Sexual assault-experiencing shock now I have admitted this to counsellor?

[pumpkinpie5]

hi
I've have been reading some threads on sexual assault but really need some support/advice/not sure what?

I have recently been seeing a counsellor due to dealing with my partner of nine years leaving me. We have a daughter together. I've been doing great with the counsellor and felt it was making a difference but last week got into territory I didn't anticipate and whilst talking to her admitted that he had done things to me without my consent. Counsellor asked me in more direct terms whether I had been raped. I had not ever intened to deal with any of this.Counsellor also said that much of relationship sounded like it had elements of sexual and emotional abuse. I came away from meeting, looked at various info online and have been left reeling by seeing my whole relationship in a new light and can't believe I've been in denial so long.

However, this last week since all this I have been sick, shaky, constant nervous feeling in my chest-hard to explain, and just constantly distracted and on edge. I booked another appoint with counsellor in the same week as I just didn't know what to do, I feel awful. Went to the appoint,net today and she has been amazing, suggested it is likely to be shock. Has been supportive, also suggested I ring rape crisis.

I need advice. I feel lonely, confused, don't know what to do, talk about it -which seems impossible at mo, or try forget it and feel normal again? Should say that I still see my ex at handovers etc and on occasion he does still 'try it on' :-( confused. X

Pumpkin

Thank you for saying so and I am so impressed by your strength.

About confiding and disclosing.....It's kind of like an emotional muscle. The more you do it, the less of an extreme reaction you will have and the less hard you will find it to bring them out into the open.

Notice that I don't use the words 'easy' because I imagine there may be times when it gets a bit bumpy again and times when it is less bumpy. It may never get 'easy' but you won't feel quite so raw- like a big protective scab has been ripped off.

You are right in that not tackling them sooner could and is likely to cause bigger issues later. It is also (most importantly) about what you think you deserve, you are worth. I feel that you know that you deserve a happier life where these events become memories with less power to steer you. That is a good healthy sign when a person says 'enough- I shouldn't have to feel this way and I do not want to feel this way'.

The justifying...again I can understand why you and lots of people do this. Somebody took away your intrapersonal validation- they damaged the relationship you have with yourself- the one that says 'Yes I feel secure to feel this way/think this/do this/go here/go there'. They damaged it and replaced it with their critical voice, their needs and their dominance. You now have to remove that from your psyche and replace it back with yours. The explaining well... I imagine you might be giving everybody a chance to interject and say to you 'no do it like this/think this/that is wrong' and you are tentatively feeling your way towards owning your actions/feelings/thoughts/beliefs and not feeling you have to seek external validation or not of them.

I can see you doing this already in that you are able to say 'this is what I need' . The people who damage you wouldn't want you saying that so good on you- you are starting already to drown their voices out.

xx

Ok, don't know why I'm posting tonight, thought I had a good day, but now in tears -complete meltdown. sat in my garden drinking too much wine and listening to the Rose by Better Midler.

Just feel i have wasted so much of my life. Being a mum is everything to me and so sad that I may miss the chance to have another baby. I know I shouldn't be thinking about this right now but so sad. :-(

Pumpkin

It is very common for people to have really good days followed by really bad days, especially after a good counselling session. Expressing grief and anger about things that have not worked out the way you would wish is normal. However alcohol is a depressant (as you know) and will not make you feel better, nor will it make it go away. And although music is good to help release emotions that need to come out, when you find yourself getting mired down, you really need to use music in a different way to try to get yourself back out again.

I suggest you impose a ban on triggering songs- The Rose is very lovely BUT it is not particularly therapeutic at the moment [win] Seriously though, you need to be on guard at the moment for things that can drag you down and things that trigger.

As for not having another baby. None of us know what might happen in the future. Keeping firmly focused on the now is the best way to manage things whilst this period of crisis happens. Don't go pressing that sore spot to see if it still really hurts because it will.

x

Thank you. I know you are right. On days when I'm feeling good I do listen to all the advice, just some days aren't so good.

You are right, I am making myself worse when I get miserable, I am wallowing rather than keeping trying to be positive. Just feeling so down that rather than focus on getting through each day I am looking at all the negatives. Need to give myself a kick.

Being useless rather than pulling myself up x

No, not useless but getting in over your head re feeling miserable and you need to work at adding in some laybys so to speak to offer you the chance to pull out of it before you get so bogged down that you cannot get out of it.

