I think it is a process, you know.
Your identity has been abraded over a long period of time, a significant portion of your life.
It therefore makes sense that it will take some time to rebuild your identity and self esteem. But it will be rebuilt, and it is a long process with some difficult parts, some exhilarating parts, and some probable steps along the way (some below). So you can be watchful and think, 'ah. This bit will be hard, but it is part of the process. And the next bit will be easier'. Or, 'aha. I am ruminating on this bit, but I suspected this would happen, and I need to let it run its course, not judge myself, and trust I will move onto the next step when I am ready'.
The great thing is at the end of it, you will be even stronger than you were before you met him.
If you had a broken bone, you could not curse it for not knitting quicker than it could.
You could consider that as a result of his campaign, your identity has to an extent been fragmented, or its bearings been misaligned; your value system has been replaced by his, causing you to second-guess yourself; if the ground can have been swept from beneath your feet so swiftly, as per your first post, there seems momentarily to be no certainty; no reliable core self or framework, and the (on the surface - more of this later) evidence is that your instincts have been eroded such that you have no compass to guide you.
If we think of it as a long process.
Beginning with
(a) The worst stage of realisation, which you have been going through; of allowing yourself to see his reality from the viewpoint of your old (pre-him) reality, or your counsellor's reality, or that of the other posters here.
(b) Then switching back into the point of view of yourself and him that he has inculcated into you.
The very fact that you can flit to (b) from (a) is part of the re-expansion of your worldview and system of beliefs back to those of the real you.
It is seismic and painful and shocking to do so, but a vitally necessary part of the regulatory mechanism that is bringing you back to who you are. Your body reacted and is reacting to the shock of it, but it has to be got out of the way, as part of the process.
(c) Of course you will ruminate, and circularly dwell on unsolveable points re. your ex's behaviour. But a bit of you, an expanding bit of you, is beginning to recognise the futility of this, when viewed from afar. What used to be the only means you had for 'solving' his abuse - thinking about it, trying to come up with reasons for his behaviour and consequent ways you could 'help' him - by laying it all down to your counsellor, and here on this thread, so you can see it - you can see he is fundamentally unsolvable - and his merry dance of the sustained glimmer that 'if only you could _ he would be normal' is what he created to keep you in the relationship - and he does it now to keep you compliant and essentially under his spell.
[1.This thread could therefore be of vital use for you to put these irrational feelings (based on the thoughts he has inculcated you with) down, so other posters can come and give you another perspective. Don't let them dwell in your brain - perhaps, if you want to, write down the incident(s) here as they occur to you, or as they crop up, and people can come and give, via a consensus of opinion, a truer perspective. (Or if you didn't want to do this, you could write down these things away from the thread).
This is also what your counsellor is for. She sounds very good - not rushing you through this process.]
(d) Of course you are currently not able to be sufficiently clinical and distanced about it to resist his demands when they are made in person. He knows this, and knows to keep you on a string he needs to maintain any way he can to stay in his life. Think of it like a wound. It needs to be isolated from bacteria for long enough for the body's immune system to become strong enough to be able to overcome the insult. If it was continually reinfected it would stay open and weeping. The no contact will enable you to build up your self esteem, and crucially, perspective from the (old, pre-him)/new you, such that you will not be able to be reinfected. But first the wound really needs some space to begin to heal.
[2.You could use this thread for support when he demands contact or wheedles his way back in - you will receive a variety of strategies; or others may be able to perceive how predictable his tactics are. It may also give you some perspective to look at his behaviour written down or through others' eyes.]
You haven't messed anything up. He has.
And you have not 'let him' do this any more than you could 'let yourself' get burgled.
By the way, the deeper evidence is that you still know who you are, and what your values are: your love for and prioritising of your daughter; your worry for your ex's father; your instinct to be there for his mother despite what you are going through and what it may emotionally cost you - this is who you are - a compassionate, loving person. You are also clearly very intelligent, insightful and analytical, and already in my opinion a great role model for your daughter.
The worrying about the impression you are making, about people on here losing patience for you - think of this like an infection at the site of the broken bone:
Think of these aspects as direct sequelae of his actions (because they are). They are feelings arising from the beliefs of his that he has transplanted/eroded into you, regarding
i) your self worth relative to him
ii) relative to everyone else.
Try not to judge yourself for your progress or 'lack' thereof. Or what you should be thinking or doing, or what stage you 'should' be at. Trust this is a process, and don't judge or censor yourself - there will be ugly bits, and they are totally necessary to moving on to the next bit. How you feel right now is how you are supposed to feel, let yourself feel it.