Sexual assault-experiencing shock now I have admitted this to counsellor?

[pumpkinpie5]

hi
I've have been reading some threads on sexual assault but really need some support/advice/not sure what?

I have recently been seeing a counsellor due to dealing with my partner of nine years leaving me. We have a daughter together. I've been doing great with the counsellor and felt it was making a difference but last week got into territory I didn't anticipate and whilst talking to her admitted that he had done things to me without my consent. Counsellor asked me in more direct terms whether I had been raped. I had not ever intened to deal with any of this.Counsellor also said that much of relationship sounded like it had elements of sexual and emotional abuse. I came away from meeting, looked at various info online and have been left reeling by seeing my whole relationship in a new light and can't believe I've been in denial so long.

However, this last week since all this I have been sick, shaky, constant nervous feeling in my chest-hard to explain, and just constantly distracted and on edge. I booked another appoint with counsellor in the same week as I just didn't know what to do, I feel awful. Went to the appoint,net today and she has been amazing, suggested it is likely to be shock. Has been supportive, also suggested I ring rape crisis.

I need advice. I feel lonely, confused, don't know what to do, talk about it -which seems impossible at mo, or try forget it and feel normal again? Should say that I still see my ex at handovers etc and on occasion he does still 'try it on' :-( confused. X

Thank you. That's all I've been doing -just getting through. I didn't make into into work today because I just couldn't face it -and that's not me normally.

Thank you for checking in, it's nice to hear from u x

Hi pumpkinpie

Good to hear from you.

I think this is a really great idea.

I am toying with the idea of writing some of the things on here- perhaps getting other people's perspective on the incidents and whether I am over reacting on some

Do not worry about being judged. It will not happen here.
I can pretty much already guarantee you are not overreacting. From what I am learning about abuse that is what they do, string together tiny dots invisible to the outsider.

I found this thread mind-blowing

took me a few days to read, but worth reading every word:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/a1451592-Red-flags-I-should-have-heeded-share-yours-for-womenkind

to you

Thanks dodecathlon

I have started to read the other thread, gosh lots of things I hadn't even realised he was doing but it sounds so similar.

Ok well, I am willing to bite the bullet and post some things if it helps me get some answers/perspective....:-/

A lot of it was being pressured into sex, forced to do things I didn't want etc but I can't write about those just yet...

So....

Him being away for work, me flying out to see him with 4month old dd. Had to get from airport, find hotel then go and meet him at his hotel.we weren't allowed to stay with him because he didn't want distraction. We caught a boat each night back to hotel.I felt very alone.he would wave us off then go and socialise with friends each night. Told him I didn't feel safe where we were,he never came to check where we stayed. Ignored us during the day although paraded dd around a bit etc.. I felt awful that week but just thought I was a nuisance when he needed to work. Maybe I am overreacting tho? And he was just busy. But he always made me feel completely alone.

He watched a lot of porn,told me it was normal, then expected to carry out all he had seen on me.

Comes into the house and grabs me various places, grabs my hand and holds it over his...tells me he misses me (he is with someone else)

He has gone further than this but I don't want to talk about it.
Always made me feel guilty if I was too tired for sex..I worked long hours and had dd.

Has cheated..at least two that I know of but prob more, laughed when telling me he took someone back to his room when away with work, but was too drunk to do anything so they left.

Sometimes I think tho that I have put myself in the wrong situations tho and over time resigned myself to letting him do thinks because he threatened to leave..had high sex drive etc..

Also he took steroids so I blamed these :-( just feel stupid.

You aren't stupid. Many, many women put up with things like this because they don't know that it isn't the same for everyone. MN and such places are a great help in that respect.

He was obviously a very unkind partner, abusive, selfish and harmful to be with.

Steroids do affect people's behaviour, making them more aggressive, but that doesn't mean you can overlook being mistreated. You are not over-reacting at all.

Pumpkinpie

Hopefully someone can come along shortly with more wisdom than me.

What I can say:

I am learning about narcissism and it seems he is a classic narcissist. I don't know if the steroid use is to do with his body image? That would fit perfectly (sorry if I am wrong and it is for illness or suchlike).

His actions are completely abnormal, from top to bottom, side to side.

Every single one of his actions are not the actions of a normal person, especially not of a normal loving person in a relationship.

Can you imagine doing the same to him? No. Why not? Because you respected him and saw his needs as equal to or greater than yours, not way down the scale after 'distraction' and colleagues, discarded onto a boat and dispatched to an unsafe part of town 4 months after giving birth, in a foreign country.

Parading your child when convenient - classic use of you two as accessories to the smooth running of his life and maintenance of his superior image to both himself and others

It is obvious in every single one of his actions that you, to him, are not worth putting himself out in any way whatsoever.

Coercion with no regard for the consequences, as long as his requirements they are not needs are met to hell with everybody else, will weave whatever web to bamboozle you into submission, tactics of a malignantly selfish person, not a partner in a healthy relationship

You were an accessory to him. Probably still are in his head, hence he wears you down when you are in contact, concerned only with getting what he wants

Everything he says is to rationalise his unreasonable - and they are all unreasonable - demands on you and behaviours towards you.

