Sexual assault-experiencing shock now I have admitted this to counsellor?

[pumpkinpie5]

hi
I've have been reading some threads on sexual assault but really need some support/advice/not sure what?

I have recently been seeing a counsellor due to dealing with my partner of nine years leaving me. We have a daughter together. I've been doing great with the counsellor and felt it was making a difference but last week got into territory I didn't anticipate and whilst talking to her admitted that he had done things to me without my consent. Counsellor asked me in more direct terms whether I had been raped. I had not ever intened to deal with any of this.Counsellor also said that much of relationship sounded like it had elements of sexual and emotional abuse. I came away from meeting, looked at various info online and have been left reeling by seeing my whole relationship in a new light and can't believe I've been in denial so long.

However, this last week since all this I have been sick, shaky, constant nervous feeling in my chest-hard to explain, and just constantly distracted and on edge. I booked another appoint with counsellor in the same week as I just didn't know what to do, I feel awful. Went to the appoint,net today and she has been amazing, suggested it is likely to be shock. Has been supportive, also suggested I ring rape crisis.

I need advice. I feel lonely, confused, don't know what to do, talk about it -which seems impossible at mo, or try forget it and feel normal again? Should say that I still see my ex at handovers etc and on occasion he does still 'try it on' :-( confused. X

:-( :-( thank Khoi again for your reply. I hope you are right. The sad faces are because I'm feeling very low and tearful this evening. Maybe that is progress in itself? I don't know? I have felt so numb this week and on the edge of tears but haven't been able to let go. I feel that when I do I won't be able to stop, I'm so scared about this.

I'm feeling such a rubbish mother tonight. I feel that I haven't been focused on my daughter and just playing and being involved with the games she wanted me to play.it sounds so silly but she is everything to me and I feel at the moment she would be better off with her daddy - he just can devote his weekends to her and does lots with her because he doesn't have all the other things to worry about.

That makes me so angry, I am angry fir everything he has done to me, I wish I hadn't had a child with him, I wish I had seen sooner that I should have left. I feel guilty because all I ever wanted for my girl was her to have a secure family. I put up
With lots because I couldn't deal with her not having that. We were together six yes when we planned to have a child, I thought the future was sorted. There's so much that has happened and I'm very down right now. Especially since I feel that she must find it so horrible being with me when I feel like this. These are all the things I went to my counsellor about before I even mentioned the sexual abuse. Proud I have said it, not easy to say it on paper.

My daughter mentioned tonight that she wants to be a bridesmaid when I get married. Don't know where it came from. Told her that mummy probably would never get married. She said daddy has told her that she can be a bridesmaid at his wedding (he is engaged to the latest woman he had an affair with) I felt so sad, how can I ever deal with these things? I don't know what to do anymore.

Oh I don't know, feeling so rubbish and awful about myself tonight. Really hope I can find strength. If I didn't have her I would just give up.
Thank you for replying. I have needed this support, tomorrow on My own will be a challenge but I need to sleep and I don't know, will see what tomorrow brings.

Cry if you need to. You're safe at home. Let it out - it really is progress.

You are not alone.

You could tell your daughter that you're sorry if you seem a bit sad or grumpy but it's to do with grown up problems and nothing to do with her, and that you love her dearly.

You're human and going through a hard process. Go easy on yourself.

Yes, as London says, cry because it will get it out. That you can feel is good. Numbness suggest acute trauma whereas crying is the start of repairing and rebuilding.

I am not surprised you are angry at what this has taken from your family life, that you are suffering and finding it hard to be the mother you want to be. Actually, as hard as it is on you, knowing when a child needs to be with another family member so you can right yourself is good parenting. It is not negelectful, not selfish and it will role model boundaries and good adulthood behaviour to your daughter. Showing our daughters that it is important to look after our MH needs, that it is important to recognise when we are at a point where we need help- that is healthy.

