away from him and start to deal with your own issues.

It may come down to deciding what is most important to you - sex and fun, or keeping your DD.

scottishmummy · 03/08/2014 10:15

Fated,this isnt about you.it isn't about your wide boy
actually its about the child.who's been overlooked in all the me-me,drugs,chaos
A child shouldn't be raised in coke chaos,erratic and ofter absent dad,or mum freaking out about him

Yes its hard to hear,yes its uncomfortable cause you probably know,this isn't right
But its all about the child prioritise her,before she thinks this is normal

MorrisZapp · 03/08/2014 10:18

Your daughter needs your protection. You have to grow up and be the adult she needs, sorry that sounds harsh but it isn't all about you any more.

This guy is a waster, and yes it is abusive if he makes you cry.

What a shame you won't take on board any of these comments. Perhaps if social services become involved then things will change then. I don't suppose you care what we say.

MorrisZapp · 03/08/2014 10:20

SM he's not the child's father, he's just a random. And they don't live together.

Only1scoop · 03/08/2014 10:20

'Your feeling worse' shouldn't be because of your problems with drugs and a poster bringing it to the thread....

Your feeling worse should be about your dd being around a current user and you actually putting her in that situation. She has no choice....

You do.