Sexual assault-experiencing shock now I have admitted this to counsellor?

[pumpkinpie5]

hi
I've have been reading some threads on sexual assault but really need some support/advice/not sure what?

I have recently been seeing a counsellor due to dealing with my partner of nine years leaving me. We have a daughter together. I've been doing great with the counsellor and felt it was making a difference but last week got into territory I didn't anticipate and whilst talking to her admitted that he had done things to me without my consent. Counsellor asked me in more direct terms whether I had been raped. I had not ever intened to deal with any of this.Counsellor also said that much of relationship sounded like it had elements of sexual and emotional abuse. I came away from meeting, looked at various info online and have been left reeling by seeing my whole relationship in a new light and can't believe I've been in denial so long.

However, this last week since all this I have been sick, shaky, constant nervous feeling in my chest-hard to explain, and just constantly distracted and on edge. I booked another appoint with counsellor in the same week as I just didn't know what to do, I feel awful. Went to the appoint,net today and she has been amazing, suggested it is likely to be shock. Has been supportive, also suggested I ring rape crisis.

I need advice. I feel lonely, confused, don't know what to do, talk about it -which seems impossible at mo, or try forget it and feel normal again? Should say that I still see my ex at handovers etc and on occasion he does still 'try it on' :-( confused. X

Oh and about the writing. Take it with you to the counsellor and if you feel like reading some of it out then ask her if she is okay with that. I'm sure she will be fine with it, it's your writing and your session to discuss what you want.

If you change your mind once your in the session then you don't have to bring out what you have written. It might not seem relevant once you are in the session talking to counsellor.

Hope your appointment goes well tomorrow.

Thank you. Me too. As she is still the only one who knows what is going on with me at the moment (apart from my writing on here) it's the only chance I get to sit and talk (or try to!) so I'm always hoping for progress and a bit more of a plan each time I go -although I know that's down to me and it doesn't always work like that.

Have calmed down tonight and hoping tomorrow will set me on the right path again. X

Hi pumpkin, I had a sort of similar realisation - although not by way of a counsellor - that I had been assaulted. It was as though I had a delayed reaction so all the feelings that had been repressed since it happened ended up coming tumbling out of me and I really felt like I was going mad.

Counselling with rape crisis was the best thing for me, however I didn't already have the bond that you already have with your counsellor. For me, it was a safe space to talk it out and try and come to terms with the fact that this had actually happened.

All I can say is that it's a roller coaster. I've recently been diagnosed with PTSD which has been a relief in some ways as I now know why I'm behaving and feeling the way I am.
What you are feeling is completely normal when you've had a trauma.

I hope you manage to feel better soon. Xxx

Thank you. I'm sorry that you have been through similar. It's reassuring in a way though to know that the way I'm feeling is normal- it feels far from that.

I think I'm struggling with realising it was far more complex and regular than I had allowed myself to admit. There were obvious occasions when I knew things were wrong or shouldn't have happened, but having looked up things online I can now see the incidents of emotional abuse, subtle sexual abuse etc as well, and realising I was emotionally blackmailed into do so many things I never wanted to do, feeling I would upset him or he would leave if I didn't. I could be lying there crying and it wouldn't make a difference.
I think once I have got distance it will help, I have to have things in place at handovers - things have happened since we split as he still comes to the house, so I am trying to stop all that so that I feel completely safe, but it is hard. He can be so nice and reasonable sometimes and then I feel like I am overreacting.

I think, like you, it is the realisation of all these things that have been bottled up for so long, and wondering how I will ever deal with them and be 'normal' again. I do feel like I am going mad sometimes and that scares me.

I have an appointment booked with my local rape crisis which my counsellor recommended but am hoping to talk through my fears about this with my counsellor tomorrow and whether it might be easier for me just to continue to talk to her.

Just a quick question, did you feel some of the same things I am feeling right now? The nausea and shaking and weird feeling in my chest? I'm sure it's the shock but would help to know someone else has experienced it x

Good luck with your journey, and thank you for your support xx

It must be so difficult to do the handovers now you've started opening up to what happened. You're very strong to have been able to do them. I think you're right that once you get that distance and start feeling safe that you'll be able to see the wood for the trees as it were.

I can really relate to what you're saying about how nice they can still be. My abuser was an ex boyfriend and close friend and it's from help of a thread I had on here and my counsellor that I've realised how abusive and wrong the whole relationship was. It was really hurtful to be realising this but to have him text "hey, how are you? Not heard from you in a while". It made me feel like I was making it all up and being over dramatic.

