Secrets we want to tell but can't

[LizzieBelle]

There was a thread on here a few months ago which was full of confessions and secrets that we can't tell in real life...My secret is that I know the neighbour on one side of me is having a naughty affair with the neighbour on the other side of me. As soon and the husband goes to work and the kids go to school she's off with the single dad on the other side of me...

Has anyone else got a secret??

My ex now was really shit in bed. He had a big cock which he thought was brilliant but he didn't know how to use it. I used to think of tom hardy or jason statham to try n get off.

I think the answer is here...

I occasionally lurk here and while away the hours when I should be working...but the double standards on this thread really surprise me. I actually created an account specially for this post.

Considering the amount of 'my bastard of a husband shagged some woman at work' threads on Mumsnet with instant and unequivocal (and rightful) condemnation of the man then I am surprised at the amount of happily married/attached women with kids who have shagged/are shagging random blokes and yet not one word of condemnation that I have seen.

So on Mumsnet if a bloke shags someone behind their wife's back that is detestable but if a woman does it then its ok...?

Just my opinion. Feel free to slag me off now....

Not a judgement or advice thread, Barry. Just a place to unburden. If some of the posters put their admissions in their own thread soliciting advice, I'm sure they'd be taken to task. But that isn't the point of what's going on here.

And as long as I'm here: I am still in love with my XP. Understandable as we were together for years and its only been months. Whenever I feel the pang of missing her and our life, I remind myself of the (perfectly reasonable and valid) reasons I had to end it, for her future happiness as much as mine; but those products of the head do nothing to deter the desires of the heart.

Related: the timing of having children was a big issue for us. (It's what brought me here to begin with, years ago.) At the time, after a long period of serious thought, I realized I needed more time to be ready to be a parent than she was willing to give me. That tension was a major contributing factor to the relationship's end. Now, without that pressure, I find myself thinking more and more of the realities of having a family with her. I don't know if this is born from my continuing feelings for her, a sudden and suspiciously convenient shift in my estimation of my own preparedness, or just the ghost of something no longer available; she has been completely NC since the last day of our relationship (which has been its own struggle).

And that's all: no affairs, no kids. Just a slightly forlorn man who just passed a crossroads and is spending more time looking backwards than looking ahead at the moment.

Barry this wasn't started as a source of advice, had it been then some of the responses would have went a very different way. Have a trawl through the relationship boards, you'll see for yourself.

There are no double standards - cheating is wrong no matter who does it imo but unless someone posts on their own thread asking for advice, opinions or whatever else then people generally don't pass a public judgement.

This thread is somewhere for people to get things off their chest plain and simple.

Marking my place

Barry Thats a very black and white view. Yes i had an affair but my DH hadnt/hasnt touched me for many many years.

There is a link further upthread.

Im not making excuses but there is often a wider picture than can first be seen and i dont just mean in my case.

Sometimes life is black and white. I'm not so anal that I can be bothered to go back and reference posts and usernames but there was someone who referred to herself (I think) as a happily married mum of 4 who shagged some bloke from work in various places round the office after a party...she said something along the lines of that he husband didn't have a clue as I recall. (I'm paraphrasing like mad because I can't recall the actual words used) I bet the poor fucker would be devastated to find out his wife was doing that.

I'm no prude and I make no judgement of the morals of both participants - whatever floats your boat and all that - but I was very surprised that on a site where women routinely recommend other women to dump their cheating husbands when they find out that they have been shagging some woman from work that no one (that I could see) said anything about it.

I'm pretty sure that if a bloke had gleefully posted that he had been knobbing some woman at work while his wife was at home with 4 kids that the comments would have gone fucking ballistic....

Just sayin'

And this is not what the thread is about, but:
men who come here about their wife cheating are also told to dump her
women who come here saying that they cheat on their husbands are told to leave the poor souls or finish the affair

This is not the point of this thread, though. And there are other places to talk about affairs. I suggest you start your own thread about affairs, or double standards or whatever, but leave this thread to the secrets.

Ok, point taken.

Its my ex OMS birthday today. I just needed to say this and acknowledge it somewhere.

Any clues as to the news reader?

Pm'd you Frances.

Name changed because I am so ashamed but having just sat here and read the whole thread feel I want to get this off my chest.

My life is just one total massive farce. Nothing is really what it seems from the outside.

My "lovely" and "doting" husband has been cheating on me since at least 2005, and probably before that.

He fucks random people he meets over the internet. He has a false name and false persona for doing this - so the people he fucks actually have no idea who he really is, where he comes from etc.

I first found out in 2008. I decided to stay with him and try again. The fact is after about a year I lost my self respect because I was so pathetic to stay with him. Over the following few years I realised I lost all respect for him too. I am utterly sad and miserable. We have not had sex in about 15 months and before that it was rare and sporadic as I have no idea who he has been with and am terrified of picking up an STI.

In January this year I found out for sure he was definately still having sex with ... well I dont know who - just holes. He is so clever at keeping his secrets I dont even know if its other women, I have recently wonderd if he is into gay sex purely based on the fact he is so secretive. His Dad was dying at the same time so I didnt kick him into touch and leave - I just stayed. We had a brief discussion where he came up with 3 options to reslove the situation.

