DP cheated four years ago, just found out

[YorkshirePudPud]

Can you help me please, I feel utterly bewildered and broken. I found out last night that my DP cheated on me nearly four years ago. Apparently a drunken kiss on a lads holiday. I had suspected something at the time- he became Facebook friends with a girl after he returned from the trip. He denied it at the time, said that she was part of a group of girls that he and his friends had hung out with on the holiday, no more.

I brought it up randomly last night, I don't know why. Just an uneasiness that had crept up on me every so often that he'd not told me the truth. After being asked several times he finally admitted it, said it was a one off drunken mistake that he'd never told me about because it meant nothing to him and he didn't want to risk losing me over it.

I'm feeling...so hurt that he could cheat on me. It happened about nine months into our relationship, we'd just moved in together, extremely happy I thought. If he could cheat on me in such a lovely honeymoon phase of our relationship, what hope do I have during the really hard years of marriage when it's not all hearts and roses.

Also can't get over the fact that he kept in touch with her afterwards (via Facebook). I could almost get my head round a stupid drunken kiss that he felt hugely remorseful over afterwards and wanted to just forget about, but they were in contact afterwards by becoming Facebook friends and no doubt messaging each other. To me that shows no remorse for what he's done. I don't think anything physically happened when they got back (I remember from her Facebook profile at the time when I found out he was friends with her that she didn't live anywhere near us) but if anything that makes it more confusing that he kept in touch with her.

The lying. We are engaged, due to get married in six months (how sick it makes me feel to write that). Several times since we got engaged I've said that I want to go into married life with no secrets and that if there was anything he wanted to tell me, to tell me now. He's always looked me in the eye and sworn there was nothing to tell me. Who knows why he finally admitted it last night.

The trust. It is killing me that I have no way of knowing whether he slept with her, whether he's cheated on me other times. Is he someone that just casually cheats because he can? I don't know, of course I want to believe it was a stupid one off mistake years ago but it's tearing me up that I can't know that, and I've already naively believed for five years that he's always been faithful to me so how w

[BitOutOfPractice]

Has he proved himself trustworthy in the 4 years since op?

Let's hope he doesn't check with the girl on FB eh? And find out you lied. Because that kinda puts your moral high ground about lying in jeopardy!

I still say, calm down. Stop focusing on the kiss and torturing yourself with worst case scenarios about it. And think about him. And your relationship and whether you want that to continue.

[kaykayblue]

To be honest I would be just as stuck on this as you are. Even if the Facebook thing wasn't involved. Kissing is cheating in my book, and that's something both me and my partner agree on.

A decent person would have told you what happened when getting home, because otherwise they are basically just being a selfish and deceitful shit. The comment about him not wanting you to overreact made me roll my eyes. It isn't for him to decide what is an acceptable response or overreacting to this.

Do you think he would forgive you if the tables were turned and you had been keeping this from him for the last four years?

I don't know. For me trust is very black and white. Its either there and complete, or its gone and its dead.

[Vivacia]

At this stage your feelings will be all over the place. So, I'd say ride them. Allow yourself to feel them, but don't make a rash decision.

I agree with this. I think you're handling this brilliantly OP.

He sounds a good'un though.

[EveMarieSaint]

i Let's hope he doesn't check with the girl on FB eh? And find out you lied. Because that kinda puts your moral high ground about lying in jeopardy!

What? If he 'checks' with the woman in question on facebook - i.e. getting his story straight - I think it's safe to say he is not worth the OP's time and energy.

I can't believe the amount of people having a go at the OP.

OP, He messed up and it's up to him to convince you it's worth continuing. It does sound like he's trying, at least.

[BitOutOfPractice]

I am NOT having a go at the op. I have been on this thread several times being supportive and offering suggestions.

I did say that contacting the woman was a bad idea and pretending up have contacted her was an even worse one!!

But other than that I have suggested consistently that the op tries to call down a bit (she has said herself consistently that she is impetuous) and have a hard think about this whole situation. Not obsessing about the kiss. But about her fiancé and their whole relationship

[BitOutOfPractice]

Call = calm

[Hickorydickory12]

There is a whole load of emotions. You seem upset that you think she is prettier then you. Would it have made a difference if she wasn't a looker? I understand how painful it must be to think of your dh flirting away while you're at home waiting for him.
Trust can be rebuilt. If this hadn't happened? Would he be a perfect match for you? Or are there other issues and this is a catalyst?
Nobody is perfect. It is easy to feel flattered when someone makes you feel good. If someone looks at me or tries to flirt I feel flattered even though my dh is number 1. It just feels different if it's your other half flirting.

