DP cheated four years ago, just found out

[YorkshirePudPud]

Can you help me please, I feel utterly bewildered and broken. I found out last night that my DP cheated on me nearly four years ago. Apparently a drunken kiss on a lads holiday. I had suspected something at the time- he became Facebook friends with a girl after he returned from the trip. He denied it at the time, said that she was part of a group of girls that he and his friends had hung out with on the holiday, no more.

I brought it up randomly last night, I don't know why. Just an uneasiness that had crept up on me every so often that he'd not told me the truth. After being asked several times he finally admitted it, said it was a one off drunken mistake that he'd never told me about because it meant nothing to him and he didn't want to risk losing me over it.

I'm feeling...so hurt that he could cheat on me. It happened about nine months into our relationship, we'd just moved in together, extremely happy I thought. If he could cheat on me in such a lovely honeymoon phase of our relationship, what hope do I have during the really hard years of marriage when it's not all hearts and roses.

Also can't get over the fact that he kept in touch with her afterwards (via Facebook). I could almost get my head round a stupid drunken kiss that he felt hugely remorseful over afterwards and wanted to just forget about, but they were in contact afterwards by becoming Facebook friends and no doubt messaging each other. To me that shows no remorse for what he's done. I don't think anything physically happened when they got back (I remember from her Facebook profile at the time when I found out he was friends with her that she didn't live anywhere near us) but if anything that makes it more confusing that he kept in touch with her.

The lying. We are engaged, due to get married in six months (how sick it makes me feel to write that). Several times since we got engaged I've said that I want to go into married life with no secrets and that if there was anything he wanted to tell me, to tell me now. He's always looked me in the eye and sworn there was nothing to tell me. Who knows why he finally admitted it last night.

The trust. It is killing me that I have no way of knowing whether he slept with her, whether he's cheated on me other times. Is he someone that just casually cheats because he can? I don't know, of course I want to believe it was a stupid one off mistake years ago but it's tearing me up that I can't know that, and I've already naively believed for five years that he's always been faithful to me so how w

[DonkeysDontRideBicycles]

As we seem to be gathering them, old chestnut #3: he said that he didn't tell you because he knew you would react like this.

Yorkshire on top of all the recent strain and stress of buying a house - recognised as one of the top stress factors - you now have this to contend with. I think he picked this moment because whatever did happen four years' ago, he had to square things with you, between the big commitment of getting a home together and the wedding.

Slowing down or emergency stop - weighing up what you know as opposed to what you suspect is so important. Everyone you talk to will have a viewpoint, hope you can focus on what matters to you.

You had a dim view of his career and colleagues early on which is probably now dimmer still. If you stay with him you know that there'll be yet more holidays and business trips away and strategy get-togethers for years to come. Will you trust him?

Imo marrying anyone is a leap into the unknown but it's all right as long as you can look at the person beside you and feel yes, I'm going into this with my eyes wide open and he is worth the risk.

[PetulaGordino]

It wasn't a lie by omission - she asked directly at the time of anything had happened and he said no.

[SweetErmengarde]

Personally, I doubt that I would have enough information on someone I had fleetingly kissed while drunk to even FIND them on facebook. That the OP's DP and this girl were able to suggests to me that, at best, they spent an evening together while "drunkenly snogging" and at worst, they nded up in bed and the info exchange was part of morning-after chat. As a PP has already said, they may have carried his on for the whole holiday; if the two groups were all hanging out, there was probably en element of pairing off.

And as per the cheater's script,when caught, they only admit to the bare minimum.

OP, you are right to re-evaluate the relationship based on this an on the lying to your face for four years. I can see how easy it would be to brush it under the carpet and immerse yourself in the pre-wedding rush. You are being really strong, don't let anyone pressure you to make a decision before you are ready.

[YorkshirePudPud]

Sorry lots of posts that I am catching up on but I have to set things straight regarding the money. Frank I mentioned the financial situation with regards to the house only in response to another poster who asked if I thought the timing was odd in telling me ie had he told me after we'd bought the house to make it harder for me to leave. My point was that actually if I was a shitty person that would end the relationship and then go 'thanks I'm taking a fifty per cent share of the house', he would have a lot to lose financially. So if anything it was a big risk for him to tell me now, not to his benefit. I am not and have never been after his money.