Good for you for being able to speak about this on here but try to hold onto this-

That just because you feel like you aren't doing the best thing for her, doesn't mean that you aren't doing the best by her. Motherhood by definition always involves guilt. Well fuck guilt. You are doing your best and your daughter just wants to be with you. She doesn't need bells and whistles. Just sitting next to you with a book, in front of a DVD or cuddling. That is all. And saying 'Mummy feels a little bit tired today but we can still read/watch TV' etc. That isn't going to harm her. Please cut yourself some slack.

As for the bridesmaid thing- let that go for now. You have kind of indicated where your priorities lie and what an ex does with his relationships is something you don't have the energy for. I understand that it makes you feel sad - let yourself feel that sadness and over time it will become more manageable.

I hope you manage to get some rest tonight. Try to notice when those circular ruminating thoughts intrude and tell yourself "Stop!". It will take time to train yourself but starting to learn when is an appropriate time to mull things over and when is not is something you can do now. Be really strict with what thoughts you allow into your bed with you.

Sleep well

Thank you both. I've held the tears back, not sure why but hoping when I get there it will be at an appropriate time, and like you said, a safe place.

I am very close to my daughter (she's five) I've told her I've not felt well, she had the option to be with her dad or my (ex) mother in law this pm but wanted to stay with me so I suppose you are right. I tell her I love her all the time, I just worry because she is very sensitive (like me) and I'm conscious she thinks and worries too much for someone her age, or maybe I read too much into things and she's completely fine.

Can't switch off at the moment but am trying to take on board what you have said and turn thoughts off in my head for tonight. Can't sleep so am going to potter around the house for a bit and try again later.

Thank you both xx

Yes it is almost impossible to separate out our own spin on what we think our kids are feeling sometimes isn't it? especially when things are tough and we look for the littlest sign that we are either (1) doing a good job or (2) doing a bad job. Telling her you love her? Well that would have done me just fine as a little kid. And I can see that you show her you love her too.

Goodnight Pumpkin and I'll hopefully get to talk with you tomorrow. Sleep well. x

As Mignonette says, "fuck guilt"!

Be gentle with yourself. Your lovely DD just wants to be with you. A good film, books or baking, or easy gardening might be nice, so you can be together without it being too strenuous.

You're going to be alright you are.

Sleep well, Pumpkin

Thank u.

I managed a few hours last night, an improvement on the last few days so thank you.

I got through handover this morning too (had her ready and waiting outside). Had another episode of feeling strange, very shaky and nauseous as soon as she had gone and so sat outside and tried to distract myself with some music which seemed to help. Feeling a bit better now just very tired. I'm glad this feeling isn't continuous anymore and I'm trying not to stress when it happens which was making it feel worse.

Going to paint my garden fence and keep the music on to keep my mind off things. Both my close friends are on holiday this week so I'm conscious of being very along and trying to avoid these panicky feelings. Halfway through the day tho so doing ok. Don't know what I would have done yesterday without the support on here.

Listening to free by the lighthouse family, very relevant to how I feel right now. Xx

Just had a call from dd's dad to sy she's not well and wants to come home :-( she had a bad head last night and I gave her mess but she seemed ok this morning but now is asleep but has been asking for mummy. I've told him to bring her home, she's not eaten and never falls asleep in the day.

I know it's probably just a bug and she will be fine but on top of everything else it's another worry. I have a conference at work tomorrow which I've been dreading getting through, but now may have to call to say can't attend that as I have no childcare tomorrow if her dad brings her back, which won't go down well.

It's just adding to the pressure and I'm so tired. Of course she comes first and we can snuggle tonight but it's one thing after another at the mo and I'm feeling so down :-(

Sorry you're feeling down, but be assured it's a normal reaction. Cancel work tomorrow - they'll have to swallow it.

Have a day of snuggles for you and your DD.

Try to eat a bit and get some rest. Deep breaths help: slowly in for a count of seven then out for a count of 11.

Hope your DD feels better soon.

Just dropping in to say hello and that I have been thinking of you today pumpkin.

Keep looking after you and your daughter.

I'll check back another time. Bit rushed now, but wanted to say hi and hang on in there. You're doing brilliantly.

