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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

DP still out, please can someone tell me to stop crying

139 replies

fatedtopretend · 03/08/2014 05:48

DP and I don't live together, when he goes out he tends to stay out a day or 2 usually. He invited DD and I to sleep at his last night, went to meet his friends for a few hours around 6pm and still isn't back.
I had a missed call around 1am from one of his friend's phones (his phone will have died) but nothing else.

I really hope he gets back before DD wakes up, she will be gutted.

OP posts:

hoboken · 03/08/2014 08:15

FtP, if you tolerate his behaviour he will not stop. You then have the prospect of much more crying and many more nights spent like the last one. Is this a situation where you cannot bear to be without a man? Learn to be independent and see if you can meet someone who respects you and wants to spend time with you and DD.

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 03/08/2014 08:16

Why am I making you feel worse? You say 'no drinking problem, just parties hard' but you mean he has a coke problem instead of a drinking problem. Name it! Don't pussyfoot around. How can I make you feel worse by pointing out how awful your relationship is? You're the one living it. I guess the only way you can cope is by rationalising that it's not that bad, it's just a little flaw etc. well bullshit. He's been doing it for the past year and more according to your mumsnet posts, and last year you said your DD only knew him as your friend. I imagine that's no longer the case?
Wake up lady, you are shackled to a drug addict who is bringing you down and you are exposing your child to his toxic lifestyle. Because he smells good and watched corrie with you.

JohnFarleysRuskin · 03/08/2014 08:16

You've got a great snapshot of your and dds future here.
What will you chose?

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 03/08/2014 08:18

OP knows exactly what their future will be, she walked into this relationship with her eyes well open. Over a year ago she was posting here asking for advice on how to stop caring when he went on 2 day cocaine benders. It's fucked up. And I'm not going to sugarcoat this, involving a child in the toxic life of a drug addict is irresponsible and shit.

Only1scoop · 03/08/2014 08:20

Ah maybe he will throw you a scrap of time soon and you can scurry round for some 'fun'....

Nice for your dd to witness your coked up dp coming back in after a bender....

Uuugghhhhh

eddielizzard · 03/08/2014 08:22

wtf?! i wouldn't let my kids anywhere near a coke addict.

MaryWestmacott · 03/08/2014 08:23

OP - every now and then, they'll be a thread in relationships where someone will say "but it's not easy to LTB when you have DCs together, a home together, no job etc, it's easy to say you'd leave when you've got a man who treats you well." and generally don't seem to get that other woman wouldn't be in that position because they'd have dumped men who were a bit shit at the dating stage, before the woman get in a 'trapped' situation and the men become a lot shit.

If you are certain that he doesn't have a drink problem, then actually that's worse, if he was battling against an addiction, then pehaps you'd understand not being able to come home to you, but if you are certain he doesn't, then this was a concious decision, not just to have a big night out, but to have a big night out with friends when he had already made plans with you, not even caring enough about your feelings to call you and tell you he was standing you up!

Don't just forgive this, he has to earn you back. If you just shrug this off with minimum "sorry" then you have to accept that he'll always be like this because you've shown him you consider this to be an acceptable way for your boyfriend to treat you.

Does he have a foot long tongue or something? Does he stand to inherit Bill Gate's fortune? I'm struggling to see why any woman would put up with being treated this shit...

sooperdooper · 03/08/2014 08:24

How unbelievably rude and disrespectful he is, who on earth invites someone round to their house and then goes out?? Nobody, or someone who doesn't give a shit!!

If he's like this and you don't live together it'll only get worse, you need to realise you deserve better than a loser who thinks 3 day benders are fun/normal because they're not

I'd have gone home the minute he said he was going out, he's treating you like a doormat and you don't have to put up with it, you deserve more and your DD definitely deserves more

You couldn't ever trust him to look after her alone, he'd probably go off drinking/doing coke and 'lose track of time' so what future is there if he could never be a father figure to her?

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 03/08/2014 08:25

Mary the guy has a coke addiction. And she loves him, and doesn't want to give up on him because she battled addiction herself (despite the fact that he's not interested in dealing with his) and he smells nice and watches tv programmes with her. So that's ok then.

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 03/08/2014 08:25

who on earth invites someone round to their house and then goes out?
Addicts do.

LIZS · 03/08/2014 08:27

Going back to your thread title noone has yet told you to stop crying , because your need to cry is telling you deep down that you know this situation isn't right and will never make you or your dd happy. A drug habit , however occasional and fun, is not going to go away by itself and will affect his behaviour - but you know that. If he wants to lead that sort of life let him do so alone.

ThePinkOcelot · 03/08/2014 08:28

Do you lie down and let him wipe his feet on you OP?! "

FFS have a bit of sense. Bringing your child up embroiled with a drug abuser is nothing less than child abuse. Wonder what social services would think!!