[thecatfromjapan]

There are many ways to respond to a situation like this. My suspicion is the way that points to future happiness, and future success in resolving difficulties far, far larger than this one, would involve lots of talking, and trust-building exercises (sounds grim - but I'm thinking about fairly normal, low-key stuff), and then more talking.

The fact that it has gone straight from suspicion and unease to a bags-packed, out the door scenario, suggests that all is not very well. My guess is that there is more amiss than the kiss.

You are absolutely right when you think about a future with difficult bits. I'm quite old now, and me and my friends are now dealing with decisions around, and the impact of serious illnesses (cancer is common) and their attendant indignities and sharings (or not); serious illness in/death of children; various major decisions concerning parenting style; loss of physical abilities and the attendant impact on self-esteem; financial hardships; illness/death in parents.

Having good-enough strategies for dealing with stuff is more than simply avoiding situations - sometimes you can't avoid them. They come and get you.

It's not just about your partner crossing a line that is very important to you, it's also about how the two of you are dealing with this issue in the here and now.

My other suspicion is that this is perhaps a mixture of a wobble before marriage and also a way of establishing ground-rules and power-lines before marriage. I think it would be better if you actually discussed this with words.

I'm not dismissing the kiss - if it matters to you, it matters. I am also a great believer in trusting your instincts - so if it's making you feel wobbly and suspicious, listen to yourself. It's just that the timing suggests it has a lot to do with how you feel about the marriage. So you might want to sit down and give yourself time to think about that.

Take a minute to think about what you want and how best to achieve that.

[ABlandAndDeadlyCourtesy]

I think it's quite likely to have been a drunken snog and then stop. And if it was a group of girls hanging round with a group of guys on holiday - it would only take one of the girls to know a full name for one of the guys and friend request him - or vice versa - and suddenly any of the group finding each other becomes pretty easy.

But - he broke your boundaries and he lied. Give it some thought. A friend of mine postponed her wedding and then went ahead six months later - no one had any issue except concern. Good luck.

[YorkshirePudPud]

Thank you, lots of different perspectives that are giving me food for thought, including those that are making me ask tough questions of myself.

FolkGirl has summed up my feelings well: It's the four years of lying since. The four years of being oblivious to the fact he betrayed her.

BitOutOfPractice it's a good question, why did I bring it up four years later. And it's one that I'm not even sure of the answer to but I'll try. I suppose questions about what really happened on that holiday have popped up every so often, but because he had sworn to me on several occasions that nothing had happened I would try to believe that and put those niggling questions out of my mind for a while. Because I love him and truly wanted to believe him. I guess it's perhaps been a bit of a tug of war between gut feeling and trying to be rational ("this is my partner who I share my life with! He loves me! He wouldn't lie to me! When he looks me in the eye of course he's being honest! This is the man I know and love!").

wannaBe your post was hard to read and thought provoking. The only thing I can say is that yes perhaps I was wrong, made a poor choice to go ahead witht he relationship for the last several years when I had these niggling doubts every so often.

Frank not sure what sort of thread this is, honestly. I just posted my feelings up, not really knowing what I was hoping to hear, what I would hear or what I wanted to get out of it. Wanted to talk I guess.

AwesomeWellies "Unless he admits to a whole holiday sleeping with this woman, messages to her on fb afterwards, and subsequent affairs (i.e. worst possible scenario), you are always going to be wondering 'what if more happened', I suspect. For the rest of your life.

If you can live like that, marry him. If not, don't." Very true and what I'm trying to figure out

FishCalledWonder thanks for posting your experience. It's really nice to hear that people can make one off mistakes that are just a kiss and not more. Just wish I could know that that's the case in my relationship.

CarryOnDancing thank you, your post was very kind. I am finding all of those posts useful, including those that say I am overreacting, shouldn't have stayed with him years ago if I'd had trust issues etc. But I have to admit it's nice to also hear someone saying they understand my perspective.