I had the shaking and the nausea at the very beginning but that did start to fade. I do still have the tight panicky feeling my chest. It's sort of like a tightness but also like butterflies? It comes and goes. The same with most of the physical symptoms.

I think they recommend that you only have one counsellor at a time? I was seeing one at rape crisis but when I was referred to a psychologist for CBT she advised that it would be best if I just saw her, at least until the course is complete.

I've been so lucky in that I've clicked with both of the professionals I've been with. They are both female, probably about 5-8 years older than me and thoroughly unfazed by anything I've said to them. If you don't feel comfortable with the rape crisis woman but do with your counsellor then stick with her. I think the most important thing is that you at least have somewhere safe you can talk through this and try and make sense of it.

Thanks pumpkin, fingers crossed we'll both get there soon xx

hi salem

thanks for ur message.gosh thats exactly how i feel- with the butterflies feeling etc. im hoping it fades soon.

our situations sound very similar, i will give your thread a read. my abuser was my ex and yes a close friend.i have known him for years.he does the same, pretends all is ok the next minute and asks how i am.

yes my counsellor has been great and im glad ive clicked with heer.dont want to lose her so if i have to choose i will stick with her. she is about ten yrs older than me, v down to earth, and has a sense of humour which sounds strange but needed sometimes.

really hope we both get stronger and stronger. thanks for posting. will check ur thread x

I found propranolol quite helpful for the physical side effects of the anxiety, I just took it when I felt panicky and now tend to carry it around just in case. Even having it on me seems to be enough to allow me relax as I know it's not going to go into a full blown panic. My GP was very helpful and I didn't disclose anything to him apart from the symptoms and he was happy to give me them.

The sense of humour thing was so important for me too. I spent quite a bit of time actually laughing with her, definitely made it much easier to talk about the difficult stuff.

I think their behaviour is designed to make us think that what they're doing is all in our heads or that we're making it up. That it isn't that bad. We just need to remember that that's obviously what they want us to think but we're stronger than that and deserve so much better. That none of it was our fault and that it is a big deal. It does matter. That's became a sort of mantra for me as I don't know about you but I was in complete denial for so long that I had almost convinced myself that I was just being daft!

Hi all

Tough day today. Had another panicky incident this morning. Once I have one it starts to build and build because I feel I'm not in control. Have used some of the deep breathing and mindfulness advice though and it does seem to make a difference.

Had appointment with counsellor today. Made me feel like I can work through this, I'm determined to do it , there's just so much I am questioning right now that it makes me question myself about every decision I make as I can see how much I have changed through being in this relationship and I don't trust my own judgement any more so it's hard to know where to start.

I have been reliving certain 'episodes' too. I think i am getting to the point where I am ready to talk about them, and feel i need to get them out in the open to be able to forgive myself for them and move on. Some things though make me so ashamed, they are really not normal things that he made me do, I know it wasn't my decision but really don't know whether I should ever say them out loud :-(

Anyway, I do feel like I will get through this with the help I have, which isn't how I felt yesterday, but i know on tough days I may not feel like this so I'm trying to write down any positive thoughts so i can come back to them.

Any advice on the above appreciated xx

Hi all

Tough day today. Had another panicky incident this morning. Once I have one it starts to build and build because I feel I'm not in control. Have used some of the deep breathing and mindfulness advice though and it does seem to make a difference.

Had appointment with counsellor today. Made me feel like I can work through this, I'm determined to do it , there's just so much I am questioning right now that it makes me question myself about every decision I make as I can see how much I have changed through being in this relationship and I don't trust my own judgement any more so it's hard to know where to start.

I have been reliving certain 'episodes' too. I think i am getting to the point where I am ready to talk about them, and feel i need to get them out in the open to be able to forgive myself for them and move on. Some things though make me so ashamed, they are really not normal things that he made me do, I know it wasn't my decision but really don't know whether I should ever say them out loud :-(

Anyway, I do feel like I will get through this with the help I have, which isn't how I felt yesterday, but i know on tough days I may not feel like this so I'm trying to write down any positive thoughts so i can come back to them.

Any advice on the above appreciated xx

Sorry, didn't mean to post twice :-/

It's good that you're finding the mindfulness helps with the panic. If it gets too much though then please do consider speaking to your GP about getting something to help control it. I think it would be more unusual if you weren't feeling like this, given what you're starting to allow your mind to comprehend!

