DP cheated four years ago, just found out

[YorkshirePudPud]

Can you help me please, I feel utterly bewildered and broken. I found out last night that my DP cheated on me nearly four years ago. Apparently a drunken kiss on a lads holiday. I had suspected something at the time- he became Facebook friends with a girl after he returned from the trip. He denied it at the time, said that she was part of a group of girls that he and his friends had hung out with on the holiday, no more.

I brought it up randomly last night, I don't know why. Just an uneasiness that had crept up on me every so often that he'd not told me the truth. After being asked several times he finally admitted it, said it was a one off drunken mistake that he'd never told me about because it meant nothing to him and he didn't want to risk losing me over it.

I'm feeling...so hurt that he could cheat on me. It happened about nine months into our relationship, we'd just moved in together, extremely happy I thought. If he could cheat on me in such a lovely honeymoon phase of our relationship, what hope do I have during the really hard years of marriage when it's not all hearts and roses.

Also can't get over the fact that he kept in touch with her afterwards (via Facebook). I could almost get my head round a stupid drunken kiss that he felt hugely remorseful over afterwards and wanted to just forget about, but they were in contact afterwards by becoming Facebook friends and no doubt messaging each other. To me that shows no remorse for what he's done. I don't think anything physically happened when they got back (I remember from her Facebook profile at the time when I found out he was friends with her that she didn't live anywhere near us) but if anything that makes it more confusing that he kept in touch with her.

The lying. We are engaged, due to get married in six months (how sick it makes me feel to write that). Several times since we got engaged I've said that I want to go into married life with no secrets and that if there was anything he wanted to tell me, to tell me now. He's always looked me in the eye and sworn there was nothing to tell me. Who knows why he finally admitted it last night.

The trust. It is killing me that I have no way of knowing whether he slept with her, whether he's cheated on me other times. Is he someone that just casually cheats because he can? I don't know, of course I want to believe it was a stupid one off mistake years ago but it's tearing me up that I can't know that, and I've already naively believed for five years that he's always been faithful to me so how w

Op. I think this can be sorted out. He has made a huge error. But you have built a life together. Yes he lied, but I can understand why. He needs to appreciate what this has done to your relationship and rebuild it.
By all accounts he has acted decently since the revelation. Time is a healer.

Absolutely justified in being cross and upset about drunken kiss and Facebook contact, but to pick away for over three years, and then imperil your house and marriage.
One chilling little phrase: and he will just do what I need him to do.
Satisfied?

Fall78, if you are taking votes, I would not go ahead with that wedding. I'm not saying definitely split up as that will depend on too many factors that I don't know but I do believe you should get married if you have any doubt at all-you have plenty!

I hope you are doing ok today OP!

Goblin, what she needed him to do was when he was presented with temptation to think of his relationship and say no.

Not 4 years later, after he has been able to have his cake and eat it, to then say "oh, I'll do anything" now that I've had my own way and it's you who needs to live with the consequences of my actions

OP, I think if I was you I'd postpone the wedding, probably within 6 months to a year when the shock has passed you'll be able to work out how you feel about it and whether you can work through it.

I think it would be much easier to work through and stay together (if you want to) without having the pressure of the wedding hanging over you, and then you won't enjoy the wedding and you'll always look back on your wedding as being "tainted" because this issue was distracting you.

Give yourself time to work through it at your own pace, then you can take it from there.

[Flowers]

I strongly suspect the kiss was a drunken accident and nothing more. It is bad that they became friends on FB after the holiday and its bad he lied to you over the years. I don't blame you for feeling hurt.

I would feel the same as you. But if nothing has happened since and he is fully committed to you now, I would give him one chance. Have some space first.

I suspect he didn't tell you about the kids because he feared losing you. Buying a house and getting married are huge commitments. Is he generally a genuinely nice man in other areas of his life? What are his other relationships like? Is he usually honest and trustworthy as people go?

I think it highly unlikely that it stopped at a kiss. They're not 13. Either way he's unlikely to ever admit to more.

For what it's worth, Fall78, I went ahead with the wedding and it was a mistake. I was suppressing strong feelings that it wasn't a one-off. I felt - though told myself differently - I was marrying a pit of secrets. I felt I didn't know who he really was (or was lying to myself about it.) It turned out to be true in my case; yours may be completely different. Now I have the language to describe, I'd say I understood that he was deliberately manipulating my feelings - and controlling my information about him - because if I knew the real him, I wouldn't marry that person.