Have a think about the kind of thoughts that come into your head, how they trigger things and when would be the first chance you get to say 'stop' and force yourself to do something distracting (something nice).

Work back to find the place when the thoughts and feelings start and think about how to distract from that moment on.

x

I think its more that thoughts are in the back of my head all day long but I have my dd to occupy or I can make plans to do things so although they are there I don't think about them. When I have put her to bed and it's just me in the house that's when everything starts building up and I reach for the wine and let the thoughts take over.

But because they are there all day anyway - although the panics are getting less- so they are not taking over so much in the day, then I feel like I should be acknowledging them at night and thinking things through because otherwise I'm not working through them, I'm always trying to shut them off?

I am still stuck between when how and if to deal with all this stuff. I feel that since disclosing it I haven't directly addressed it? Will that happen in time? Or how do I do that? I feel like I'm left with all these emotions but don't know what to do with them :-(

I think there is a difference between thinking them through and ruminating. Maybe the latter is what happened last night?

I agree you need to process it all and working with your counsellor to develop ways of doing this productively and in a boundaried manner at home is a good idea.

Addressing it will happen in time and it is time that you need. Take baby steps, don't try to rush it, don't try to pre empt what you think might or should happen and be kind to yourself. Think about what you'd say to you should you be advising you.

The emotions will find their place. They have been locked away for ages so at the moment they are all screaming for air and attention. They need to form a line. An orderly line and you will get to them when it suits you.

x

You can ask to see your counselor twice a week while you feel in crisis, you need that support. The physical symptoms and emotional fragility is normal and might be all the fear and distress you have held inside for so long. I'd be careful about seeing the ex at the moment, can someone help you out with the handover. I'm sorry to be the one asking this but are you 100% sure he is safe with your child? If he has raped you he should not be left alone with a child. I hope in time you can prosecute the bastard. Look after yourself.

I would love to see the counsellor more often and have done this last week as I just wasn't coping- especially with the physical symptoms. But financially it would be a struggle. I count down the days still as I have told no one else so this is the only other outlet for my feelings.

I am making sure handovers are structured or we handover at a family members house but he wouldn't do anything with our dd there so I feel relatively safe. It's very hard because at times he can be lovely and then I feel like it's me over reacting. I know he has issues and struggles. It is partly due to steroids he takes and so I've always blamed incidents on that and thought it's not really him- he can't control it. Have realised this was wrong but hence why it has taken so long for me to admit all this and come to realise how wrong things were.

I am 100% sure he is ok with dd, I would never ever let her be with him otherwise. He is a good dad- and yes, I know he isn't in terms of the affairs and everything he has done to him. His issues though are sexual, and the emotional abuse and the physical side of things all directly linked to this - and him wanting/ needing sex. I am going to have lots of people tell me I am wrong now and maybe I am, but I still trying to see the wood for the trees.

He adores dd so I honestly have no issues here and it is something my counsellor has asked too.

I won't prosecute, too many implications for dd, family etc. I just want to get strong and deal with all this, build my self esteem and learn to trust myself again and then be happy again one day. Very down at the moment but trying not to let it take hold. Xx

Maybe you could ask your counsellor if they offer discounted rates for people who are unemployed or on a low income, or if they also provide counselling through the NHS or a charity?

If not, maybe you could consider getting some extra support. The NHS and charities like Rape Crisis and Mind offer free or low cost counselling. If you're having a bad day maybe you could phone a helpline, talking to someone over the phone might be better than nothing?

Is your close friend back from holiday yet and if so have you seen her?

Hope you can get the support you need. Good luck xx

Thank you. I do work part time so wouldn't qualify on that score , don't think my income would be low enough. I've been left with the mortgage on our house plus bills, dd etc so it's a struggle but once I have sorted myself out I will go back to work full time and so pressure will be off, it's just hard trying to do it at moment with young dd plus all that's going on in my head, plus as family work too and childcare would be cost prohibitive -as it is for lots of people.

My friend is back Wednesday so I'm hoping I can pluck up courage to talk to her. Am meeting a different friend next week too so who knows, maybe I will be brave.