Sorry if I've missed people. I'm on a 3G connection that drops out every so often so trying my best to read and respond to everything. Thank you all for all your helpful views.

[YorkshirePudPud]

thecatfromjapan "The fact that it has gone straight from suspicion and unease to a bags-packed, out the door scenario, suggests that all is not very well. My guess is that there is more amiss than the kiss."

Mmm, I can see that my reaction could look extreme. Despite the niggles that I'd had, weirdly enough I was still gobsmacked that he admitted he'd kissed someone else. I'm full of all the worst cliches here I know but it really didn't feel real, and I kept thinking this is a bubble and all of a sudden this will stop and everything will go back to normal.

I can be very hot headed. It's not a very nice trait but it's the truth. I was furious, humiliated and hurt. I was crying and ranting and feeling really extreme emotions. I guess I lost control and he didn't. And I was thinking 'how are you so bloody calm when my world has just caved in around me'. So perhaps me asking him to leave for the weekend was trying to shock him into a stronger reaction. I'm not saying that was right of me and I am embarrassed typing this but I'm trying to be honest.

I lost a relative to suicide eight months ago and DP was not great in supporting that (he himself suffered a traumatic bereavement about ten years ago and I don't think he was able to support me as I needed as a result). I am feeling raw from that still. Next week I am having some minor treatment done, but which may affect me being able to carry a baby to term in the future. Again, it's making me feel vulnerable. And wobbly and not at my strongest in dealing with things.

You have a lovely way with words by the way.

[YorkshirePudPud]

TheCraicDealer "You sound quite young, throwing your engagement ring at him because of a drunken snog four years ago.

It’s easy to see why he didn’t tell you initially, and why he thought that four years after the holiday your reaction may have been more reserved."

Yes, agree it was immature and hot headed. I am nearly 28, got together with DP fresh out of university. My whole adult life has been with him. I'm sure that has a bearing on my maturity in this relationship, that and my lack of experience with other relationships.

I think you're exactly right that he thought, seeing as it's four years ago, that I wouldn't so strongly. It was four years ago, but the discovery is fresh (and therefore raw) for me.

I had a shower earlier and started to feel a little better and now I just feel really shitty again.

[thecatfromjapan]

You poor thing. All of these things are very major things. (

[FolkGirl]

Pud I'm not going to tell you what to do. I can be quite hard line on somethings and I know others on here don't share my view.

I'm not one of the LTBers. I only ever tell people what I would do in a similar situation. I would end the relationship over this. It wouldn't be the snog as such after all this time, but he doubt as to whether that was all that happened; the loss of trust; the sense of disgust I would feel at myself (not suggesting you would/should feel that, but I would) and loss of respect for him. I wouldn't be able to go on with it.

And I know I would react like this because I ended my marriage over a hell of a lot less than the admission of a drunken kiss... but then after the fact, I discovered that there was also a hell of a lot more that I would never have uncovered otherwise...

Only you know how he is making you feel now. You clearly didn't trust him over this. Your gut instinct was telling you something and you ignored it for a while. What's it teling you about him now?

[sanfairyanne]

it is a shame you just bought a house together but not such a big deal to walk away if he can afford the mortgage by himself and repay you the contribution to the deposit, so i wouldnt let that stop you

before we got married, dh and i had a 'total disclosure' type convo. for me, whatever happened early on was no big deal but it was better not to leave guilty feelings to fester. clean sheet etc.

i would imagine he owned up in a similar spirit. he probably regrets telling you now but i do still wonder why you have always brought it up? i dont think many people would. what has made you? are you looking for a 'reason' to leave? you dont need one you know, if you are not happy

[firstposts]

So sorry you are going through this. You don't sound immature in any way, and I can hear your pain resonating through your posts.

Have you considered inboxing the girl involved. Perhaps pretending you know it was a one night stand? If its the not knowing that makes it impossible to move forward?

Hope you have some rl support too. It can be hard to say it out because that makes it 'real' but really a long talk with a good friend will help.

[YorkshirePudPud]

These posts are all making me cry. In a good way I think because when I felt better earlier I think I was just trying to pretend it was ok.