[BakerStreetSaxRift]

Sorry, Angel, just to come back on what you said earlier. I wasn't furious he kissed someone else the night we met, it was more than that:
A) he implied whilst taking to me that she was pestering him and he wasn't interested.
B) He then pulled said girl he wasn't interested in, so either a bit tacky and pointless, or he did like her, so why tell me, a stranger, he didn't?
C) He lied and said he didn't, so he must have felt it was a bit off, but decided not to give me the option of forming my own opinion it/him.

As I said, it doesn't matter now, at all.

[YorkshirePudPud]

kaykayblue would he forgive if the tables were turned? Funnily enough he's always said he'd have zero tolerance if I cheated. I did ask him that question the other night and he shrugged his shoulders. No I don't think he would forgive.

HickoryDickory I know I'm being shallow for caring what she looks like, but it's really bothering me and I think it would be slightly easier if she didn't look as she does because I just feel like the inferior of the two of us. I feel so unattractive and he keeps being extra affection but it just feels forced and I keep thinking 'well obviously you fancied her much more than you do me, why are you faking it'. Really not having a helpful attitude to any of this I know.

Is he my perfect man? Well he certainly has traits that aren't great, but that I accept but surely that's the case for any relationship. I have plenty of my own faults that he has to put up with, but it's about deciding what you can live with in return for all the wonderful things about that person. I guess before all of this I thought he was my perfect imperfect man if that makes any sense. Totally get what you mean about being flattered by attention, so true and as you say not nice to think about when it's your partner!

I don't feel cross at him anymore, just sad. I am trying to put a brave face on but I'm feeling up and down.i know he is feeling incredibly guilty and I actually don't want to hurt him.

[Finney2]

Oh YPP you sound so sad. I think I'd feel exactly the same as you. I just don't know what I'd do.

Would it be beneficial to you to have a bit of breathing space? Ask him to leave for a few days and have no contact so you can think a bit more clearly? At the moment it seems like seeing him is only making you more upset.

Good luck with whatever you decide. Don't worry too much about making the wrong decision. There is no immediate pressure to make any decision at all xx

[Fall78]

Hi OP
My heart really goes out to you as I know exactly how you are feeling. What people on her need to understand is that people have different views on what constitutes as cheating in their relationships. I view kissing as cheating too.

Will try to keep
This short my fiancé got a private dance on his stag do 4 weeks after I had our first baby by ecs. I'd asked when he came home had he been to a strip club he said no. Fast forward 4 weeks later and on MY hen night it all came out. Other girls in our friendship group knew from their OH I was mortified and as I'd always told him I viewed anything sexual inc dances as cheAting I was heartbroke. Am I over it? No not at all. Do I think more has been covered up? Yes I do. Do I feel like a fool? Yes I do. I wanted to call the wedding off but I listened to other people who are 'ok' with that type of thing and decided I LOVED HIM more than I HATED what he did. Four weeks down the line and two weeks to the wedding I wish I had of left. I am so unhappy as I feel I didn't get all the answers and he thinks all is fine because I'm putting a brave face on. The lead up to my wedding should be different I have no excitement just dread and please please don't make the mistake I did. This is eating away at me. You have six months give yourself a month to decide if you can get over it and if you can't walk
Away because you deserve better. Listen to yourself and what your inner voice tells you no one else's. A lie is a lie at the end of the day no matter what it was covering up

X

[areyoumymother]

This is a tough one, OP.

I'd feel the same way that you do. It would certainly rock me. I think you will have to postpone the wedding. If you don't, you may not feel free to make a true decision at your own pace. It would be awful to look back after marriage and feel that the timing of this revelation affected the way married life began, or that you might not have chosen to stay with your partner if the wedding mechanics had not propelled you into commitment. On the other hand, it's not uncommon for 'huge' problems to derail a relationship before or after a wedding. I think it's partly because when we get married, we're making a permanent commitment to a relationship that is really just a moment in time - a snapshot. We want our feelings at the snapshot, i.e., the moment of commitment to be perfect, even though they almost certainly won't stay that way for the duration of the marriage.

Like you, I thought my husband could/would never lie to me - and found out I was wrong. It was a huge blow and as others have said, only the person in the situation can decide how big a deal it is for them. That said, I'm not sure I would feel happy letting this relationship if it was me, largely because I'm impressed by the way in which your DP has acted since the revelation. The pertinent question is to what extent that drunken kiss + cover-up is representative of your DP's character and behaviour more generally. I feel it could well be a one-off - albeit a bloody awful mistake that is hurting you like hell - and his actions at the moment seem to further that impression.