NONE OF IT IS YOU, NONE IF IT IS AND EVER HAS BEEN YOUR FAULT

That is what I found so glorious about that linked thread. Smart, robust, intelligent women led down shockingly similar paths by irredeemably unpleasant people

It was nothing to do with them, it was all this horrifically echoing similarity of over-time attrition and coercion and descendance into more and more unreasonable demands by breaking the woman's self esteem down further and further

Tactics of an abuser, you are not imagining any of it and hopefully seeing the patterns on the other thread you can see you are no more 'responsible' for it and where/how it ends/ended up than if you were a victim of say a burglar, or were mugged, etc

Just to add, you are not stupid and you did not 'put yourself in the wrong situations'.

He has counted on altering your perception of 'normal' bit by bit, little by little, this is what these people do, their modus operandi, such that you uneasily 'take' a little more unreasonable behaviour from them, slowly, day by day. What they want is for you to literally not know which way is up; they casually act like totally abnormal behaviour is normal to get you to go along with it (did any other colleagues dispatch their partners?!!) or to give in (porn), then the threats and emotional blackmail come out - it is almost like a script.

Sorry I have not really addressed things in detail but have been more broad-brushed, as I say hopefully some one will come along with some more wisdom to apply.

Hi

Yes, my counsellor mentioned narcissism, I don't know much about it but maybe should do some reading, not that it would change anything now. Can't say too much much no, the steroids are recreational rather than medical.

It's interesting to get other people's take on the incident overseas, I felt awful at the time but just accepted he was busy. Now, I can see that he really didn't care at all, and no, I would never have treated him in the same way.

Our relationship has always been about him, with me making sacrifices, although he says he always went along with what I wanted :-/ used to make me so confused.

I am going to continue to read through the other thread. Hopefully I will feel better able to understand things. Counselling today was really tough, I just feel so lonely, with all these things running through my head and I don't know how to draw a line under them, forget them, I just don't know whT to do with them and I don't have the energy anymore.

Sick again this morning, and shaky. Thinking too much about things and don't have the energy. Counsellor yesterday wanted me to go see gp, maybe I will. Need to get out of this rut, I feel stuck, - I just want to be positive again and forget all this.

Hi Pumpkinpie

It has only been 5 short weeks since you first posted, a very tiny of time to begin to come to terms with everything that has come up.

You're doing everything right.
I think you are doing amazingly. You have been through so much.

I think we have to feel it in our bodies when we have an emotional shock that we haven't fully processed, in a way there is nowhere else for it to go but our bodies, so our body takes the emotional 'outflow' till the mind is ready to process things fully. You are processing all this information, and there is a lot of it, thinking about past, present and future, and the whole massive range of emotions, and you are doing brilliantly.

I wanted to say you come off as such a lovely person. So insightful, courageous, selfless, intelligent and articulate, and a wonderful mum to boot.

You mentioned upthread about your past affinity with horses, I would echo what mignonette said and if you are feeling up to it maybe going to a stables or yard, maybe with your DD, not necessarily to ride but perhaps the smells and sights will evoke who the person at the centre of you, the real you, the 'old' you, who is still there - you said 'I used to have a great career, lots of hopes and dreams' - and that you is still in there.

I would definitely echo what wildflower said, really go easy on yourself; don't think about anything you're not ready to think about yet, do anything you're not ready to do. Pamper yourself, in as much as you feel you can do so.

When you're feeling a little better:
when you do go to the counsellor, tell her about this rut and perhaps the two of you can try to break it down further, that is only when you feel able.
There must be a cycle of thinking that is sapping your energy. Perhaps a fear of certain thoughts coming up, or perhaps fear about how long those thoughts will last:
Whether there are certain incidents that are re-playing in your mind and you are suffering from PTSD as a result;
Or whether you are trying to think these incidents through and work out his motivations or whatever, or perhaps as per your posts above 'is this normal';

Perhaps there is an underlying belief/thought, perhaps it might be something like anticipating your thoughts - 'I think I will not be able to stop thinking about ex and the situation', or it could be something like 'I should have done things differently' - all these are just thoughts. It sounds trite to say it, 'just' a thought, but it is just a thought, and there are other options than the grooved reaction/thought that we instinctively reach for, just knowing the alternatives can explode the chokehold one particular thought may have on you, as strange as that may seem, but it really is true.
That is where things like CBT can really help, or indeed just sharing those thoughts, whatever they are, with the counsellor when you feel ready.

I have attached a little file I hope isn't too small to read, it has the very basics of CBT on it.

Hope you're feeling better today

dodecathlon

Thank you for taking the time to post. I can't believe it has been only five weeks, it has consumed me and I need to focus on the positive steps I was making before these last few weeks.

I definitely think you are right in terms of our bodies absorbing all the shock, I have always kept everything inside and it has had no where to go. It has just built up and built up but I have learnt that if I try to distance myself from it it goes away eventually, even if it takes months or years. The difference is, I don't think it will this time. I think it has all built up too much. I have never had all these physical symptoms before, it makes it hard to hide things. Sitting at a desk at work whilst shaking and feeling I'm going to be sick isn't very easy.