I know what you mean about having "episodes" of remembering other things. I felt quite similar in that I was a bit scared to vocalise them. For me the fear was that once I'd said to anyone else, it really would be something that was actually wrong rather than me just thinking it was. I have to say though that by saying it out loud and having someone else validate how awful it was and that I shouldn't be the one who felt ashamed helped a lot.

You could maybe try writing it down and then reading some of it out to your counsellor when you feel able? At least then you're acknowledging it and not trying to ignore it. You won't shock her, and whatever it is will not make her think badly of you or judge you in any way. It's easy for me to say but you have nothing to be ashamed about it, whatever you were forced to do during that period you did in order to survive and to cope.

It's good that you are feeling like you want to beat this though. You're clearly a strong woman and you should be proud that you're seeking help and talking about it as that's such a brave thing to do! And you're definitely right that it helps when you're having a crap day to look back and see how positive you can be.

Thank you.

Yes, I am thinking that if the panicking doesn't get better soon I will go see my doc next week if I can get an appointment. They seem to be getting a bit better though-or I am controlling them a bit better.

my dd is on holiday with her dad for five days next week-the longest I have been without her-so that's going to be a really tough time for me, so I am hoping with lots of time on my hands for the thoughts to kick in, that the panicking doesn't get worse.I am going to try and keep busy, may even do some extra hours at work.

Re talking to the counsellor about things, I've just been talking around my feelings more or less with a few hints here and there but I do think that talking about things that have happened is going to be the only way I start to deal with them so hopefully I will be able to in time. It's good to know it helped you to do that- do you feel better for it? Do the thoughts play less on your mind? How long did it take you you to talk about those things? Im not sure I can yet.

I am hoping that I will get through these next few days staying in control xx

Just popping into to say I think you're doing so well.

Sorry about typos. My phone is challenging!

You will get through this, you know. It's hard but you will!

Hi, sorry to hear you've been going through such a difficult time. Lots of people have already shared advice and support, but I just wanted to add a couple of things:

Firstly, I recommend going to see your GP as soon as possible, don't put it off until next week. It might be difficult to talk to a GP but you don't have to talk about what happened or go into detail as you've done with your counsellor. But if you tell your GP about your symptoms (physical symptoms and also how you've been feeling) they might be able to give you some practical advice and maybe some medication that would help. Please don't feel that taking medication would make you a failure, it is there to help you recover and cope. And it is totally understandable that you need some extra help at the moment.

Secondly, do you have a close friend or relative who might be able to help by looking after your daughter when you need some alone time? You don't have to tell them why, just that you're going through a hard time and need a bit of help. I'm sure you'd help out a close friend or relative if they needed it.

And do you have a close friend or relative that you might be comfortable talking to about how you're feeling? Again you don't have to tell the whole story or go into detail as you're doing with your counsellor. But if there is someone you can talk to, maybe you could tell them you're struggling after the break up? I imagine that if it's someone who would give you a hug and help to cheer you up, that might help you feel better. You might not feel ready yet to talk to anyone other than your counsellor, but when you are ready it's worth being brave!

You will get through this. xxx

Thank you :-)

Today has been a better day. Going to sit and do lots of writing soon, keep the thoughts out on paper instead of in my head. Thank you for all your support xx

anotheremma

thank you for your post. i may and try pluck up the courage to see my doc.shes v good and was supportive when i was going thru the breakup and on ad's. just feel like its a backward step to take anything- i know if i need them its not but trying not to go there.

my family have been supportive re my daughter but they all work and r very busy so i dont like to ask toi much and couldnt alkk to them about anything.

my closest friend is back from hols next week and i cant wait to c her. she knows i see a counsellor and knows about difficult breakup with ex (altho not whole story) so just having someone to chat to amd get a hug will b great. i have other close friends but dont want to share this with anyone.

have just felt overwhelmed and lonely since this has all come out with counsellor but know i am lucky to have found a great counsellor and have friends around me xx

I Haven't cried about this since I first admitted it to counsellor. Is this normal? I feel constantly on the verge of tears but can't. In some ways I wish I could :-( :-(

I haven't been through what you have but I imagine it is quite normal not to cry, especially if you're still processing things.

When I've been through difficult times emotionally (for different reasons), I didn't cry much, either I was trying to be strong or I was feeling kind of numb. The times when I did cry were when I was talking to someone and they said something kind and supportive that showed they just "got" it. Maybe it takes a bit of human sympathy to make us feel safe enough to cry? I don't know.

