DP cheated four years ago, just found out

[YorkshirePudPud]

Can you help me please, I feel utterly bewildered and broken. I found out last night that my DP cheated on me nearly four years ago. Apparently a drunken kiss on a lads holiday. I had suspected something at the time- he became Facebook friends with a girl after he returned from the trip. He denied it at the time, said that she was part of a group of girls that he and his friends had hung out with on the holiday, no more.

I brought it up randomly last night, I don't know why. Just an uneasiness that had crept up on me every so often that he'd not told me the truth. After being asked several times he finally admitted it, said it was a one off drunken mistake that he'd never told me about because it meant nothing to him and he didn't want to risk losing me over it.

I'm feeling...so hurt that he could cheat on me. It happened about nine months into our relationship, we'd just moved in together, extremely happy I thought. If he could cheat on me in such a lovely honeymoon phase of our relationship, what hope do I have during the really hard years of marriage when it's not all hearts and roses.

Also can't get over the fact that he kept in touch with her afterwards (via Facebook). I could almost get my head round a stupid drunken kiss that he felt hugely remorseful over afterwards and wanted to just forget about, but they were in contact afterwards by becoming Facebook friends and no doubt messaging each other. To me that shows no remorse for what he's done. I don't think anything physically happened when they got back (I remember from her Facebook profile at the time when I found out he was friends with her that she didn't live anywhere near us) but if anything that makes it more confusing that he kept in touch with her.

The lying. We are engaged, due to get married in six months (how sick it makes me feel to write that). Several times since we got engaged I've said that I want to go into married life with no secrets and that if there was anything he wanted to tell me, to tell me now. He's always looked me in the eye and sworn there was nothing to tell me. Who knows why he finally admitted it last night.

The trust. It is killing me that I have no way of knowing whether he slept with her, whether he's cheated on me other times. Is he someone that just casually cheats because he can? I don't know, of course I want to believe it was a stupid one off mistake years ago but it's tearing me up that I can't know that, and I've already naively believed for five years that he's always been faithful to me so how w

It drives me MAD when, on a thread where someone is in obvious distress, so many people seem to descend into these "he said she said" type arguments quoting each other in bold and forgetting about the OP

There. I said it.

And you were right to. I shouldn't have clarified. I felt I had been called a liar, but I should have let it go.

Elation ships should just work, you shouldn't a have to fight to stay in them. Trust your gut instinct op.

The day you go snooping in emails, pockets and phones is the day your relationship is dead in the water.

Or, the day you lie to your partner about cheating on them, and continue to lie for four years, your relationship is in jeopardy.

Hi OP, you have been very honest in this thread, it's clear how hurt you are and you are right to be.

It's not a drunken snog that you are throwing an almost marriage away for, but the loss of trust. Your DP took your choice away from you about whether to remain in the relationship by lying and then concealing it from you for 4 years, which means you now feel you built your relationship on a lie.

On top of that, he has had 4 years to get over it, for you it's brand new.

Slightly different, but I'll share my experience with you anyway. I met DP at a party one night, we talked for a few hours, exchanged numbers and arranged to go on a date. He says he knew then he really, really liked me and wanted a relationship. I then went back to to my friends at the party (so I hadn't totally ditched them).

At the end of the night he snogged someone else (I don't think they slept together, but can't be sure) apparently I was actually nearby during the kiss but I didn't see. It was with a girl he'd pointed out to me earlier on as he said she had been following him about all night. Anyway, I had no idea. I few days later we were texting and I asked (fishing) if he'd managed to escape the other girl, he said "Yeah, managed to give that one a body swerve". Satisfied, we arranged a date, got on great, fell in love, perfect relationship.

Back of my mind a bitwas that girl, I asked a couple of times if anything happened, he said no. Then much later, once we had moved in together etc, he admitted he actually snogged her, but didn't want to take the risk of telling me in case I didn't want to go out with him. I was livid.

Partly, he always claimed he 'knew' I was the one from our first conversation, so why was he missing someone else? Secondly, he took the option away from me about whether I wanted to get involved with someone who would do that. I asked, he lied, I got involved with him under false pretences in a way, and he didn't tell me until I was in too deep to be able to get out of it, at least without a lot of pain, and that was not fair.

If it helps, in mind of glad now that I didn't know, as I might not have gone out with him, then we wouldn't have what we have now. And it's not worth throwing it all away for.

What your DP did was worse, no doubt, but maybe just further down the scale of the same principle. Space will help you get your head clear.

Also, I love how people are implying that you damaged your relationship by not trusting him and checking his messages.

Eh, the fact that the OP was right all along shows her instincts were spot on. I was HIS ACTIONS ALONE WHEN HE KISSED SOMEONE ELSE THAT CAUSED ALL THIS.

Sorry Baker Street, but are you for real? You genuinely are furious at your now partner because he snogged someone else the night you met? Before you were in a relationship, before you'd even had a date?

That is absolutely bonkers. Sorry. Bonkers. If I'd been your partner I would have run a mile when you came out with that. Clearly he is a kind and compassionate person.

