Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DP still out, please can someone tell me to stop crying

139 replies

fatedtopretend · 03/08/2014 05:48

DP and I don't live together, when he goes out he tends to stay out a day or 2 usually. He invited DD and I to sleep at his last night, went to meet his friends for a few hours around 6pm and still isn't back.
I had a missed call around 1am from one of his friend's phones (his phone will have died) but nothing else.

I really hope he gets back before DD wakes up, she will be gutted.

OP posts:
ThistleVille · 03/08/2014 07:27

So, what happens when he does eventually turn up? He'll nurse a hangover all day and be fit for nothing. Certainly not up to having a fun day with you and DD. Leave now. Enjoy the sunshine with DD and forget the useless idiot.

Only1scoop · 03/08/2014 07:30

Why are you there with your dd if he isn't in? He invites you around and then goes out....charmingHmm

Vivacia · 03/08/2014 07:34

Absolutely do not be there when he gets back. I know you say you want to be with this man, but please, don't model that this behaviour is acceptable to your daughter, because it shouldn't be.

Only1scoop · 03/08/2014 07:35

I would get you pride together and leave with your dd.
If you 'miss sex' and 'fun' with him that much....wait til he can throw you a scrap of time and trot around another day for that....

Lucked · 03/08/2014 07:35

I would go home, if yo want to dress t up for your daughter go out for breakfast. Yes I too think you should ltb but you don't have to make any decision like that today.

Don't do nothing. You will feel better and stronger when you walk out the door. Also turn off your phone and just concentrate on your dd today - what would she like to do?

LIZS · 03/08/2014 07:45

This isn't the first time is it? How many times are you prepared to be let down or for him to let dd down. It's not just about the odd evening out, alcohol etc or a poor attitude towards you/dd, this is his lifestyle and you are expected to fit in with it without complaint. Please seek other ways to boost your self esteem and see this "relationship" for what it really is .

newnamesamegame · 03/08/2014 07:46

OP he is hurting you and more to the point he is hurting your DD. She is learning that this sort of behaviour is routine from men and that is what she is likely to accept in her own relationships with men when she is old enough to have them.

If you're not ready to LTB you need to force a renegotiation of the relationship. This sort of behaviour is just not acceptable when there is a child involved.

Squeegle · 03/08/2014 07:50

How can you say he is not abusing you when you are sitting there crying and asking for support on the Internet on a Sunday morning?

Would you behave like this to anyone you care about? Going out, being out of reach, and not coming back for an unspecified time are signs of great selfishness. Look after yourself and Dd and please don't cry any more.

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 03/08/2014 07:55

He's obviously got a drink problem if he can't control his drinking hasn't he? He invites you and a child over to spend time with him then accidentally pulls an all nighter? He's got a drink problem. You should want better for you and your child. Go home as soon as DD wakes up and let the dickhead come to you when he's realised what a twat he has been which he won't

Pobblewhohasnotoes · 03/08/2014 07:56

That fact that he's not abusive does not mean you're in some great relationship. It's hardly some standard when the rest is shit. You're worth more than 'but it's alright, he doesn't beat me up'.

When your DD wakes up, leave. He invited you there then went out. What does that say? Why bother? Don't sit there crying and waiting for him, leave. He wasn't arsed about spending time with you. What will happen now? He'll come home and have a hangover and be useless. If he wanted to see you he would, you are not a priority.

You should show him that you aren't prepared to be treated like that and also show your DD that this behaviour is not acceptable in a relationship. Go out, have a nice day with your DD and sod this selfish man. But you won't.

MaryWestmacott · 03/08/2014 07:58

He stood you up?! Doesn't actually matter what else he was doing, he stood you up. Unless he's been in a&e, not turning up for a date (which this was) is never acceptable.

Op, to add to the chorus, get dressed, go home, have a nice day out with your dd, ideally with your phone switched off! He's going to be a hungover mess when he does come home, your dd shouldn't see him like that.

I actually think getting drunk like that when you are not living with anyone and don't have dcs is fine, but once he'd invited you over, then he was being rude, he'd made plans with you, booked up your time, then ignored you, not on!