Try not to worry or be too hard on yourself about what you should be feeling or doing, just take things one step at a time and take care of yourself as much as you can.

Hugs xxx

Glad your counselling session went well this week pumpkin. You have found some support for yourself and that is a great thing.

There is no right or wrong about crying or not crying. Maybe Emma is right and we need to feel a bit of sympathy and safety to let the tears out.

I understand what you are saying about not wanting to take anti-ds again. I felt similarly when I was going through a very tough time, it felt like taking pills again would be a step backwards. It really wouldn't have been a step back and anti-depressants would probably have smoothed some of the sharpest edges. Nevertheless, I'm glad I didn't take them.

There isn't necessarily a right and wrong about the anti-depressant question either. Just keep going with whatever you feel is the right way to get through this.

There honestly is a way through this and you will come out the other side. I hope that very soon you will feel more sure if that.

Wildflower

Thanks for checking back in. It helps to know I have support and also that people have been through the same dilemmas and asked themselves the same questions re: the ad's and whether to go back on them etc. For me, the side effects were too disruptive and I feel it would be a slippery slope.

Still taking each day as it comes-some are better than others but I do have a determination to get there in the end xx

I don't doubt you will get there, pumpkin. Just reading your posts shows you can get there.

thank you.

i wont lie, i didnt feel the same determination at the weekend and it was everyone here who got me through but i want to be happy again ine day and make a good life for myself and my dd xx

Hi Pumpkin*

Have been catching up on your posts- apologies for the radio silence. My goodness you have been busy and doing so well considering how traumatic all this must have been (and sounds).

It is normal for the panic to come and go- think of it as a kind of early warning system- an immediate 'I need to do something' warning to be heeded. We sometimes talk of 'taking somebody out of themselves' in that you need a distraction immediately. So keeping busy doing something you like doing and that keeps you mentally occupied in a productive way helps.

Re counselling it should remind you of when you have a physical pain and your doctor or nurse examines you to see where it is. A good HCP feels their way towards the pain rather then plunging straight in and pressing it so this is what your ocunsellor will likely do and what you can do too. It helps to stop you feeling overwhelmed by it and as time goes by and trust in her builds, you will be able to get closer and closer to it.

Re not trusting your judgement- well you still have good judgement because I can see you have used excellent judgement and insight to know instinctively what you need now BUT these types of abusive relationships are so bloody good at undermining your confidence and self determination. These men want you to depend upon them, to let them make the decisions and to do this they first have to try to destroy all your agency. It will come back. You just have to have faith that it will and to build up a store of good judgement calls that you can look back on and use to challenge those feelings of self doubt.

Huge to you.

Mignonette

It's lovely to hear from you. I have found your advice invaluable and you have given me a lot of strength in some of my lowest points over this last week.

I am aware more of the panic now, and although not in control of it, am regnosing the warning signs as you say and trying to act on it.

Re counselling, thank you for expressing it like that, it makes it much clearer. I am confused right now in so much as. I feel I will need to talk about things and get to the heart of things (in time) in order to truly deal with them as I have kept things buried for so long - the reaction I have had disclosing only a fraction of things shows me that I need to properly deal with them but also scares me as I am not sure how I will react. I am worried about this but on the flip side, am worried if I skate over the issues and never properly get to the crux of them whilst I have the chance to do so, then they will come back to haunt me. I truly want to work as hard as I can whilst I have built this relationship with my counsellor to make big changes for myself and deal with these situations so I can be stronger in future.

Yes, I talked through at my last appointment about my confidence and self esteem issues and how looking back I can see they have been continuously worn away, I used to have a good career (was made redundant at about the same time my ex left) and don't have the confidence to peruse something similar at the moment - I have been offered two interview in the past few weeks and have turned them both down-despite needing to return to a full time good job again to support myself and dd.

In fact, talked about how I try to justify every decision I make, or explain reasoning to friends, family, anyone, I hadn't realised I did this until reading a post from someone on here. Just suddenly made me see how much confidence I had lost. In fact, it was almost funny in the end as I spent time talking to counsellor about it and then when offering me slots for my next appointment I proceeded to explain why one would be better than the other and my reasons for choosing a certain day - she gave me a look and said you really don't have to explain that!

So lots to work on :-/ sorry, wasn't intending to write such a long post, but your replies are always so informative and I have valued your posts. X