I understand exactly why you have brought it up on and off all this time.

Not long after we started going out my dh told a lie to me. He hadn't done anything wrong (in fact I would have preferred the truthful answer ironically!) but he wanted to keep something fromme.

As soon as he said what he said it was like there was a huge klaxon in my head going off in the style of "beep beep this vehicle is reversing!" except mine was "beep beep this boyfriend is lying!"

Somehow I knew. Over the next 8 months we fell in love and got engaged. I also had the klaxon going off in my head whenever the subject came up. (Trying to be vague here.) And I would quiz him on various details hoping to be convinced and shut up the klaxon. And I never was.

Finally, about a month after we got engaged he admitted the lie. For a few days I wondered if I should still marry him. I couldn't believe he had lied so much.

And then I got over it. (As I said - he didn't lie about a bad thing - which makes it easier.)

We've been married 14 years now. The "klaxon" has never gone off since.

Oh I don't know Angel.....it's not about whether she was entitled to feel as she did - it was because he gave her one impression and then did something which goes against it. It shakes trust. How much depends on how secure you are, I guess......

I don't know why some people are getting stuck on it just being a kiss.

Doesn't matter what it was, the problem is the OP has found out that he was okay with lying about something that would hurt her (and he knew it would) because it was better for HIM that she not know. You could tell yourself that he didn't tell her because it would upset her, but adding the girl to his FB so he could chat to her belies that.

This is about her now wondering if everything he has said is a lie, or would be a lie. Whether she can trust him again. Whether she can live with learning to trust him again. If she bends on this one thing she was very sure was a "no go" zone, does it suddenly give him permission to do it again? Is she making it okay by accepting it?

OP - I dont blame you at all for feeling how you do, or reacting how you did. You were shocked and hurt.

Whether I would forgive him would depend on whether I felt like he was truly remorseful and worried that he'd hurt me so much and trying to make it up to me. Whether I felt supported by him. Whether I felt we had the same values. 

Prior to this, ignoring this (as hard as it is), do you feel like your relationship is what you want? Is it cold feet or are the red flags flying and you're starting to notice them? Do you feel like your partner has treated you well? Would you regret ending your relationship right now or are you looking for a proper out?

Would getting married in 6 months be overshadowed by how you're feeling now?

I think you need to give yourself time. He needs to understand this doesn't go away if you choose to forgive him, there is no forget, but you can try and forgive. He needs to be sorry. He needs to understand this is a HUGE deal to you.

All the best.

I understand your disappointment in him.
He has lied to you for 4 years about this, which would make me suspect he is still lying and something else actually happened. Plus he kept in contact with her.

The important thing here is that you are not getting married next week.
You can give it some time and decide in a month or more. See how this changes the way you see him and how it affects the relationship.

But, ultimately, please don't marry him if you have any doubts. It will be better to postpone it if you can't decide either way.

Lets face facts hes been caught out shagging someone else and then had the balls to keep in touch via facebook. How can you trust a liar....Very very high % chance hes done exactly the same thing on other nights out with the lads over the years.

With people like this its never a bloody one off.....they carry on until they get found out...

Or, it could be, "he had a snog, he broke contact when asked to and lied because he actually really wants to be with OP and didn't want to jeopardise his relationship any more than he already had".

I think a lot depends on how he is reacting now.

How's it going OP?

Hi everyone, sorry I disappeared off for a bit yesterday, was finding it a bit much to read, and think about, everything on here. But I've come back this morning and had another read. All very useful.

DP came to the house last night and we talked some more. I tried to call his bluff and said that I'd contacted her on Facebook and that she'd told me everything that had happened and that it was awful he'd still been lying about the extent of what had gone on. He said along the lines of "but I have told you everything. It was a kiss and if she's said there was more to it than that she is lying. I don't know why she would do that but I promise you I am telling the truth now. I have already lost you because by lying for nearly four years, but I promise I'm not lying now".

He stayed here overnight and I thought perhaps this can be a blip I can get past. I know he knows how badly he's fucked up and he said he'd do whatever it takes to make me trust him again. I said that the booked wedding has to be cancelled, as in postpone getting married at the least. He said fine I'll sort it all out. We were both really shattered so went up to bed early.

Fast forward to this morning and I woke up feeling weird. I guess there might be some eye rolling about what I say next, seeming over dramatic and an over reaction, but it's just how I feel. I woke up and felt really odd seeing him next to me, I guess because he looked exactly the same as he always looks (obviously!) but things felt different. And I keep imagining him flirting away with this beautiful girl (and I am rather pathetically stuck on the fact that she is prettier than me, I feel so ugly in comparison and a disappointing second best), pretending that I don't exist, and kissing her.All the while I am at home, excitedly waiting for him to come back to our new home. Yuck. And then feeling like a big shot when he gets home, messaging her on Facebook behind my back and no doubt continuing to enjoy the sneaky thrill even when he was home. Yuck yuck yuck.