Thank you wildflower-it makes such a difference not feeling so alone. A day at a time is helping, daughter has been sick so she is tucked up next to me in bed, a long night ahead I think xx

How do I stop all these thoughts in my head? A week ago I thought I was doing great, now I don't know what to do or think from one day to the next:-(

Write them down.

Or tell yourself you'll write down all your worries at say 8pm every night and try not to dwell.

Try distraction techniques. Google CBT distraction for intrusive thoughts (sorry can't do links on phone).

It's bloody hard. I sympathise...

I write them down.

It will get better, but it won't happen overnight, and there will be times when you feel you're going backwards. As long as you're doing more forward steps than backward steps, your overall progress is still forward, and that's what counts.

I hope your daughter feels better in the morning, and I hope you get some sleep too.

How are things pumpkin? How is your DD doing?

shes not too bad thx,a little quiet but we r taking it easy. im feeling very tired but am recognising signs of getting down as i used to do and am trying to pull myself (slowly!) back up again.

i have appointment again tomorrow and lots i feel i need to talk about so am just getting thru today for now and listening to advice on here :-) x

Glad to hear your DD is doing ok. Hope you are both having a nice snuggly time. Sometimes pulling yourself back up means resting and not asking anything much of yourself.

Hi Pumpkin

I hope your daughter is feeling a little better today and that you have a good and productive day. I will check in later and hopefully get to chat to you again.

Yes, just focus on the now, on things you can do to keep occupied and don't forget to give yourself some treats- little things that are good in themselves- the music, chocolate, a nice film, some lovely body lotion, making plans to start riding again or taking your daughter to learn. Anything that shows appreciation of life and of you and your body. Because one day, you will come back to you and whilst some things will never go away completely, they can be found a place where they don't cause further damage.

thk u mignonette.

it would be great to chat later as i have found your advice so helpful. ventured out to supermarket with dd and just had another shaky nauseous episode. sitting down with some water now waiting for it to pass.

feel like a different person since ive started dealing with this.not sure who i am anymore so i value that u say i will get back to being me one day- just got to figure out who that is :-(

Dd is in bed and I'm sitting in the garden trying to relax. Gosh I wish this feeling would go away, I feel sick, I'm so shaky, I can't get rid of it. I'm panicking now, I feel so much pressure. Being a mum is what I do best and I just feel I'm not doing the best I can right now. I'm worried I can't cope with all this. Just want to feel normal again. Worried abutting sinking. I need to keep it together, be there for dd, pay the bills, keep the house going, I feel so lonely, my two closest friends are on Holstein right now and I haven't told them what's been going on anyway, don't know if I can. Counsellor tomorrow and I feel I've made no progress from last time. I feel worse, really don't know what to do.

How can I be strong? How can I get past this? I know I'm repeating myself but got all this week with dd (I'm on leave the rest of this week) and want it to be a nice week for her but I feel so I'll.

Write it down.

Did you try the breathing tips in a previous post - should have a calming effect.

Avoid coffee and alcohol.

If you haven't eaten, please have something.

I'm so sorry you're feeling like this. But trust me - it's much much better than being numb...

Thank you.

Yes I have been doing the breathing and is does help ease it. I think I will go to bed and try write things down again as you said. I'd like to take it with me to counsellor but don't know if I should, or whether I can read things out when it comes to it.

I think I am getting past the numb stage, which I know is good, but just hate the way I am feeling right now.

Hate to feel so pathetic and keep repeating things but every time I'm having a down moment it helps just to write on here.

Thank you for the support xx

What you are going through sounds overwhelming. It's understandable that you feel worried about how you will cope and still keep a roof over your head.

It sounds as if you have found a few things which help you get through hours and the moments, both your writing and breathing exercises sound good things to do.

I second london on keeping away from alcohol and coffee. Even too much tea can put you on edge, which is not what you're after. Maybe try some calming Chamomile tea - if you like the taste! It's not for everyone.

It's good that you have time off work. Your DD will love spending time with you, and you with her. You don't need any ambitious plans, if the weather's nice then just stay in the garden.

Hope you get some good sleep tonight.