1. Stay together as man and wife but shag. (however he refuses to discuss exactly what it is he has been upto/who with etc)

2. carry on as we are and he gets to shag. I get to carry on being a doormat.

3. Split - but he does not want this.

Since January we have not slept in the same bed. He sleeps on the settee downstairs and I in what was our bed. My self esteem is on the floor. I hate myself for not wanting sex. I have no desire. I know this is not normal at 40.

Day to day we rub along as normal although I find it harder and harder to even speak to him. I cannot leave. I have been a housewife for 18 years following him around the world with his RAF career. I have spent my years being a mum and obviously a pretty useless wife.

I am so lonely. Surrounded by friends of a similar age celebrating 20/2 years of marriage or young happy newly weds on our married quarter patch. My family is 250 miles away. I have nowhere to go. We have moved house so many times, nowhere feels like home anymore. I literally have nowhere to go and no way of supporting myself.

I cant tell anyone in RL whats going on. I do everything on my own as he refuses to socialise with anyone - why should he waste time on friends and his wife when he could be arranging his next opportunity to get cock deep inside someone off the internet.

I have just come home after 2 weeks away on holiday just me and my 2 teen DC and feel so sad and trapped.

I cant tell anyone the truth because as much as I am ashamed and embarrassed of what he does, I am disgusted at myself for staying and embarrassed to tell anyone he does this because I failed sexually as his wife.

I adore my kids. They are all I live for. I have often considered just dissapearring (i even planned once a very elaborate plan to run away and start again under a new persona/identity) but couldnt leave my kids. Suicide is something that I consider frequently but dont want my kids to think I left them deliberately.

So this is it. This is my lonely little life. I just stay because I am too much of a spinelss bitch to actually leave. I resent the fact that if I leave him I will have a destitute life on benefits whilst he will carryon with his very successful career earning ££££ and be totally unaffected. I cant get a job. 4 years of trying, 2 years of college course and no one will touch me. I dont know where to go to live. My kids would be devestated. Its just all too much - so I just stay and keep getting humiliated every time he comes home and says "I need to work away again tomorrow".

My life as far as actually living is over.

OMG Truth that sounds so horrendous.
I know you've not asked for anything in posting this but I just have to say something, I can feel your pain and the disdain towards yourself screaming from the page.
IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT, NONE OF IT - I'm sorry for shouting but I want you to see it clearly. It wouldn't make any difference if you done X more and Y less. He hasn't just cheated on you once where you've then forgiven him and moved forward - he's leading a whole other life which is on another level of cheating.
I hope so much that you can find a way out or solution, I really do Xxx

Truth YOU aren't the one who is a failure here.

Please don't waste any more of your life. You sound such a lovely person and if I could I would take you in right now with your children.

Please go and see a solicitor and see where you actually stand. He has to support the children and he has to support you. Don't be thinking you will have nothing. He has to provide for you. Then divorce the pathetic fucker and please don't let him shag you again .

Truth. There will be a way out of this for you. How about starting your own thread and chatting about the situation there. Even if it's just more sharing for now...?

"I will have a destitute life on benefits whilst he will carry on with his very successful career earning and be totally unaffected"

Actually, that's not true at all. If you divorce him you will be entitled to a substantial part of his pension and a claim on his gratuity.

Not telling his friends and family about his doings could give you leverage to negotiate some additional forms of support.

My Mum was a forces wife and divorced our Dad for his infidelity (plus drinking and gambling, the usual bloody misery) after more than 20 years of marriage. When she died quite a few years ago now she'd bought her own flat, ran a car, had a modest foreign holiday each year and had lots of lovely friends. She left her marriage with only the clothes she stood up in, no home, no savings, bugger all and had a 12 year old child to support. She was well rid of him and blossomed. As they say, living well is the best revenge.

Honey, if she could do it, anyone can.

I am so sorry for some of the secrets on here.

More trivially, I have a multi-millionaire (?perhaps billionaire actually) living anonymously in my ex-council rental house so that he can be below the radar. I sooo want to tell people every time I read about him in the papers.

Truth, Please chat to someone on Camp about this, either the Padre or your Families/Welfare Officer. This is not your fault! I would also urge you to speak to a Solicitor that specialises in Service Families and understands the Armed Forces Pension Scheme - particularly so that you can understand your rights. You must protect yourself and your family.

Truth - this is not your fault. Just had to add to the voices telling you this. I hope you can reach out for some help to find a way out. No one deserves what your DH is putting you through xx

PM'd you earlier Truth, and it echoes Manofsteels's comments.

Also, that name calling. Calling yourself names, that has to stop right now x and it's nothing to do with you. His actions bely his heart, not yours. You act out from yours now xxx you can do it, you'll be so much happier and you don't yet know how much xxx

Watching with interest!

When me and DH originally discussed our numbers (people we had slept with) I told him 3.

This isn't exactly true - the 4th person was just before him, he was useless, couldn't keep it up, had a weird small stumpy penis and it barely went in on both occasions so I haven't counted it.

Does that sound fair?

Truth none of it is your fault NONE! So sorry you are going through this Please get yourself advice and help in RL as others have suggested.