My only other thought is the brutal reality of how differently feelings of love progress in different people. After 9 months, your DP may not have returned your feelings quite as much as you thought he did. Oh, he might have cared deeply - but perhaps not as deeply. Getting drunk, five minutes of lust, even being prepared to click 'accept' on that facebook friend request - it may have been easy for him to do because his heart wasn't on the line like yours was, despite what you thought at the time. But now, obviously, he's in this heart and soul. Would he do it today? Everything about him would seem to suggest not. I hope you are able to decide that. But if you aren't able to find peace of mind about it, call the wedding off. You don't have to do anything you don't want to.

[areyoumymother]

Fall78 My heart goes out to you. For goodness sake postpone that wedding! Don't do this to yourself. It's not too late.

[kaykayblue]

OP - he has said in the past he would have zero tolerance of you cheating, when he had already done exactly the same to you?

Hypocrite.

If you doing think that he would forgive you in your shoes...I think you have your answer?

I asked my partner about this situation last night and what would he do in this situation. He said he wouldn't finish the relationship but he would definitely going out and cheat on me as a giant fuck you. two wrongs don't make a right, but I think sometimes in situations like this its the only way people can move past the hurt and betrayal.

Boff. I don't know. how will you ever trust him on a boys holiday again? It will eat you from the inside. If it was due to panicking about moving in together, what the fuck will he do on his stag night?

[NormalBloke]

Ask if he is totally serious to pay for a lie detector test. You set the questions job sorted.

Will help you to move on either way.....otherwise you will continue to live in a world of crap wondering what if etc....

Good luck x

[rainbowsmiles]

I would feel exactly like you op. You are not over reacting. I would also just assume that they had sex. The idea that it would be just a snog would be laughable to me. The keeping in touch via Facebook is indication he did not feel shit about it. it speaks to the type of man he is. be grateful you've discovered it before children are part of the mix.

I would walk away from this now. There are no kids involved and no marriage to dissolve. life is waiting for you and you will find someone better than this who you can trust and love.

I think you sound level headed and wise. this will be hard but in the long term you will look back and be glad of your strength of character.

good luck..and sending you inner strength. ...he has told you hes a cheat and a liar, do you want to marry/share a life with a cheat and a liar?

[BitOutOfPractice]

Why is it laughable? Last year, when I was single, I snogged a bloke on holiday. Went back to hotel with my mate at the end of the evening. Thought nothing more of it, until this thread

[Hickorydickory12]

Nobody knows if he slept with her. A kiss in a club can be just that! Crikey!
Making friends with her on fb does suggest they talked properly. Who asked who to be friends. That part is quite humiliating. When did he defriend her?
Do you think he slept with her?
The issue is you think your relationship has been a lie, whereas he thinks of the kiss as a terrible mistake he wanted to forget . How he is behaving now is crucial.

[Tiredemma]

The kiss I would probably get over in time. The FB tracking down though would eat away at me like a cancer and make me a miserable bitch to live with.

[rainbowsmiles]

Why laughable? maybe it says more about me and my husband but if you are going to risk your big love relationship are you really going to stop at a kiss? nah. and he's already proven he's a liar. If he's admitting to a snog it will be something more.

plenty people forgive/move on from infidelities. .. It wouldn't be me. What is the point if no children are involved. Once the Trust is gone it is gone. why should I live a less of a life because he can't stay faithful?

there are plenty of men out there who will be faithful. plenty of men you will meet and have a lovely life with trust.

[Madamecastafiore]

Maybe he thought he should go into the marriage without any lies between you which must have taken a huge amount of courage given how you have reacted.

If I was told a wedding was off because a drunken kiss 4 years ago, 9 months into a relationship I would think that there must be other issues but then if it were me I would have nailed dh's bollocks to bed frame and have him begging for mercy so maybe you aren't overreacting?

[SanityClause]

It's all on the thread, hickory.

[Joysmum]

Funnily enough he's always said he'd have zero tolerance if I cheated. I did ask him that question the other night and he shrugged his shoulders. No I don't think he would forgive

That's speaks volumes to me. If it was just a kiss and wasn't important to him he'd be able to better appreciate that you'd do the same it'd be just as unimportant to you and wouldn't be an issue. He KNOWS how big a deal this is to the relationships.

[YorkshirePudPud]

Fall78 I'm so sorry to hear your story that sounds heartbreaking.

[Standinginline]

No advice really ,but what I will say is make sure you've actually forgiven and forgotten if you decide to because it affect your relationship for as long as you're togethers. Me and partner have been together 7 years and in the first 2 years or so he was sneaky. He never cheated ,that I believe ,but there was a lot of stuff he hid from me which I found out a good few years later. Nothing major but because he hid it so long that's the betrayal in itself iykwim. Our relationship has never been the same and I do feel that I can't trust him. It's resulted in many many arguments and frustration. I didn't forgive or forget and it's affected us bigtime.