Thank you for your kind words, especially at a time when I feel so down on myself. I am hard on myself. I am frustrated I am still experiencing all these symptoms but maybe I just need to process them one step at a time?

I think I need to speak to my counsellor, I need to know what we are aiming for. She hasn't mentioned the email I sent her except in passing, does that mean she's not going to ask me to talk about it? Or she thinks I'm not ready? It was such a big thing for me to do that I feel I need to have some recognition of it, otherwise I feel like I still haven't dealt with it, so not sure where I go from here and feel lost.

I don't really know what my thought process is that is bringing all this on, it takes me completely unaware and I can feel or be sick from nothing. Im just generally down now even though I recognise it and am trying to fight my way out. On the positive, I have lost five pounds this week :-/

I want to have a plan, or at least an explanation for how I am feeling. I don't know, lots to sort out I feel.

Thank you for the cbt info- I think I will pursue this, another friend also said it worked well for her (she used to get panic attacks)

Thanks again, sorry to keep posting but I. Trying to make sense of my thoughts and reactions.

Felling stupid again, when I feel down I just can't see a way out. Then I have a good day and regret things I did on a bad day- like emailing my counsellor for an extra appointment, then feeling better and able to wait until the next week.

Really don't recognise the person I have become and really want to be coping better and strong again x

Hi Pumpkinpie have PM'd you. x

I'm so sorry to hear about your horrible experiences! But it's fantastic your taking a step to speak to someone! I wanted to message as I have also been victim ( whilst at Uni) to a stranger " attacking me"! So I understand and feel your pain! But I can almost promise that the more you talk about with anyone you feel safe around the more it becomes easier to digest and all the emotions your feeling now will become easier and eventually the bad ones will go away! If you need to pm to chat feel more than welcome!
Xxxx

Dear Pumpkin , I have been thinking about you and how well you are doing even if it doesn't feel like it. I'm so sorry to hear that the physical symptoms, shaking feeling sick etc are still with you. That must be horrible for you to live with.

When I read your posts I see you reaching, reaching all the time for a peaceful, healthy beautiful life for you and your DD. It is lovely to see your hope and determination, it's inspiring actually, and I am guessing that it is your wish for a good life for you and your daughter which keeps you going through all this.

But you are not there in that golden glimmering future yet. You have made huge strides on the journey towards it though, including the most difficult step which was to get yourself out of that relationship. You rescued yourself from that horrible, abusive relationship and now you are like a shipwrecked sailor who, having struggled to dry land, is lying on the shoreline gasping for breath after the exertion. You are out of the survival mode you needed to be in in order to survive your relationship and now the horror of what you have been through has hit you.

Please, dear Pumpkin accept that you are where you are. There will be no racing ahead up the beach to frolic under the coconut trees, you need to get your breath back first. Don't ask more of yourself. Accept where you are for now.

Your steroid-head ex was an abusive tosspot. You got yourself out of there. Be proud of yourself.

You have already survived what happened. Now your task is to accept that it did happen, to just sit with the truth of it until you have felt everything you need to feel about it. Be patient with yourself while you do this.

You may feel that you are not making progress, but the fact is that you are doing the hard work of preparing the ground for your better future. You will get there for sure. You have made that clear in the way that you have kept on reaching for better times in each and every one of your posts. Be where you are for now and be proud of yourself.

Wildflower, thank you so so much. You are helping me to recognise the progress I have made, although it often doesn't feel like it.

These last few days I have kept very busy, and although shattered, haven't felt physically Ill as much as previously so maybe that is the secret. I am hoping so, rather than it being a good few days following what were some bad ones, but I am trying to stay positive.

I do do exactly what you say, in that I am always looking for the next step, I am so determined to create a better situation and future for myself and dd that I feel I can't lose sight of that for a second or I will lose hold of everything and fall back down.

But I do see what you are saying, and I know I am hard on myself too - so I will try to accept where I am and accept that it is taking more time, and has hit me harder, than I ever expected.

The support on here has kept me going, and helped me see that I have at least moved on from the worse time. My closest friend (only one who knows anything about my situation) said to me yesterday, thank goodness for her (dd) mate, I don't think you'd still be here without her. And she was totally right- I don't feel quite so desperate as I did, and so maybe there is light at the end of the tunnel.

Onwards and upwards hopefully. Going to try to have a Frank and honest conversation at my appointment weds so we are both clear where I go from here and what I need to achieve -even if only coping with the day to day.

Thanks again for all the support-on my lonely nights, it keeps me going. X

I'm really glad that you have had a better few days. That is what progress through tough times is like, in my experience; days when you are on the floor in despair, then eventually maybe some good moments among the rough days, until finally you have enough ok and good times to feel that life is worthwhile again.

You are right to focus on the future you want for yourself and your DD. That dream and the flame of determination to survive which is so obvious in you, will pull you through.

Accepting what happened with your ex is a crucial part of building that future. Once you have faced that truth down then you will be free to live your own beautiful life with DD. So for now you are keeping on with working through what happened and your feelings about it, even though it is hard. I think you know that you have to work through this hard bit in order to get to the life you want.