Last night he admitted that as well as his best friend knowing what happened (which he admitted on Thursday night when this all came it), he also talked to two friends about it on the flight home. That did it for me. I told him again it shows a complete lack of guilt and respect for me that he was bragging about cheating on me to his friends on the flight home. He keeps saying that it wasn't bragging, that he can't remember exactly what was said, but you know what I really don't think it was exactly a tearful guilty confession.

The people that know are people I've chatted away to on various occasions and it makes me so cross that thy have known what he's done and I've been the bloody fool on blissful ignorance. Humiliating. I said to him this morning that I couldn't believe he was going to let me stand up and day my wedding vows in a room full of people that know what he's done whilst I would have been completely unaware. Told him to leave. That was about half an hour ago. I told him I don't want to be humiliated further by seeing any of those people again. So he's gone and now I'm sat here feeling sad and angry again. Not much progress. And perhaps stupid to just get him to leave but I felt so annoyed at him and just don't want to even feel his presence near me. Told tou I was hot headed.

On my phone but will try to post again later this morning in response to people's posts but just to say thank you for all of them

Oh, OP

Couple of things: this from your post...

"And then feeling like a big shot when he gets home, messaging her on Facebook behind my back and no doubt continuing to enjoy the sneaky thrill even when he was home. Yuck yuck yuck. "

It may not have been like this. It may have been a "sorry, I should never have snogged you, I have a girlfriend." "That's ok. Did you get home safely? Did you hear my mate Jo wants to see your mate Jack again?" "Really? No, I'll tell him." type chat.

And telling people in the plane - at this point, these people had known you nine months and him for years - they were unlikely to tell you. Again, the conversation may have gone "so, did anything happen with you and x? " "yeah, we snogged but I feel shit about it."

Oh OP.
I'd feel exactly the same, especially realising that people knew and had never said anything.

Your feelings are your feelings. Your standards are your standards. Other people might react differently in the same circumstance but other people are not you. If any aspect of a relationship makes you unhappy you're entitled to pause it or end it. You don't need the permission of anyone else

Do you know how drunk he was? I KNOW that it is no excuse about what he did but it might mean that his intentions were different.

In some ways, it would be understandable that he might feel less remorse if he has (rightly or wrongly) simply blamed it on drink. He would be able to rationalise it and be confident it would never happen again.

I have Uni age kids and it staggers me just how stupid some of their supposedly intelligent friends can be when they are drunk. One of my sons flatmates ended up in hospital with no recollection of how he got there.

At this stage your feelings will be all over the place. So, I'd say ride them. Allow yourself to feel them, but don't make a rash decision.

It sounds good to me that he's not pushing you to keep the wedding and has offered to sort it out.

We can all say what we have felt or what we think we would feel, but these are your feelings and you shouldn't try to suppress them, at the risk of being unhappy.

Personally, I don't see this man necessarily as a bad apple, but you know him best and you need to judge his character here.

Only, as you've looked at him differently this morning, you may well feel differently again tomorrow, and I'd wait a while to see how your feelings settle about this.

Fair point, Ethical, but if OP is nearly 28 now and her fiance is 5 years older, then he was late 20s at the time of this "drunken indiscretion", not a 19 year old who doesn't know his tolerance.

Alcohol doesn't make a person do things they don't want to do, it just removes their sense of restraint.

I too think you are not over reacting OP. You are planning to marry him and it's vital this is got right.
I could get over the kiss but not the FB part. The kiss is a bit 'Meh' compared to the FB part which was a deliberate, conscious and sober act on his part and this is him telling you who and what he is.

I agree with what everyone is saying re take time, your feelings are valid, don't rush the next step etc. but just one tiny piece of advice ..don't start playing games by saying you got in touch with her, or telling any other porkies.It doesn't really achieve anything and it drags you into the deceit too. I know you are angry and not thinking straight but don't let that affect your standards. Bottom line is no matter what extra info comes out over next days.weeks etc. you will never really know what happened.But you can control what happens in the future

honestly, are you looking for an excuse to break up? if you are not happy, you dont have to stay with him. you got together fairly young and got serious very quickly too. perhaps it has just run its course?

Agree Primadonnagirl I felt very cheap lying and pretending I'd spoken to her. Don't want to drag myself down to that level again.

And yes SweetErmengarde he was 29 at the time it happened so old enough to know better. Although I take your point EthicalPickle about people doing really stupid things when they've had a ridiculous amount to drink.

Spoken to him again. He said he completely understands my feelings being up and down, that that's ok and he will just do what I need him to do and will go with my feelings eg if I feel I want him out of the house for a bit then that's ok. He gets that it's way way in the past for him but very raw and recent for me. I do think he is very disappointed in himself. Last night he said he was so sorry he had let me down, that he is better than his behaviour then and had let himself down too. Good start but will need to see long term whether he proves himself to be trustworthy.

Definitely going to just see how things go I think rather than making any rash decisions. Trying not to think about the wedding at the moment because it feels too much.

Thank you all you lovely people, will check in again a bit later. Particular appreciate those of you who have said that however others may react to this that it's ok to react how I have and feel how I feel. Makes me feel less ridiculous.