DP was supposed to come to the hospital with me this week and then look after me afterwards and I'm sad and scared that I will instead be on my own. I will manage but I was so happy that he was going to be there with me (I have gone by myself previously for tests).

I looked up the girl on Facebook earlier. Totally self destructive. She is very pretty, much more so than me and I thought I wonder if he got back and compared me to her (unfavourably) and was disappointed with what he came home to. From that pretty girl to the plain frumpy girlfriend, I wonder if he regretted settling with me then. All these questions in my mind that are so painful.

Would I consider messaging her to find out the truth? Consider it, yes. Actually do it, no. I already feel as though she has one over on me and the thought of her laughing over a message from me with her friends is excruciating.

I am so so sad. Too embarrassed to tell a friend but I have told my dear dear sister who has been kind and supportive but ultimately of course can't tell me what I should do. Head pounding from crying.

[YorkshirePudPud]

sanfairyanne if you don't mind me asking, did either of you have anything to fess up to when you had that conversation?

I don't really know how to explain why I brought it up. Weird weird timing, we were in the middle of a conversation about decorating our house and I just had this urge to ask. Weird timing and I can't really explain it.

[firstposts]

Oh lovely, what a lot you have on your plate :(

How is your fiancé trying to fix this? Is he in contact at the moment?

It's not the same but I discovered DH had been to a strip club in much the same way. Just a niggle, saw a thread on MN and asked him. Really I was asking for reassurance that he hadn't but I saw the truth in his eyes and it all came out. I think sometimes intuition is very powerful.

no one knows how strong they are until they are put in a position where being strong is the only option. However awful you feel right now it does get better. You have choices, it's just too early to make big decisions yet.

[Jan45]

Totally understand how you must be feeling and you must now think of yourself, I also wouldn't trust him now, how do you know it was just a snog, he will never admit to more than that, doesn't make it true, I'd imagine it went further than that.

Even if, since when is kissing someone else when you are engaged to be married not cheating, of course it is.

The trust is now damaged, it's up to him to repair it, not you. Do not get married or make any future plans with him until he can prove to you it really was a one off and yes it's worrying this happened when you were both at your happiest times. I think I would be pressing for more info, if he has slept with her, he also put you at risk of an STI.

[nauticant]

Have you considered inboxing the girl involved.

This is a truly terrible idea. And the use of inbox as a verb makes me want to weep.

[penguinplease]

I agree, don't contact the girl. She is not the one who is to blame

[angeltulips]

I am guessing he is an older guy? Confident, wealthy etc?

What the others said - you don't have to marry him. And you don't have to marry him as planned even if you do marry him eventually. Just take your time. Do you have a close friend (not family) you can talk it through with?

And what the others said about houses being a key trigger for breakups. I know so many couples for whom that was a trigger.

[BitOutOfPractice]

Hello again op and thank you for answering my question about why you bought it up. It seems to me that you are not feeling very loved and supported by your fiancé at the moment (understandably) and this confession has bought all that to a head and your anger at his lack of support has come exploding out with this issue as the trigger but not the real reason. Sorry if that sounds a lot of phsycho babble but I would say his failure to support you through a really tough time is a far far bigger issue going forward than a drunken snog early on in your relationship.

Like you, I too am a hot head. I make very strong, immediate relations to things. But I am learning that an immediate reaction made in the heat of the moment isn't always a good idea.

My advice would be to use this weekend to try and calm down and think rationally. Not about the kiss because I can tell that just upsets you too much to think straight. Instead, think about how you and your fiancé work now, and whether you believe that will work for the rest of your lives.

Final word...jave you eaten today? And drunk plenty of fluids? If not then do both - being dehydrated won't help your headache

[Jayne35]

It's not about blaming the girl, maybe she is not aware he is in a serious relationship and she might be more honest than OP's DP.

Anyway it's all irrelevant if OP doesn't trust her DP then there is no moving on and best to walk away.

[BitOutOfPractice]

I agree that no good will come of contacting the girl

[Vivacia]

Vodka said to me "Nobody is saying she should fight to save her relationship"

I was referring to this gem, "you aren't fighting for this relationship at all. You seem resigned to consigning it to the bin rather than working at it."