Thank you for your post, I will get there, just need more of the better days xx

Should also say that dd is off on holiday with her dad and ow for five days tomorrow which is the longest I have been without her. So I am down about t hat although I know I need the break. she has been worried about being away all week too so I am reassuring her and telling her what a great time she will have which is hard too :-(

Went back for counselling today. Panic attacks have been less so thought I was doing better. Managed to tal to a friend about all this today-al
Though couldn't bring myself to talk about things in detail, but she knew what I was trying to say. I feel better for telling someone -it helps that someone else knows outside of here and counselling. But having told her all the feelings came back again and I was sick as soon as I got home, shaky, jelly legs etc so ha e realised that whenever I confront this I feel so I'll.

Spoke to my counsellor about this, I really feel that I need to talk about the incidents that are going around in my head -and I trust her, but I couldn't being myself to do it. I have told her that I want to talk about it, and so she has suggested I write things down and bring it with me next week so I have a back up if I can't talk about it. Next week this is what we are focusing on?I am really hoping I can confront this but am scared of my reaction. If I feel this bad talking around it and just thinking it in my head am I going to feel worse if I say it out loud? I'm scared of how I am going to feel. At the same time, if I could just confront it and cry about it I feel I wpuld feel a lot better :-(

So glad that you have been able to talk to a friend in RL. That is a brilliant thing to have done, you've been very brave and you have taken a huge step forward. You know you have, even if the shaking and sickness make it feel as if you are losing control. You are gaining control by taking one step at a time as and when it feels right to you.

I don't know anything at all about sharing traumatic experiences like yours and what the likely effects are on individuals, so I don't have any advice and I can only tell you what I think. What I think is that you are determined to face this and you are feeling your way through and testing the boundaries if what you can cope with revealing as you go.

You are the only person who can judge what is too much for you when it comes to talking about what happened. With your counsellor you have found a safe place to talk and to explore how much you can handle at any given time. You know where the edge of your 'safe' zone is and by talking about what happened you are pushing at the boundary so that you have more safe space for yourself.

Your judgement of what you can handle is good. Trust yourself. You told your friend today and you coped with doing that, even though you ended up shaking and feeling sick you survived and are still here this evening. And now you have some more support because you told someone else. You called that right.

If you are worried about how you will cope as you start to talk in more detail to your counsellor, then think about what support you can put in place ready for times when you might feel overwhelmed. If you know you have options then you might feel more confident that you and DD will survive any wobbly moments.

I don't know exactly what you might need, but here are some possibilities; a friend to look after your DD if you suddenly feel overwhelmed by your reactions, a support line you can call, exercise/ meditation CDs/ bath oils or whatever would distract and make you feel safe, a freezer full of healthy food, a holiday booked when you know you will get away or have time to process. You will have much better ideas!

Thank you wildflower. I appreciate your support. I do feel better for having told someone. I think you are right about the boundaries, I think once I can talk about what happened- and I feel I need to do that- then it is 'out there' and whatever my reaction, it can only get better.

My friend was great, was very angry with my ex which I knew she would be, but she's also very practical and is good at kicking my ass when I need it so she will be on my case and make sure that I put the boundaries in place that I need to. Don't like to bother her too much but I am glad I managed to talk to her.

Someone said that each time I talk bout it it will get a little easier so that is what I hope to do.

My counsellor has said to make sure I have some time to myself after the session next week so that whatever I feel, I have time to process and get on top of it before i have to get back to jobs, dd etc.. My dd I'd with her dad for a little while that day so I will have a few hours to myself to calm down rather than rushing back to her.

I still don't know how or if I will be able to say things but I am going to write them down so if it comes to it I can always hand her the paper and hopefully she can lead it a bit. I tried to say things this week but failed :-/

I will take your advice re nice things. I am taking my dd away for the weekend next week so getting away and packing in lots of activities will be good for us both.

I feel weak at the moment for not being able to talk about things but pleased that I told the counsellor that I want to talk about these things so that I can deal with them.now that she knows this I know I can't avoid it and that she will work with me to achieve it so that is progress.

Feeling apprehensive today and had a panic moment at work which I managed to control but know that I will be so much stronger and hopefully a different person once I come out the other end.

Sorry, wasn't intending such a long post x

Hi Pumpkin

You are doing so well. Remember that courage is not an absence of fear. You have courage in spades.

The physical reaction WILL lessen. The challenge is to face it head on and allow the sensations to come. Using a brown paper bag to breathe into when you panic and hyperventilate will help reverse the sickness and shaking and light headedness which is caused by over breathing. Rebreathing the air inside that paper bag will correct it. I know it sounds daft but it can work miraculously and the psychological boost you get from realising you are starting to regain control over your panic is immense. The extreme sensations you have now will lessen and lessen as you confide more often and become more at ease with initiating these discussions.