You can choose to be a fucking idiot, she can't! Get a grip!!!

Ps. I would rather pleasure myself every night than have sex with that arsehole!

LumpySpacedPrincess · 03/08/2014 08:29

Imagine your daughter in the future having a relationship like this. You're a mother and part if that job is modelling a positive relationship. Her needs are not being met while you are wasting time on this man. Your life will be so much better without him.

ElPolloDiabolo · 03/08/2014 08:33

I've been where you are, OP.

It took a long time for me to realise that "my" selfish coke addict was not the source of all my love, fun and self-worth.

Fuck me, I'm glad I did.

43percentburnt · 03/08/2014 08:35

I have just seen your updates. X posted. It's easy for us to see the wood for the trees lots of us have been there. You are in the midst of the nice then the twatish behaviour, you are kept guessing and are used to a roller coaster of emotions. It's hard, I totally get it.

Have you been in an violent/abusive relationship before?

magpiegin · 03/08/2014 08:36

You have to put your daughter first now. What example do you want to set for her?

It is also really sad that you seem to think that a marker for a good relationship is that he is not abusive and doesn't hurt you, that is not normal. You deserve better.

Blu · 03/08/2014 08:36

OP , people are being outspoken because they are on your side and outraged that someone would invite you to their house, go out without you and then stay input all night leaving you to your own devices the next day.

I had a relationship with someone with a coke problem years ago. Charismatic, intelligent, kind, and a complete time waste of a head fuck. I wish MN. Had been around then , but maybe I was so caught up in the Ye but...'s and the fact that I thought he would chsnge. I could change him, or that it was 'edgy' to be In such a relationship . Things got quite extreme before I walked away, and he continued to behave like a twat.

Take care of yourself, take care of your dd. and ask yourself if this is actually possible in a relationship with this man.

Sassyb0703 · 03/08/2014 08:37

OP I am really sorry but it's time you woke up and realized how awful this relationship is. .Two years together and all you get is an 'invite' to go round to his ...and he cares so little about you that he 'lost track of time' .... When I was dating my DH and he invited me over for the evening he would cook a meal, watch a movie together..go to bed have sex ..THIS IS WHAT NORMAL PEOPLE DO !!! I think you have got so used to accepting the crumbs from this relationship that you genuinely believe this is an ok way to have a. relationship. Its not ! How old is dd ? is she his dd too ? Try and understand what you are teaching her by staying in this situation and get yourself some professional help to rebuild your self-esteem.

ExcuseTypos · 03/08/2014 08:38

You do deserve better than this man.

You say you have no fun or sex with him. Last night he asked you to come over, then went out and left you and spent ALL night out.

You do realise he has zero respect for you or your dd.

You don't even live with him, so don't need to "leave" him. Just go back home now and tell him your relationship is finished.

sooperdooper · 03/08/2014 08:41

Crying is a normal reaction to his behaviour, as is leaving, keep crying, keep remembering how shit he's made you feel and use that emotion to leave him and move on

You won't stop crying until you do

somuchtosortout · 03/08/2014 08:42

Jusylooked at Kamuzu acafdemy home page. Think it is worth a look. Prepares for igces or American sats. I know Malawi is not Kenya, or Uganda, buy I have met many cultured well educated Malawians! Also would there then not be scholarships for promising students from Africa?

I have also met a very bright young girl who got a scholarship to an international school in Europe. She is now there learning the language. She wants to study biology and my biologist friend said the research she is doing for her IB paper is degree level.
So what I am trying to say is don't be blind to all the wonderful opportunities just because you're fixed on Eton and Oxbridge.

International primary curriculum is not up to scratch sometimes, but secondary/IB is very academic imo.

FlatCapAndAWhippet · 03/08/2014 08:43

Why do you have your dd, the most precious thing you could ever possess, any where near someone addicted to cocaine.

I am shocked!

somuchtosortout · 03/08/2014 08:43

Aaargh, wrong thread sorry!

Quitelikely · 03/08/2014 08:44

OP I can't believe you have the cheek to accuse ehric of making you feel worse! Wtf. She is not the one who is treating you like crap, using you as a door mat, disrespecting you.

What you are doing is showing your child that it is ok to be treat like a doormat by a coke loving waster. And how needy are you, staying awake all night because he isn't home. It looks to me like your gonna have a lonely morning too while he sleeps his coke binge off. Then when he wakes in the afternoon he will need you to nurse his hangover.

You know what he is like, he has shown you, you have decided you want to be with him, that is good but your dd can't chose who you expose her to.

You will reap what you sow.

Only1scoop · 03/08/2014 08:45

I would have thought as a recovering addict this is the last place in the world you would ever ever put your dd.

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