He needs to make this up to you, getting pissed with mates, not the end of the world, arranging to spend the evening with you then standing you up, never acceptable!

Original poster
fatedtopretend · 03/08/2014 08:00

We've been together 2 years, he is early 30's, no drink problem-just parties hard when he's out and loses track of time. He got in at 7.

Me and DD are going to go have some fun now

OP posts:
EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 03/08/2014 08:04

I remembered your name so searched your old threads. I posted a lot on one of them, after he was out on a cocaine bender. You also said he had admitted to cheating on you. It's really sad that you are still embroiling your daughter in this clusterfuck of a relationship.

MaryWestmacott · 03/08/2014 08:04

Oh and a man can not be abusive while still being a waste of space.

It's not about the drinking. It's not about how well he treats you when he is there.

He arranged a date with you, this involved your dd as well, then he didn't bother turning up. Because you were at his house, he might not think of it in terms of "standing you up for a date", but that's what he did. Spell it out to him.

This isn't acceptable, you don't have to put up with all shitty behaviour short of a black eye, he doesn't have basic manners at the dating stage, he's not a keeper.

MrsWolowitz · 03/08/2014 08:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 03/08/2014 08:04

Do you still do coke with him sometimes despite having addiction in your past and having got clean?

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 03/08/2014 08:05

How can you say he doesn't have a problem? D.e.n.i.a.l.

Only1scoop · 03/08/2014 08:05

Hope you can find the energy after crying half the night over some arse with zero respect.

Enjoy your day

LIZS · 03/08/2014 08:05

Why would he make this up to op ? She has put up with it before, this is an established pattern of behaviour, so why not again . op, his behaviour has conditioned you into believing this is acceptable for you and your dd - it is not. Why are you willingly exposing her to this and setting her up for the disappointment time and again ? You have a choice, can take control on her behalf if not yours, collect up your things and leave. Don't respond to his anger, pleading, hollow promises.

Only1scoop · 03/08/2014 08:07

You accept it all you like that's up to you....

Please don't let your dd think this is the norm....

Awful.

MaryWestmacott · 03/08/2014 08:10

Oh seen your update, op, he treats you with distain. This isn't a man who respects you, who thinks he's lucky to have you.

Maybe I'm high maintenance, but I'd need a lot to forgive being stood up like that, it's not just rude, it's humiliating. Please tell me you are at least going to be grumpy at him until you've had a grovelling apology and some diamonds flowers?

Have some self respect woman, he treats you like shit and you not only take it, you drag your dd into it, teaching her this is what relationships should be like.

Original poster
fatedtopretend · 03/08/2014 08:13

Ehric, I said he doesn't have a drinking problem-he doesn't, he has a coke problem. He goes out around once a month now. But last night was an extra. I aren't making excuses for him, I know what he has done is crap. Thank you for making me feel worse though

OP posts:
tribpot · 03/08/2014 08:13

No drink problem but when he goes out he stays out for one or two days? Per-lease. You think he doesn't have a drink problem because he doesn't drink every day.

Why you think it is acceptable for him to invite you over and then go out is beyond me. It's rude.

43percentburnt · 03/08/2014 08:14

Fated, he doesn't lose track of time. He just feels his time with his friends is priority, and the time you and your dd spend waiting around for the prize to come home doesn't matter.

I too would have suggested that you left. Then remained unavailable all day. Or gone out somewhere fun, answered your phone to him and said 'oh hi x, wait a sec, oh can't really talk now, did you have a good night? Oh great. I am gonna have to go, I'll try and speak to you later' in a very upbeat busy way, preferably whilst chatting/prioritising a friend and laughing.

At the moment you may think you don't want to leave. No doubt he is nice when you are together and you have fun.

Ask yourself what would he do if you had been out til 7. How often do you go out til 7? If he was at your home would you do this? It is disrespectful. At the moment you may excuse him. But being in a relationship with him is stopping you meeting a genuinely good guy who would love to spend Saturday night watching movies with a lovely lady and her dd. (not That you need to be in a relationship single is good too).

SanityClause · 03/08/2014 08:15

He doesn't have to be abusive for you to leave him. It's perfectly fine to break up with him if it's just "all a bit shit".

I hope you and DD enjoy your day.