Remember also that plans can be changed and that you don't have to discuss it with the counsellor even if you planned to. She will help support you in feeling your way towards the pain. Remember that and focus again on NOW. Try not to predict what you think you will feel like next session or you will risk a self fulfilling prophecy- you will feel bad because you expect to.

As Wildflower says so wisely, you are already doing it. You are starting to confide in people and although it had a strong physical effect upon you (which was probably cathartic in the medium term) you are still here, still making plans for the next step and I can see you have hope that this will get better.

It WILL get easier and better for you. This is kind of like the eye of the storm. You are right in there. It will pass.

Thank you mignonette. You have helped more more than you know with your posts.

Re:courage - I always remember someone saying to me, it's only brave if you are scared. Well, I am hugely scared of all this and the way I have been feeling but I am proud of myself for sticking with it and feel like I got through a really tough week last week.

I have tomorrow to myself before dd is back so am going to do my writing down then put it away and not come back to it until next week, and yes, will see how I feel on the day.

I will use your suggested technique for the panic attacks too. I have also been using an elastic band on my wrist and pinging it whenever I feel myself getting stressed and panic building up -something my counsellor suggested. I am controlling these episodes more and they are less frequent.

Determined to get my strength and confidence back and go out there and be me again, feeling weak and/or vulnerable is not where I want to be at all.

I would even welcome tears at this point. I seem to be numb and detached and my emotions frozen. I lost my grandmother suddenly two months ago and was in floods of tears at the funeral (this was before disclosing all these things with counsellor, when I was down and emotional and would cry for the smallest of things) but since disclosing all that I've talked about on here my emotions seem to be frozen. Her ashes were interred today and everyone was in tears bar me. It felt very stranger but I just feel detached from things at the moment. It sounds awful but I was hoping today may have been the trigger to cry and just let all my emotions out but it didn't happen.

Anyway, am staying positive and taking strength from the posts I have had on here and the small steps I have been trying to take xx

Thank you Pumpkin- you telling me that has helped me more then you could ever realise too .

My deepest condolences about your Grandmother. Your frozen reaction is well and truly on the scale of 'normal'- sometimes the psyche has really clever ways of protecting itself from more than it can handle at any given moment. The tears will come in time.

Remember to keep focusing on the now.

You are one very strong woman and I take my hat off to you. :)

:-( sorry to hear you have been having a tough time of it mignonette. You seem so strong and together on here and your advice always goes hand in hand with what I hear from my counsellor and has really made a difference.

Glad to hear my reactions are somewhat normal, makes me worry less.

I am focusing on one day at a time.

I hope your days get better too, it is obvious from the way you advise others that you have the skills and mindset to always come out on top.

I will continue to update when I can as it helps to get things down, hope to hear from you again soon mignotte. Sending and xx

Yes, I will keep an eye out for your posts and would really like to hear of your progress and how it all goes for you.

Thank you for the lovely words. I do appreciate them. I am having investigations for what I hope is not something nasty and part of yesterday having tests that were not very pleasant. Keep things crossed for me. and I'll definitely be needing that :)

Thanks mignonette.

Sorry to hear about what is going on for you. I will keep everything crossed for you and hope that all is ok.

Stay strong x x x

Thank you

Just a small update. Lots of ups and downs this last week but proud of myself tonight. Went to counselling and really do feel like I'm getting stronger, couldn't talk about the specifics I wanted to-- the things constantly going around in my head but when I got home I was feeling determined so wrote it all down and after much deliberation, emailed it to her. Had already discussed sending notes previously so knew it would be ok to do it. Massive massive relief, I feel like I don't have secrets any more, that someone else knows what happens. Whether I can talk about this in person or not, I am pleased I have done this. A big step for me.

Oh pumpkin I am so, so sad for you reading your posts. I totally understand how you are feeling so am here to offer you a hand to hold.

I don't have any advice to offer you but mig has done a fabulous job and her posts have also helped me with a very similar conflict, so thank you mig

It sounds like you have a supportive therapist which is so important, with time I'm sure you will be able to come to terms with what has happened. It will always be a terrible source of pain, but you will move forward away from this terrible shock

Sorry, just read your update. A massive well done to you and I'm glad you are able to lean on your counsellor for support.