Yorkshire, I don't know what to say to you. I think I might not see this as purposefully lying for four years, because the event may have receded in his mind. He still did lie to you, of course, about something he knows is critical for you. It was at a point of change in your relationship: much has happened since then; your lives have developed as you both hoped; he would, I imagine, have felt he nearly jeopardised the whole thing and had better thank his lucky stars he could move along with you.

On the other hand ... it does mean something, because of this: "I feel like my relationship has been a lie and it's confirmed what I thought all along- that I'm not with being loved, for someone to just want me."

You've thought this all along? Poor you :( Can you elaborate, please?

I think it highly unlikely that it stopped at a kiss. They're not 13

I dunno, I've had plenty of snogs that were never intended to 'mean anything' and never did! Just brief, random connections, you know. Not every snog is borne of passion, for me or a lot of other people.

Sorry, missed other half of post. I've also engaged in long, lustful snogs and -er, foreplay - without moving on to sex. I have the right to change my mind, despite being well over 13

Thanks for giving me advice people I didn't mean to jump on this thread and take away from OP I just wanted to give you an idea on what it's like staying when u still have doubts.

I am seriously reconsidering going ahead today after reading through this thread. OP like many others you deserve honesty and trust in you marriage and he has not gave you that. If your like me it's the 'unknown' that will eat away at you.

My RL advice has been shit tbh because my h2b is a lovely quiet guy people have blamed the 'stag' excuse even my own sisters which I'm shocked at. I think if I had of had more RL support to cancel it would have been done. But I had to think about the baby and breaking up
The family because it would have been ME that made that decision not him who was the reason this all happened. You've no kids with him I presume?? The countdown is on for me to make a decision but you have plenty of time. Do you want to argue about this two three or ten years down the line? No therefore make sure you are at peace with it before going ahead with it.

(I could really slap myself after writting that because I know it's true yet it's taking me ages to decided big hugs to you x)

It's never, never, never too late to cancel a wedding, Fall. Even on the day (though obviously preferable not to). The social pressure you feel is nothing. Storm in a tea cup. Everyone waves their arms about and squeals for a day, secretly loving the drama, then it's forgotten. In my opinion, you're acting far more responsibly in terms of family stability if you prioritise commitment at the right time over having a big do because everyone's expecting it now. If your DP has broken your trust, he should be committed to you while you come to terms with it in your own time.

Your family and friends will not be there during all the days to come when you're having to make things work with a man you don't trust while pretending to be in the honeymoon phase. Marriage is bloody hard...you really don't want to make it harder by starting out with unfinished business. I can see that you're trying to think sensibly about what's best for your baby, which is admirable. But I do feel that what's best for your baby is probably you doing whatever you need to do to resolve these tensions eating away at yourself and your relationship. I have a toddler and have been flabbergasted by how much she picks up on about the state of play between me and my DH. She needs us to be close and trusting each other in order to feel secure. She deserves that.

There's nothing to stop you from having an informal, spontaneous wedding at some stage in the future when all this is behind you. It would probably be much more romantic but then I hate weddings.

Fall post away on here although I'm sorry that in you're in a situation where you're needing to.

I'm not one to give advice right now but I think areyoumymother is spot on. And don't feel like slapping yourself, you haven't done anything wrong or anything to feel critical of yourself for.

I am worrying about the potential embarrassment of cancelling/postponing my wedding so sympathise greatly. If you don't want to tell anyone and everyone what's happened but want a reason to give people when they ask, could you say something along the lines of too much going on who having the baby at the moment, or that finances are too tight right now, or even that you'd like to wait til DD is older and will be able to take part in/remember the day?

Thinking of you

On a separate note Goblin if I've understood you correctly, no of course I'm not satisfied with the situation that I'm in. I'm not exactly rubbing my hands with glee that DP is offering to do whatever it takes for me to trust him again, believe me I would much much rather not be in this situation in the first place.

inowownathreeinchferrari lovely post, thank you. Mmm without sounding like I'm trying to blow my own trumpet, I think I'm the first woman DP had been serious about. He had a couple of relationships in his twenties but I think I'm the first person he's really cared deeply about. So perhaps not always a great boyfriend in that I think he may have been less emotionally involved in the relationships than the girlfriends. But I can see that he's really matured even since I've known him.

Garlic I'm not very confident in myself so I don't always feel like I'm worth being with, that anyone would want to settle down with me. That's my problem, not his, I know.

I know I've said before but I'm posting on a phone on a dodgy 3G connection so it's difficult to skip back pages and sorry again I haven't responded to everything but I have read every single post and really appreciate them.

I can't think about the wedding properly yet (thought of people being there who know what's happened is really bothering me) but I am increasingly thinking that I can get past what happened and have a really good future with DP. I'm sure it's going to be up and down though, hence trying to park the wedding in my mind for the moment til I feel a bit more sure of my feelings.

Keep going OP you're doing brilliantly.

Sorry I didn't read the whole thread, but just wanted to say that I really understand how you feel. And in my opinion you are reacting perfectly reasonably and all your feelings are valid. Something very similar happened to me very recently. Just a bit worse in terms that it was more than a drunken kiss and I am also in worse situation having moved country to be with him and we have a young child together.
I left the next day to stay with my parents for a few weeks (outside of UK). I consider ending the relationship and moving back to my country. All I hear is that I overreact and that I have to think about the family, the future of DS. It makes me so angry that my feelings of betrayal and anger are not acknowledged.
So I just want to say that I fully understand and share everything you describe.
It is not the fact of cheating. It is lying for years. It is showing no respect to you by keeping it a secret. Finally it is cowardice, because he wouldn't admit it in the fear of losing me. And I know that I do not want to live with a coward, who didn't respect me enough to let me go through with life-changing decisions, all while hiding something that he knows I have strong principles about.

I fully support being away from him for a while. For all the reasons mentioned. You'll have a chance to come to terms with the shock, understand your own feelings and for him to realise it's serious.
It's been 2 weeks since I found out (about something that happened 3 years ago, approximately 1 year into a long-distance relationship). The initial shock and anger wore off in a few days. So you can expect a calmer more rational period. However I still haven't decided if I want to continue with this relationship. As much as he regrets and is genuinely sorry (and has seeked therapy to understand how he could behave so selfishly), he also has hard time understanding how I could "throw away" otherwise a perfectly happy relationship. How I can consider not even trying to work on it.

Sorry if it was all about me now. I just wanted to let you know that no matter what anybody tells you, your feelings are entirely valid. I strongly recommend you not to bury these feelings (I had an inkling 2 years ago, but very stupidly chose to ignore it rather than seek the truth). I also believe that it is possible to work through this situation if that is what you decide you want. He seems to be making an effort giving you access to his email and agreeing to leave when asked. All good signs.

I know that for me it will be a long journey to rebuild trust and if I will agree to try again, I will need help to learn to trust him again.

I also know that something has broken in me for good. I am much less naive now. And who knows maybe it will be a good thing. Maybe it's better to go into a relationship fully aware that the other might hurt you one day. Just to be prepared to deal with it if needed, not blindly believing that it could never happen. Sadly this knowledge has come to me at the expense of reevaluating the first 4 years of our relationship. And it does hurt.

I truly wish you all the best. You'll find the answers in yourself.

It happened in the flirty more surface and lustful whirlwind getting to know you first bit of a relationship. I expect your love and commitment for each other is much much deeper and meaningful now. It takes time to grow a relationship.

Ps I briefly broke off my young relationship with DH for a month and saw someone else. We are 20 years down the road now and we are each other rock.

I think that people commit to relationships at different speeds and at the risk of sounding sexist , woman seem to know exactly how they feel much faster than men. Couples that appear to be on the same page, may not be in fact.

When he really understood what he might lose, I can understand why he carried on lying. I think he felt safe confessing now.

OP, you are the only person who can know if he is worth the risk, and deep down you WILL know. Good luck.

Update: I married him. Most of the time we are very very happy but every so often, like today, I think about this again and I wobble and I cry and I wonder if I know the whole truth about what really happened. And I wonder if I will ever wholeheartedly trust him. And I feel cross at myself for getting married when I wasn't fully over this, that wasn't sensible or fair on either of us I guess but I figured it was an imperfection in our relationship that would just have to gradually heal. and I feel SO pathetic about crying over something that I found out about nine, ten months ago and that happened years ago. Why can't I just forget about it completely, why am I still upset after all this time. I feel utterly pathetic. Maybe it will just pop up every so often and hurt, but that will happen less and less.

I don't think about it all the time by any means, and sometimes I will and I just think of it as something that happened a long time ago that was hurtful then but is firmly in the past....but every so often like today I get really upset about it. I think perhaps he still hasn't told me the truth and never will, perhaps he did sleep with her and this is always going to niggle me.

Please don't be too harsh. I am trying very hard to move forward on this but every so often it bubbles back up again and I don't quite know how to stop that happening. Do I just need to be firmer with myself and push these feelings away and concentrate on all of the very good aspects of my relationship.